Yes, I know they’re called “orgasms”. I meant to say “emotionall effect”, but I’m not sure how to spell that, and besides, that would have made the title too long.
Anyway, as became apparant in the “How many sexual partners have you had”-thread (Could someone link that for me? I haven’t really figured out how this board works yet) many dopers have had a very large number of sexual partners.
This got me thinking. See, I would never let anyone I did’nt atleast care about get that close to me, let alone sleep with strangers. So the mindsett behind having hundreds of anonymous sexual encounters is completely alien to me.
Therefore, these questions, to the people on this board who have had many partners (no, I don’t know how many “many” is. you’ll have to self-define ):
State or repeat the number of people you have had sex with (or just say whether yoy answered in the other thread(s)
Is intimacy important to you? Is sex still an intimate act?
Do your feelings towards the other person, or lack of them, change things in any way?
What are/were your standards for choosing a potential partner?
Do you regret anything?
Did the way you think of other people change as your numbers rose?
Do you feel that the many partners have changed you? If so, how? And do you consider this change positive or negative?
Answer any or all of these, or make up new ones that you think apply.
P.S. If this sounds critical to people with many partners, its not meant to be, my written english is just clumsy.
P.P.S. I don’t usually sound so stuck-upp. Again, same problem.
Ok, I’ll bite – though my number is probably just in the “medium” range.
1. State or repeat the number of people you have had sex with (or just say whether yoy answered in the other thread(s)
21, and I’m a 34-year-old straight female.
2. Is intimacy important to you? Is sex still an intimate act?
Intimacy is important in a romantic relationship, but sex != intimacy. Sex certainly can be an intimate act, but it depends on the circumstances.
3. Do your feelings towards the other person, or lack of them, change things in any way?
I’m not sure what you mean by this … what things?
4. What are/were your standards for choosing a potential partner?
Mutual attraction and availability. That’s pretty much it, and they haven’t changed over the years.
5. Do you regret anything?
Nope.
6. Did the way you think of other people change as your numbers rose?
Nope.
7. Do you feel that the many partners have changed you? If so, how? And do you consider this change positive or negative?
I am much more comfortable with my sexuality than I would otherwise be. I’m also much better at giving blowjobs. I think those are positive changes.
1. State or repeat the number of people you have had sex with (or just say whether yoy answered in the other thread(s)
30, roughly (perhaps “approximately” would be a more appropriate word)
2. Is intimacy important to you? Is sex still an intimate act?
Intimacy and sex can be mutually exclusive: I can be intimate with someone witout having sex; I can have sex without being intimate.
3. Do your feelings towards the other person, or lack of them, change things in any way?
By things I assume you mean the sexual experience. If this is the case, I’d say an unconditional yes. There is definitely something “extra” to sex with someone with whom you feel an emotional connection.
4. What are/were your standards for choosing a potential partner?
Well, it depended on the circumstances. During a particularly active period of my early 20s, it pretty much depended on who was available, attractive, and willing. As I got older and more selective, the emotional connection became more important.
5. Do you regret anything?
Each experience I’ve had has made me the person I am today, so no.
**
6. Did the way you think of other people change as your numbers rose?**
Not really.
7. Do you feel that the many partners have changed you? If so, how? And do you consider this change positive or negative?
I learned about midway through the pack that if I wanted something, I had a right to ask for it. I stopped assuming that guys knew what they were doing and started asking for specifics and giving meaningful feedback. I’d say this was a positive change.
I suppose I would count in this ‘many’ catergory, for me it’s around 200.
Yes and when it’s with my SO
I’m guessing this is a followup to #2. If it’s with someone that I’m in a relationship with, then yes it changes it. I can have sex with a casual friend or a near stranger and it is a purely physical act. When it’s with someone I love it’s an expression of that love and is a completely different experience. (but still almost purely physical sometimes)
[quote[4. What are/were your standards for choosing a potential partner?[/quote]
When I was picking up lots of people for sex, my standards were…how horny am I, how cute are they and will it be fun.
There’s a few particular people I wouldn’t have been with, but overall no. My experiences are part of who I am and I like the person I am.
No
I wouldn’t say it changed me. On preview though, I like Misnomers answer. It’s made me better in bed, a total positive.
I assume you are referring to Gay guys like me who posted in the other thread with over 1000 partners…
State or repeat the number of people you have had sex with (or just say whether you answered in the other thread(s)
See above.
Is intimacy important to you? Is sex still an intimate act?
Define intimacy…sometimes you want someone to stay the night and wake up and cuddle til coffee, other times, you are on the phone two seconds after the act, calling them a taxi.
Do your feelings towards the other person, or lack of them, change things in any way?
Of course - but more often than not, I stayed friends with, or remained friendly with, that person whenever I would run into them again.
What are/were your standards for choosing a potential partner?
