When lousy parents seriously need help, what do you do?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Woah there - choosing her parents who are sick and have no other children over him who is healthy and has a good Dad, and it’s temporary.

I’ll never begrudge Mom the times she spends in Barcelona taking as much care of her parents (also two pieces of poisoned cake) as they allow, or keeping her house ready to receive them if needed. But I do tell her that when she goes to their house, she needs to get the hell out of Tucson before she comes back in such bad shape that myself or my brother need to spend several days nursing her :smack: .

Carol, can your parents use Skype? Mom’s side of the family has this theory that it’s always the youngest person who must call; there’s been times when this made my phone bill larger than my rent and the whole conversations had been inane monologues by Mom (why should I give a flying donkey’s ass that temperatures in Barcelona are one or two ºC higher than in Navarra during the winter, about the same in fall and spring, and five to ten lower in the summer? And how is that news?). One of the things she seems to need most from me is someone with the ability to go “ahum” and “aha” at the right spots in the monologue and she’s very tightfisted - she’d refused to learn to use anything electronic (that used to be Dad’s realm) until I told her about this widdle computer tool that allows me to spend more than one hour on the phone with her (or her with Grandma) for less than a plane ticket’s worth :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley: You can use it to send pictures, too.

22

Depends on how “temporary” this is. Dad passes on in a week and Mom becomes independent and this isn’t a big deal in anyone’s life. Dad lingers (who knows what ‘near death’ means - my grandfather lingered eight days once we stopped providing any life support). Mom is very needy during and after his illness - lives another four years herself - and that’s a big chunk of the kids childhood. I got no feeling from the OP that this was going to take a few weeks and then life would return to normal for the ten year old. I got the feeling that this was going to be the way it is until both Carol’s parents pass - and then she anticipates a mess of cleanup.

She is already afraid it is affecting her husband and son - and that she may lose her job over it.

You are an adult - if your mother spends time taking care of her parents that’s a different deal than if she spends time taking care of them when you are ten.

23

Thanks for the perspectives, all.

Yup, this is true so far. The problems start if things drag on too long, both because of the sheer length of my absence and because of what he is going through right now – he’s lonely due to the move, and school does not start until January 28, so he has no friends and no way to make them. So everyone’s comments above, whether saying “hey, a short absence is not a big deal” or “she needs to put her nuclear family first” contain an element of truth.

Oops, would love to comment more but just got a call from one of my parents’ friends and will have to go out soon. So, just a very brief update - for the moment, things are stabilized. I am going back to Indonesia in a few days (have arranged with the maid to take over dogsitting responsibilities in my absence, now I just have to find the cash to pay her even though my bank card doesn’t work here but I think that’s going to work out), the new job is waiting for me so far, at least if I can get to the office by the 7th of January, and I will continue to take steps to prepare for when (not if) this happens again. (Like getting my mom on Skype – you are right, Nava, it is essential.)

24

“Just a guest” here, but I was also an only child in an abusive family. I like the points others have made and it seems they’ve said most of what I’d say if I felt long-winded, which I usually do.

Just one thing.

" I’d like him to see behavior that is worth emulating."

Then why not show him how to do something that is seriously difficult, such as making a healthy decision in the face of unhealthy behavior all around you? The decision to do what your parents seem to want is the easy one, isn’t it?

Forget, for a moment, if you can that these are your parents. If they were not your parents, are they people you would want to help? Are they even people who want help? Are you in a position to help them in the way they want? Are they people you would even choose to share the same universe with?

After many attempts at reconciliation over the years, my reluctant conclusion was that for me, the parent-well was dry and going back over and over again in the hope of something good coming out of the relationship was idiocy. That decision took about 20 years of agonizing and making bad choices.

But the nice thing about choices is that at any minute we can make another one, right?

Good luck. You sound like a very strong person, whether you believe you are at this moment or not.

25

I’ve only skimmed this thread, but I think I have something to add that hasn’t been said.

I have a similar situation with my family, and my thinking is this: They reap what they sow. If my dad eventually spends his final days alone in a nursing home with no visitors, it’s because he was a lousy father to at least this child, who therefore doesn’t really give a rat’s ass what happens to him.

