I haven’t seen many new posts, so hopefully someone will see this. I just started searching for help.
I have a widowed mom who is in fairly good health and can care for herself still. She was an alcoholic for many years when I was growing up. She lied about my real father so I never knew him. She is manipulative and never approves of me or my family. She makes condeceding remarks about us to us. She has never thought much of my great husband. She hates men in general. She burdened me with all her health fears throughout my life. I became a very nervous and fearful child. She hated my step dad and wished he was dead. She e-mails me cruel things.
Yet, she can do nice things. But I am so stressed being around her I cannot wait to leave. I dread answering the phone or reading the e-mails. I try to hide all this from my family.
She has never been happy and never will be.
What I am wondering is, what is my responsibility to her? I am an only child. Do I need to care for her as she ages or is it okay for her to go to a nursing home? I would feel so guilty leaving her in a home. But she cannot live with us. She would like nothing better than to break up my family.
If I heard this from someone else, I would say it is not their responsibility. But what does God expect from us?
Welcome to the SDMB, Weather Watcher. Rather than reviving an old thread, I’ve split off your post and moved it to our advice-giving forum, IMHO. I’m sure folks will be along soon to respond.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
God – assuming there is one – would expect you to do your best, but not be a martyr to the woman.
If you feel you can handle taking care of her, then try to do so. But it sounds like you already know this is a recipe for disaster. It’s perfectly OK for her to be in a nursing home. There is nothing to be guilty about – she was the one who was miserable toward you.
If she’s in a home, try to visit, but don’t take her abuse; if she says anything nasty or abusive, tell her it was uncalled for and say goodbye. She probably won’t change, but you don’t have an obligation to put up with an abusive relationship (which this is).
I think your responsibility is to find her a decent, safe nursing home where her needs will be met by people she holds no emotional sway over when the time comes. No need to feel guilty about it. Taking care of someone doesn’t mean that you allow them to destroy the life you have built for yourself.
You know all that stuff in the Bible about cleaving to your mate? God pretty clearly expects us to prioritize the well being of our spouses and kids over our parents. You already know what you need to do.
This would be a good question to ask a trusted pastor or senior member of your church about. A Christian psychologist might have useful input for you too. I’m afraid strangers on the internet might not be the best source of advice for you, but here’s my $.02 anyway.
I’ve always been taught that our first duty is to our own family, not to our parents. If having her in your house would be not just inconvenient but harmful to your spouse and kids, don’t do it. Honoring and respecting parents is also not the same thing as allowing abusive behavior to continue. From your description your mother is abusing your goodwill at the very least.
Let her go to a nursing home, or an assisted living facility. If I were in your shoes I’d make sure that she’s living somewhere safe where she’s receiving good care, and then leave it at that. Loving your parents doesn’t mean allowing them to treat you poorly.
Since you asked for a Christian perspective…
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. (Ephesians 5:31). (Replace “man” and “wife” with “woman” and “husband” as appropriate.)
That is to say, your primary responsibility is to your primary family (husband and especially kids if you have any). Not saying you shouldn’t help her in the ways RealityChuck and LurkerInNJ have said (while still maintaining appropriate boundaries), but God wants you and your family to be happy as well, yeah?
(ETA: Also what CCLady and FlyByNight said.)
ETA2: Another thought from the Christian standpoint: it might help you to read <i>The Great Divorce</i>, in which C.S. Lewis discusses (through the use of parable and allegory) the question of emotional abuse and what we are, as Christians, required to put up with. (Don’t have my copy here but there’s a chapter where a woman is confronting her emotionally abusive and needy husband – if you want I can look up the exact chapter tonight.) His answer is that it does not make any sense, theologically, for someone to be able to blackmail someone into unhappiness through love.
Hi, Weather Watcher. I’m also an only child and more or less in the same situation as you. My mother is a cruel and manipulative egotist with no sense of morals or ethics, and my father … well, he’s not like that, but he failed to protect me from her or stand up to her time and again my entire life.
I severed as many ties with them as I could; we still keep in touch by email, and they know where I live (though I never told them when I moved, but they found out anyway, stalker-style) but that’s about it. I do feel the occasional pang when I think about them aging on their own but then again, it’s not really a pang of guilt. More like … regret. I simply had to protect myself, and the ones I love, from their toxic ways, and once I saw the whole mess in that light everything became much simpler, as far as what I would and would not tolerate.
A helpful phrase for when she gets nasty on the telephone include, “Well, if we can’t have a pleasant conversation, I suppose we can’t have one at all. I’ll talk to you later. Good bye.” Polite, firm, and then hang up, and go find something else to do besides listen to her crap.
Your mother made her choices about how to treat you, and is apparently OK with the deal. But your choices are up to you, and I don’t think you’re as OK with the status quo as she is.
“Be nice to your children - they get to pick your nursing home.”
I’m glad someone beat me to saying this! You can find scripture to support either side of the argument, really. But I think your own mental health and the stability of your own family are much higher priorities than keeping your mom out of a nursing home.
I’m not too good with the whole Bible thing, but here is some scripture from the internet that you may find helpful:
Job 4:8 As I have seen, those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same.
*Corinthians 9:6 *Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
*Galatians 6:7 *Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
*Proverbs 22:8 *Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail.
