What is Star Wars 1-3 had been written by (fill in the blank and give an example)

This is the same basic rules as the old What if The Lord of the Rings had been written by someone other than Tolkien thread that ended up in thread spotting and is the reason I eventually joined this party:

Pick anybody and I mean anybody:

Gillbert and Sullivan
Stephen King

Anybody and sell their version of Star Wars 1-3.

I’ll eventually get around to one, but have to get back to work now before my boss walks in and finds me doing this. . .

To arms (or at least word processors) and show the world how Star Wars 1-3 could have been written better by ANYONE.

“Monstairs out dare!
Leak’n in here, all’n sink’n, and nooooo power!
You nutsen!

No…wait…that was “as written by George Lucas” after all. Dr. Seuss’ books made more sense.

Hey Obi-Wan check out this boy
He races pods and built a droid
And he’s full of midichlorions
I think he is the chosen one!
To find him here is quite curious
But I’ll train him to be just like us!

No Qui-Gon, no no you can’t
Don’t take him back to Corusant
He is too old and a slave
He’ll whine and mope and misbehave
I know what the counsil will say
They’ll tell you and him to go away!

I will train him, yes you’ll see
On the land and on the sea
I will train him near and far
On Naboo and Mustafar!

You cannot train him in those places
Imagine the looks on their faces!
The counsil will be most upset
This whole thing, just forget.
You will not train him Qui Gon Jinn
To defy the counsil is a sin!

I will train him to flip and fly.
The greatest of all jedi!
Mind tricks and telekinesis
And to write his jedi thesis!
I’ll train him to be a warrior
On our proto star destroyer.
I’ll train him on our big star ship
and on Geonosis and Kashyyyk.
I don’t care what Yoda says
I’ll train him to be the best.

Oh! This bad movie I’ve endured
And by this sith I have been skewered
Obi-Wan please heed my last request
Train the little Tatooine pest

I guess I’ll have to train him after all
Just let me take care of that Darth Maul
I will train the boy just like you say
And maybe things will turn out okay.

By Wierd Al Yankovic, with apologies to Don McLean

My, my this here Anakin guy,
May be Vader someday later now he’s just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi, soon I’m gonna be a Jedi!”

Written by Joss Whedon:

Anakin is criticized for dabbling too much in the dark side of the force, eventually crosses over completley back to the Light Side and rebuilds his relationship with Padme. As they are having a tender moment, General Grevious opens fire on Obi-Wan outside, wounding him and killing Padme with a stray shot, causing Anakin to cross over to the dark side, tear Grevious apart in a rather graphic way, and then goes on a rampage accross the galaxy, killing all of the Seperatist leaders (and anyone along the way) he can find until Obi-Wan stops him in an epic light saber battle.

Meanwhile, Palpatine, with his new apprentice, Darth Caleb, blows up the Jedi Council and solidifies his power in the resulting confusion, and Buffy kills Darth Caleb with the Slayer Saber, with the help of her forbidden love, Darth Angelus.

Then Willow and Xander hook up and live happily ever after.


Written by Frank Miller:

HAN (voice-over narration): "Mos Eisley. It’s been called a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Maybe that’s why I fit in just fine here. Wander down the right back alleys in Mos Eisley and you can find anything. I step into the Cantina and I’m greeted by a half-naked Twi’lek girl gyrating and sweating and pulsing to the sounds of Max Rebo. She is a goddess, and these alien scum come to her temple to worship her. But nobody gets out of line, not with me here.

"Ah, here’s Greedo, right on schedule. He’s a bounty hunter, sent by Jabba because I owe some money. I lose track of how much. I’m a smuggler by trade, but I consider it an honest living. Bounty hunters aren’t so honest. But that’s why I don’t feel bad about hurting them. You can hit a bounty hunter all night and never get tired of it. But I have better things to do, so I shoot Greedo. I shoot FIRST. Good old Gladys, my blaster, never lets me down. All eyes in the joint turn to me, until they realize they’re ignoring their goddess. I belly up to the bar and have my first of many drinks that night. Little do I know, I’m going to be a fugitive before the night is over. And little do I know that I am also going to meet the woman of my dreams – and she’ll turn out to be a princess and not a whore. Or maybe she’ll be both.

“But then again, aren’t they all?”

Writtten by Mike Leigh:

{Introductory Crawl} A formerly prosperous mining colony in the north of a grim industrial planet has fallen upon hard times, as the Emperor’s free-market policies cause mass unemployment. The formerly subsidised mines have closed and the once-booming droid factories moved off-planet where labour is cheap. The once proud colonists struggle to cling to their pride as they queue for the dole, and alcoholism, drug-abuse, domestic violence and shouting at one another in impenetrable northern accents has wrought havoc…

T’Emperor? By ‘eck, don’t talk to me about t’ fookin Emperor! {swigs pint} Smug Tory bastard, sittin’ snug on fookin’ Coruscant while we fookin’ beg! {lights cigarette} Skilled craftsman, me - an’ me Dad before me, and ‘is Dad afore ‘im. Bloody pride, that’s what we ‘ad! {throws dart} And then the cunt laid us off! Three generations of bloody pride, an’ all for nowt! T’ fookin’ Emperor! I ‘ate the cunt! {beats wife} Aye, an’ them bastard Jedi are no fookin’ better! Class struggle me arse - where were them scab buggers when we were on t’picket
line, eh? ‘Idin in fookin’ swamps is where! Talk about yer solidarity with yer actual workin’ class, eh? {coughs, kicks cat and throws up} Bleedin’ “Force be with you” my bleedin’ arse! I’ll tell ye where yer fookin’ Force is - with the bloody management, where it’s allus been. An’ now ye tell me ye want to be a fookin’ Jedi? Fookin’ capitalist lackey is more bleedin’ like it! {clips aspirant son around lughole} Poncin’ about with yer bleedin’ robes and yer fookin’ lightsabre - aye, a fookin’ blue lightsabre an’ all - blue for the bleedin’ Tories, that’s what that bleedin’ represents! {eats chips, breaks plate} By ‘eck, if ye fook off to t’ that fookin’ Jedi Academy, son, ye’re not fookin’ settin’ foot in this bleedin’ 'ouse again!

And much, much more in a similar vein, punctuated only by suicides, Stormtrooper brutality, scenes of drug abuse, more drinking, doomed hacking coughs, and greyhound racing, probably followed by drunken coughing suicide and possibly a harrowing birth or two. By 'eck.

“Don’t you know who I am? I’m the goddamn Obi-Wan Kenobi!”