What lifelong fear has affected you the most?

In My Humble Opinion
1

For me it is being perceived as “stupid”.

Growing up, my dad, a know-it-all-English-teacher, had an absolute abhorrence of anything or anyone whom he considered “stupid”. My whole life if I did something that didn’t work, or was silly, or poorly thought out, I heard “How could you be so BLOODY STOOOOOPID?!?!?!”. (How anyone could call a 5 year old stupid is beyond me, but that’s not really my point).

I grew up afraid to try anything new, for fear of looking stupid. I was pushed to skip a grade (grade 1), so went from kindergarten to grade 2, which for a shy, gawky little girl, was a huge error in judgment on my parents’ and teachers’ part.

All my life I’ve been afraid to ask questions; afraid to admit I don’t understand something; afraid to go somewhere unfamiliar; afraid to look dumb in any way. I didn’t finish college because the courses got too hard and I didn’t want to get bad grades. I’ve never travelled because it would be something new and scary with a lot of guaranteed potential to look “stupid”. I haven’t tried for challenging jobs because of a huge fear of failure.

Also, to compensate, I would try my damndest to appear “smart”, superior and I was and maybe still am, a fairly annoying know-it-all - one of those transparent know-it-alls who really doesn’t know much.

Now, at 36, I am still trying to overcome this huge obstacle, this underlying and overwhelming fear of looking dumb. I’m not whining or complaining, I’m just now recognizing how this fear has affected me, and how different my life might have been if I had been taught that it’s okay to not know EVERYTHING.

What fear(s) do YOU have that have really affected your life?

2

I guess just a general fear of people. Not in any extreme way, I don’t run away from them or anything, ;), but I am very shy around people I don’t know very well and as such have a very hard time making friends on my own. Most of my friends are a result of the other person being outgoing enough to start up the friendship, or friends I met through other friends. Very rarely have I made a friend by initiating the conversation. Even worse is the extension into my love life. Women are scary creatures.

3

I have this weird fear that I’ll eventually be discovered as a fraud. People think I’m great and I’m smart and everything, but I’m just waiting for them to see the horrible truth! But I’m working on it.

The other one is spiders. Absolute, paralyzing fear of spiders. I’ve tried to get better with it, really, but I still can’t get close enough to a spider to kill it without crying and shaking. I don’t know what the hell I’ll do when I live alone. I better pick a spider-free building, or I’ll spend most of my time in a fit.

4

Having survived the Horror Show that is middle school, where girls can be right bitches, I have a fear that people laugh at me behind my back, that no one will want to sit with me, that I will go to a party and no one will talk with me.

I’ve come to realize that’s ego and silliness on my part, that just because my boss shuts her door it doesn’t mean she’s discussing what a mess I am (mainly because I’m not) but it’s taken me a long time to mature past that. I’m learning other people can be just as shy, but I don’t do well with other shy people. I don’t like going out as a twosome, I’d rather go as a group, so I don’t feel like I have to hold up the conversation.

5

I have an abject fear of loss of control; I was the eldest child of three growing up, and my stepfather and mother decided fairly early on that really, child-rearing was SUCH an infringement on their drinking and socializing time that perhaps it would be best if I sorta raised my younger siblings whilst they pursued their “hobbies”. Thus, I managed the raising of two kid siblings from about age 8 on, and once I got a drivers license at age 16, completely managed a lot of the household events (groceries, errands, shopping, etc.) as well. I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t “in charge” of my life as well as the lives of at least a couple of others. I am a single mom now, and in charge there as well, as I have been for nearly all of my children’s lives. I’m an office manager by profession, too. I don’t know how I’d get by if anyone ever wished to even share the burden of “managing” with me…I just cannot let go, or I am sure the whole world will fall apart.

Yeah. Gotta work on this. I don’t really want to die “in charge”, ya know? Plus I have a new really wonderful, loving boyfriend now so it would be good to show that I can "share’. A little. OK. I’m better now.

