No, but he sounds like he would make a good parent to me. One aspect of that is asking other people for advice as for how to parent your kid - asking what is right. He is doing this!
Anyway I know many single moms out there who would welcome someone like him. Why I suggested it.
In a healthy family, the children come before the parents. Period.
If you demand otherwise because you weren’t the sperm donor, you have issues with entitlement.
I wonder what percentage of people with this mindset grew up as an only child, or as the youngest child in a household with much older siblings?
I think more likely children of divorce. I don’t see it as a mindset of the “spoiled” (i.e. the stereotype of the youngest/only kids), but a different worldview. I mean no offense to anyone with that comment. But I disagree with the sentiment that in healthy families, the kids always come first full stop.
I remember my mother telling me when I was little that she and dad had to love each other the best so that they could be good parents and have a happy family. Seemed to work well. My worldview is that the family should come first. Everyone deserves respect and consideration of their needs and wants. I think that responsible parenting takes a massive investment of time and energy for the well-being and development of the children, but not at all costs.
I honestly don’t know whether this is the right attitude. It worked fine when I was a single parent, but the “correct” way for families to function is something I’m not sure I have a handle on.
Actually being “rigid” and “unbending” is NOT mentally healthy! So no the kids do not come first.
What is healthy is to have priorities. Sometimes that could be the parents, sometimes the kids, sometimes paying the rent or buying food for everyone, etc. (Be flexible.)
See, I think it has to be a two-way street - treat others as you want to be treated. I agree kids shouldn’t interrupt with others are speaking, but neither should adults. And that includes when kids are talking.
But a kid hasn’t always learned how to socialize - they may think if your sentence is done, then you are done and now it’s their turn to talk. And one kid with lots of adults around ends up not getting to talk to about what they want, ever, but instead listening to boring grown up crap that means nothing to them. They don’t always mean to be interrupting. So if it seems unintentional, direction, not punishment, is more appropriate.
“Children come first” is a very generic statement and it’s easy to misunderstand exactly what you/they mean. If it’s meant as children’s basic needs come first, then that’s usually true and not many people argue that. But if it’s meant as children’s every whim come’s first, or that every opportunity must be made for the child/children before anyone one else gets their basic needs met (if they do at all), then no that absolutely is not true and most any family structured like that will dissolve in bitterness very quickly.
Healthy families rely on team work, cooperation, and respect for each other, and it usually doesn’t work to place an individual member (or class of members) on a pedestal; be it a parent or a kid. If you have 2 parents working together, whether they were both around from the beginning or one comes into the picture later on they’d better be able to get their own needs met in the family or the partnership won’t last long. You can’t expect a person to come into a family as a parent figure and tolerate being treated like wait staff for years on end. Keep in mind that adult relationships are voluntary and if you want someone to stay you need to treat them as such.
I once saw advice (though don’t necessarily agree with it completely) saying something along the lines of “your spouse should come first, not your children. The kids will grow up and be gone in max 18 years… but you’ll be spending the rest of your life with your spouse; so who’s more important to your quality of life?”
Also I think it’s important to bring kids up in a gradual way so that they learn to become normal members of society themselves; that they understand there’s gives and takes in social circles. Raising a kid as special and always giving them priority in all things does (I think) a disservice to them in that as soon as they leave home the rest of the world isn’t going to see them as special and they’ll be in for a rude awakening.
So to the OP, painful and upsetting as the situation went I don’t think this person valued what you were or could be, and doesn’t seem to have a realistic vision of how to be an effective parent. But, that’s their right and you are free to find someone else who does see eye to eye with you.
It’s great as an ego stroke statement for yourself especially if you’re a divorced single parent. That was my perspective when I said it in the past, but as an effective way to manage a relationship it can be a counter productive attitude. It’s good to be a protective parent but too often this attitude is used to excuse or permit behavior that should not be tolerated in polite company.
You don’t have to be the sperm donor to expect decent social behavior and manners out of a partner’s kids. If kids are *consistently *objectively rude or ill mannered and you have a parents “MKCF!” attitude standing between them and the SO it’s a no win scenario.
If that is your disgusting limited view, perhaps I should enlighten you as to when a BF might come first over the child:
Mommy and BF are having a nice conversation on the couch. Daughter decides she’s bored so she starts screaming at the adults: “ME, ME, ME!!” Instead of entertaining the girl’s cries for attention, maybe the mother could use this opportunity to teach her child the world does NOT revolve around her. And maybe explain to her she can go play in her room quietly or go to bed early.
There you go White Knight. Glad I could enlighten you.
