Maybe not the dumbest, but geographically ignorant…I’ve come home back from Hungary and one of my friends asked “How’s Bucarest?” “Umm…I live in Budapest.” “Bucarest, Budapest, I’ve heard it pronounced both ways.” I’m just happy when people generally know which part of the world Budapest is in. Other countries Budapest has been assigned to by various friends and acquaintances: Russia, Turkey, Bulgaria, the Middle East…
However, my favorite incident occured with my first long-term girlfriend at prom. She was a very intelligent girl with some really odd wide gaps in her knowledge. After prom dinner, we all got plates of a rather common American dessert. She stared at it quizically, stabbed her fork into it and had a taste.
“What is it?”
“What’s what?”
“This dessert.”
“Um…well, dear, it’s apple pie.”
("You know, as in ‘as American as…’ ")
“Oh.”
I never could quite understand how she managed to get by 18 years in the US without ever having apple pie, unless it was presented to her as tarte aux pommes or something like that. (She grew up in a fairly well-off family. I mean, Christ, she served coq au vin at a Murder Mystery Party once, and she doesn’t know what apple pie is?)
You realize, of course, that these do exist. Although, maybe the kid in your class didn’t account for a way to store the energy, or something?
I just remembered-- my old company (composed of web geeks) used to share a space with another (composed primarily of middle-aged women). We listened in complete delight one day as the women of the other company spent more than two hours discussing what “Y2K” could possibly mean. They never got anywhere near the answer, and they were having this discussion sometime in December of 1999, when the term was all the rage.
Just today at work. One co-worker tells me that Bush had a meeting with Saudi leaders yesterday. I say to co-worker that Bush is probably begging the Saudi’s to continue to stay out of the mix in Isreal.
Another co-worker overhearing this conversation jumps up out of his seat, very excited and angry and practically yells: “Well, the next time Hussein invades Saudi Arabia, the US should just let them get their asses kicked!”
Huh? The person who started the conversation with me said, “R, I don’t think Hussein ever invaded Saudi Arabia.”
Angry, stupid co-worker replies: “Well, when the US dropped bombs on the prince’s house a few years ago, there was no talking!”
Me: “R, what are you talking about? The Saudi’s are our allies.”
R:“Oh yeah? What was the Gulf War about, huh? Why are we over there now kicking ass?!”
Apparently R the angry, stupid co-worker thinks that the Middle East consists of on big country plus Isreal.
I once went to a raging party in honor of Wales’ national rugby team, which was doing a promotional tour here in the States. When I got there, my buddy John, who has some… communication issues… introduced me to one of the team members.
“This is ___, from the Welch’s Irish rugby team.”
The all-time greatest one, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, was when my bookstore co-worker proudly announced that he had completed his I.Q. test from one of those test-yourself books. “It was really hard,” he said. “It took me hours.”
Suspiciously, I picked up the book and opened it to the instructions. Yep, it was a timed test, not to exceed thirty minutes.
The mistake was compounded by the fact that he had used a calculator, and had written the answers, in ink, in the as-yet unsold book. My comment?
I was staying at a hotel in DC for a conference one year and there happened to be a convention of high school students there for some reason (Model UN? something? don’t remember). Anyway, around 11 PM one evening there was a magnificent total lunar eclipse, and after astronomy-geek-gawking at the start of obscuration for a few minutes out on the sidewalk I went inside, and there were a bunch of the students hanging out in the lobby. Of course, these people are all complete strangers to me, but I figured they would hate to miss the chance to see something as cool as that, and anyway I’m a professional educator and expanding minds is my job, right? so I pipe up, “Hi! You know, there’s an eclipse of the moon going on right now, it’s amazing, step outside and check it out!”
Some of them looked interested, some looked startled, some just indifferent. I’ll never know if any of them actually went out to see it…
…because one kid gave me a blank stare and said, “But I thought you weren’t supposed to look directly at them!”
…and I had to rush over to the elevator so that I could laugh my head off without embarrassing him.
Oh, man. I just thought of another, unspoken, duesey that my test-taking friend pulled. He was in charge of returning slow-selling books to the publisher. Because the Haft family is a bunch of cheapskate rodent-fuckers, one had to look up the publisher’s address on the ancient computer, then write out the address by hand.
