When lousy parents seriously need help, what do you do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hello, fellow SDMB members,

I’ve been a way from the board for a while, what with a big international move that has turned out more complicated than expected. I hate to return to the SDMB with a new thread instead of an in-depth look at what others have to say. But I really need that special brand of Doper wisdom right now.

In short, my dad (age 79) is near death, it seems. My parents are American but retired to Mexico 6 or 8 years ago. I’m an only child, professional expatriate, just relocated from Africa to Southeast Asia. The details of my life right now are pretty complicated, but I’d rather not bother with describing too many of them unless they become relevant to the discussion.

The bottom line is, I’m now in Mexico dogsitting three insanely enthusiastic and untrained canines that my parents unwisely adopted in their old age. I’m worrying that I’m going to lose a brand new and wonderful job because I have to be here, while my mother is in the US staying in a hotel in Texas across the street from a hospital where my dad is in terrible shape and, if he doesn’t die, is never going to return to real health. My mother is falling apart with grief, and wants me to stay in Mexico indefinitely.

The whole situation sucks, and what makes it worst is that … please forgive me for saying this … I really don’t have any good memories of life with my parents, as they were garden-variety child abusers who beat me up a fair bit and constantly told me I’d never live up to their expectations. Over the years (I’m almost 50, no kid) I have gained perspective; I try to be a good daughter and I understand that they didn’t willfully set out to screw me up or terrorize me, their own inadequate childhoods set them up to be bad parents. But, Og forgive me, I don’t feel that special bond of love that should be helping me feel automatically motivated to be compassionate to them.

Don’t get me wrong. I will be there for my parents as needed. But, dammit, even as I try to be a good daughter and do whatever I can to alleviate my parents’ pain (really only my mom right now; my dad has been sedated from surgery for days now and may never be alert again for all I know), I effing resent it. I don’t want my “real” family – that is, my tirelessly loving husband and son – to suffer from my absence (which they are, as our move has turned out to be unexpectedly traumatic), and I don’t want to lose a new job, the one bright spot in my life right now, because of people I only feel obligation, not love, toward.

Enough whining. I’m looking for insights from people who have dealt with similar situations. Judging from past threads I’ve read, there are many of us who have had unhappy experiences with parents. Please share with me how you made it through making sacrifices to help your parents through tough times even when you really felt, in your secret heart, that they had never really earned the help they needed.

I’ll be happy to provide more details about my current situation, but don’t want to go on for an inordinately long post. If you have any questions, I’ll be glad to fill in the blanks.

Thanks. And Happy New Year.

2

Damn, and just yesterday I was thinking “I hope Indonesia is treating Carol right” :frowning:

I’m in a somewhat similar situation. No beatings, but no bond of love either - my parents stressed duty, the verb “querer” (want/love) was treated as more sinful than murder; Mom in bad health since forever and wanting me to take care of her, which means slowly watching my Self die.

Five years ago I was able to stay with Mom for less than a week before wanting to cut her throat slowly with a rusty saw - now we’re up for several months, but still, I can’t live with her. She sucks my will right out (as well as my money).

We can’t let guilt be the driving force of our lives. Mom once threw a dish of food at me calling me a bad daughter when I left her bedside (she was bedridden at the time) to go feed my brothers who’d just arrived home from school (5 and 7 then) - I wasn’t a bad daughter then any more than you’re one now for needing to live your own life and be with that son and husband who need you more than your parents do. Your parents need someone to care for them, but it doesn’t have to be you.

3

When I saw the thread OP, I thought Cool! Carol is back! Welcome back.
Then I read the OP.
{{{{Carol}}}}
I don’t know if I have anything to say that will help you out. If I had the relationship with my parents that you have with yours, I would have no problem hiring a dog sitter and heading home to your family and job.
If you are never going to measure up to their standards, why try?

4

What they said. My father-in-law never got the love he wanted from his mother, and when she started slowly dying of lung cancer he took her in. Unfortunately that didn’t make him any less of an abusive asshole to his family, his friends (most of whom stopped being such), his inlaws, etc. My husband and I are staying with one-bedroom homes for very good reasons - we will not pass on the lessons learned to a new generation, and we will not take him in to our home. (There’s little worry of him needing financial support; he impoverished his family members when they were young so he could dress sharp for work and invest in land; he has significant other investments these days too.)

