The only thing that would convince me to co-habitate with someone else is marriage. Other stuff mentioned doesn’t really apply to me. I can easily afford to live by myself and I don’t really have an American view of marriage (my parents are sort of arranging mine) in terms of the whole intermediate step theory/test run/housework will break up a relationship. I also don’t like the idea of sharing finances, opening joint accounts, owning or renting property with anyone until I’m married. Plus, it would give my parents a heart attack, open me to critique from our community etc. etc… The costs are too high and I don’t really think the payoff is good enough.
Convenience?
We spend all our time together anyway, and she doesn’t get on my tits with prolonged exposure the way everyone else on the planet does.
Also, it makes economic sense. In Vancouver a single person has to pay through the nose for anything that isn’t intolerable. Add to that the sharing of expenses the division of labour – we both work, and yet the laundry is always done, the cupboards are always full, meals are always prepared, the house is always clean, etc. There’s no way one person could do it all and have enough leisure to avoid going batshit crazy. 
Actually in the vast majority of cases, there is a tax benefit not to be married.
Automatic inheritance is a good one and another is power or attorney when one spouse is incapacitated.
Wow…see I was under the impression that a good chunk of people moved in with their SO’s sort of…on a whim? Not in preparation for marriage, not with the idea that it would lead to years of cohabitation with the possibility of marriage…
More like “we like eachother, we wouldn’t need to drive to have sex, and rent would be cheaper.” You know, people who date for a few months and then end up living together.
Come to think of it I can’t think of anyone in my own life that I know that had done it that way, but it seems like I hear of a lot of friends-of-friends who have done it or read stories here on the boards about living with the new SO or living with your roommate and his/her SO.
So far, though, it seems like either people who have responded wouldn’t do it, would do it/have done it in preparation for marriage or have had a (very) long term relationship where cohabitation made sense.
Maybe it’s my age - is the “quick” version of moving in with your SO maybe something people do in their early 20’s?
I did that when I was younger, early 20’s as you say. It was a huge mistake that I would never repeat. That’s why my SO and I decided to wait, we didn’t want to rush into something like that and end up regretting it.
My fiance and I did the long distance thing for 3 years. Afterwards it just made sense to move in together. Especially as it was between the ages of 18 to 21. People change, especially when they’re so young. Moving in together gave us a chance to make sure ‘we’ still work.
We have a joint account, but don’t really use it except when transfering money to each other. We have our own accounts and use them instead. It works for us. We’re pretty relaxed about it, if I did the shopping last week but he’s out of cash I’ll do it again. We don’t keep score over the little stuff.
That’s exactly how it was in my case. It worked out fine for us. Seventeen years later, we’re still living together. We made it legal about 9 years ago. The original decision to cohabitate was made pretty casually and was a matter of economic convenience as much as anything else. She was living on student loans at the time and didn’t have a job. She also lost her roommate at the same time that I lost mine, so rather than both of us looking for new roomies, we moved in together. Luckily, she was The One, so we never had to regret it.
I should have been clear. Social security tax that a spouse benefits from upon the other’s death is what I was referring to. I don’t think it’s a huge difference unless one spouse makes significantly more than the other. My MIL gets FIL’s SS amount instead of the paltry amount she would have generated on her own.
I’m not getting a “whim” vibe from anyone. I just don’t think marriage is necessary in order to have a committed relationship.
I think that’s completely understandable, and that you’re well-prepared with what it means to wait until after marriage to move in together. A lot of people I’ve seen on the internet and in person (mostly Americans) haven’t gotten to the point where they fully understand the difference between doing a “test run” by living together and accepting how the match that has been made is working out. Either way, moving in with an SO is not taken lightly by most of the people I know.
Only if you’re immature. It’s not about whether you fight, although how you fight and what you do to get over it is important, but whether you can live together well. Some people just cannot. Some people have a lot invested in the way they live and can’t bend to accommodate a partner and, until you’ve lived together, you don’t realize that.
