What makes a spouse/partner "high maintenance"?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My girlfriend asked me to define this term, and I floundered a bit.

Background: She’s from Iran (born there, emigrated with her family in 1979 along with many, many others). We’ve talked about her background a lot, including the split-personality Iran/Persia thing. When the question came up here, I mentioned to her that it was being discussed, and she was curious to see the thread.

She noticed one small tangent in a few posts: that Persian women have a reputation for being hot, but high maintenance. She said she was pretty sure she knew what that meant, and would agree that it applies to a lot of Persian women*, but she wanted me to clarify, and define the term more precisely.

I struggled a bit, and was unable to come up with a dictionary-type definition for what “high maintenance” means in this context. The best I could do was to offer examples; for instance, if Partner A goes out of his or her way to acquire a gift for Partner B, and Partner B turns up his or her nose at it, and suggests that something else would have been a better gift, that can qualify. If A then goes out and obtains the requested whatever-it-is, and B says “I’ve changed my mind, no thanks, now I want X instead,” that definitely qualifies.

Basically, that example is about being controlling, and about making the other person jump through hoops to demonstrate affection and commitment, which is a good way of capturing one aspect of high-maintenance-ness. And yet, it’s not just that, I think; there’s more to it, and that definition doesn’t capture the scope of the behavior. It’s not about being biologically high maintenance, either, which is a totally different thing. (Though that thread is worth reading for beanpod’s hilarious story.) It’s about being demanding, but in a manipulative way, not a straightforward-I-know-what-I-want way. See, I’m having trouble pinning it down.

So I turn to the assembled wisdom of the Dope (along with the screwballs and dipsticks). What does “high maintenance,” in a romantic partner, mean to you? Is there a meaningful difference between a high maintenance man and a high maintenance woman?

And can you give your answer in the form of an amusing anecdote? :wink:
*Not her, thank the Maker. As I tried to explain how I saw it, she said, “Why would anybody act like that? It sounds exhausting.” I am a lucky man.

2

It, to me, hinges around the levels of dependence versus independence. Emotional dependency creates high maintenance relationships. Physical dependency creates high maintenance relationships. The dependent partner draws more resources from the other partner than they give in return. Be it emotional stability, financial stability, some specific drive which they can’t meet themselves, or other needs, the high maintenance person is less capable of fending for themselves and their needs become obligations upon a caring partner. There are relationships where this never creates any problems, and there are some where it destroys them. It’s more up to the individuals involved than anything else.

Enjoy,
Steven

3

High maintenance can mean a lot of things but from experience and to me would mean “uninterested in simple things.”

It takes all shapes and forms. Here are some examples of a high maintenance woman (things i’ve experienced firsthand):

-Wouldn’t be caught dead at a McDonalds, and would rather only dine at fine restaurants.
-Won’t drink soda, but gets her jollies from bottles of wine and way overpriced imported bottled water.
-That a purse or sunglasses from wal-mart is not acceptable, it has to be Prada. -That wearing an outfit that cost less than $100 would be total outright blasphemy.
-If the car didn’t cost at least $40k and isn’t european and/or an SUV, she wouldn’t be caught dead driving it.
-Thinks organic food is somehow superior to the normal stuff, to the extent that she will not eat anything that isn’t organic.

It goes beyond simple material possessions though, it’s also a behavioral thing.

-Only hangs around and socializes with people as well-off as she is.
-Thinks visits to a day spa are a god given right.
-Has her hair/nails/skin/whatever done on a weekly basis.
-Starts believing that she’s worth it.
-Can often be found in nightclubs and upscale bars.
-Considers and/or partakes in plastic surgery.
-Thinks watching tv/movies, playing video games, listening to music, reading books, etc is a waste of time.
-Often bitchy, judgmental, vindictive, and the list goes on.
-The total definition of trophy wife/golddigger.
-Only takes, rarely (if ever) gives. If she does, it’s extremely disproportionate.
-Has never had to work for anything in her life, has no idea what it means to struggle, has a very sheltered existence. Not at all resourceful, limited life experience, very talented at manipulating others, shallow.
-Spends EXTREME amounts of time worrying about and maintaining her looks, because without them she has nothing.

Around where I live (Phoenix), most of the women in North Scottsdale and Paradise Valley fall into this category. I’m joking, but not really.

I think the most surefire way to tell if you have a high maintenance significant other would be: If you had only enough money to pay for bills (bills being house, utilities, car, and kids) and food, would the relationship suffer considerably as a result? If the answer is yes, then you’ve got one.

Blah, this is longer than I wanted it to be. But it should give some examples of what to look for. This wasn’t all one woman either heh.

4

Watch “When Harry Met Sally” with her.

*Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You’re the worst kind; you’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.
Sally Albright: I don’t see that.
Harry Burns: You don’t see that? Waiter, I’ll begin with a house salad, but I don’t want the regular dressing. I’ll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side. “On the side” is a very big thing for you.
Sally Albright: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry Burns: I know; high maintenance. *

5

I think you can take it literally, you spend a lot of time doing stuff you wouldn’t otherwise to just to maintain the relationship. You go to parties and events you wouldn’t otherwise go to because your partner would not consider going alone. You call because your partner expects a phone call, not because you actually feel like checking in to say goodnight. If you are happily doing all those things then you might not use the term high-maintenance yourself, but people on the outside might see it that way.