Depends - generally there is a “type” I go for, but there were a few nights that perhaps one beer less would have made a difference.
Do you regret anything?
None whatsoever - granted, I dodged the HIV bullet before we even knew there was one (how, I have no idea), but if anything, I regret not even having had more sex and sometimes being too picky…yes, even with that grand total, I would not just go with anyone.
Did the way you think of other people change as your numbers rose?
I realized that many people have healthy sexual appetites and are not inhibited and learned to be moreso myself. I also learned that you can have sex with someone and see them in a new light - usually for the better, but sometimes not so. I also learned to ignore preconceived notions…just cause they dress and look one way, does not mean they fit into any particular stereotype.
Do you feel that the many partners have changed you? If so, how? And do you consider this change positive or negative?
Very positive - I have no regrets at having missed anything, I gained lots of experience, had a great time, met quite a few people who have remained close friends for decades, and it was fun! I still look back on those wild youthful days and smile. My current long term SO had the same experiences in his youth, and I think we both feel it helps us not to stray as, lordknows, we’ve been there and done that!
If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please let me come back as a cute Gay boy again!!!
Yes and No. I can easily separate sex from love. That doesn’t make sex with someone I love any less intimate.
Yes. This seems rather self-explanatory. My feelings toward the other person change, and that changes my feelings about our relationship.
My standards evolved. First it was anyone I felt like and some I wasn’t really sure I wanted. Over time, I got more and more discriminating.
I regret having sex with the married guy who gave me herpes. I don’t really regret anything so much as I just see many of them now as a waste of time.
No.
Well, I feel that I know more about myself. I’ve always had to learn things by jumping in. I have learned what good sex vs. bad sex is - I did not know the difference for a long time. I’ve learned not to mold my “self” to fit someone else’s requirements - except when fulfilling someone’s fantasy. I’ve learned how to walk away from things. I’ve learned more about what I want. I’ve also gone from being a “bottom” to a “top” which really surprises me, I didn’t know I had it in me. I see all of this as positive.
32 year old bisexual female, now monogamous with my fiance (male).
1. State or repeat the number of people you have had sex with (or just say whether yoy answered in the other thread(s).
My answer in the other thread was “Hundreds; stopped counting long ago.” When I first started, I kept sort of a sex diary, including names (when I knew them) and memorable details about the guys, the circumstances, the activities, and whatnot. When it got to be over a hundred I quit keeping score. Most of these were within a two or three year period before I met my now-partner, at which point I slowed down (but didn’t stop )
2. Is intimacy important to you? Is sex still an intimate act?
Sex can be a purely physical indulgence completely divorced from emotional intimacy. Fortunately, my partner holds the same philosophy, and we allow each other to get our rocks off with others when the mood and opportunity strike. Sometimes we even go “hunting” together.
3. Do your feelings towards the other person, or lack of them, change things in any way?
Though I still do the occasional random hook-up, I do perfer to at least like the person. I have fuck buddies who are truly dear friends, and I must admit the sex is far better with them than with one-night stands.
4. What are/were your standards for choosing a potential partner?
Attraction, plain and simple.
5. Do you regret anything?
There were a few mornings I woke up with someone I might not have gone to bed with sober, but overall, no, I don’t regret that phase. Besides, if I hadn’t been such a himbo, I wouldn’t have hooked up with my SO.
6. Did the way you think of other people change as your numbers rose?
Did I start to evaluate everyone as a potential sex partner? You bet. Still do.
7. Do you feel that the many partners have changed you? If so, how? And do you consider this change positive or negative?
They changed me big time, and definitely for the better. Until the age of 24, I was deep in the closet, filled with self-loathing for being gay, terrified of being found out, and crippled with low self-esteem. Coming out was like seeing after a lifetime of being blind. Not only did I find acceptance with people like me, I made the astonishing realization that people found me attractive. Needless to say, I quickly learned to use that to my advantage. Gradually, I became able to apply the idea that I’m a worthy person to life in general and my dealings with all other people.
So we don’t start another thread on this subject by changing one word in the title…
Male, Straight, 39 years, 1 partner
Actually, it’s been great. I’ve been with my wife for almost 20 years now (met her when I was 20, she 18) and we were both virgins, and we’ve been together since. There have been no worries about STDs, ever, there have been no worries about past histories, ever, there have been no worries about guilt or suspicion or whatever. The sexual problems we’ve had (and in 20 years there have been some, of course), we’ve had and went through them together.
With our lack of “exposure” I doubt that either of us are great lovers: we have our fave 5-8 positions and we pretty much stick with them except for those rare nights we can get the kid* to spend the night at her cousins… We’re locking the dog in the garage and watch out, sofa! :eek:
There’s been some “regret”, some wondering… but nothing more than that, and not all that much. I can’t say I’ve ever been hit on: one co-worker told me that I looked more solidly married than anybody she’s known in her life - and I think I do. The benefit my wife brings to my life is incalculable, far far beyond whatever sexual “costs” I’ve possibly accrued due to a lack of “experience”**.
