I like to think at darwinawards.com, the most common last words are, “Nah, I’m totally sober.”
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Never assume malice; it’s probably just thoughtlessness or at worst incompetence.
Never believe a man who tells you he loves you before you’ve slept with him. He’s either lying to you, or to himself. Corollary: Never believe that you’re in love with someone you haven’t slept with yet. You probably just want to get into their pants.
Compassion before all else.
Always keep the fun in dysfunction (my family motto) 
You can’t run away from your problems, but you can have a helluva lotta fun trying!
Hard before beer, you’re in the clear, beer before hard, you’re in the yard :smack:
Never put off doing something you can avoid altogether;)
Never stop learning.
Always look on the bright side of life. (de do, de do do do de do)
It will be OK, just keep on trucking.
The world is funny if you are paying attention.
There are fates worse than death, but this is not one of them, so suck it up.
Choose your battles and your tasks; prioritize; you would be amazed at how much that they say you MUST do can actually be blown off with little or no consequence, leaving time for the more important things.
My dad’s rules of driving, which apply pretty well to life in general:
First, do no harm. Second, watch out for hairballs.
Do the right thing…even if it makes waves.
Don’t dream it, be it.
Joke 'em if they can’t take a fuck.
Make 'em think.
“Try not to kill anybody.”
What the fuck was that?
Mine is “Always dance like no one’s watching”. Which to me means, “Don’t be afraid to look like a doofus”.
The way I’d like to live my life:
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come”
“Work like you don’t need money,
Love like you’ve never been hurt,
And dance like no one’s watching.”
“While I have to grow older, I can stay immature until I die.”
Oh no, not another learning experience! :eek:
Look for the lollipop in every day.
Based on the idea that when we were kids, going to the dentist or doctor was a terrible experience, but at the end of it you got a lollipop and the bad times were forgotten. It never takes much for a child to find a joyful thing in life. Sometimes we get caught up in all the negative things that happen and forget all the small wonders that really make the world worth living. The Lollipops. I try to find one in each day.
“Get them before they get you.” No, wait, that’s not right…
“Never dance in hiking boots.”
Come on. Two pages and no…
“What’s a motto?”
“Nothing! What’s a motto with you?!”
sorry. My kids really like the Lion King.
I have a number of mottos, but the one that I’ve found to be the most transformational is one that, as far as I can tell, I coined myself:
“A regret is merely a lesson unlearned.” The point isn’t that you’ll never wish you’d done something better, but I have found that situations where I’ve felt regret, once I’ve dissected it and drawn out what lessons I can learn to make myself and my life better, it loses a lot of it’s sting and, in fact, it can even make a situation that I once regretted one that I end up being glad happened because of the valuable lessons.
A few others that I really like, but aren’t my own creation:
“The meaning of life is to get life meaning.” - Ken Hudgins. This is actually one I find perhaps most meaningful to me right now. We get to decide what our purpose in life is and how we fulfill it. It’s easy to feel like a failure when being judged by the arbitrary standards of society, or our parents, or our peers, but setting our own goals and making our lives meaningful in our own perspective is so much more rewarding.
"You wouldn’t care what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do. " - Anonymous. This is similar to the above one, but more pointed at other things like trends, fitting in, or being embarassed. It just seems like it’s more quotable for more everyday situations, where the one above is a more generalized sort of life goal.
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.” - Hanlon’s Razor. Other versions replace stupidity with incompetence, though I personally prefer to generalize it and just use it to mean that malice should never be assumed as the motivation when some other motivation works. Basically, I see so many people look at people on the opposite end of the political spectrum, or their boss/co-workers, or whoever and it’s easy to assume that something they did that you disagree with or hurt you was because they intended that negative outcome rather than that it was an unintended consequence or a failure. It makes the world so much easier to live in when I don’t feel like I’m surrounded by so much negativity. I also find that, when I point it out to others, it makes it easier to get along with them too, because there’s nothing worse than when I say something or do something that could look like it was intended with malice (eg, I can be rather blunt and it’ll hurt someone’s feelings), but was really meant to be helpful.
“Don’t prioritize your schedule, schedule your priorities.” - Stephen Covey. This is probably pretty cliché, but it’s helpful to remember to keep things in perspective and make sure the important things get done. I usually associating it with an anecdote one of my professors once told when I end up saying it to someone because I think it really helps drive home my perspective on it.
Speaking of which, I’m sure I have one or two from that Professor specifically, but I can’t think of any that aren’t a little too specific for for a general life motto. Oh well, I think I hit one all the important ones anyway.
“Could be worse”
I may have to switch to the one used by US Forces in Afganistan, “Be nice to everyone you meet and have a plan to kill them.”