I also know of two couples that only ‘dated’ (including taking trips together) for a long time. It was not until they moved in that it became evident that one had a problem with alcohol.
People with serious flaws can do an extremely good job of hiding them even in a long-term ‘dating’ relationship. The only way, IMHO, to know the person you want to spend your life with is ok to make that choice for is to do the ‘test-drive’ for a year or two first.
I, like some others, only consider moving in with someone as a step to marriage. And am glad to have learned what I did by not marrying.
I’m not getting a “whim” vibe either - that’s why I was surprised at the answers so far. I assumed a lot of folks moved in with whomever they were boinking at the moment and within a year, someone moved out.
Turns out that most of the respondents here are not just moving in together for anything short term. It either turns into marriage or a long-term committed cohabitation, which are both different from what I had perceived was usually the case.
My SO will be moving 2400 miles this summer to come live with me. We are taking a big risk in this, given that we’ve only spent the equivalent of 2 weeks in each other’s presence (though we’ve been together for two and a half years). We’re both 29, and this is the first serious relationship for both of us.
We decided to do this because we want to be together and it feels right. Although it would be the more cautious way to go, it would be odd for him to move here but live on his own and for me to still live with my current roommate, as I imagine I’d be at his place all the time anyway. Financially it also makes more sense to live together.
This was inevitable… for me, at least. I couldn’t marry someone without living with them first.
We realize cohabiting forces us to tackle any issues we may face head-on, since the arrangement doesn’t allow for much breathing space. But 1) we want this, and 2) we are pretty confident we can handle whatever comes up. We’ve always been very compatible, and we’ve already had discussions about the practical details-- division of housework, finances, etc. We know it won’t be roses and sunshine all the time, but we think we’ll do fine.
The plan is we’ll live together for a year before we evaluate whether we’ll get married, although we’re both already fairly sure it’ll happen.
I sort of unofficially lived with my college boyfriend (I had another place, but stayed at his place nearly every night for three years) and never actually officially lived with him (he was out of the country during the time I officially lived at his house). But it was enough to help us both know that though we were together for a long time, we were both too young and uninterested in long-term commitment with each other.
The Hulk and I have been together for over five and a half years, and spent the first year and a half in a LDR between California and Colorado. We got tired of living 1000 miles apart, so I moved to Denver. He moved in with me about six months later, after we got used to seeing each other every week (he lived in another city about an hour’s drive away) rather than every month or so. We talked a lot of things out beforehand, and for me the big risk was moving to Colorado, rather than cohabitation. We’ve been living together for nearly four years now and have spent a lot of time working on the relationship both as long-term romantic partners and as roommates. At this point I can’t imagine living by myself; there are so many benefits to our cohabitation that I never had before, even in a roommate situation.
It’s looking more and more like we’re going to make things legal in the next year or two, but I didn’t have much doubt about the relationship taking that direction from the very beginning (even though I sometimes feigned ignorance). I can understand the perspective that **anu-la1979 ** (hi, anu!) and others have put forth, that it’s not worth it to cohabit without marriage, but for me it was an important interim step between a long distance relationship and getting hitched.
In response to the assumptions of the OP, I have to say I don’t really know many people who just decided to move in with an SO after a short-ish period of time without the intention of staying together long-term. Most of my coupled-up friends are either in LTRs and living together, or did so before they married. I don’t know anybody in a serious LTR who didn’t take the interim step (No, I do know one couple who don’t live together for religious reasons, but I don’t doubt they will marry eventually). But then, in college my friends didn’t want to cohabitate (didn’t want to make that commitment just yet), and since then my friends have mostly found their SOs and settled down. The first set is getting married this year, but I have a feeling I’m going to be attending a whole lot of weddings within the next couple of years.
It just makes sense to do so. I will be moving in with my girlfriend next fall. In no particular order:
It is cheaper to rent a 1 bedroom than a 2, so why not make your SO your roommate?
Neither of us can afford to live alone.
She spends probably 3 nights of the week over anyway, which drives my current roommate up the wall.
