What is the Best Way to Handle this Sexual Assault That Happened to my Daughter?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Sorry to hear about it, Wildest Bill, but this is NOT uncommon and principals often blow this kind of thing off.

Whatever your daughter does, make sure you document everything in writing. If she chooses to contact the school authorities, make sure you document her complaints as well as everyone she/you talk to.

If these goons continue and you continue to document, you can build a case for a sexual harassment lawsuit. True, no one is talking suits right now, but preparation for such a possibility is key, and a paper trail is a must.

22

No, but hitting a guy, especially if he’s popular, is an easy way to get branded a slut or prude or lezbo or something worse. Gossip travels faster than germs in high school.

Let her try to take care of it herself, first. In the mean time, be formulating various plans of attack.

23

My advice is a little different from most of what’s in here, but I will throw it out there.

I would encourage you to not immediately criminalize this. It is possible that that these boys mean something aggressive in their behavior. But in all likelihood you have a set of boys that are stuck somewhere between child-flirting and adult-flirting.

Yes, what I just said is “boys will be boys.” Now, I am not at all saying that this is acceptable behavior. Just that it may have a be wrong behavior with an understandable cause.

There is likely an opportunity to fix this without “bringing down the authorities” on these boys. If you daughter wants to talk to them then I would encourage it, with the understanding that if that doesn’t work then things are going to escalate.

Makes sure she doesn’t just say ‘stop it, please’. Have her think out why she wants it stopped and she tell the boys. If these boys are just confused about how to behave around a girl they like phrases like being told something like this will knock them straight:

“I know you guys don’t mean anything bad when you do this, but it really scares me and I would like you to stop.”

Why do I say this? Because this is what was done with me when I was their age. There was a girl I really liked in school and while I didn’t do anything as egregious as what you describe, my uncertainty certainly made me act inappropriately around her. She wrote me a letter that she slipped into my locker telling my so. She could easily have told on me and I would have gotten in trouble (was want to be clear I was not doing anything sexually assaultive) but she chose to handle it first and the problem was fixed.

All I needed was a shove in the right direction because I hadn’t received my copy of “How to Behave Around Attractive Girls”.

As for counseling for your daughter, I wouldn’t force her into it, but watch her closely for behavioral/emotional changes. So far she sounds like she is handling it pretty well. When I was in high school I went through an experience that adults felt mandated counseling. The only problem was that I wasn’t nearly as affected as they thought I should be. I just resented them for the indignity.

Now, I should emphasize that if an initial attempt to handle it low-key doesn’t work. Then all hell’s fury (or all Father’s fury, whicheve is worse) should rain down upon these boys.

Give them one chance, and one chance only.

24

This thread, which is seeking opinions, is best served in IMHO. I’ll move it over there for you.

And for whatever it’s worth, I think obfusciatrist is spot on. Try to solve the problem (or let your daughter solve it) on a small scale first, but let everyone know that you have no fear whatsoever of escalating to the school authorities and the police if necessary.

25

Our local schools in california have a zero tolerance policy for sexual harrassment.

First, go see the principal. Don’t just call. On the phone be clear that you want to see him/her ASAP. You shouldn’t bring your daughter but you can to the meeting. Bring a list of the boys names if she knows who they are.

If you know who the boys folks are, go see them at home. Have a talk with them if you want.

The principal should take action. If he doesn’t you can write back. Youll have to go up the ladder of power.

I have a feeling the principal would do something cause guys like that usually do it to a lot of girls.

Be sure to praise your daughter for telling you. Id try to keep a lid on the anger around her if you can.

