I define it as someone (a woman, I suppose– I’ve never heard it used in reference to a straight man) who does not understand reciprocity– who demands attention and affection but has trouble giving back.
But I’ve heard people use ‘high maintenance’ just a tad too much, with them getting to set the bar for what is normal with no middle ground. So she spends a long time getting dressed or applying make-up (well, that you know of. If only guys knew how long many ‘low-maintenance’ women spend finding the perfect nude lipstick or flawless foundation…), or opts for expensive clothes and meals. I only see this as a problem if she expects someone else to foot the bill. Otherwise I’d just say she has expensive tastes.
Ah, but the high maintenance girl buys the $400 shoes (with your credit card), wears them exactly twice (once being in the store while trying them on) and refuses to ever wear them again, let alone for over two years. Shoes that cost $40 don’t even qualify as shoes in her world…in fact, they are invisible to her. She wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the same shoes, even occasionally, two years from now.
She is also late to her boyfriend’s graduation party by three hours because she is doing her hair and makeup, and then expects him to leave the party and come pick her up. Since the party is a picnic, everyone is wearing jeans or shorts…she shows up in high heeled sandals and a sundress that is so low-cut Aunt Lydia offers her a sweater. She demands that her boyfriend take her on a cruise for Spring Break, even though he really can’t afford to take time off his job. And when he proposes, she has already picked out the ring she wants and demands that he spend three times what he had planned on it.
Although I disagree with a lot of your other generalizations, I had to question these in particular.
Unless said person is having someone else pay for these things, why is this a bad thing? Often people do these things to reward themselves.
My money is mine to spend, and I enjoy the spa and I know I’m worth it. I like being around people who know they are worthy people. Since when did loving yourself become a bad thing?
You mention being judgmental as another thing that makes one high maintenance. Personally, I think someone who questions how another person spends their money would fall under that judgment thing, obviously your mileage varies.
Good god, THIS! My high school girlfriend and I worked at the same job and almost always had the same shifts. So after spending 4-5 hours with her talking about everything under the sun I’d go home and 15 minutes the phone would ring.
“Why don’t you ever call me when you get home from work?” followed by “Why don’t you have anything to say?”
Of course, then she started lying about attempting suicide for the attention. So low maintenance she definitely was not.
Egads, woman! I actually agree with you on something regarding relationships. Surely the first Horseman of the Apocalypse is loading his gun.
There’s nothing wrong with having standards and taste. Collaborator mentioned women that would rather eat at fine dining restaurants than McDonalds. Yeah, well, so would I. That doesn’t make me high maintenance, it makes me a foodie. I want to eat well, and I’m more than willing to pay for it.
I’ve dated more than my share of high maintenance women, and more often than not they had lowbrow tastes. The problem with them was that I had to constantly shovel emotional resources down a bottomless pit of low self-esteem.
To me, a high maintenance person is one with whom maintaining a realtionship requires and undue amount of work on the partner’s part.
If you had a high maintenance vehicle, you’d be taking it to the shop all the time. It would be inconvenient. It would be expensive. Maybe it would be hard to find proper parts for repairs and require the most expensive grade of gas.
A high maintenance woman is the same way. To keep her running (happy), you’ve got to lay out a lot of time and cash. And you never know when she’s going to break down and require another expensive repair. She’s volatile and unpredictable, and when things aren’t working right it is *your *job to fix them.
To me, high maintenance is manipulative, whiny and passive-aggressive. I agree that there are several types of high maintenance (such as physical); however, I think the most dangerous to a relationship is being emotionally high maintenance because it affects other people to a larger degree. An adult woman (or man) can be physically high maintenance - need a lot of time to get ready and must look just so - however, as an adult, it’s up to them to allot the appropriate amount of time to get ready. But, it seems that emotionally high maintenance people either can’t or won’t help themselves, thus inflicting their needs and/or wants on everyone else around them.
Strangely, although high maintenance is something I usually think of in association with women, I’ve met as many high maintenance straight men as I have women, so I’d disagree that it’s primarily a female thing. Then again, that’s anecdotal.
Thanks for all the perspectives so far. Just to be clear, the thread seems to have drifted into discussing “high-maintenance women” exclusively. I know that’s a cliche phrase, but I didn’t want this to turn into a bashfest against half the population; I think that despite the uncommon application of the term to men (as noted by Cat Fight), they do exist, with perhaps different emphases, and I was hoping to expand the discussion that direction. (ETA: overlyverbose sneaked in while I was writing this; I didn’t mean to reply directly or repeat snarkily.)
I agree with tdn that this is a nifty little definition:
But I wonder if it shouldn’t be enlarged a bit, to include something like “…and repeatedly and insistently takes action to draw that happiness out of others.” This distinguishes the emotional vampire from the depressed person who doesn’t know how to make him or herself happy but who doesn’t do anything about it and sits and stews in isolation rather than becoming engaged. Yes, the “leave me alone (hey, where are you going?)” thing is another form of high maintenance, but it should be separated from “leave me alone (no really, leave me alone),” in my opinion.