–Beck

6

You may have read in other threads where I didn’t have such a wonderful ride to where I am now. In the past, most people have let me down, some spectacularly, and I’ve had a truly scarifying list of things stolen from me. As a result, I have a hard time trusting people, because they might be the next one to, I don’t know, steal all my records again, or my guitars, you know, things I have had to wait years and years to make enough money to replace from the previous theft. The number of people I will allow in my home is very small. These are the people I know and trust - my wife’s family and friends, and a few of my friends.

I’m not paranoid about it, nor always looking over my shoulder. I don’t live in the kind of place where I am likely to meet people who would do me harm, and it’s unlikely to happen. But I have met some folks in my time in the US who are just scary in their degree of sociopathy. I’ve worked alongside some of them, and thought they were on the level, when all along they were actively trying to derail my career behind my back. They haven’t succeeded, and they got fired due to their own stupidity. But they are a different caliber of miscreant than I am used to. I’m more used to blatant assholes. These ones are devious and display real malice of forethought. So yeah, I have trust issues. Oh well, I live with it.

7

The usual fears and worries that I think go along with parenting. Am I doing the right things, are they doing the right things, etc. Those fears and worries have shaped my life the most, and I don’t see them going away anytime soon.

8

Wow, I could have written this myself. Thanks, ** Stainz *, for unknowingly helping me feel I’m not the only one. If it’s any help , one thing that I’ve realized is that for the most part, nobody is really paying that much attention to what you’re doing, or saying, or how you look. Not that you * in particular aren’t important or noteworthy, but people are pretty absorbed in their own gigs, possibly even feeling selfconscious and inadequate themselves. Also, once I got out of school, I found that most people love to be asked for help, advise, knowledge, etc… Heck, look at all the unsolicited advise I’m foisting on you!
'kay, I’ll shut up now. Just wanted to say I feel your pain and remind you that you’re better than you think you are.

Oh, and my paralyzing fear is of palmetto bugs.

9

I’m afraid of heights. Terribly, terribly afraid of heights. Which means going to Six Flags or the fair is pretty much a waste of money for me, because I won’t ride anything. Flying is so traumatic that copious amounts of alcohol are necessary to get me onto the plane, and then I try to hold the damn thing up with my stomach muscles the entire trip. When we were driving from Kona to Volcanoes National Park on the Big Island, my husband made me get in the back seat because I kept gasping in fear at the nearness of the road to the cliff edge, instead of enjoying the view.

I’m also afraid of the dentist to the point that I let my teeth get in pretty bad shape because I was so afraid to go. I now have a dentist who prescribes Valium for the night preceeding and the morning of the appointment.

10

Well I have fear of asking for help too. It’s not so much looking stupid as admitting that I need help because I guess deep down I’m scared that if anyone knows I’m vulnerable at all, even in that small way, they will take the opportunity to murder me. I guess that’s something a lot of people have to work at. But I have had good role models. I have mostly always been attracted to the type of guy who runs around this world just never knowing what he’s doing, utterly confident that someone will tell him all he needs to know when he gets there. So I finallly figured out how they do it and I am a lot better now.

It has affected my life a lot, but not in a terrible way. It made me feel miserable a lot and it prevented me from doing a lot of things, like finish university. But on the other hand, I’m glad I had that fear because since I got over it I always feel a lot more free and I think I value my freedom and independence more than I would if I had been born a carefree girl. I never felt safe so now I appreciate being safe and secure. So ultimately it’s had a good effect on my life.

11

I had a “duh” moment last year when I realized that my generalized shyness could be boiled down to a fear of humiliation and rejection. The “revelation” (in quotes because I don’t know how I could have missed this for so long) came when I was a passenger in a car that was pulling up to a corner where a homeless person was asking for change. I wanted to smile at him so that he would at least feel acknowledged by me, by another human being, even though I had no money to give him…and I looked away at the last moment because I was afraid he would scowl at me or something. And it hit me like a lightening bolt that I’ve got some serious fear of rejection if I’m afraid of a homeless guy rejecting me.