We’ve dated for 3 years. At this point I can tell what living with her would be like, it’s a good thing.
We intend to get married as soon as she graduates college in 2 years, so we have committment on the horizon.
It just wouldn’t make sense Not to do it.
I have lived with a SO in two occasions.
The first one was temporary. I was in College and there was more opportunity for work in the city where he lived, so I moved in with him for the summer between semesters. It worked out fine since we knew exactly when I was leaving, We ended up breaking up not long after I moved out and I have no regrets.
I am currently living with my SO. We moved in together because I was living in a dormitory style accommodation supplied by the place I worked. I shared a small kitchen with about 30 people and shared a bedroom with a constantly rotating barrage of strangers. He had a house with one other roommate. Once we knew that the relationship was solid we moved in together. We have been living together ever since and are engaged.
I would personally never get married to a guy I didn’t live with first. I have seen people who love each other but don’t realize what it is like to be with someone all the time. If you get into a fight you have to resolve it, there is no other option. As a woman I also think it’s safer. When you live with a guy you know what his temper is truly like. My parents lived together for six years before getting married. It was my Mom’s second marriage and her first ended when she took their newborn child and ran because of abuse.
My Mom only gave me three bits of relationship advice
- If he hits you once is too much. Don’t give him a chance to do it again.
- Even if everybody is seated and waiting, it is not too late to say no at your wedding. If you are having any second thoughts at all, don’t do it.
- Always live with the person before getting married.
I did it in my 20’s and would never do it again. Breaking up while cohabitating is a most horrendous experience. That lack of commitment is a killer. Maybe it’s because of my upbringing, but to me there is a big, huge emotional/psychological difference between just living together and being married. I take it much more seriously and am much more interested in working things out.
My fiance will move in before we’re married, but that’s in 5 months, so it’s not a “test run.” People are not cars. You can’t test drive them.
There are people in this thread who would beg to differ. Even in your case, it worked What if you had married that first SO before you moved in together? The system worked.
We had been dating for two weeks. I was moving from Boston to California. I had my car packed, a roommate waiting in California and it was three am in a Denny’s parking lot. I asked him to come with me. He said he had to think about it.
A week later he said yes. Three months later he moved into my apartment (my roommate ditched me for a better offer). We’ve been together for over a year and a half and we’re getting married next January.
I was 19 at the time. He was 29, and is standing over my shoulder telling me I’m making him sound like a dirty old man.
We had known each other for about two years when he asked me out and I had just graduated from college and was going to grad school. We’ve been through hell and back and I wouldn’t want to spend a day without him.
He did live with a girl for awhile when he was in his early twenties. They had been together for 4 years when they moved in together. Things didn’t go well and they broke up messily not long after.
I would never want to marry someone without living with them, as there are people that I’ve been friends with that I thought would be blast to live with and then couldn’t wait until we were no longer living together. I can’t imagine doing that with a marriage license.
Some of the stuff about money I can see being an issue and were for my guy with his old SO, but for us it’s always been, what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. In California we were too damn poor for it to matter (is that your 20 bucks left in the account at the end of the month or mine?) and now we’re comfortable enough that it doesn’t matter. We share a bank account because it’s easier and he’s bad with money, so I have the credit cards and he uses cash. It’s a give and take.
I believe living together is a test run. If you wouldn’t buy a car without driving it, why would you stake your life on it, as there really are things that you don’t find out until you’re living together about each other, no matter how open and honest you are. Why should you “make it work” if it doesn’t. Then you should end up feeling trapped and bitter if it isn’t meant to be.
That’s just my opinion, though
I don’t think so. I think moving in together without a solid commitment to back it up is part of what broke us up, a “I can leave any time” mentality.
I guess I really don’t care if other people beg to differ. I think the divorce rate speaks for itself. I could pull out statistics to back up my contention that cohabitation actually decreases the success of subsequent marriage, not increases it, but I don’t care enough about getting into it with you about it to argue the point.
And I still think that “test driving” people is a crap attitude.