What if your friend is a jerk?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So last year I started at a new school. (We’re talking grad school here, so we’re not teenagers - although sometimes it seems like it!) Naturally, in such a situation, friendships form quickly, groups of friends develop spontaneously.

I became good friends with many people at once, including Sidney. We had a great platonic friendship, which was surely assisted by the fact that I am a happily married woman, so our status vis-a-vis each other was never in question.

He hooked up with a woman from school that I had also become friends with. Their relationship was short-lived and stormy. I never got the full story, but I got the general idea (from her) that he behaved in a most ungentlemanly manner.

Both of them respected my friendship with the other one, and neither put me in the position of being in the middle or having to ‘choose,’ for which I am grateful to them both.

Since then, it became apparent to me that Sid has a few problems in the areas of maturity, relationships, sensitivity, how to not be a jerk, and so on. Since I am a strictly-defined platonic friend, he has always been lovely to me, but he has said some things to me (as a friend) that make me feel like he is something less than honorable.

Since then, he has expressed interest in another member of our little grad school group. He went about pursuing this in a decidedly jerky way (I won’t provide details, but he lost several friends - also my friends - in the process). Again, since I was not directly involved, I have no reason to hold it against him. And again, all parties involved have carefully respected my friendship with him and not held it against me.

So now I’m facing this conundrum: he’s a jerk, to many of my good friends, but not to me. This is not an immediate problem as no one is making me choose, but I think that speaks more about the high quality of my other friends than it does about any merits of his. I know that their relationships have nothing to do with me, which is why (up until now) I have gone about my business and remained friends with all of them. But I am uncomfortable with the seemingly undeniable fact that a good friend of mine is an arse who has hurt several of my friends with his arse-ness.

I’m under no illusions that it’s all been a big misunderstanding. I did not hear gory details, but I’m astute enough to realize that he behaved inappropriately on several occasions, without thought for the feelings of others. Also, some things he’s said to me (as a friend) have made me realize that yes, he is kind of a jerk.

The fact that we all met at the same time eliminates that kind of ‘well, she was my friend first’ loyalty. Literally, all of them (the jerk, and the six or so people to whom he directed his jerkiness) became my friend at the same time.

I’m not really asking you “should I keep him as a friend?” because I can’t imagine saying to him “You were mean to my friends so I don’t want to be friends with you any more.” I guess I’m asking for advice on how to put my mind at rest. Can you be friends with a jerk, if it’s not directed at you? Should I feel uncomfortable inviting them all out together, since I know the story but no one has told me directly “I don’t want to hang around with him”?

(It must be noted that I have taken on the unofficial role of organizer for the group. Generally, if I don’t organize an outing, an outing doesn’t happen. I always like to invite everyone, including the Jerk, because I like to see him. No one has told me not to but that’s because they don’t want to put me in that position.)

So yah, that’s my story. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

2

Yeah I have several friends who are generally asses. I make it clear that they are not allowed to be asses to me and once in a while I poke fun at them for being such tools. It seems to work out all right. I enjoy their company and I don’t like anyone else telling me “you shouldn’t hang around with him b/c he is an ass.” They’ve actually tried this. I just reply, “Why yes, I agree” and go on about my own business.

If you like to invite him, invite him. If they don’t want to go because of him then that is their choice. However if one day y ou find yourself with no one showing up other than the two of you, it may be time to come to the realization that you may have to make seperate plans.

Sounds like his jerkishness relates mostly to his dating relationships. Are you close enough to him to give him some friendly advice?

3

You know, my first thought was “Life is too short to keep a jerky friend” but then I stopped short. I have a similar situation. I am friends with a guy whom others think is a real ass. However, he is like a brother to me and has treated me a lot better than most of them have experienced. We’ve been through a lot together. We will always be friends despite the feelings of some of our common acquaintances (and his former friends).

In your shoes, I guess I’d drop the role of Cruise Director for awhile because it puts you in the position of inviting him to things and getting non-compatible people together. You are not responsible for his behavior, of course, but people can start to resent you if they feel your planning always foists him on them.

And you might also strategize how to carefully address the times when he reveals his jerkiness to you. For example, if he starts putting someone down or talking trash about an ex whom you are friends with, cut him off firmly but gently. Redirect the conversation. Make him think about what he says, but in a way that doesn’t condemn him. You might be able to bring him around a bit. No, you’re not in charge of reforming him, but sometimes a little redirection from a trusted friend can work wonders.

4

Just ask him if he enjoys being shot down. If he says yes, warn your friends that he’s going to be a jerk. If he says no, provide him with some gentle tips to avoid jerkish behavior.

And if he starts being an ass to you, kick him to the curb.

5

Perhaps I’m too cynical, but I’m suspect of him since he seems to have no problem being an ass to everyone else but controls himself around you.

