**Dear Abby **
I am a 15 year old boy who attends an exclusive prep school.
For years I have had a problem with hearing voices, speaking in a language few understand, giant spiders, a socio-path that has tried unsuccessfully to kill me four times, rougue bludgers, being stalked by a freaky house elf and a certain Professor here that hates my guts. I was raised by my aunt and uncle who loathe my very existence and did not let me do anything that their precious, perfect son was allowed to do. I am doing pretty well in my classes despite the fact that every year I have been here I am out late at night and spending most of my free time solving mysteries and saving the school and humankind from the destructive forces of evil. I also break the school rules every chance I can, along with my two best friends.
My problem is this, while I am the youngest player on my house team, I still cannot score with the girls. What do you suggest?
First you need to get a restraining order against the man trying to kill you and the house elf that won’t leave you alone. You are a victim once, young man, after that, you are just volunteering.
Secondly, I sense that you are breaking the rules to get back at the probably strict environment which you were raised in order to bring attention to yourself. The way to do this, Larry, is through positive behavior, which you are already doing by being the youngest person on your team and getting good grades. That is the mark of success, not by running around with hoodlums at all hours.
Thirdly, solving mysteries and saving humankind from the destructive forces of evil is a job much too big for a 15 year old boy. No boy your age should carry such burdens alone. Is there not a teacher, minister, rabbi or counselor that you can talk too and let them delegate the problems to someone older and more experienced?
Lastly, if you are speaking in tongues and hearing voices, you seriously need medical help. I strongly recommend a therapist and urge you to seek it immediately.
Knuckle down or life will end up hitting you with a wet noodle all the rest of your days.