Find a good dog boarder near the hospital in Texas, and send the dogs there. Set a deadline for leaving, with plans on returning if things change significantly - and make your mom set up with the hospital an agreement that under HIPAA you can be fully informed by them of your dad’s condition, so your mother doesn’t cry wolf or misinterpret anything accidentally.

You have your own family to take care of, and they desperately need you. You have a new job to keep.

5

I’m very sorry that this is happening in your life right now.

I’m interested, though, to see where this thread goes. (Sorry to sound like a voyeur in the midst of your difficulty…) I have similar concerns about my mother, should her health fail. She and my dad are divorced and the only living relatives she has are my sisters and I (and our kids, who are all quite young right now). She, too, was a horribly abusive person and, although she has gotten better over the years, she has also rewritten history in her own mind and somehow thinks that she gave us good childhoods. All this pisses my sisters and I off to no end, of course. Things are bad enough during the holidays, when no one wants to spend time with her and I end up being the one to go to her house or have her to mine, sheerly out of guilt. I just don’t know what will happen should there come a time when decisions need to be made about her care.

6

As another poster stated, do not let guilt drive you.

You have a husband and son. You should be with them.

It always amazes me when I read “the kid is 18, kick them out, they are an adult, let them stand on their own two feet” and not many people argue that is the best medicine.

But when a parent who is an adult and has been so for many, many years should require us to return and be the one thing they depend on.

It is not required that parents take care of a child over the age of 18. It is never required that a child take care of a parent. If you want to that is your choice, parent or child. You do not have to.

My mother has told me time and time again to never put her in a nursing home. If she gets physically uncapable of living alone then she is going, like it or not. I will not spend months or years caring for her.

That may sound cold and harsh but it is a fact. I have lived with my mother three seperate times. Once as a child, once after her divorce and another when she went on disability. I can not live with her and keep myself sane.

Sometimes there is no “being a good daughter”. You don’t have to be and should not be made to feel guilty. I can assume you are a good mother and a good wife. You have a good career. Look there for your acceptance.

7

Sit down with a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle. On the left write REASONS I SHOULD GO BACK TO MY FAMILY AND CAREER. On the right hand side write REASONS I SHOULD TELL MY PARENTS TO FUCK OFF.

List as many as you can in each column. Add the two columns together and get out of there.

8

Ah, I knew I could count on you guys. Thanks for the input and support. Nava, your situation with your mom sounds terrible – sorry to hear that dreadful story. Lorene, don’t worry about being a voyeur … that’s the beauty of a good message board, we all get to be voyeurs in a healthy, helpful way. Everyone else, thanks for the kind words/support.

Anyway, it looks like I may get a bit of a reprieve (although the news changes hourly; up, down, up, down again, and so on). My dad is doing much better and my mother told the doctor about my circumstances; the doctor told my mother I should go home to Indonesia (thank you, Doctor, whoever you are). So hopefully I’m dodging this situation for now.

The next step is to try to get my mother better organized for an emergency, because obviously this situation is going to arise again. You cannot believe (oh, sure you all can, if you’ve got nutty parents too) how ill-prepared they were for this. They speak no Spanish, don’t understand the health care system here, and had made no preparations for an emergency. I jumped on a plane and got here with very few pesos in my wallet; my mother promptly left saying “oh I don’t have any money, you’ll just have to figure something out. The gardener and the maid need to be paid, I don’t know how much the gardener makes.” Well, my bank card doesn’t work in this little town (and there is no money in the ATM machines anyway due to the new year, I’m told) so I am reduced to depending on my parents friends for help! Gahh.

Anyway, let this be a lesson to us all: PREPARE. I could see this coming a mile off, and I too need to make better plans, since my parents obviously aren’t. (I had wanted to talk to them about stuff, but always got the brush-off as my parents were in denial. At least they can’t deny reality after this.) I’m going to make sure I have a big wad of pesos in our safe at home. I’m going to make my mother learn how to use her cell phone. I’m going to tell her to get a safe and leave some emergency cash in it. Etc., etc.

Now I’ll go browse the boards and think about someone else’s problems/ideas for a while.