Kids come first is definitely too generic. Does “kids come first” mean the adults can’t have a single conversation without interruption. If so , that’s ridiculous, and it’s not even good for the kid.
But "kids come first" is or should be true in a particular way for a single parent - and it involves who the single parent chooses to be involved with or marries. I'm not at all saying that the kid gets veto power , but a single parent shouldn't get involved with someone who sees the kid only as a complication and who wants his or her relationship with the single parent to proceed as if there wasn't a kid. ( and I'm not at all saying this describes the OP , simply that people like this exist) I'm thinking specifically of an in-law of mine who when her daughter was still young became involved with a guy like this. He wanted to do things like go to Cancun over Christmas vacation - and leave the kid home with working grandma and disabled grandpa so that the kid spent her vacation in the house taking care of grandpa. My in-law was plenty willing to go along with this and it happened all the time. I can't really blame the guy - it wasn't his kid , he never treated her like his kid and I can understand not wanting the complications. My opinion of the in-law is another story. IMO, she never should have gotten so involved with a guy who wasn't willing to take her and her kid as a package deal.
I would take a second look at the mom , her child been allowed to get away with a lot of stuff . And also put yourself in the child place , she has to be missing her dad . Do you know why your g/f not living with her husband or b/f ? Kids aren’t born spoiled brats , their parents are more of the blame . Is your g/f feeling guilty about her child not living with her dad and been allowing her child to get away with stuff? There has to more to this than a child acting up something else has to be going on and I really wouldn’t count the child out , she may some understanding . Have you tried to spend some time with her playing or going out with her for an ice cream etc?
You need to go back and read post 24.
Thanks, all, for the well-wishes. It genuinely means a lot; I lost my best friend and I’m going to be picking up the pieces for a long time. While she and I differed on what we thought was appropriate behavior, she is the most caring mom anyone could ask for. I asked her once if, hypothetically, I married her but my presence made her kid unhappy (for whatever reason) despite my being kind and attentive and decent, would she leave me? And she said she didn’t know. That’s how much she puts her kid’s needs above her own.
Her daughter is very lucky to have her, and I hope she realizes that someday.
I understand you are sad, but I think it’s for the best in this situation. As a single mom, i understand a lot of what she is going through (but I do not agree with her parenting style at all). I think if you couldn’t accept the whole package, you didn’t belong in that relationship. Imagine if you had children - would you have been ok to have your own child act like her daughter?
As for the “my child comes first”, absolutely. I’m taken a bit aback as to how literally some are taking it. Of course interrupting has nothing to do with that! Neither do date nights. What it does mean, to me anyway, is that I won’t drop everything to go away for the weekend. If my daughter is really unhappy with him, I would end it. What exactly is my other choice? Tell her to suck it up? Tell her to go live with her dad? No. I made a commitment when I had her… She is part of the package. If I dated a guy who felt even half of what you feel about her daughter, I would instantly end it.
This works both ways. Ultimately, I have just stopped dating because it’s not fair to them. Our schedules keep me very busy. We have a great home life - finding someone that fits in would be really hard. I don’t know if there is a someone at this point that wouldn’t be made to feel like a third wheel. Or a dad with kids that fit in. I’ve worked really hard to have a happy peaceful life and I’m not too keen on bringing in other people’s problems. All of this makes me undateable and that’s ok. What i don’t do is date when I can’t fairly give a guy what he deserves. Maybe later, but now is not my time.
I’m a father of a seven-year-old and a five-year-old and a teacher of young children and you dodged a bullet.
The objective of parenting is to become obsolete and have functioning adults. Kids that don’t learn basic manners had a difficult time later in life.
I have to retrain student from homes who don’t learn manners and it takes a lot of time, patience and experience.
While you lost someone you really love, I think it’s better this way.
I didn’t read every post I only read the OP first one !
I just read , sorry to hear they broke up .
Yes? I mean, if she’s unhappy because the guy doesn’t treat her well, sure, I agree. But if the guy is making an honest effort but she’s upset because, say, she is not used to sharing your attention, isn’t that something that she needs to learn to adapt to? Shouldn’t she learn that your happiness matters too?
Disgusting and a white knight. Thanks.
Even though it’s all academic at this point, it might be enlightening to know if the OP and/or the GF grew up with siblings (and if so, where they fell in the birth order), and what’s the story on the little girl’s dad (still a part of her life, EVER a part, involved/disengaged), how long the GF has been a single mom, and how long were OP and GF seeing each other.
If it’s too painful to go into right now, don’t feel obligated to indulge my curiosity. I wish you the best.