6

I’d say it’s a bit of a time-bomb; most people you observe being jerks to others will someday be jerks to you. But, at least you’re forewarned.

7

I think you need to think of your professional and personal obligation. If he is part of an official group, you need to continue including him in this group. I believe it would be unprofessional to simply exclude someone (that’s official part of a group) because they are unliked.

Personally, your decision to hang out with him socially is your choice. Your decision to invite him in social situations is your choice. If you ever exclude him and he asks, I’m sure it wouldn’t be tough to say, “They don’t like you.”

It sounds like these two aspects are getting clouded together because meetings are both social and professional. It’s a judgement call…

8

Thanks for your advice, guys. I await the opportunity to discreetly give him some “how not to act like a jerk” tips.

He’s that kind of jerk that’s charming 90% of the time (pretty genuinely, I think - he’s a good guy) but is completely oblivious in the “how to take other people’s feelings into consideration when looking to get laid” department. (Which is why I’m not concerned that he will be a jerk to me: I don’t intend to be involved with his plans to get laid in any way whatever.)

This obliviousness makes it hard to call him on his jerkiness: I don’t think he has much of a clue that he’s acted inapproprately, and if I ever brought it up it would turn into something ugly.

I know that two of my very good friends have no interest in ever seeing him again (with good reason) but they put up with him for the sake of me and one other person, with whom he is also quite close.

I guess it’s not really an issue. He’s happy in his ignorance of the fact that everyone thinks he’s a jerk, and my friends are happy to ignore him so that the rest of us can remain friends, and I’m happy because no one has made an issue about it.

So why the hell am I? Maybe I just don’t have enough in my life to get all worked up about … I think that if I had a fling with someone who turned out to be an ass, and that one of my good friends remained good friends with him, I would be a bit uncomfortable with it. But since they haven’t said anything …

9

It sounds to me his problem is not his personality, it’s his social skills. You’ve been a little coy about saying precisely what he did so it’s hard to say what anyone should do. I’m going to go out on a limb though and say that if what he did to your friends makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say so to him.
This is tricky, but not impossible. Sometimes people simply aren’t aware of their own behavior, and if you can tell them about it the “right” way, they get the message. (But unfortunately, not always. There is the risk they’ll either miss the point or take it too hard and get mad at you, as you pointed out.)
He has never been a jerk to you. In my mind, that means he respects you and the friendship you have. A way to talk to him about his behavior with your friends is to be both straightforward and non-accusatory. The point here is that he may not have cared much about hurting your friends, but he does care how you feel.
Letting him know that how he acted toward your friends hurt you personally, because they are your friends as much as he is, might show him that his behavior has broader consequences without making him feel attacked. Exactly how to tell him this is something you’ll probably have to figure out yourself, since you know him best.

But if you do manage to tell him, and nothing changes, then he deserves to be discarded as a friend, IMHO.

10

What do ya do when he’s your roommate?

11

[hijack] I’m in a similar spot with a friend I have who is a consensus jerk all the time. Preachy, self-righteous and easily-offended, he has the trifecta. How do you approach this kind of thing: being blunt or being gentle? [/hijack]

12

We must all have this friend. Charming, and you like their presense, but your other friends don’t. Don’t cowtow to them. Make up your own mind (like you are). He can’t be that much more of a jerk than you or me. You could be bored without the likes of him around.

13

Why not?

Life is too short to hang out with people who are idiots, to you or to other people. I’ve never understood how people can hang out with obvious jerks and be able to tolerate them.

Maybe I’m an uncaring asshole, but if I detect someone I know being a jerk to people, I won’t hang out with them anymore. I’ve got enough friends that I don’t need any who are idiots. My really close friends aren’t jerks, and I can usually pick up on asshole behavior before someone gets into the ranks of “close friend”. If I detect jerk-like behavior during that initial stage between acquaintance and close friend, I just stop dealing with the person on a social basis.

14

But what you deem as behaving as an asshole, someone else (like the person posting) might accept as charming. If he is only a tool to girls he dates, and she is not dating him then she can still enjoy his company. i like a variety of people i don’t want to limit my circle only to people who behave as I would ahve them behave. It makes for more interesting friendships to have a wide variety. I don’t think it makes you an uncaring asshole but it might make you a little less open minded

15

Hmmm…tell me if I’m wrong, here. Stepping back and looking at the bare facts with no fluff, he is a guy who is causing problems within your social circle, your other friends feel uncomfortable, and he (apparently) doesn’t notice. Since he isn’t jerky to you, you feel your hands are tied, but it doesn’t sound like you are all that comfortable, either.

Easy. Give him your best “concerned” look and say, “I’m torn - your recent behavior has caused some discomfort with the gang. We’d all feel better about things if you would apologize and not give the gals such a rough time. Do you agree?” Then he makes the choice - it’s out of your hands. If he tries to offer more than a “yes” or “no”, cut him off and repeat the question.