Hmm - I would re-frame it, Cervaise, especially in light of your situation - you *like *your girlfriend and aren’t looking for a way to vent about her.
Yes, High Maintenance can be a purely BAD thing. I think **An Arky **nailed it when he said “I think you basically nailed it with “being demanding, but in a manipulative way”; I’d say it usually comes with a heaping side of self-absorption/narcissism.”
But High Maintenance can be a very good thing. **Sleeps with Butterflies **and **Cat Fight **touch on it - there can be a “Good Diva” aspect to high maintenance - the person is very demanding and wants things their way, but you get a lot out of the situation when you invest the energy. Kinda like an orchid vs. a weed - the weed is low/no maintenance while (from what I have heard) orchids require TONS of maintenance - but for the folks who love them, the payoff is enormous.
I have met a few Persian women similar backgrounds to your GF - VERY proud, VERY style conscious (often with excellent taste, if they don’t overdo the animal prints, marble and gold hardware ;)), VERY much expecting to be treated like a lady. But fiercely intelligent, well-read, cosmopolitan, a joyous conversationalist, loyal to friend and family and a tiger physically.
If you can keep up, why the heck wouldn’t you???
And if she reads this thread, let us know her thoughts!
For what it’s worth, I imagine that there’s a strong correlation between being physically high maintenance and emotionally high maintenance. Needing to take a lot of time to get ready because you have really thick hair that takes forever to dry is one thing; however, unless you’re a professional athelete, model or actor (some profession where it’d be your job to be ripped), spending three hours in the gym every night and airbrushing your muscles is another.
Here’s a not very serious answer, and it’s only about women. Anybody seen something like this about men, or does the stereotyoe run strongly in only one direction?
Which is the reason why SiL calls her Mom to say “hey, we’ve arrived” “OK, honey, thanks, bye” “bye” and my brother doesn’t call our Mom… Mom turns “hey we’re arrived” into a minimum of half an hour on the phone
High maintenance is someone who turns being with them into a chore.
I am so not a foodie, and I’d rather eat almost anywhere than McDonald’s. That’s not high maintenance, that’s common sense!
I am very high maintenance FOR me. I require a lot of myself and pamper myself any chance I get. I expect a lot from myself. In a relationship I’m so low maintenance that I suspect some of my partners have wondered if we really were together.
I need ME time and don’t want to constantly have to touch base with my boyfriend or be required to talk to him a certain amount of time a day. I’ll never utter the words “Do you love me/Tell me that you love me” or “We don’t spend enough time together.” I’ve been told I’m very guy-like in that sense.
This is why no-strings-attached relationships are where it’s at!
That’s a good thing. I sometimes suspect that people who ask that a lot are not so much concerned that their partner loves them as much as that someone loves them. It can make you feel like you are merely fulfilling a function in a one-sided relationship.
To me, “high maintenance” suggests that the person spends much of her (or his) emotional energy, money, time, creativity, and passion making herself happy, but it’s not enough; to be fulfilled, she (or he) needs to import the aforesaid from you. In my own experience:
[ul][li]Her financial responsibility is to spend money on herself (clothes, makeup, jewelry) and your financial responsibility is also to spend money on her (dinner, romantic getaways, cards, gifts, flowers, etc).[/li][li]She wants to turn you into the perfect man and change the way you do everything; you have to accept her exactly the way she is because she isn’t emotionally secure enough to handle criticism of any kind.[/li][li]Your emotional role is defined to be supported, loving, accepting, strong, sensitive, and to fill whatever vacancy there is in her emotional life; her emotional role is to allow you to bask in her happiness when you’ve done your job, and to cry when you haven’t.[/ul][/li]In short, I’d say (about women only, no experience dating men) that “high maintenance” means she has a mental picture of what a perfect relationship is, defined by what she gets out of it, rather than what she gives back.
I get your point, but not necessarily your conclusion. I hear you about never being in a position to say those words - they put someone in a position of weakness, etc. BUT - I can see where communication issues can arise - the real key is are the two of you on the same wavelength, so the other person knows that, when it comes to relationship-type stuff, they are “the apple of your eye”?
I suspect I am not being clear - to me, there is a difference between “no-strings-attached relationships,” where the key message is “don’t look for lovey-dovey commitment talk - it ain’t comin’” and a well-tuned relationship, where the underlying message is “this is the way I behave when I am part of a stable, committed relationship - please hear that message and don’t push for me for more.”
I think it’s OK to want to hear “I love you” every now and then. We all like that. It’s when we get 100% of our validation from it that it becomes a problem. Nava got it right with the word “chore.”
