Abusive Parents: Do You Give Them Loving Care When They're Old?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A coworker and I both had horrible childhoods. My dad was very abusive, in every conceivable way, and my mother wasn’t, but she sure as shit contributed to it by doing nothing to save us. Her mother was very abusive, ie flipping out screaming, brushing her teeth with Clorox, scrubbing her neck with a wire brush, etc. Now both of our mothers are old, 65 and 75, her dad’s dead, and both of my parents are still alive and self-supporting.

She takes care of her mother. While her mother doesn’t live with her, she will when it’s time to, and she takes her mother to the doctor, calls her every day, and takes care of pretty much her every need. She does it in a loving way, too, from what I can see, and while she does still hold a big grudge against her mother (she told me), it doesn’t seem to surface in their relationship.

I haven’t spoken to my dad in over 10 years. I do see and speak to my mother very infrequently, like every couple of years, and those times are very cordial but not emotional at all… more like a relationship with a distant elderly aunt than a mom, but it works for us.

My coworker and I were discussing our childhoods and the effects they had on our relations with our parents now and in the future, when they may need more care from their children and/or go to a nursing home. My feelings about it are basically, “Fuck 'em”- you reap what you sow, baby. You shoulda thought about what would happen when you got old way back when I was the helpless one and you treated me like shit. I know it sounds very cold and heartless and bitchy, but to be clear I’m not talking about minor abuse, I’m talking about things like how my first memory is of my dad beating the crap out of my mom and how now my aunt tells me that when I was 3 I had bruises on my whole body for “lying”. I feel that up to a point past sins can be forgiven, and families can heal and overcome, I am not totally heartless about it. I just feel that my parents crossed a line, very early on, and I do feel completely justified in my decision. My coworker, while her brothers share my opinion and she does understand it, does not feel the same. She will take care of her mother until she dies, but I will not- not even for a day. My dad will be lucky if I don’t take him out myself*, much less take care of him. I feel good about my decision, not the least bit guilty, and my coworker feels good about hers, too, so there’s really no debate here, or a need for a consensus. Just taking a poll, as it were.

Have you faced this situation, and what path did you choose? If you’ve not faced this situation, what do you think you would do?

*I kid- in reality I underwent therapy and don’t really even hold a grudge against him now but am more “flat”-feeling towards him.

2

I wasn’t abused but I imagine if I had been, I would agree with you. I don’t think I’d feel bad about it either.

3

I had a wonderful, loving family. However, if my mother had brushed my teeth with Clorox and scrubbed my neck with a wire brush, she could change her own fucking Depends. Maybe that makes me cold, but so be it. I’m not saying I’d think less of somebody who did care for a parent who had been abusive when they were younger (abusive older people who are that way because of dementia, Alzheimers, etc. are a different question), I’d wonder why and secretly I might think they were weak.

4

I don’t think it’s the same type of abuse (maybe mine was more mentally) but growing up my mom made my life hell. When she bailed ship and tried to take everyone down with her, Dad stepped up to the plate and made a lot of sacrifices to make sure that us kids were coping as well as possible and doing our best to live life.

If something was to happen in the future, I would open my door to him in a heartbeat.

Despite the feelings of familial obligation and the fact that there are moments where I momentarily think that she may not be so terrible, I would never take care of my mother in future.

5

I agree. While I’ve never been abused, some people close to me have been. The former abusers should not bother to look my way if they need any help, because they’re not going to get it.

I understand why someone else would make a different decision, though.

6

I think care in old age would only become a reasonable expectation if the abuser had a sincere change of heart and wanted to make up for the horrible things he or she had done. (And even then I would definitely understand the person who could never accept this apology.) If not, or if they just go senile, I don’t think anyone should feel guilty about not helping them out—you reap what you sow, indeed.

7

Nobody is entitled to our love and care unconditionally, except perhaps an infant or small child. To feel obligated to care for an abusive parent is crazymaking. Moreover, I think it’s pretty typical for an adult child of an abusive parent to have poor or incomplete ability to maintain a healthy psychological independence and to keep consolodated all the gains of life and maturity, when stuck back into a close relationship with the parent. One mechanism of growing is moving away from parents; what I’m saying here is that it might be the main or only mechanism for some of us with compromised childhoods, and we might have a very hard time if that mechanism is undone by moving back together or entering into an extensively committed setup.

