I was a painter and decorator years ago.
“You’ve missed a bit.” becomes very tiresome.
Oh, Lordy! I’m a cop, so there are a ton of them:
“I didn’t do it” is by far the most common. And every single person thinks that they are incredibly clever and original for saying it. There are other variations (“he did it”, “I did it, take me away”, “don’t shoot”, etc).
I just never seem to get the pretty girls asking me to handcuff them and take them away . . .
I’ve found actually admitting you were, say, speeding is the best way to baffle a cop.
Actual conversation:
“Do you know why I pulled ya over?”
“Prolly cause I was speeding, right?”
(about a minute of silence)
“You’re admitting it?”
“Yup.”
“Shucks, I haven’t heard that in a long time. Just slow down and have a good day.”
Lola, if this Michael is someone you hold as a tyro, a flash-in-the-pan, then I respond with righteous indignation. If, on the other paw, you are a devoted Michael fan, then I apologize for my afront, and admit there’s nothing of Michael’s music I know, and that no doubt he’s a fine fellow. The choice is yours.
Well, there’s:
“Mia? Heeeey! Mama Mia!”
or
“Mia Farrow!”
or
“Mi amor”
or
“You sure don’t look like a Hernandez, are you adopted/is that your maiden name?”
or
“Maria, I just met a girl named Maria.” (or any other various 10,000 songs that have my name in it)
Yep. You’re soooo witty, can I be your friend?
Heh.
My twin brother and I hung out quite a bit during high school. Trust me when I tell you this. Every last one of the following responses has been done at least one hundred gazillion badillion times.
-Hitting one of us and asking if the other one can feel it.
-“Woah! Can you…like…read each other’s minds?”
-“Who was born first?”
-“Who’s smarter?”
-“Have you ever switched places in class?”
-“Have you ever gone out with each other’s girlfriends, just for a change?”
-“Have you ever woken up and forgot which one you were?”
-“Do your parents ever get you mixed up?”
-“Wouldn’t it bee cool if, like, one of you were born at 11:59 PM and the other were born at 12:01 AM? Then you’d be born on differnet days! That would be sweet!”
(or alternately)
-“Wouldn’t it bee cool if, like, one of you were born at 11:59 PM on December 31st and the other were born at 12:01 AM on January 1st? Then you’d be born in different years! That would be totally sweet!”
I’ve heard them all.
Oh, and partly_warmer, have you seen the fine film “Office Space”?
The Doorses’ real last name is Cartwright. Y’all can figure out the jokes from here.
Robin
I deliver beer(along with other beverages).
“Could you just put that in my car/truck/van/motorcycle?”
Ha Ha Ha.
“I wish I had your job”.(As if theres a tapped keg in the cab I can drink from any time I want.)
Soup_du_jour, I found your post interesting. I confess I’m probably no better than the people who’ve taunted you – I’m curious. There were female twins in my neighborhood when I was growing up, and I was mildly disappointed they weren’t more alike. One was “into” sports, and the other not. They seemed to make a point of proving how different they were.
What’s this about “Office Space”? I haven’t seen it.
Given that cloning is coming up right behind global warming and terrorism as global problems, you might forgive, a bit, curiosity about what it’s like to be so alike to another person.
Well, my real name is Richard so I always get the old joke “huh,
huh, hey isn’t Dick short for Richard?” What kills me is these f’ers always say that like its the first time you ever heard it or something.:rolleyes:
Oh yeah, I shave my head too. You can pretty much do the math from there.
I answer phones in the fraud unit of a Visa/Mastercard issuer.
When I ask the caller “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”, I get a lot of people who say “Erase my balance.”
My repsonse is “If I could, would I be answering phones for a living?”
Good thread!
Me [upon meeting a new guy, perhaps at the lodge I belong to]: So, yeah, I’m a high school teacher.
Him: Wow, so how are all those hot teenaged girls?
Me [uncomfortably]: Heh, um, yeah. Ha ha.
Him [putting on what is supposed to be a teenaged girl’s voice]: “Teacher! I need help with my homework! Can you keep me after school?” Hahahaha!
Me [trying to change subject]: So, um, what do you do?
Him: Nothing as great as your job, that’s for sure! So, you guys get 180 days off a year, huh? That’s pretty sweet!
Me: Um, no, I work in the summer too.
And so on. I swear I can see five lines ahead every time this little scene plays itself out.
Oh, in the movie “Office Space,” there’s a guy named Michael Bolton who gets ribbed all the time for it. Hopefully, someone will back me up on this one.
On the question on what’s it like to be a twin, I’ll just open another thread in IMHO because the topic is different.
I am currently a grad student studying for a PhD in Classics. I’m sure most Dopers know what that is, but for those who don’t, basically I know Ancient Greek, Latin, and the associated history and literature. And I’m getting a PhD. Yet people still ask me"So, do you want to teach college?" No, I’m getting a PhD in a couple of dead languages in preparation for my lucrative job on the President’s Advisory Council. Sheesh. What else do these people think I’m doing with this degree?
I know, I know, there are other things to be done with a PhD, but since the vast majority of PhD candidates in almost any humanities field are planning to be professors, it’s a pretty safe assumption to make.
Not lame jokes, but the same thing happens to me all the time when I meet people. First I get asked if I’m related to Paul McCartney. No, because my last name is McCARTHY. Immediately following this comes, “You don’t look Irish.” When I respond that I am married to an Irishman, but I myself am Italian, I always get this, “Are you sure you’re not Chinese/Korean/Vietnamese/Japanese/Filipino/some other Asian ancestry?” Yeah, pretty damn sure. “But you LOOK Chinese/Korean/Vietnamese, etc.”
If I don’t get the “Irish” thing, it’s back to the relatives game: “Are you related to Charlie? Senator Joe?”
“Rapunzal, Rapunzal, let down your hair!” and all its moronic permutations. Yeah, no one else on the planet has ever heard that fairy tale. You’re the first! In fact, your incredible wit and original thought have overwhelmed my girlish modesty. Take me now, he-man! :rolleyes:
Oh excellent topic. I make soap. No I do not make it from the fat taken from liposuction dumpsters, a la Fight Club. Ha ha ha. What a kneeslapper. My sides are aching.
Also, from my days working in a movie theater:
35-year-old dork: “One child! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!!!” Some would even get down on their knees as if that would make it even more hilarious. Could such a thing be possible!!! Seriously…I got this at least twice a day, every day for 10 years. That and “What? xxx dollars for a movie? When I was a kid it was only xxx cents!!!” I finally told some guy “Yeah, but it costs more now because there’s SOUND.”
“Wow, you work for Starbucks? Gee, you must drink a lot of coffee!” What a coincidence, it takes a few long drinks to get through a night of variations on the theme of “Drinks are so expensive here.” The Del Taco’s across the parking lot, you can get cheap-ass coffee there.
Also, “So what about [insert corporate/pr scandal/rumor/urban legend here]?” Look, they may call me a “partner” but that doesn’t mean I’m sitting in on the meetings in Seattle. I just serve the freakin’ drinks.
I overheard something my coworker must go through a lot. Another coworker was looking at the schedule to see if he could cover a shift for her, and she noticed his last name.
“Your name is Salazar?” she asked, pronouncing it the Spanish way.
“Um, Salazar, yeah,” he said, pronouncing it with his normal American accent.
“You’re Hispanic? Where from?”
“Actually, I’m Filipino. From Chicago.”
Wow, did you ever splice pornography into kids movies? 
d&r
Your name is Rapunzal?