9

I could very well be in a similar situation as you are in a couple years, and you have my sincere sympathy. I know all too well that feeling of grudging, frustratingly want to help a parent who
a. really doesn’t deserve the help
b. doesn’t acknowledge your help, or worse, takes it for granted or, even more maddeningly, considers your help “barely sufficient”.
c. helping them reminds you, deep down, of all the times they didn’t hep you and that hurts so you have to spend emotional energy in covering up that hurt.
d. works *against *your help by being stuck in denial, acting stubborn, beign naive, untrusting, etc etc.

Practically, this is a no-brainer. Follow Ferret Herder’s practical advice.

If bringing the dogs across any borders is too much of a hassle, try a boarding house near your parents house. If your dad dies, the dogs will probably do your mother much good and distract her lots, so she will have to rely less on her family’s attention. If a boarding house for weeks for three dogs is getting too expensive (be sure to have the bill sent to your parents), call the local Animal Protection office and ask them for advice on where to leave the dogs. I’d be surprised if they don’t have volunteers for this kind of situation.

10

It is my very firm belief that children growing up in abusive households, when they don’t outright reject their parents entirely as adults, have an overwhelming sense of responsibility for their parents’ wellbeing. I used to think this was out of desperate love, but eventually I realized it is out of fear. When you can’t make your parents happy as a child, they hurt you. So you get into the habit of always trying to make them happy. This gives them more power over you as an adult than you even realize, because you think you’re just trying to be ‘‘loving’’ when really you’re allowing yourself to be controlled out of fear.

I understand your parents are going through a difficult time right now, but they never earned your loyalty and you owe them nothing. You have every right to look out for #1. You’ve had that right since the day you were born.

And there’s nothing to say you have to either abandon them or be their freakin’ slave. Maybe you can help in some ways but not in others. You have your own family to take care of, and you’re doing way better at it than they ever did when they were parents.

Best of luck with everything. {{{{Carol}}}}

Also, what don’t ask said. That is an eloquent and convincing argument right there.

11

>The whole situation sucks, and what makes it worst is that … please forgive me for saying this … I really don’t have any good memories of life with my parents, as they were garden-variety child abusers…

Nobody has an unconditional right to your help or support or companionship or caring.

For some reason, there is a commonly held idea that each of us has to have some kind of significant and sound relationship with our parents. But that would mean that there are no limits on the harm a parent could do without losing the privilige of a nice relationship with their children, which is crazy.

I think any help you have given your parents was a gift and there’s no reason to keep on giving without qualification, or to feel any guilt about giving no more.

12

Originally posted by olivesmarch4th:

Olive, that is BRILLIANT. You have totally nailed it. I suppose my commentary that follows is just supporting evidence for what you have said.

To all those who recommend walking away from the situation, I can’t and never will. Yes, my parents were horrible, but they really did the best they could. They both come from dysfunctional backgrounds themselves. If I were to walk away from them now, I would be the source of horrible pain.

I didn’t ask to be put in this situation, but no one ever gets up in the morning and says “hey, I think I’d like to face a challenging life crisis today – bring on the adversity!” The fact this situation is not my fault does not, in my book, give me the right to walk away from it. Think about this – suppose a little kid on a trike darted out in front of your car and you hit them, completely not your fault. Would you walk away, or would you stay and help? Of course, you’d take responsibility. Honestly, I feel this situation is somewhat analogous. One could argue that my parents bear more responsibility than a three year old, and they do, but they just didn’t have it in them to be good parents.

I’ve thought a lot about the concept of breaking the cycle of abuse, since I’m a parent now myself. The major part of that, of course, is being a good parent to my own child, and I feel pretty good about that (I’m not perfect, but I don’t beat him and I don’t belittle him). But part of good parenting is also providing a good role model for your kids when you engage with the rest of the world.

My son is nearly 10 and pretty smart. He knows what is going on and would figure it out if I abandoned my parents. While I certainly hope I never put him in quite such a demanding position with respect to the end of my days, who knows – no matter how carefully I plan, I could end up incapacitated. Even if I have my life in order, I’d still want him to come visit me and offer love and support. He’s never going to know the hell I went through as a child; all he will ever see is how I, as a grown-up, treat my parents, and I’d like him to see behavior that is worth emulating.

So that’s my argument for gritting my teeth and seeing things through.

On the other hand, I have a friend whose mom was really damaging to him (she wanted him to replace his dad, who had left her, and she had a vaguely incestuous thing for him which totally creeped him out, of course). One day in his 20s he decided enough was enough and he cut off all contact with his entire family so no one could ever find him. He doesn’t even list himself in the phone book under his real name; his friends know the fake name he uses so we can all find him.