It keeps me from meeting new people, speaking up in opposition at meetings, letting people know when they’ve offended or angered me…it’s a real cannonball chained to my ankle.

12

I also have a great fear of people thinking I’m not smart. And I’m damn smart. And my parents always told me I was smart. But I have this great fear of not being smart enough. I would never, ever raise my hand in class unless I knew the answer, KNEW it was right. And that was true most of the time. But those few times when I didn’t know the answer, and the teacher called on me because I was the “smart girl” and must know, and I didn’t, where traumatizing. I agonize over getting a question wrong for days afterwards - and this started in grade 4 or so.

Not being pretty enough - it’s more than just “Ugh, I am like, sooooo not pretty! Someone tell me I’m pretty!”. I am a pretty girl. Occasionally I recognize this. Most of the time I carry makeup around with me everywhere, just in case, and refuse to be photographed, and so on. I worry I’ll lose my job if I don’t look good, or gain weight, or dye my hair the wrong colour, and man do I stress out about it.

I also worry a lot that people talk about me behind my back. And they do - my workplace is filled with pretty, insecure young women; it’s what we do. I believe that the pettiness and backstabbing has a huge effect on our place in the world. So I don’t say anything behind anyone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face. I don’t tell someone they look nice and then diss everything about them when they walk away. But I worry intently that people do this about me.

One of my quotes to live by has become: “You wouldn’t worry so much about what people think of you, if you only knew how infrequently they do”.

13

Due to a mental illness I started suffering from at age 17 I have alot of trouble feeling like I can rely on things/people or that I can deal with bad issues, so I tend to panic and overreact when I think something bad is going to happen as I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope with it. I’m working on it though, its not as bad as it used to be and it’ll get better.

14

I’m deathly afraid of being left by loved ones. This stems from about 20 years of friends leaving me for other friends, or straight out betraying me because I wasn’t a convenient friend anymore. So I’ve isolated myself a lot the past few years and kept people who I should trust at arm’s length. I’m too afraid of getting hurt again, so I don’t let myself be vulnerable with anyone except my SO. I also think I don’t let myself be vulnerable with anyone because I grew up with my father yelling at me whenever I cried. Crying was a “weakness” and was not tolerated. Hell, I remember being 6 years old and my father backing me into a corner screaming at me because I was crying. I guess I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone…but that’s another story.

15

Fear of making my parents mad. He’s been dead for 6 years; she’s let go some (has pretty much given up on getting me to marry, for example) but is still trying to manipulate me into having a career that she finds acceptable. That is, a career with a high salary, the joy of enjoying your job be damned.

Me, I simply don’t equal “more money” with “living better”… but this is going to huuuuuurt…

16

Clowns.

It’s been positiveat times . It is the only thing that kept me from running away and joining the circus when I was a kid.

17

I have panic issues too and tend to be an absolute thinker. The whole, if I let myself start crying I’ll never stop, or if I relax and goof around I’ll go too far. Or when I do panic, I can’t believe I will ever feel better.

Meds are helping a lot.

Phobias? Revolving doors, the inside of toilet tanks, the feeling of flour or powdery stuff on my hands.

18

I have always struggled with math, to the point that if I have to focus on a simple equation I get sweaty palms and can’t think it through. If I just casually come across the numbers I can usually solve it without thinking.

This may not seem like a big deal, but I wanted to be a doctor. Everyone I knew thought I would make an excellent doctor, but I was so terrified of my stuggles with numbers I wouldn’t dare try.

19

Heights and falling. They have kept me from doing a lot of things - no observation decks or anything like the Sear’s Tower, flying is very, very rough on me, I don’t do any sports (I can’t do ANY sport. I watch sports.), etc., etc. Much like Snakescatlady said.

20

Easy: I’m pee-shy. Not as bad as some people (as long as I have a stall I’m fine), but it really gets in the way. I’m also almost never able to go on a plane. It comes from a combination of being jostled around and being bothered by the idea that people are standing in line outside the door.