Heh, that was me in my early 20s … finances were the biggest driver, boyfriend and I lived in NYC and had been dating for two years in college, in student housing, and then we were faced with finding either one apartment together or two apartments with roommates. Because it seemed to make sense at the time we figured April was a good time to start making plans when we had to move out of the dorms in May. Neither one of us were able to find a great roommate situation, so we decided to get an apartment together.
Living together quickly became miserable, and we broke up after a year and it was a mess, although a relatively small one when I think about how much (how little) stuff I had then compared to how much stuff I have now as a middle-aged person.
I SWORE I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN. Which kind of lasted until Mr. Del. We did “live in sin” for a short time, because logistics seemed to work out that way. He was relocating and it made more sense to find one place for the both of us rather than two places, one of which he would move out of in six months. It’s possible it might have worked out differently if we didn’t live in such a stupid real estate market.
That’s like saying you test drove a car once and it turned out to be a piece of crap so you’re never going to do that again.
I don’t know what the statistics are but I do know that living together first was a good decision for me. I do think that some people choose to get married after cohabitating because the relationship is going bad and they think marriage will save it, but that’s just a bad reason to get married, not a statement about cohabitation itself.
ETA that this post was addressed to Ruby, not delphica.
Within those statistics I would also like to see the religious beliefs of those that did not move in together prior to marriage. Some religions are not open to non-married cohabitation and divorce. So those that move in at marriage may want a divorce, but just not be able to get one.
The only person I can think of who’s had serial live-ins is my stepson, who’s had three since he split up with the mother of his children. It’s almost a given that when he dates someone, she’ll be moving in within a couple of months. He has custody of the daughters and the women don’t stay long.
Everyone else I know who lived together has stayed together and eventually married. These are older people though, in their 40’s and 50’s, no young kids in the mix.
With hubby, it was kinda weird. We slept at each other’s houses for about a year. I didn’t like being at his house – he’d raised his kids there and they were always popping in and out. It had been their home, so of course they weren’t going to call first, or even knock. The potential for embarrassment was scary.
He was uncomfortable in my house too, I think because I’d lived there with my late husband. When I sold that house and bought another, that’s when he got rid of his house and moved in. We married about two years later.
I’m not sure what would have happened if I hadn’t sold my house. Maybe we’d still be “sleeping over”.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Good analytical skills, Sparky. People are cars. Use the same procedures to secure one that you’d use to secure the other. How could I have gone through life not realizing that? It all makes sense now.
Anecdote =/= plural of evidence. I am not compelled by your personal story. I’m glad it worked for you. It doesn’t for a lot of people.
No, I think people think that cohabitating is an exact simulation of marriage and that it’s some sort of accurate test scenario. I think it’s not. I think it degrades commitment and has an overall negative effect on the success of subsequent relationships. Just because it worked for you does not mean it’s overall a successful strategy.
Thanks. I’m young enough that I’m not too worried about my hypothetical SO needing such things from me. If I were to die, I’d rather my parents get my (rather limited) assets. They’re likely to need the money more.
I lived with my wife for a few summers in grad school before we got married. It made financial sense for us and it really lets you get to know someone. Anybody can keep up a nice facade while dating but once you live together, you know what they are really like.
Are they messy? Do they snore. Do they pick their toenails while watching TV? What are arguments going to be like?
Discussing finances is incredibly important as well. Are they a spendthrift or are they cheap? Do bills get paid on time or blow off? I would rather find out these things before marriage rather than after.
I abhor the fact that same-sex marriage is not allowed in the US, partially for the very reasons I have given about what marriage does for commitment. Also, because it’s bigoted bullshit, unAmerican, and unConstitutional, not to mention morally wrong. So believe me, I know, and I wish it were different.
When I decided to move in with my boyfriend, there were a few factors in play:
I knew we were in it for the long haul. I had been staying over at his house 1-4 times per week for the last 4 years or so.
I thought I should move out of my parents’ house BEFORE I moved out of the city. It would have been too much of an adjustment to go from living at home to living by myself in a different country.
He wanted the extra proof of commitment.