26

Christian to Christian, Bill, I think that your daughter should (in the spirit of Christian Charity) firmly apply a knee to the groin of the next boy that puts his hands on her. Jr. High-school age kids who are the type who pic on or make assaults on their peers usually are aware of the fact that they are hurting someone’s feelings- that’s why they do what they do. They enjoy hurting people they perceive as weaker, and the proverbial Can 'O Whoopass is the only thing they understand when it comes to teaching them that their behavior is unacceptable. Surely a school can’t take disciplinary action against a child who is defending herself against a sexual assault. You should definitely go to the principal on this issue. If nothing is done, go to the police (I’m assuming you have the name of at least one of the boys involved, and teenagers being what they are, he would most likely rat out his buddies.)

I also like the idea of going to the boys’ parents, although, if they think this kind of behavior is OK, they might come from families with warped value systems.

27

I’ve thought about it a little bit more (and discussed it with baglady) and would like to extend my comment a bit.

  1. I made an assumption that the boys involved are of the same age as your daughter. Obviously this is not necessarily the case. 14 is already a bit late for this kind of behavior to be even understandable. If it turns out these boys are much older than her then I would still let her talk to them once, if she feels safe doing so, but come down on them HARD after that.

  2. I didn’t really take proper notice of you saying “guys” and not “guy”. If this is more than one person, the response should be somewhat dependent on the number of guys. If it is just two or three, then it may just be a case of them giving each other courage to even approach your daughter and my original comments stand. But if it is three or more guys then it is more likely a game, a dare, or a ringleader with something against your daughter. Your daughter probably has some idea of motivation. If it is the latter case, telling them to stop is less likely to work.

  3. The fact that your daughter told you what is happening means that she wants you to do something. At this point, it may just be that she wanted to make sure you are there for her and that her discomfort is correct. But when it becomes manifestly clear that you have to do something do it. Don’t worry too much about the school gossip, once the authorities are involved the grapevine is going to spread it no matter what, so do whatever it takes to make the behavior stop.

28

Call your local prosecutor’s office. If these guys are under 17 (at least in Georgia) they could be taken to juvenile court for sexual battery, and if they are 17, they would be prosecuted as adults. Don’t let them get away with this. Your DA’s office can tell you what you need to do.

29

Ouch. She’s doing this wrong, you need to get at least the school involved and hopefully the dicks’ parents. And leave the option open if you need the authorities.

I don’t suggust breaking her trust, though. Talk all the options over with her. Let her know that you are behind her 1000% and you trust her judgement. If she wants to tell them that they need to stop or get arrested, fine. Offer her the idea of steps, warning, then meeting with principal, then authority.

Ask her to accept the idea that they are the ones doing the hateful stuff and they need to be punished. And the only way that is going to happen (if they don’t back off)is if she and/or daddy calls in some guns. (Not real guns, principal/cop guns) This is not something to ignore, but to face and handle. It might require strength, but if she is half as willful as her father she’s got enough backbone to handle this well.

30

If I might add my own opinions, based on my own experiences as a bullied 15-16 year old:

If your daughter thinks like I did, then she lives in a world in which she has no power at all, and is buffeted by the whims (often arbitrary and unjust) of the grown-ups. Remember, if she were an adult, she could carry mace, she could call the police, etc. But she’s a teenager, and she is explicitly prohibited from doing a lot of those things herself. Remember, too, that oftentimes school counselors are taught to treat bullying like cancer- as something which the student must be taught to cope with, rather than as something which has to be stopped.

When the bullies pushed me around, I never, ever went to the authorities, because the coach already knew and typically did nothing. On the few occasions that anything was done, the bullies would get a slap on the wrist that would make them go after me even more- so I avoided anything that would bring the attention of the authorities to what was going on.

If I were your daughter, I would need to know that you were going to go to bat for me 100%. I don’t mean that you would have good intentions- I mean that you were determined to do whatever it took to ensure her safety. I would also want to be assured that things would be under my control. Remember, your daughter has said that she was afraid of what you might do. She has also refused to go to the principal because she feels like people would hate her, and what that translates into is that she can’t go to the principal because she is afraid that the principal will take things out of her hands, completely disregard her input, and in the end do something which is not in her best interests.