>I think care in old age would only become a reasonable expectation if the abuser had a sincere change of heart and wanted to make up for the horrible things he or she had done.

I have to disagree. Lots and lots of bad parents have a sincere change of heart when it doesn’t matter so much anymore, when the harm has been done, and childhood’s precious window of opportunity has closed forever, and there really isn’t much hard work the parent could do anyway.

You can’t make up for doing horrible things to a child, any more than you could execute somebody a dozen times for killing a dozen people.

8

Let 'em die in pain, preferably alone in a gutter somewhere. There are some things that “a sincere change of heart” won’t make up for.

9

You took the words right out of my mouth. My dad was not abusive, but he didn’t do much about being a dad either, outside of paying (half of) the bills (and griping about every extra dime). And as he’s aged he’s become a right bastard and not much fun to be around. I ignore him as much as I can. The only reason I have to interact with him at all is that my mom refuses to divorce him, even though she’d really really like to. It’s pretty twisted.

My mom at least tried, but I have issues with her too. I think it was here that I wrote a few years ago about taking care of her after surgery for a week or so, with my asshole dad around getting in the way. I would gladly see to her needs in old age, and I hope to God he goes first so that (1) he’s her problem, not mine and (2) he won’t be in the way when I’m the one making decisions for her (I’m already named as her PoA for health care, not him, so there).

Reap what you sow . . . excellent way to put it.

10

My best friend had the parental issues with an alcoholic father who still lives, while her mother died of cancer a couple of years ago. My friend spent every moment she could with her mum - and hasn’t spoken to her father since the funeral. He’s mostly drunk and unable to care for himself, but she has blocked his calls and tells concerned neighbours to ring Social Services and let them clean him up.

I think it’s the only sane decision she could have made.

I was speaking to my other best friend today, she was saying how she gets tempted to spend time with her mother every so often - just an afternoon or so - then she remembers the hellpit of horrors that have been spawned from every other visit. The temptation passes and, luckily, she can afford to hire a nurse or companion for her mother when the time comes.

My own mother was ordered by her dad to take care of him when he became ‘fragile’. He’d never been abusive, the opposite in fact, but she still told him that her loyalty was with her husband and children. She gave him what time and care she could, without ever allowing herself to be pressured.
She’s also told me that, whatever she or my dad might say in illness or senility, she fully expects me to put mine and my child’s needs before theirs. And she’ll deliberately die, just to haunt me if I don’t.

Your work friend may be getting some satisfaction from being a ‘better’ person than her mother. Good for her if she is.

11

I can’t do the “loving” part, but I do the care. I’ve actually been able to give better care since I managed to forgive myself for not being able to do the “loving” as well as I’d like and since I learned how to say “no”.

When Dad died, one of our parish priests warned Mom not to try and use one of her children as a substitute - she came home huffing and puffing that Father would think she’d cling too much onto my brothers, but he was talking about me. There’s needs she has which do need my help and I help her, and times she’s just desperately trying to climb over everybody in sight, like someone drowning - I don’t let her drown me any more.

12

Some people get to a point in life where they realise their parents were flawed humans like everyone else, and didn’t get the instruction manual on child rearing either.Likely their grandparents modeled that.
Some people understand that though avenging childhood wrongs might yield temporary satisfaction, it really just continues the cycle. Rising above that can be true satisfaction in a nasty brutish life.

13

My mother made my life a living hell. What’s sad about that is that her mother did the same thing to her, only tenfold. That my mother was able to limit the damage she did to me as much as she did was a great achievement.

I will give her whatever help and compassion I can during the end of her life (provided I am myself alive to do so), but it won’t be a loving care simply because that’s the way she made me. I don’t do that “love” crap. :smiley:

14

Well, we can all differentiate between “parenting mistakes” and outright abuse, can’t we? None of us got an instruction manual. But some of us made a choice to learn a better way to parent. I’m one of those. On finding out I was pregnant the first time, my first thought was “I don’t want to be the kind of (abusive, neglectful) mother my mother was”, but I also realized that if all you decide is what kind of parent you don’t want to be, you’re left with a void. You need to decide what kind of parent you do want to be.