So one day this package comes back to us in the mail. The address, in my friend’s handwriting, said this:
“Typical Publisher
111 Wherever Rd.
Somewhere, PA 11111
BOOKS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS
WILL BE REFUSED”
Despite what you may think, my friend is actually a very bright guy, but, well, you know how it goes sometimes.
I’ve got a really stupid one, but I didn’t technically hear it myself. It was relayed to me by a friend who was present when the words were uttered.
OK, so this friend of mine (we were all still in college) goes on this exchange program for 6 months. She and one of her sorority sisters end up in Tessaloniki, Greece. One day, they decide to take their books to the beach to study there, because the weather is so gorgeous.
They find a nice spot and start reading. After a while, my friend’s sorority sister starts to get a little restless, and gets up.
My Friend: “What’s up? Are you OK?”
Sorority Sister: “Let’s go home. It’s going to rain in a few minutes.”
MF: “Errrr… huh? Why would you think that? There’s a clear blue sky, no wind, and not a cloud in sight!”
SS: “…”
MF: starts laughing
SS: “Huh. I never really associated clouds with rain before!”
This was a 23 year old law student, about to graduate and become a lawyer. Thank goodness she was stunningly beautiful, or she would never win a case in her life.
“Mr. Crumpton, do you think men revolve around apes?” thanks to Chris, not exactly the sharpest lure in the tackle box, for this gem he uttered in my English class!
I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. The best part was Mr. Crumpton’s response, a weary sigh and then, “No, Chris. I don’t believe men revolve around apes.”
Small nitpick: The “if it weren’t for my horse” comedian is Lewis Black, not Louis. Absolutely hilarious; my wife and I saw him at our local Giggles a few months ago.
My contribution: This goes way back to when I was in high-school, in the days before cellular phones. I’m hanging out at this guy’s house with some folks. His telephone rings. He answers. All we hear is his side of the conversation, but it’s plenty: “Hello. … Oh, hey. … What? … I’m at home, where else would I be?” We all fall over laughing. Ten minutes later, when the guy shows up, he admits that asking somebody he just called where they are is, in fact, the stupidest thing he’s ever done. We didn’t have the heart to remind him of other examples…
Okay, this is kinda long, but added up, it’s easily the dumbest thing I have heard anyone say.
My office employs a 19-year-old college student part time. We were chatting, and she mentioned to me that she wanted to go to British Columbia, because marijuana is legal there. Following conversation ensued:
Me: Y’know, I really don’t think that’s true.
Her: No, it definitely is.
Me [suddenly remembering a story told by an acquaintance]: Actually, I know it isn’t. A girl I know was arrested at the Canadian border for trying to take a teeny bit of pot across.
Her: Well, yeah, I think it is illegal in Canada.
Me: Okay then, but I thought you said it’s legal in British Columbia.
Her: Yeah, I know it is.
Me: Ummm…British Columbia is in Canada.
[She stares at me for a full five seconds, and I wait for her to say “Duh!” But instead…]
Her: So, what’s Vancouver?
Me: It’s a city. In British Columbia.
Her: So…what’s British Columbia, then?
Me: A province.
Her: What’s a province?
Me: It’s like a state…but in Canada.
Her: OH! I didn’t know they had those there.
Oy. I think she learned something new, but at the end of the conversation, she was still convinced that marijuana is legal in BC. I hope she goes there and lights up in front of a cop.
My family took a vacation at Deep Creek Lake in Western Maryland a few winters ago - too cold for swimming, but we stayed in a cool log cabin with Menonite neighbors and hiked a lot.
The first night there, we were driving to a restaurant for dinner. Along the road (which was very dark and winding), there were many deer warning signs - you know, giant angry leaping deer with antlers. My step-dad even mentioned that we had to drive slow because so many deer crossed the road we were on.
Soon enough, we spot at least ten deer crossing the road ahead of us in the headlights and stop about twenty feet before them. We are all watching in awe, city folks excited about seeing deer so up close and personal for the first time–
Except for my mom, who watched for a moment and then exclaimed, “I’ve never seen dogs that big before!”
I had two to offer, but I’ve forgotten one. Here’s the other:
My roommate Dave asked me to show him how to cook spaghetti. I tell him the basics which he listens to closely and then asks “But how do you know how much water to put in the pan?” I shrug, say you just need enough so the spaghetti can roil around. He asks “But don’t you measure it?” I say I don’t. He asks “But how do you get it so all the water boils away by the time it’s done?”
No, Dave, you DRAIN the excess water away. This guy was in the his second year of grad school.