If I were you, I’d come up with an array of options to present to your daughter, and let her choose the one that you’ll run with; people here have already told you a wide array of good ideas. Make it clear to her that if none of the options are acceptable, you’ll try to come up with new ones.

Does that help?

And one more note: Personally, I would disagree with the people who say, “If the principal doesn’t do the right thing, then do X.” Again, when I was in high school, my fear was that if I told my parents, they would tell the principal, the principal would do something stupid, and then my parents would escalate only after I got pummeled by the football players. If you talk to the principal, you need to make sure that the principal will implement whatever plan you and your daughter agree to, and that they understand what you will do to them before they have a chance to screw up. Remember, the principal has already wronged your daughter by failing to protect her.

-Ben

31

As a male high school student, I honestly think that going to the principal or police is not the best option. I’m a bit older than 14(18), but the slightest hint of school or legal intervention would have me running away as fast as I could.

I think your daughter should tell these boys straight up that she will talk to the school and/or police if they so much as look at her. This makes her seem confident and in control. I don’t know about females, but getting the school involved was always bad for everyone involved. The boys will probably hold a grudge and your daughter will have her school life seriously disrupted.
Female students touched me inappropriately when I was that age. When it wasn’t cool, I told them so. That was it. 14 year olds don’t see things quite as clearly as older folks and may not quite realize how your daughter and adults see things. By reporting this to the school, you’re seriously damaging the boys’ futures and practically ensuring that many of her classmates will hold a grudge against her. T

32

I had a similar thing happen to me in school when I was 13. There was a group of boys (about 7 or 8 of them) who were running up to girls in the hallways and touching us, slapping our butts, grabbing our chests, etc. In my case, there were several girls who were being treated this way, so luckily, I didn’t have to deal with it by myself. We went and spoke to a teacher we trusted and told her what was going on. She spoke with the principal for us and the boys were severely reprimanded. They were also pulled out of a class and had a little “meeting” with a couple local cops, who explained exactly how serious their actions were.

I never told my parents about any of this and I don’t think the school did, either.

Maybe if she’s not comfortable going to the principal, she could talk to one of her teachers that she likes and get his/her opinion or help. That way, she’s getting help from someone a little closer to the situation, but not quite pulling out the big guns. Also, she’s dealing with the situation and not running away from it.

After the boys were spoken to, we never had trouble again. In fact, they pretty much ignored us after that. They were too scared to retaliate (they knew we would tell).

33

I’m fourteen years past my senior year in high school, and I KNOW some of these ideas are completely unworkable.

Having the principal ‘watch’ for the offenders would NEVER work. Principals are never in the halls between classes, for that matter, neither are teachers, and even if they WERE standing ‘guard’ as some schools make the teachers do, there are many blind alleys and corners, and the boys well know how to make it unseen.

I was subjected to a LOT of this, as were many other girls in high school. It’s actually a lot more common than people seem to realize. I cannot disagree STRONGLY enough that THIS IS NOT FLIRTING. The teenage boy who said it was needs his head examined. None of the girls attacked in this way (what, you say it’s not an attack? Well, if someone grabbed YOU around the balls, and GRIPPED down hard enough to hurt badly, would that be an attack, ninny?) would ever consider going out on a date with these SOBs doing this. That’s why they did it; it was their way to ‘get some T&A on the hot chicks’. Literally, I overheard THEIR description of this.

The “boys” (who btw all are MUCH stronger than you, outweigh you by at least 40 pounds, and travel in groups of 3-4 to your 1) ‘hit’ your bosom hard enough to bruise, on more than one occasion. If a girl has anything upstairs, this is about 1/3 of taking a knee to the groin, fellas. NOT something the lady thinks is “FLIRTING”, for pity’s sake!

I adapted, not having a dad I could go talk to about it. I began to carry my books high, over my chest like a guard. Then I studied some roller derby moves, and I’d strike for the vulnerable neck, underarm, or other spots. I’d STRIVE to cause them as much pain as possible, trying to get a corner of the book to lead the blow, etc.