My mother never did that. I guess my dad didn’t, either. They allowed a man to live in our house for years, who sexually abused me and two of my sisters. My parents knew he was molesting us and allowed it to happen, because he was contributing a lot of money to the household. So, basically, my parents “sold” the bodies of their three youngest daughters. That’s not a matter of “they didn’t get the manual”. In addition to all that, my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. I mean, you don’t fucking tell your children “I hate you all and wish I’d never had any of you”. You just don’t. You shouldn’t need an instruction manual to tell you certain shit.

Deep breath. OK. Rant over. (And Carson, please understand I’m not ranting at you personally. I see what you’re trying to say. But I’ve had others say basically the same thing to me, and I wanted to address it). Now to address the OP:
The man who molested us moved out of our house into the house his parents left him, when I was about 15. That’s OK, I was getting “too old” for him anyway. :dubious: A couple of years later, he was dying of cancer. He called our house and said he didn’t have a ride to his chemo that day, and asked my mom to take him. I don’t know why she didn’t, but she asked me to do it, and I said “The world will be a better place when he’s dead, and the sooner the better. So, no”. She told me I was a “bad Christian” :rolleyes:

Years later, when my mom was terminally ill, I did take care of her. Why? Well, I think some of it had to do with the fact that I hadn’t separated myself from her life like the OP has. If I had, I probably wouldn’t have done it. Then I was relieved when she died. Then I felt guilty about being relieved. I got therapy for four years and felt better.

Ten years later when my dad died, I lived here in Maryland, and he lived in Florida, so it wasn’t really an issue.

I loved my parents. I was sad when they died. But I don’t think I’m a “better person” because I cared for my mom when she was terminal. I think this needs to be a case-by-case, “you do whatever works for you” situation.

15

If face-to-face interaction with your parent would be detrimental to your own mental health, then I’d say don’t do it. But if you can help them out in a hands-off way, like kicking in some money for a nursing home, that would be a kind thing to do.

16

My mother is a nutjob with money for lots of lawyers and a cruel streak a mile wide. She has done the worst thing you can do to your adult child. I will dance on her grave.

17

I guess the lesson you can learn from my experience is this: Don’t waste time feeling guilty after you dance on her grave!!

18

Fuck 'em- you don’t reward bad behavior, you must show them that there are consequences to being evil.

19

A few years back I would have said no. Then my mom half-apologized (“If you really feel those things happened the way you remember them then I’m sorry.”) and I’m not as angry towards her. If my dad ever apologizes I would forgive him and someday take care of him, but until then - he’d better hope he goes before my mom because I won’t take care of him one bit. Same goes for my POS brother whose wife is waiting till the kids are out of the house to kick his immature ass to the curb.

20

My dad wasn’t physically abusive to me (although I consider his treatment of the older kids to be so), but he was judgmental and unkind from about my teenage years on. When I was an adult, he really became a jerk: he has basically disowned me because I got divorced, refers to me as being “saddled with kids” and has told me I’d be lucky if any man would have me. He’s been even worse to my sister in her adulthood. We’re both good, decent people who work hard and provide for our families, so I don’t know what his deal is. My general conclusion is that he doesn’t value women in general, even daughters.
I’ve given this issue a lot of thought, because he’s unwell and I’m within driving distance, so I could go down and help out with his care. But frankly, he’s done nothing decent for any of his kids or grandkids, so I really don’t know what good it would do either of us. He’s not a nice person, he’s not someone I’d want to have a relationship with if we were not already related–why try to force it? I’m sad that I missed out on a good father-daughter thing, but I’m sadder for my siblings, some of whom still seem to care, and who still feel somewhat guilty about their lack of involvement.
So no, I won’t pursue any relationship with him, and I’ve accepted that I probably won’t see him again. Not sure how I’ll handle the funeral when he dies.