However, there is a benefit: when we look in our eyes it’s the totality of our sexual existence’s that we’re looking at… and that means something. We have given to the other something that nobody else can have and nobody has had… and yes, at times, it makes a difference. It makes all the difference in the world.
*Another thing: We make great children together. Sophia is just a wonderful child, everything we wanted without knowing we wanted it. I have no idea if our monogamy is directed by the fact that we are genetically very compatible ([proud father] I mean, just look at our beautiful little girl whom, at four, can already write the alphabet and sign her name! [/proud father]), but it offers a hypothesis for later bullshit sessions.
**If you define being continuously active for 20 years, but with the same woman, “inexperienced.” Some do, some don’t, c’est la vie.
Thanks for all the answers, very informative. I appreciate being taken seriously, even with my bare handfull of posts.
And JohnT, thanks for answering as well. Contrast always ads to a discussion, in my experience. Anybody else with one/a few/no partnerts, feel free to post if you like.
My best guess is that the emotional effect of having many partners isn’t that easy to measure, because the reason for having had them is different for everybody. As far as I can tell, having had many partners has the effect of making me into a respectable matron, which bemuses me from time to time.
There are outliers of course but one of the things I would like to note is that I am a member of the (by my rough estimate) about one and a half generations in all of human history who came to maturity in a time when sex was not especially dangerous. And even at that this was limited to people in a particular time and place.
The old familiar STD’s had been beaten back and were, if not cured, at least pretty easily curable. Herpes became The Great Spectre at some point in there but almost as quickly there were drugs to control it. For most people anyway. Unwanted pregnancy was bidding fair to become a thing of the past. We were going to have the number of kids we wanted, when we wanted them and not before.
Most of the reasons, in short, not to have sex or to limit the number of partners you had, simply did not appear to apply any more.
There were of course things we did not know. A whole generation also got to discover the downside of waiting to get older until you had kids – to wit, you might find out at the end of the road that it was not possible. Either because you waited too long or because some of those curable STD’s made you infertile before they were cured.
I was born in the wake of the baby boom, and as they have moved through life, they have changed everything. [/personal bias] Contrary to their own opinion [/personal bias] this is not because of their own virtue as a generation but simply due to the sheer number of them. It is nevertheless true. When they came to sexual maturity, the boomers also along the way remade some of the notions we had about love and sex and so on. On the whole, this was probably a good thing. It has led to a certain amount of chaos in terms of social norms, but every soup benefits from a good stirring now and again.
We were all self-actualizing, man. No hang ups here, no dee do dee do. On to the questions. 1. State or repeat the number of people you have had sex with (or just say whether yoy answered in the other thread(s)
I said I did not know, I have never counted. Deciding to measure something implies that it is in itself important and that was not the name of the game. Anybody for whom numbers were important (whether the aim was to keep them high or low) was clearly missing the point.
At a guess, somewhere between 20 and 50.
2. Is intimacy important to you? Is sex still an intimate act?
Sure, but intimacy is subjective, it is projected from you to something or someone else. A kiss can be far more intimate than intercourse – heck, a look across a room can be far more intimate than sex.
There are friends of the heart and friends of the road, and both are valuable but it is not good to mix them up.
3. Do your feelings towards the other person, or lack of them, change things in any way?
I don’t know what you mean by “things” either. Does it change the experience of having sex with somebody? Sure.
4. What are/were your standards for choosing a potential partner?
Gosh, that’s hard to say. I am not attracted to men who lack respect for themselves or for me. They haven’t got to be cute but they do have to be clean. When I was single I was always looking for that elusive x factor, a man with a twinkle of humor and a willingness to accept things for what they were and celebrate them for what they were.
5. Do you regret anything?
No
6. Did the way you think of other people change as your numbers rose?
No. I still think we are most of us doing the best we can where we are with what we have.
7. Do you feel that the many partners have changed you? If so, how? And do you consider this change positive or negative?
Well, sure, but not because there were many. I can’t think of any negative fallout though.
Not necessarily: the only reason I know how many partners I’ve had is because when the movie Reality Bites came out, Janeane Garofalo’s character kept a notebook where she listed the name of every guy she slept with. For some reason I found the idea amusing, and I decided to keep a similar list (I think she might have also rated her conquests, but I don’t do anything like that). When that movie came out I’d only been sexually active for 5 years, and I could remember all of the names to date. I kept adding to the list, and it’s just a habit now. Sometimes, reviewing the list can make for some nice trips down memory lane.
The total number itself doesn’t matter to me at all, and I only count the names in response to things like polls on the SDMB.
):
:eek:
The benefit my wife brings to my life is incalculable, far far beyond whatever sexual “costs” I’ve possibly accrued due to a lack of “experience”**.