This probably would get a girl savaged, today. The boys run in packs, and are no longer so ‘macho’ as to mind beating up a girl… together. Legal methods WILL backfire to some extent, as it’s ALWAYS the woman’s fault in our sick society. (I can almost hear the boy’s now, “But she dresses THAT way.” “But she was flirting with us!” “She wanted it!” “I was just asking her something, and I didn’t even TOUCH her.” Ad nauseum.)

I’d make sure your complaint was in writing, to the principal, with copies to the 1) head of the school board for the administration, 2) local police that would deal with any problem that might come up later, and 3) a lawyer you have hired to WRITE said complaint. Shouldn’t cost too much; hire him as a “consulting” lawyer so you just pay him by the time spent, and tell him you’ll type it yourself. (to avoid paying for a legal assitant’s $75/hour fee to TYPE A LETTER!) He can just sign and seal it, and send it off.

Make sure you get a “nasty-fellow” lawyer, one of those who DOES go to court and such with enough regularity to be “known” for it. Civil is better than criminal - they can’t attack the character of your daughter ‘legally’ in most civil cases. That’ll put the wind up the school board…

Having a lawyer write your complaint letter will make them take you seriously, and probably stifle in advance ANY notion to blame your girl rather than the real problems here. Plus, it will have the added benefit of conveying just how PISSED OFF you are, which should bring definitive steps to make this stop.

Be sure to BELIEVE your daughter, and make SURE she can come talk to you about backlash, because she is sure to encounter some. Schools are like very small towns; everyone knows ALL the gossip. Just saying so because my father never believed ME… and he was a teacher at the junior high school. Go figure!

34

First let me say you must be doing a great job as a parent to have your daughter come to you with this.

I think you have to do something. I feel that you would be (indirectly) saying to her it isn’t a big deal if you don’t. She is old enough to make her own decisions, but she is still a child and looks to you to take care of her. Go to the principal, her guidance counselor, or whomever she is comfortable with, with her. The person in authority is much less likely to blow her off with you standing behind her. That way she can also save some face with the kids in school with “my parents MADE me tell” or some such.

If my son ever did something like that to a girl, I would damn well want to know about it, so I would insist the admin inform the parents of the boys.

JMHO. Good luck.

35

Hey Bill. Sorry you (and your daughter) have to deal with this shit.

My recommendations closely follow wring’s. I strongly disagree with the suggestion that your action should be dictated by the desires of the high school student community, or even your daughter. That’s why being a parent is so damn tough. Sometimes you have to figure out and do what you think is right, even if your daughter, her friends, or even sections of the community disagree.

So I say you go to the principal immediately. DO NOT take action yourself against the little assholes, or recommend that you daughter do so. Is there a lesson to be learned/taught? Is there a function of authorities? Throughout your life, do you appeal to the police, government, workplace management first about a serious problem, or do you handle it yourself? Why can’t you try to impress upon your daughter that informing the principal, and at least initially going through official channels, is the right way to handle these things in a civil society? Or do you favor and wish to teach vigilante-ism?

Moreover, approaching the principal NOW helps cover your ass later should you take further action after official efforts are ineffective.

This is a serious problem. These shits have to learn how to keep their hands to themselves. And your daughter has to KNOW that she doesn’t deserve this or any other of this type of shit. Not now and not ever.

And a big nix on the “Stop or I’ll sue” bullshit. I believe such an attitude is largely responsible for much of the deviant behavior I see in youth today. But that is another discussion.

So, you tell your daughter how much you appreciate the wonderful relationship you 2 have, and how much you value her opinion, but how in this instance you have to make the tough decision to speak with the principal.

Then you talk with the principal personally, telling him/her identities and other specifics as possible. You ask specificaly what they will do. Ascertain from him/her applicable school policy and controlling law. Indicate that you will check up afterwards, and will not tolerate anything less than complete resolution. I would send a letter documenting what was discussed following the meeting.

