NOTE: This is NOT in reference to romantic relationships or immediate family. This is in reference to relationships such as friends, coworkers, or neighbors.
If someone acts happy to see me, and they also act happy to see everyone else they come in contact with, then it kind of neutralizes the interaction. On the other hand, if someone seems to specifically want to be around me or act happy to see me, that feels amazing – for example, if a coworker chooses to sit next to me in a meeting or a friend specifically asks me what time I’m showing up to a big event so that they can arrive at the same time.
I’m just curious to hear other examples people have of ways people behave that make you feel special.
I was having problems setting up my new laptop. A friend offered to help me. That didn’t make me feel special. It was kind and generous. But he would do that for any friend. When I got to his place, I had time to study the various collectibles. Some things were just stored on shelves. Some things were displayed rather prominently. The following category included several things I had given him over the years.
Either he remembered specifiic things I had given him and rearranged his collection to flatter me (given the sheer volume of stuff in his collection, this seems extremely unlikely) or my gifts to him were genuinely some of his favorite things.
Working in a school provides plenty of opportunities, especially when one has been at the same school for a while. Every day when I leave a bunch of pre-k kids in the aftercare program run up and hug me, and it isn’t unusual to have groups of middle school kids holler to me when I’m walking through Union Station to catch the Metro train.
When people ask for advice. Makes me feel they must admire my success or think I know what I’m doing with certain subjects. I’ve had friends ask for advice on money management, home repair projects, cooking, etc.
I just thought of another one. My Gobhi and I met a bunch of friends at a restaurant. One of them, who I honestly don’t know very wll, introduced his new GF to the group. Then, he said to her ‘You have to hug Doc! He gives the best hugs!’
Every year, one of the professional societies that I belong to has its annual meeting/convention. I’ve always found this meeting very boring, so I usually go to a different society’s annual meeting instead.
Some years, I’m the only one in my department who doesn’t go to the meeting. I feel like I have free run of the department when that happens. The meeting is local this year, so it’s possible that most of my colleagues will be at the meeting this year again and I’ll be all on my own again!
So is this not something they do with other adults? I can see how that would make you feel appreciated or loved, but not sure how that makes you feel “special” unless it’s something unique to you.
I love this example, because as you mentioned, it’s something that people typically don’t fake. A person might fake a compliment, or smile a bit more widely than they really feel when they see me – but they’re not likely to rearrange their home to flatter me.
Agree. No matter if you have been away for a few minutes or a few days or a few weeks, when you walk in to find an exuberant dog whining and furiously wagging it’s tail and wiggling all over the place, it feels great! I don’t get that from anyone or anything else in my life.
During the time my chronic depression was severe enough to keep me from working, I would visit my family in Florida for a little under a month every year. After my sister got a dog, Mugsy, I wondered if he would remember me on my next visit. He did indeed. Now that I have a job, I can only visit for two weeks. Over the past few years, Mugsy has not been doing well. He had lost most of his teeth. He moved much more slowly. He requried special food and medications. His senses were clearly very diminished. He used to love strangers, especially children. Unable to know whethe an approaching stranger was a threat or not, he snapped at almost anybody who got close to him. I was one of about six humans who could approach him safely. One day, I was petting Oscar, the dog my SIL brought with her into the relationship, and Mugsy was sitting nearby. He fell asleep. He looked so adorable, I had to lean forward and plant a kiss on the top of his head. To my surprise, he sensed my approach and woke up. The whole thing happened in a second or two. First, not really awake and just knowing a larger animal was approaching from above he began to growl and snarl. Then, he became fully awake, realised it was me and switched to just licking my face a lot.
As the school librarian I’m the only person besides the principal who everyone knows, and I’ve been there a lot longer. Yes, no one gets it to the degree all do. It’s probably going to be pretty emotional in June, since I’m retiring at the end of the year.
Far and away my favorite queation. Makes me feel validated every time.
Most people in a school have some kids who particularly like them, but its different kids. So knowing THAT kid likes you in particular can make you feel special. If you need the quantity of kids who like you in particular to be greater than the quantity of kids that like other teachers in particular, you need to get over yourself.
I, too, am happy when someone seems to be thrilled to enjoy my company. Usually, it is not a surprise, though sometimes it has been. Folks liked to travel with me, specifically. Strange, bc my natural personality is that of an introvert, but even introverts enjoy friendship and socialization.
When I give someone a gift of money (which I often do), is another way I feel special bc I was once quite poor, and if I can ease someone’s worries with a rent payment or just a tank of gas, I feel I am truly doing something good and needed. I like to make folks happy in that way, but they are all family members, so maybe it doesn’t count. Gardening is another way I feel special, and I love the process and results. I have a big yard, and having my own flowers and vegs is the best! It is Spring, and I am ready. Reading, my journaling, photography…all these are soul nurturing, and I feel like a true citizen of creativity and thought when I do them. Shopping, ugh, I prefer to do that online. Boycotting Amazon has been a real hardship for me!! (That last was off topic, sorry!)
I would imagine that anyone who comes into contact with a lot of kids and treats them with respect is going to be liked, sometimes even by the kids who can be a pain in the butt at times. I’m known to pretty much everyone in the school, so that makes it more likely I’ll be liked by more kids. And I pride myself on being able to find something to like about nearly every kid I come into contact with.
What I am saying is that if you only feel special because kids in general like you more than they like the other adults that are also there to support them, that is awful. It is a great feeling to be liked by people. It’s a toxic feeling if you feel devalued because the people that like you also like other people, or don’t put you first, or that you aren’t the favorite for all students.
I’ve worked with teachers who needed to be the “favorite”. It’s entirely different than wanted to be well thought of. It leads to actively damaging the relationships kids have with other adults because you feel like you want to be the person they think is the most amazing, smartest, coolest person in the world. I think there’s always a temptation to want to be that person, and every teacher (or person in a similar role) to take pride in being the “favorite”, and what I am saying is that’s a feeling that should not be indulged. It should be squashed, or worked through, or whatever.
Different kids are going to connect with different people, for whatever reason. It’s okay if the young hip guy currently teaching world history is able to connect with a set of kids I can’t, because I’m more a “mom” these days and for some kids, they get plenty of mom at home. But it’s also okay if I connect with some who have no patience for that dude’s wacky hipster vibe. It’s not a competition.
It’s the difference between feeling happy you got Christmas presents from 5 kids, and feeling special because you got five and the lady next door only got 3–or resentful that she got 7. Do you really think it’s gatekeeping to suggest that’s a toxic source of validation?
Yes, while generalizations about feelings are fine, I am always very reluctant to apply them to individuals, especially ones I don’t know at all, as well as ones whom I only know a little. Further, by the structure of your answer, you seem to be assuming that the poster does not deserve to feel special because he is liked and greeted in a friendly way by a lot of children, unless he passes some test devised by you. That sure sounds like gatekeeping to me.