Coming at this from a practical angle, rather than theologically, you also have to consider the following:
If your mother can make you feel horrible and unloved and stressed, how well are you going to take care of her if you are her primary caregiver? I think you know the answer to that.
We as humans don’t do our best when we are feeling unhappy, let alone if we are unhappy specifically with the person we’re caring for.
Someone unrelated to your mother, without all of the emotional baggage you have (in other words, a professional care-giver or professional facility FULL of care-givers) would most likely do a better job than you personally would.
If that is so, then you have to look at it from a perspective of what your mother NEEDS versus what she WANTS. We all like to have both, but when it really comes down to it, NEEDS win.
If a professional would do a better job, then it makes sense that those are met, rather than her WANTS.
Think of your responsibility as the same as for a child: The Bible never said to keep your kids happy, right? It said to train them and do what’s best for them. Same situation here - if she’s not going to be happy regardless of where she is, then it’s up to you to make sure that everything else around her is as best you can make it - which from here looks like a professional care-giver or a good retirement home.
I do not know what god would expect, but is it not the golden rule to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So by this logic, say that you were a needy, manipulative, destructive mother to your only child, would you (if you could reverse the situation) do unto her A) by having her cater to your manipulations and feel guilt ridden when not doing so, or B) Have her cut you off and deal with her own life and emotional health.
I am a Mother, and if I were to behave in this way to my grown daughter, and she put up with it, for whatever reason; I would also be setting an example for her to behave in that way (in the future) to her own child. Maybe someone needs to break the chain, because we only get what we tolerate.
The advice to talk about it with your pastor (if you have one) is very good.
My $.02 worth is to agree with some of the other posters - your primary responsibility is to your husband and children. If bringing your mother into your home would hurt them, then that cannot happen. And that would be true even if she had treated you decently.
I don’t get the feeling that she is going to be happy no matter what you do. If you put her into a nursing home, she is going to resent it, both for bad reasons (because she wants to cause trouble for your family) as well as for good ones - very few people like going into a nursing home.
This is one of the hardest things God gives us - to do the right thing, and still feel guilty about it. It sounds like you know what is right - if someone else told you about this, you quite rightly say that it is not up to a child to be miserable because her mother wants her to be miserable.
Jesus says “lead us not into temptation”. To me, one of the things this means is that it is OK not to put yourself (and your family) into harm’s way, by accepting a situation where nobody is going to come out better.
Something you might consider is that perhaps some of your mother’s bad behavior could be due to physical causes, like aging or her years as an alcoholic catching up to her. That’s not going to get better as she gets older. And I bet a nursing home would be better equipped to deal with that than you would be.
Also talk to other people who have gone thru the same thing, where they had to put their parent into a nursing home. My dad did, although the situation was not nearly as severe as yours seems to be. After a while, it is possible although not guaranteed that your mother will tolerate it, but I wouldn’t expect her to be happy about it.
It’s OK not to beat yourself up. God loves you and wants what is best for you, just as much as He does for your mother.
I will pray that peace be with you, and sooner rather than later.
Regards,
Shodan
My mother and I were best friends, and I put her in a nursing home when she needed it. Good nursing homes are preferable to someone in dire need living at home with over-stressed, untrained, working loved ones who cannot care for them.
The important thing is to find a good nursing home, check them out thoroughly beforehand, and check frequently (stay on their ass!) when she is there.
As far as calling or visiting her once your duty by her is done, that’s up to you–doesn’t sound to me as if she deserves it.
God’s requirement for us is to honor our parents. That doesn’t mean that you have to like them or enjoy their company. You should treat your mother the way you would want to be treated. I think that putting her in a good home would be a fine example of living the golden rule. Visit. Be respectful. Love her. Don’t put up with her crap.
IIRC, it also shows a mother whose feelings for her son have turned toxically possessive.
Paraphrased quote from one of my mother’s parish priests (Capuchin, RCC). This was shortly after my father’s death; I had moved back home to help care for him, Mom had rapidly dumped the whole house on me, and after his death she was choking me tighter instead of releasing:
‘Thee shalt not kill’ includes not commiting suicide and not letting your mother kill you. You have to get out of that house, for the sake of your own mental and physical health. Only once you’ve taken care of yourself will you be able to help care for her. I know she makes it seem as if you’re responsible for her happiness, my parents do that to my youngest brother: you’re not, but you’re responsible for yours. “You owe me your life” is a shitty thing to say, and it doesn’t mean you owe them back a life plus interest.
If she does go into a nursing home (and life’s uncertain, that may never happen) you can do things like write to her often. (And if you have kids, encourage them to write to her.)
I am not a Christian, nor an only child. But when I was faced, with what you’re talking about, I chose not to become a caregiver for my own mother. And, pretty much, for the very reasons you’ve described.
However, within a decade, I took on caregiving for my, fully bedridden and incontinent, Mother in law. We cared for her, in our home, till she passed, 6 yrs later. It was difficult, in the extreme, and meant changing our entire lives, but we did it willingly, because we loved her and she was loving in return.
Of course, we didn’t do these things because we thought it was what ‘God’ wanted for us. We did it because of who we are.
My mother would not have hesitated to destroy our lives, just for giggles or out of sheer boredom. No one is obligated to bring on their own destruction. I can’t convince myself that any loving God would want your beautiful family distressed or destroyed, whether from without or within.
Just my opinion.