For the folks who say school administrators are ineffective? They are the ones with the expertise, authority, and legal responsibility. I think we owe them the opportunity to do their job first, before we assume we could handle it better than them.

If this happens one more time, my initial call would be to the boys’ parents. I would inform them that the school was previously informed, and that I would tolerate absolutely no reoccurances. I would inform the school of this development in a phone call and a letter. I would inform the school and the parents that if it reoccured, I would take whatever steps necessary. Including but not limited to appealing to the school board, initiation of civil and criminal actions as possible against the boys, their families, the school district, and any school employees, and encouraging my child to physically defend herself against any further attack. I would inform them that I did not desire to pursue any of these activities, but that I would be forced to if they did not resolve this situuation.

Your daughter should not be victimized in this manner. There is no easy, happy solution to this matter. My thoughts (but not my prayers!) are with you.

36

Just a defense of my suggestions:

  1. It was clear that there were several boys grabbing at her. That it had happened more than once - a pattern had been established.

  2. I make the assumption that the boys involved, if they aren’t currently also attacking other girls, will do so if they are not stopped.

  3. School officials are vastly outnumbered by students, it is literally impossible for them to ‘observe’ any student(s) all the time. and if sufficiently motivated the little cretins (the boys doing this) will be able to establish means and opportunity to continue, dispite being watched.

  4. I also believe that in some way, Bill’s daughter has let them know the attention is unwelcome (that’s the main reason I think her plan of ‘talking to them’ wouldn’t work, plus they’re looking for a scared reaction from her, and getting it, too)

  5. “boys will be boys” except when they’re acting in pack animal fashion. and several boys going after a lone female are exhibiting seriously anti social behavior, not likely to be curbed by less dominate means. This isn’t one boy who ‘kinda likes’ the girl. This is a series of attacks against a weaker individual.

  6. Dinsdale put it better, too, by pointing out that one of the parents jobs is to know when to act like a parent. She’s 14, and not in a position to be the best judge of what to do under these circumstances.

  7. Legally, if you don’t at least attempt to allow the school district to handle the situation, I believe that you’d be in a worse position later if things went sour. Hence my advice.

37

Bill, you’ve gotten a lot of advice from people who don’t know your daughter or your relationship with your daughter.

You have to ask yourself: Do I feel comfortable with letting my little girl handle this herself at first?

Then, consider if you can life with the ramifications.

If you go against your daughter’s wishes and talk to the principal, you risk the possibility that she won’t come to you the next time something like this happens. But, is it worth it to try to protect her NOW?

On the other hand, if you tell her why she should talk to the principal or another authority figure at school, maybe she’ll understand and relent.

38

First of all, Bill, you show admirable restraint both in considering your daughter’s perspective as a high school student and in not causing serious physical harm to the teenage scum that are doing this. To have someone you love being treated this way must be awful.

I would just reiterate much of what has already been said. Talk to your daughter and see if any other girls are being attacked. If so, it may be effective to get together with their parents. It’s easy for a principal to blow off a student, saying, “Just deal with it,” or some other ineffective measure. It’s harder, but still possible for them to blow off the parents of one student. It is much, much harder for them to disregard a group of parents who demand action.

If your daughter is unable to get the boys to stop by talking to them, then you will need to consider taking the issue to the higher-ups. If you do, make sure that you send letters of complaint to the principal, any other applicable administrators, and even the police. If you are working with the other parents, have them do the same, and make sure you all keep copies of all the letters. A lawyer may be a good idea, though I don’t think litigation will become necessary. You may also want to do some research to see if there are any legal precedents dealing with incidents similar to this one. If there are, you will want to mention them to the school administrators, either in person or in writing. If you meet with the principal or other administrators, you and the other parents, if they are involved, should all go together. It would, however, be an unpleasant experience for your daughter to attend, but it will be most effective if she does. If she doesn’t want to go, make sure you get as many of the details from her as possible, and write them down so you can bring them to the principal’s attention.