I’m actually not sure if I would use your gift example, turning up your nose at a gift is just plain mean, and I don’t think high-maintenance necessarily mean mean and heartless. Another example might be someone who drops hints about wanting a certain present for Valentine’s Day, versus someone who says “Oh, lets not make a big deal of it, I’d rather just stay in and watch a movie”.

6

There are 4 kinds of high maintenance.

  1. physical - they spend too much time putting on makeup and primping to make themselves look all made up.
  2. monetary - they expect you to pay for everything and they will eat through your savings.
  3. emotional - they need your attention all the time
  4. a combination of physical, monetary and emotional - and they usualy deny that they are!!! These are the worst!!!
7

I dated a high maintenance girl for a while. She would call me four or five times a day at work, and would want to talk for 20-30 minutes at a time. Then later she would ask, “How come you never call me when you’re at work?”

8

To me, a high maintenance people are those who need to have things done a specific way, but are (for whatever reason) unable to tell you what that way is. There’s an element of mind reading needed, as in “if you really knew me/if you were really good at your job” you’d *just know *what to do. Everything is an all-or-nothing test with high maintenance people.
In a romantic relationship, a high maintenance partner has a lot of assumptions about how things should be, and how I should act, and the stages the relationship should progress through.
I’ve dated both men and women, and women IME, YMMV are more high maintenance about things (I must buy the right brand of toilet paper, and bring gifts on mysterious but very specific occasions [lunaversary WTH is that?]) and men are more high maintenance about time (I must be available when he wants to socialize, dinner’s on his schedule).

9

I think you basically nailed it with “being demanding, but in a manipulative way”; I’d say it usually comes with a heaping side of self-absorption/narcissism.

10

Anyone who has high standards and expectations in a relationship is “high maintenance”.

They are not always one-sided and self-absorbed, IMHO. I work with someone who puts a lot of time and effort in planning fabulous birthday celebrations for her friends and lovers. And she wants it reciprocated when it’s her turn. I don’t think she’s a bad person, but that kind of expectation level is unsustainable for most people.

11

I’d say high expectations alone. If someone has high standards for themselves, however they define them, but has no problem co-existing with people of different standards, that’s not nearly as much of an issue. The problem is more the effects on other people than the standards in and of themselves.

12

I would have to say that it comes with an enormous sense of entitlement. With a large helping of superiority complex.

13

Mmm, not necessarily, which is why I found it hard to narrow down the ambiguities. It’s possible that high-maintenance manipulation can be rooted in inferiority, in low self-esteem, aka, “I won’t believe I am loved, unless I can make my partner jump through these hoops.” The individual might not actually admit this so clearly, even in his or her own head, to him or herself, but it can certainly come from that.

14

My now ex-wife is extremely high maintenance. One of her typical stunts was to walk out of the house, get in her BMW, and call me on her cell phone nearly as soon as she pulled out of the driveway and I mean that literally. It happened about 95% of the time. I was always furious and usually just told her to stop playing with the phone but she never understood the issue.

She also has the distinction of never having issued a genuine apology in her life. The closest she has ever come was “I am sorry that you got mad at me” even if it is something blatant like being an hour late for something very important. She was raised a spoiled little rich girl and has only worked for her family since college. Our house and our daughters were picture perfect almost all of the time and were even part of a Boston Globe photo shoot recently but that was never good enough for her. If she saw a single crumb on the floor, the entire house had to be vacummed again despite the fact that already had been 4 times that week.

That is high maintenance and I could not get away from it fast enough.

15

But the strangest thing about that conversation was what instigated it “ooo, Ingrid Bergman, now she’s low maintenance!” WAS Ingrid Bergman low maintenance? I mean how low maintenance could a movie star possibly be? Harry was just baiting Sally who might’ve been a high maintenance diner, but didn’t seem very high maintenance overall.

16

There are also people who believe that if they’re unhappy, you’re doing something wrong. It’s not even that you should have done what they expected, you’re supposed to know and do the things that would make them happy. They don’t even have a mental list of their own.

It’s easy to go from there to using dissatisfaction as a standard operating procedure, making the people around them dance in the hope of making them momentarily happy.

17

I was thinking more about the standards defining a relationship. As in, “A real friend takes off from work to eat ice cream with me when I’m feeling blue” or “A loving boyfriend would remember to buy me a gift for our second month anniversary.”

High maintenance people live for the perfect relationship rather than simply accepting relationships for what they are.

18

Well, I call those ‘expectations’. :slight_smile: High standards means to me, say, buying $400 shoes that last indefinitely and can be repaired, as opposed to $40 shoes that fall apart in two years and can’t be fixed.

19

Marilu Henner’s character in “LA Story.” Textbook high maintenance woman in every conceivable way.

20

That’s it: High maintenance people think that their happiness can come from the actions of others, rather than from themselves.

It’s a perverse inversion of Only You can Make You Happy.