As kid I was whacking a paper stapler against my heel as a nervous activity while watching television. I finally hit too hard and a staple went part way into my heel. The staple came away with the stapler, but my heel was tender a couple days.
Oh my lord. What a thread.
I have one to horrify, and a follow-up to regain the mood of jocular stupidity.
Let’s do horrid first:
This isn’t mine, and it didn’t start with being stupid, but it might make you think twice about dangerous activities like walking on a boat dock. Hold onto your culos.
This happened to a former roommate when she was a young teen:
J and her friends/family were at a lake on a boat dock, preparing to go boating or waterskiing or something. The surface of the water was about 6-10 feet below the dock, and the water was another 6-10 feet deep or so - not deep enough to drown in, not shallow enough to cause harm if one were to fall in from the dock.
Somehow, J slipped off the boat dock and would have plummeted into the water.
However -
There was a big huge rusty metal railroad spike that held the dock pilings together, sticking out horizontally from the dock.
SOMEHOW -
After 15 years I still have trouble recounting this so take a breath.
SOMEHOW -
that huge dirty, rusty, metal spike found its way into J’s mouth as she fell.
This adolescent girl was suspended above the water by a huge metal spike in her mouth that went partway through her throat and almost severed her jugular vein.
I don’t recall how they managed to extricate her from this without losing her, but I’m sure it was harrowing. Amazingly, although it tore her face & broke her nose, she turned out to be perfectly beautiful with no trace of scarring.
WHEW
OK, now to lighten the mood - back to stupid, here’s me!!
“Tra la la, aren’t I cool with my new pointy black little shorty boots! They are so very hip, in the modern pointy style, about 6” longer in the toe than my normal boots… and I got a killer deal on them. Ha ha! I am so cool. Let’s go out tonight and show everyone how hot I am.
I will just breeze through this door, watch me walk, world!
Oh yeah! WORK IT!! Uh huh!!"
Hidden camera: With my dramatic opening swing of the door & first step, door catches on first 2 inches of extended boot toe, rebounds and bounces off my temple, knocking my vain, ignorant head right against the adjacent cupboards & back again like a pinball.
A nice black & blue egg on one temple, an excellent headache and a fucking huge gouge on my new boots.
“Honey, I don’t really feel like going out after all. Can you bring me an icepack?”
I used to work for a private tutoring company where the students worked with their tutors in cubicles. One day I was sharpening all the pencils and replacing other cubicle materials and, like an idiot, I was dropping the pencils in their little plastic cups pointy end up. While reaching down to get something, I managed to impale the fleshy part of my palm on one of these pencils. The lead part was completely embedded in my hand and I had to pull it out. I still have a black dot in this spot, many years later.
My husband once hurt his foot by stepping on the head of a molded plastic Maggie Simpson toy.
Hey that just reminded me, I also recieved my first involuntary tattoo as a young boy of about 10 or 11, when I dropped a freshly sharpened pencil on my sockless foot and it somehow went in solidly enough to stand on end. Just checked, and yup, still have a mark.
My ridiculous injury happened when I was very young, and I have no memory of it. What I gather from my dad though, is that the family was out somewhere and he had taken me to the bathroom. Now for some reason I decided I was now a grown boy and went into a stall to pee all by myself. I was just tall enough to gingerly rest my important bits on the edge of the bowl, but not tall enough to open the lid all the way from the front. So while I was relieving myself, totally oblivious, the lid and the halflid were hanging precariously in the balance for a few seconds, and then came crashing down onto my poor unsuspecting little willy.
I stepped on a christmas light when I was young. Since the light was red, I couldn’t tell where the glass was amidst the blood. You can still see the shard in the bottom of my foot today.
Couple years ago, I wound up in the emergency room for a splinter in my finger. Sounds really stupid, but the size and shape of it prevented me from digging it out with my mini Swiss Army knife and tweezers. After 3 days it swelled up enough that I couldn’t ignore it anymore, and, being unable to remove it myself, went to the hospital. It took 6 hours (waiting room time) and 5 minutes (actual time spent with doctor) to remove.
There. My first response to a thread, I think. I’ve lurked for at least 5 years but never posted. I guess I was waiting for the right thread to pop up. I have 3 stories.
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I had a Weeble Wobble playset when I was around 4 years old. It was a little schoolhouse with a playground attached. I don’t remember how, but I fell backwards on it and slashed my butt cheek open. I don’t remember the pain, but I remember the ride to the hospital and my mom holding me across her lap with towels full of blood. There was a flap torn open that required many stitches to close. I don’t remember the doctor stitching, but I do remember the ice cream cone I was eating while he did it. I have a scar on my butt that looks like an M, which works out well, since my name begins with an M. Remember the commercials for Weeble Wobbles? Weebles Wobble but they don’t fall down. (but they can cut your ass!
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I once threw a Nerf airplane at a neighbor and cut her head open with the tiny cockpit peice of wood in it.
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On my 16th birthday I had chickenpox. My brother and I were both home sick from school. He was chasing me around the house and I ran into the bathroom to get away from him, slamming my foot into the toilet. I broke 3 toes. The hospital made me wait outside in the car until they could see me because they didn’t want me infecting other patients. What a crappy birthday that was. I turn 38 next week, I’m hoping this one goes better.
So there it is, my first post.
As someone else who recently de-lurked after years, welcome! 
Ooh, I just thought of one. When my husband and I were first dating, he was coming to visit me from several states away. I was (always the procrastinator) trying to get ready while cleaning up the bathroom. I went to wipe down the bathroom sink, and set my hot curling iron on the toilet to get it out of the way. No, I didn’t sit on it. I tripped over the cord, knocking it to the ground, then stepped on it, barefoot.
Showed up at the bus station in one cute, strappy sandal, and one roll of gauze.