Hopefully, it won’t have to come to all this, but if it does become necessary to notify the school authority, you have to be able to do it on your own terms and make sure they deal with it effectively. In these times we live in, school administrators are going to be fearful of scandals or legal action, so you should be able to make them do the right thing.

Good luck to you. You are not in an enviable position, and your daughter even less so. I hope this issue is resolved soon.

39

Also, WHEN you speak with the principal, be prepared for the “boys will be boys” attitude, as well as a suggestion that you personally take it up with the boys’ parents. IMO this is UNACCEPTABLE. You are placing your daughter in the school’s control for a large portion of the day. THEY are responsible for what happens to her during their watch. YOU are significantly restricted, both practically and legally, in terms of how you can monitor and discipline behavior in the school. There is NO POSSIBLE DEBATE. These boys’ behavior IS stupid, inappropriate, immature, ignorant, insulting, demeaning, illegal, contrary to stated school policy, socially unacceptable, AND any number of other adjectives. In today’s climate, I would be very surprised if they school said “boys will be boys.” But this is happening on the school’s turf, during their watch. They are responsible for making at least the first efforts to deal with the boys and, if necessary, the boys’ parents.

Also don’t be surprised to hear “BWBB” from the boys’ parents. Parents (including you and me) are largely ignorant of how their kids act when not at home. And there is a strong urge to think well of your spawn. And some shitty parents out there just don’t care. But even tho you anticipate the response, you MUST NOT accept it.

(Of course you realize the need to keep copies of any letters you send. At this stage, I don’t believe certified mail is required, but I am not speaking as your lawyer.)

Final point - it is SO important that you not start off by taking things into your own hands. Consider my recent experience. I saw some kids beating up my son during a cub scout meeting at the public school. I was the only adult around. I personally went over, escorted my son away, and in the process, (ahem) exercised my vocabulary somewhat creatively. I thought I was being quite restrained in not smacking the shit out of these little bullies.

The ONLY matter subsequently dealt with was MY inappropriate language. At no point were the 3 little shits even told they had done anything wrong. Nor was anything was done in the pack as a whole to discourage such things in the future. The ONLY consequences were that I was excluded participating in scouting activities. Moreover, this decision was reached in private meetings, with no input from me, or any other adult who witnessed the scene. Instead, they “adjudged and sentenced” me based on the opinions of 3 little shits who wanted to avoid punishment for beating up my kid, their parents (who were rightfully upset about my inappropriate language, but were apparently unconcerned with the fact that their little darlings were beating up on one of their supposed scouting brethren), and (as I only recently learned) the “character witness” of my asshole neighbor who had previously threatened my wife in a manner that caused her to call the police on him. This happened nearly a year ago, and prior to this month I was never told the identity of the people who participated in this decision, and I have no idea how many folk in my neighborhood heard what about the incident.

Don’t let this happen to you. Be VERY careful. I was amazed at how incredibly pissed I was when this little kid who had been choking my boy and slammed him into a wall said, “I was only joking.” Maybe I’m a hothead asshole. But when I saw someone hurting my boy, I wanted to hurt someone back. I can only imagine what my feelings would be if some 14 year old fucked with my 13 year old princess.

40

What is wrong with self-defense?

I would have told her to hit him. It would be a valuable lesson for both of them, especially for her.

Why?

Sure, in a protected, bubble-like environment such as a school building, you can always get an authority figure involved. But what is she going to do if she’s attacked on the street while walking alone? She can’t go anyone for help, which means she has to handle it (gasp!) on her own.

Here’s what I’m getting at: I think you would be sending her the wrong message if you told her to not to physically defend herself when someone has physically violated her. I mean. if anyone touches me inappropriately, I will defend myself. And if anyone touches my daughter inappropriately, I would expect her to defend herself, also. That is what I teach my children.