With all of that, it just wouldn’t have made sense to do anything but maybe live at home for that last year, but whatever. It’s worked out pretty well (although we sure had some fights about housekeeping!) - during the school year I now live in the US, but whenever there’s a school break I live in the apartment we share. Luckily for me the rent there is crazy low so I can maintain my half throughout the year. Eventually we’ll get married, but I’m not in a huge hurry.
That’s pretty much true in my case as well. We’ve been married nearly 10 years now and still have separate checking accounts (joint savings), and still pay about the same bills - he gets rent, I do the rest, we each handle our own credit cards, and we don’t sweat it about “covering” the other person’s expenses either; it’s just how we’ve budgeted it. The tangible changes I’ve seen are being covered on his insurance (though I have my own) and getting couple’s memberships for various places, really.
We’d been dating for about 5 years at that point, and I had been away at grad school for a couple years, traveling down every other weekend to see him. So upon my leaving grad school, he was moving into his first post-college apartment, and said I should move in with him. At that point I could really give or take marriage, not seeing the importance of a “piece of paper,” so we lived together for a few years before marrying.
I care much more about that “piece of paper” these days as I’ve seen enough friends in gay/lesbian couples or unmarried (long-term, committed) straight couples run into problems with not having anywhere near the same rights as married couples get. I know someone who claimed to be engaged to her long-term (i.e., several years and deeply committed) boyfriend when he was admitted to the ICU of a local hospital and the doctors were saying, “Call his family, he might not live.” He was estranged from his parents and the hospital could have legally turned over decisions about his care to them since he didn’t have anything written up about her being able to make healthcare decisions.
Same here. It was pretty much just paperwork for us. People kept telling me that being married would be different from living together, but in our case, it was a barely perceptable change.
Well, if you’re going into it with a bad attitude, then that’s your fault. And, in case you hadn’t noticed, being married doesn’t prevent people from bailing either. If you’re the sort of person who would go into living together thinking ‘I can always leave’, then I should think you’d go into marriage thinking ‘I can always get a divorce’. In fact, you yourself point this out:
You know statistics and their relationship to reality. Ever think that maybe the people who don’t live together don’t do so because they are religious and are equally likely to refuse to divorce even though the marriage is horrible?
Hey, you’ll be ‘test driven’ yourself. Fair all 'round.
Oh yeah, this point reminds me of a couple I knew in college. The woman had a number of psych classes and such (IIRC), so I would have expected a different analysis from her, but no such luck. The two of them got engaged in their senior year and planned to marry in late August. They didn’t live together but did stay overnight at each other’s respective places frequently. At that college, nearly all student-aimed housing had leases that expired in mid-August, and this was true for the both of them. They weren’t staying in their current housing so both of them had to move a couple weeks before their wedding.
They had also heard the statistics predicting higher divorce rates for couples who lived together before marriage. This wasn’t a moral thing, they honestly believed that two weeks before they tied the knot, even though they’d been doing regular sleepovers at the other person’s place previously, cooking over there, etc., officially moving in together was potentially disruptive enough to be avoided at all costs. So on top of the heading-off-to-grad-school stress and the moving-shortly-before-marriage stress, they solved this worry by having her move in with someone else for a couple weeks beforehand.
My point? I guess some people have to do what’s right for them regardless of what other problems it stirs up, when other people would have absolutely zero issues with it or future repercussions. Me, I don’t have a whole lot of “need” to be married but even before moving in with the man who’s now my husband, I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. And, well, that’s me.
I have to agree with Rubystreak on every point. To me, living together carries all the responsibilities of marriage but none of the benefits of marriage. It’s a fairly risky scenario financially and legally, to me.
When I was in my 20’s my dad tried to explain to me why living together just didn’t make sense for me. I was convinced that he was wrong, that it wasn’t a big deal, and that I should do what feels right in the moment. Now I know better. I say I would never again live with someone without the commitment of marriage with as much fervor as those that have said they’d never marry someone without living with them first.
I don’t look down on those that do cohabitate and I do believe that for some people it’s the right choice for them, but I’d never do it again.
Well, after she paid for the license and we stood in front of all those people pledging lifelong love and threw that big party, it seemed to be the logical next step. What?
Living with a SO does create more of a commitment though. You can’t really break up on a whim. You need to go out and find a new place to live so it does make you think twice.
By the same token, you pretty much have no place to get away to so you better make sure you get along before you move in.