26

Agreed- I don’t think you owe assholes (or worse) anything just becasue they are your parents- that “you have to love and respect your parents” bullshit is out the window if they aren’t decent people.

27

I’m not going to say help your parents or don’t help them–that decision is yours. I will say though that you should put your own life and family first, even if that limits the help you can give your parents–don’t let helping them limit what you can do in your own life. You can still help them make arrangements for whatever help they need to be provided locally, or send them some money, but your husband and son, not to mention yourself, should come first.

Your mother will probably need help, but you don’t have to be the one helping her. Your son needs his mother, and you are the only person who can fill that role.

28

EXCELLENT post here. {{{Carol}}}

29

Sorry to hear about the crappy situation. Hope it turns out as good as might be expected.

I don’t have a ton of really similar experience, but when my parents were aging I decided that I would be glad to help them, but only if they took some steps to situate themselves such that it was not terribly inconvenient for me. For 10 years after my dad’s stroke and after my mom began fighting cancer, they lived in an old house, 1 hour drive from me. And they wanted me to come over and change the storms/screens, clean the gutters, etc. Plus they needed to arrange to have the snow shovelled and grass mowed…

I had 3 young kids and felt it was enough work to maintain my own house. We offered an array of options. If they moved to a condo/apartment/house near us, we would help with the maintenance, and pick them up for as many meals as they wished. If they wanted, we would pool resources with them and buy a house with some kind of in-law arrangements. But what I wasn’t going to do was sacrifice my family’s interests to maintain them in their current lifestyle and location.

They moved into an assisted living situation that was somewhat closer to me, and just off my commuter train route. I stopped by and saw them at least once a week. Unfortunately, they both died 2-3 months later.

And I was comfortable with that position, with no abuse/neglect issues.

The issue isn’t whether you are willing to help your parents, but whether they are reasonable in the manner of assistance they request. I could imagine telling them you would help them if they wanted to get rid of their dogs, or move back to the US.

If I read the OP correctly, you aren’t in Mexico with your mom, you’re in Mexico with her frigging dogs! That’s one damned pricey pet-sitter! IMO, your husband and kid definitely take infinite precedence over a pack of mutts, and paying household help.

Sorry your mom is grieving, but old people get sick and die. If they choose to situate themselves such that they lack adequate local support, then they are limited in having the luxury of abandoning their obligations while they indulge themselves by “falling apart with grief.” And people who shit on their family run the risk of growing old and dying alone. Presuming you have no interest in living in Mexico, she should be clear that that just isn’t going to happen. Tho you might wish to be there for her or her dad should they need you in the future, IMO, that should not include dogsitting and managing their household from halfway around the world.

30

I can’t agree with that. I don’t think anyone deserves to end up alone, and it’s not my job to decide who has sown what or who should reap what.

I do know it wasn’t my responsibility to make sure my parents didn’t end up alone in a nursing home, based on their treatment of me. My mother actually did end up that way, but I made damned sure that long before it came to that point I had done everything in my power to attempt a healthy (as in non-abusive) relatiionship with her, and there was no hope of having one.

It is a damned shame when the people who are supposed to love us and nurture us are abusive a**holes. We can wish it were otherwise, we can spend all our time obsessing about it, we can cry and kick and scream about how we deserve better, and that’s all true. But none of it changes anything.

The very least we can do is to stay the hell away from people who treat us like crap, even if they are related to us by blood.

31

I saw an HBO type documentary on this several years back, about a family caring for 80 year old dad/grandfather who was (sexually) abusive and an overall bastard, that may help, if I could remember the title- ring any bells with anyone?

32

In my opinion, if you walked away from them now, you wouldn’t be a source of horrible pain; life would be the source of that pain. You just wouldn’t be sacrificing parts of yourself to try and shield them from some of it. I think the real decision you need to make is how much of yourself you’re willing to give them now, and what you’ll regret.

And I think you should give their dogs to a good home and tell your mom she never had them if she asks. Ever see the movie “Gaslight?” :smiley:

33

Originally posted by featherlou:

Snork. I shouldn’t laugh, but I am.

Dinsdale, your comments are wise, and uncannily similar to my own comments/thoughts (I’ve been joking to everyone here that “I’m the world’s most expensive dogsitter.”)

