Is there a single moment in your life that you think that perhaps you didn’t appreciate at the time? Do you think that that if you could go back you would appreciate what you were feeling even more or do you think that perhaps the moment would be ruined if you had to think too much about it?
For me it would be the couple hours in the spring when I was a senior in high school and my friend Erin and I drove up into the mountains. It was raining that day, but a nice warm Spring rain. All of the wild flowers were in bloom. Her and I just kind of wandered off in separate directions. I wish I could go back to that, feeling as if the whole world was before me and it would always be as perfect and beautiful as it was there. Of course I was very naive then but anything seemed possible. Now, 15ish years later with a full time job, responsibilities, feeling as if “this is as good as it gets” I wish I could go back to feeling as if the whole world is ahead of me and I can conquer it.
Well, your OP just reminded me of the time that I went to Washington D.C. when I was a junior in high school. Being an extremely sheltered only child I was shocked when they told us, Ok, it’s 1:00 now, be back here at 5:00 for orientation. I had never experienced such a feeling of exhilaration before. The whole city was mine! I could go wherever I wanted. Wow. To this day, D.C. is one of the few large cities that I like. I always have fond memories of that time in my life.
I love my daughter more than anything this world can offer, but what I’d really like to relive is the pure, unadulterated relief I felt after getting my epidural. Then we could skip through the labor, the episiotomy, the tearing, and I’d like to relive having them give me that little peanut for the first time.
The birth of my son. I didn’t handle things well, was sedated and my first view of him was all wrapped up in my husband’s arms and all I could think about was going back to sleep.
Sitting by the fire on a beach one weekend in Hong Kong, slightly baked, cold beer in hand, loving girl by my side, sexually satisfied, great job, no money worries, stomach pleasantly full of fantastic Chinese food, good buddies around me, relaxing in the warm sun. I thought to myself at the time: “now I know what bliss feels like”.
Of course, I knew I was joyful, but I didn’t realise how fleeting it would be; I didn’t realise how relatively slim and attractive I was at the time; I didn’t know what general crappiness, poverty, loss of love, depression, and so on, lay over the horizon over the next decade.
Despite the lessons I’ve learned - particularly from Buddhism - that nothing lasts, and everything falls apart, and that it’s good, nothing to fear, and is part of the natural way of things, in a way I’m glad that I didn’t know how good things were. Bliss is ephemeral, and I think that self-knowledge would tear it apart.
What a great question. I’ve had some wonderful moments, but when it comes to a sheer unadulterated moment of joy, it was in the seventh grade. I was running to be the class treasurer of the junior high against an eighth grade cheerleader. Needless to say, my geeky self didn’t stand a chance. Everyone running for office gave a speech to the school, and I thought, what the hell, and said what I really thought, at least I’d go down in flames.
I got a standing ovation. Cheering. My face turned red and I almost started bawling. Me, a geeky seventh grader.
I know, pretty pathetic stuff compared to child birth, but it was so unexpected. It was like a jolt of acceptance that I really needed at the time.
This will sound pretty dumb, but I remember vividly the day in high school English class when the light bulb came on about English grammar. I nearly instantly went from being a C- student to an A student. That brilliant flash of insight and understanding was amazing, and I’ve never experienced anything quite like it since.
There are so many memories, but which is most important? Contentment: being rocked in a chair as a toddler with an ear infection? Excitement: the thump in you chest when kissed by THAT guy? Belonging: being together with my brothers before everyone scattered?
I think I’m gonna go with Peace. I’d had a really rough time breastfeeding. My first son didn’t latch at all, and I was trying to get used to feeding boy the number 2.
The house was noisy, I was exhausted and felt pretty body-broken, my nipples were screaming for a break. But he just latched… and I got past the initial pain, and relaxed and he really was eating from me, and I just felt so calm, and everything else was tuned out except for him.
Probably the day in the Old Gym, when I first won a wrestling match. It was 1982, and I had always been the shy geeky kid, overweight, and awkward. I’d spent the first 6 years of my school career hating sports because not only was I no good at them, but when I failed to live up the standards of my teammates or the teachers I was subjected to humiliation.
After six years of things in public schools, I was transferred to private school, and forced to go out for the athletics there. Which I greeted with about as much enthusiasm as being told I would have to join the French Foreign Legion. (And since this was while the civil unrest in Chad was very “hot” that’s pretty strong.) I ended up choosing wrestling for my winter sport because I didn’t want to try hockey, and basketball just didn’t appeal.
As a wrestler I stank on toast. For my full first season every match I was in ended with a pin - for the other team. But I didn’t give up. I kept working on it. And my knowledge of the theory was pretty good - I knew the moves, just had trouble applying them. Finally, in the middle of my second season I started to get good enough that I was working through the whole match. And this time, I think for the last match of the season, I actually won. I didn’t pin my opponent, but I out pointed him.
And the gym was shaking from the cheers. For the guy who’d handed the other team six points almost every match for most of two seasons. It was something that a few years previously, I would not have been able to believe possible.
(Note: I’m reading this as something you can only experienced, as it happened, not change. If I could change things I’d be going so many other places, first.)
I’d go back to the countdown to 2000, because during those 10 seconds I felt such overwhelming optimism for the future… it was like everything that had sucked about the previous millenium would be in the past, and that a shiny new millenium was opening up all full of second chances. My BF and I had been hitting a rough patch, but at that moment, it felt like this was our chance to start all over again.
And also because the fireworks that night were just about the coolest thing I’ve EVER seen.
Beating my best friend in middle school at Goldeneye. I so totally pwned him it wasn’t even funny.
I would love reliving my experience on a Kairos retreat in high school. I’ve never felt so totally loved and at peace with myself. Before that time I had really bad self-esteem and social anxiety.
I think I’m too young yet to have a moment I’d like to relive, but at present, I would give anything to be back in bed with my ex, cuddling in a thunderstorm.
Now, this is not to say I want to be back with that woman — the relationship was dysfunctional on so many levels, especially near the end — but just feeling another human being’s warmth in the middle of an afternoon thunderstorm is moving in a way that words fail to describe.
Good thing is, I’m still young enough to find that moment again. It won’t be exactly the same, but knowing now what I did not know then, it might turn out to be better.
