This opens the door for every half-wit wag I meet to ask if I’ll exterminate “the two-legged pests I work with,” or any one of a number of lame variations on the theme.
I, of course, have to smile and act like Ol’ Stan there has just made a bon mot worthy of the Algonquin Round Table, when what I really want to do is cringe and beat Ol’ Stan there senseless with an aerosol can for not being able to come up with anything remotely original.
So I put it to you, Teeming Millions. Here’s your chance to reveal what we should not, under penalty of really hard noogies, say upon meeting you and discovering what you do for a living.
“Oh, you work for a dentist? Well, I have this tooth here (opens mouth and points to tooth) that hurts when (insert symptoms)…do you think I need to see a dentist?”
Now, I don’t mind helping, in fact I LOVE to help people. But…what kind of question is this? Of COURSE I think you need to see a dentist. Now if you are not GOING to see a dentist, I MIGHT be able to give you a few tips on how to avoid bothering the tooth or on how to keep pain free until you GET to the dentist…and I MIGHT be able to give you some insight on what MIGHT be wrong with the tooth, but…OF COURSE I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE A DENTIST!!!
My real-life first name is “Roger.” My real-life last name is “Wilcox.” And although I don’t do it professionally, I do hold an airplane private pilot certificate.
My name is Cheri. If I had a dollar for everytime anyone sang “Sherry” (huge hit by the Four Seasons when I was but a sprout) when introduced to me, I would be FAR richer than I am, THAT’S for sure. Not that I really mind, since I am a Four Season’s fan and all, but still…
Then there is “My Cherie Amour” by Stevie Wonder. And “My Cherie” by Al Martino. And…well, you get the drift. Turns out that for some reason Cheri/Cherie is a popular name for songwriters to use. Don’t know why…must be the french connection.
My given name is Crosby. It’s been long enough now since he passed away that Bing has been supplanted by Stills, Nash and Young. At least nobody’s ever called me Kathie Lee.
My real name is close to a rock-and-roll star. Famous, and an largely incompetent musician (or does that go without saying?). Whenever anybody reacts I say “It’s a pity I wasn’t named John Lennon”. Or Spud Clodhopper. Or anything…
I knew a woman named Delissa Hymen. One of her boyfriends was Somebody Dick. No kidding/lying/etc. Talk about smart women, foolish choices… Talk about romances doomed to failure…
I guess I can’t hear them, which is a bonus. Assuming they are telling some stupid joke, however, which most of the time I don’t know, I
just say ‘I haven’t got my hearing back yet.’
Anyhoo, at least once a year some old man, upon learning my first name, sings that song that has Juanita in it. I’ve no clue what it’s called and I’ve never heard it, but apparently it’s about a gal named Juanita…
This only happened once, but it was a really, really stupid comment. My maiden name was Arnold, and upon learning that, I had one guy ask me “So, are you related to Arnold Schwarzenegger?”
And since I worked as a drive through girl at a Whataburger when I was about 17, I can tell you with confidence that when the voice on the order screen asks “And what would you like to drink with that?” “Do you guys have beer/Jack and coke/other alcoholic beverage.” is NOT an original, funny or witty answer. The person will probably laugh along with you, so that you think you are funny, but if they are working late nights (and especially if the bars just closed) I can guarantee they have heard that at least once or twice already that night.
I, unfortunately, share a name with a romance writer who’s a bit famous, so every time she puts another book out, I have to hear “Hur hur hur, is that your romance novel I saw?”
No. If I was as rich as she must be, I wouldn’t be working a crappy retail job.
Whenever any of my parents’ friends/coworkers/whatever hears that I’m a psychology major, they make some comment along the lines of, “Oh, so, you can figure out what the matter with me” or “We’re all so crazy, we could use someone like you around here.” I always just smile politely in response and pretend that the comment was both funny and original.
My all-time stupid thing I hear from people who just met me is… You don’t look like a pilot
WTF? The worst was the time I landed in a farmer’s backyard - in an airplane - and got out of said airplane - being the only occupant of said airplane - and got that line unloaded on me. But maybe I’ll forgive him due to surprise and stress.