But he’s had me mail Christmas cards for him from strange locations, so that his family knows he is okay but can’t trace the postmark.

We’ve talked about it, and both of us envy the other – I envy him his ability to have completely walked away (though obviously, on some emotional level, he hasn’t and never can). He on the other hand envies MY ability to be a good daughter while managing to keep my own self whole.

So, no one solution to the crazy parent problem works for everyone. And I don’t think there is any perfect answer no matter what. You’ll be haunted by whatever decision you make.

13

I agree with this completely.

Yes, I see we really understand one another now. Don’t expect everyone to understand your decision, but make it clear that it really is your choice. You are not trapped. You are making the choice to take better care of them than they took care of you. And that’s okay. Because it not only re-affirms–to you–that you are breaking the cycle of violence and that you can love stronger than they can, but it is also a wonderful example for your child.

I don’t think this works for everyone and every parent. Sometimes the relationship is just too toxic. But as adults we have the ability to assess the situation with at least some degree of objectivity and decide what role our parents are going to have in their lives. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

14

This is what I came to say esp. the first duty is to your kid, then your husband.

I also would, as much as possible, not let the past dictate your thinking as I think this would be true whether they were Mike & Carol Brady or Joan Crawford or anywhere in between .

15

Yep, your ten year old very bright son right now knows his mother is in a different country choosing her parents over him. You are going to be causing pain to someone - your parents seem to have earned theirs - whether they did the best they can or not, they made the decisions that got them where they are. Your son hasn’t made those decisions and doesn’t need to have “those decisions are OK and Mom will drop everything and bail you out if you screw up” modeled for him.

16

>suppose a little kid on a trike darted out…
>Would you walk away, or would you stay…
>Of course, you’d take responsibility.
>Honestly, I feel this situation is somewhat analogous.

There is some analogy here, but there is also something insidious that could be very wrong with it.
Parents have such a formative power over us that the way we handle them may never be reasonable. That is, we may never be able to make an informed consent to be what they want us to be, even when we are 50.
If you’re fortunate enough to have a neutral or even positive experience of childhood, then the relationship with parents can be good and strong and mutually benefitial.
But many people have such horrendous early exposure to their parents that they are trapped in a way, and a cultural expectation to “honor thy parents” by maintaining a helpful and cooperative relationship with them amounts to both a kind of mental prison and maybe even a mechanism for transmitting the harm downward through the generations forever.
NOBODY is entitled to your caring without regard to their behavior, except for infants who can’t hurt you and have nobody else (the only exception I can think up).

17

There is middle ground to be had–you don’t have to completely abandon them or abandon your career.
Find a bank statement. Get the POAs and HIPPAA stuff in line so that you can have access to information (like being put on their checking account). SET BOUNDARIES with your mother–I leave on this date; we need to have accomplished XYZ but this date. I will call on Tuesdays at 4pm to check on things etc. You must be firm, but kind. But YOU must take action, not wait for them to lead you. I would even go so far as to say that you need to just DO some of this stuff without asking for permission or approval: take those dogs to a kennel or find someone who can walk and feed them daily. Write the info down, have the bills sent to your mother and then inform her of it.

You have a life and child who need you in them. You cannot be all things to all people. There’s a chance your parents won’t understand or agree with that. That is reality and you must live in it, even if they won’t. You’re not abandoning them; you are helping them while living your life.

18

You can also put conditions on those boundaries.

“I will be happy to help, but I cannot help from Indonesia while you are in Mexico. If you want my help, you need to move back to the States.”

19

I’d bet in your mother’s mind she was very prepared. Her response to a crisis:

  1. Call CairoCarol
  2. Let her take care of the situation for me.
    This thread reminds me quite a bit about my relationship with my mother. My heart goes out to you.
    I have to second everything being said about setting resonable boundries. Decide in your own mind what is reasonable for you to do. Yes, you love your parents. But they aren’t the only loved ones in your life. There comes a time when it’s not reasonable to expect your husband and son to “understand” that your first priority is always going to be to your parents.
20

Sorry to hear your troubles.

Caring for your parents is right and proper, but your first priority is your own family. When the latter comes into conflict with the former, the former must give way.