Graft Threepio and Jar Jar together as a two headed cyborg monstrosity that can perform all their most annoying mannerisms simultaneously.
Not enough aliens in “A New Hope”
Replace the X-Wing pilots with:
A hot teenage Twilek girl
A cuddly fuzzy man-ferret
A thinly-veiled CGI ethnic stereotype
Keep Porkins, but place him in a tight white jumpsuit with a tantalizing midriff tear.
A thread like this might inspire Lucas to put a female Jabba the Hutt in the slavegirl outfit for the next “prequel”.
Bri2k
“We are going to need a bigger boat (load of viagra)”
The CGI stereotype could be Hosayuh, from the Beanarus star system.
Porkins could be renamed Slimkins
Instead of Emperor Palpatine attacking Luke with lightning bolts from his hands, have the Emperor touching Luke over and over while rubbing his feet on the carpet, thus torturing Luke to the breaking point with endless tiny shocks of static electricity.
Don’t forget to CGI in some carpeting.
And while you’re at it, wood panelling.
Slight crossover,the planetary medical repair device from the NuWho mini “The End of Time” appears in the SW universe, Jar-Jar stumbles into it, since it was damaged when it appeared in the SW universe, it changes everyone into our least favorite Gungan…
Or, the kamino cloners used JJB as the clone template instead of Jango Fett…
Add in some Klingons. Have NCC-1701-E come in and blow every Star Destroyer to bits.
Have Sam Beckett leap into Darth Vader.
Put it all on FOX-TV in one hour eps all shown out of order.
Give Han a sonic screwdriver.
That’s shag carpeting, of course.
Also add in some beanbag chairs. And some macrame wall hangings. Plus a scene in the Death Star kitchen with avocado-green appliances. (Hey, it was made in the 70s, it might as well look it.)
Everything stays the same, except at the end of RotJ, when Vader dies, it fades to black…
…and then fades back in as Dick Loudon wakes up in his bed in the Stafford Inn, with an ice pack on his head, and tells his wife Joanna about the strangest dream he just had.
LOL, the Mantina
Declan
Have Boba Fett routinely take off his helmet and stand around revealing his face. Maybe even occasionally saying, “I’m not really that mysterious, you know.” Maybe his address and social security number could be stamped on the back of his armor. And he would have to frequently discuss his childhood.
That’s right, the merchandise-driven insertion of characters all started with RoJ. Wookies would have been osssum, but their arm-wrenching antics would have stopped kids seeing it.
This might actually work and that’s what I’m afraid of; quickly delete your post before Lucas sees it.
-Cut out the Luke/Leia kiss.
-Have characters (like the Emperor) occasionally refer to Darth Vader as Anakin. Or even Ani.
-Have Han say ‘I love you too.’
-Have a voiceover say that Han survived because of the midicholorian level in his body, and give other hints that he might also be Strong In The Force.
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Have the Ewoks use primitive laser pistols make of wood and rocks.
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Cut the ‘these are not the droids you’re looking for’ scene. Instead, Luke and Kenobi are pursued in a through the town, getting sideways on the corners and frightening pedestrians.
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Change American Graffiti so Bob Falfa wears a black vest. While we are about it, Wolfman Jack gets a Bandolier, and that girl that Toad gets with Gets a cinnamon bun Hairstyle. ‘Subtle’ forshadowing is scattered throughout the film.
Haha, that could be the thread winner.
Yeah but have Han do the voiceover himself while he’s driving away on a moutain road, with some synth music, with Leia sitting beside him.
(Or Chewie, if you got to ending 2).
Now that I come to think of it, have Han do a really annoying voiceover all over the movie that completely destroys or clarifies anything remotely ambiguous or interesting about the plot. Have Harisson Ford do the recording session with him really phoning it in.
I’ve heard that Ewoks came about because Lucas wasn’t able to fit Wookie costumes in the budget so he cut them in half.
Add someone singing lyrics to the opening theme music. “Staaaar Waaaaars!!..”
Draw CGI pants on Chewbacca.