34

Thanks. Glad my rambling has been of some interest/help.

If it is not too personal/intimate, I wondered if you might be willing to express a little more about the exact reasons you are acting as you are, and why you are doing what you are?
-What you expect to accomplish? Is there a desired end result?
-Are your expectations consistent with your parents’?
-How realistic are your expectations?
-What will be improved by your actions? What are the benefits?
-What exactly are you giving up by your choices? What are the costs?
-Who are all of the parties being affected by your actions (you, your husband, kid, mom, dad, employer …), and how are they being affected?
-If various parties’ interests/roles conflict, who gets precedence and why?
-Have you asked your husband and son how they honestly feel about this situation and for any concrete suggestions?

That kind of thing.

I know your OP included this paragraph:

But I thought it might be of use if you really tried to elaborate exactly how you got in your current situation and how you feel about it. If it is too personal to conduct on-line, you might benefit from putting it down on paper. Just make sure you ask yourself the hard questions, and force yourself to respond as clearly and specifically as you can. Sometimes another set of eye or ears can provide some helpful objectivity.

Another real possibility is that there is no specific situation involving your parents, that will - um - make you feel good. Sorry that sounds pessimistic or whatever, but if you are trying to choose the action that will make you feel “good,” that just might not be a possibility. As far as your parents go, your choices might be among those that make you feel less bad.

Finally, IMO the center of your life is now the family made up of you, your husband and son. I view that as simply a natural generational evolution. Yes, the optimal situation is for older generations to continue to play a part in your nuclear family, but you must insist whenever possible that your family not suffer unnecessarily for the support/maintenance of past family relationships. (Note, I’m not suggesting that your children cannot learn valuable lessons about the duty, love, and support owed your elders, and that any inconvenience to your nuclear family is too much. Just saying you owe it to your spouse and kid to conduct such a weighing, and afford them priority.)

Good luck.

35

Dinsdale, your questions are good ones for me to think about – I won’t get into offering long answers here, not because I would feel squeamish about revealing details with regard to myself, but mostly because that’s an awful lot of writing to do (and reading if anyone actually wanted to).

But I realize I have probably inadvertently misled people in one respect in this thread – it sounds from what I wrote like my mother asked me to come out here to dogsit so they could go off to Houston.

That’s not an entirely unfair portrait of what’s going on, inasmuch as now that I’m here, my mother doesn’t want me to leave (which is stupid – see “world’s most expensive dogsitter” comments, above.)

However, I did not arrive with the expectation of this situation, and would not have agreed to it had I known it would work out this way.

What actually happened was that my dad has been quite ill for several weeks and has had several surgeries in Mexico. The doctors expected to amputate at least one leg, maybe two. Both of my parents were frantic about this, not only because that is scary in general, but also because they can’t help but have some doubts about the quality of the medical care here, and not speaking Spanish adds a tremendous amount of stress.

So, I offered to come out to help them through this period, and after first refusing a few times, my mother said, in tears, “yes, please come, I’m exhausted, I can’t take it any more.” This was not her being a drama queen – she had been through a lot, not only watching my father suffer but having to sleep on the dirty floor in hospitals, etc. etc.

While I was en route, my father’s condition worsened and my mother decided “enough of this, I’m taking him to the US.” So she made plans to leave within 12 hours of my arrival. She picked me up at the airport late at night, the next morning we got up and picked my dad up from the hospital, and off they went.

Which is how I came to be the dogsitter. Had I not been on the way when my mother decided to cut and run for the US, she would have made arrangements for the dogs before leaving.

So, the irritating thing is not that she planned it this way – she didn’t – but that (1) she wasn’t better prepared in advance; she should keep emergency money in a safe, she should know how much the gardener gets paid, etc. etc. Plus, frankly, she should have taken him to the US a long time ago. (2) Once the situation got underway, she seemed to think it would be really nice if I could just stay in Mexico, which is incredibly stupid because not only do I have a life to get back to, I’m not even with my parents, which is generally the whole point when grown children disrupt their lives on behalf of ill parents.

So, that’s a slightly fuller picture of the circumstances, even if it doesn’t address the good probing questions that Dinsdale asks.