What More Could Lucas Do to Annoy Fans?

From this thread, I see that Lucas is tinkering with the Star Wars films again for the blu-ray release. If Vader’s “noooooooo” isn’t a parody, it’s yet more damage done to the original, where an expressionless mask somehow conveyed what Vader was thinking perfectly at that point. It got me wondering how he could achieve maximum damage to his legacy.

  • Play-up Luke as the whiny teenager. “I have to do my chores first? That’s soooo unfair!”
  • Further sanitise the character of Han Solo by making a smuggler of medical supplies past imperial blockades. “Even I get boarded sometimes… those poor children.”
  • Jar-Jar cameos. He could be a high-ranking leader of the rebel alliance by the time of the original trilogy. Wouldn’t be difficult to CGI him into the command bunker at the battle of Yavin. “Yousa turn off targetting computer Luke!” He could also replace Admiral Ackbar in Jedi.
  • Add midochlorian references to the original trilogy. “The force is strong in this one. His midochlorian count must be exceedingly high.”
  • Have Luke scare the wampa off using his lightsabre, can’t have him getting choppy on a clearly endangered species.
  • Can’t have Luke using his jedi powers to trick simple ewoks, have him give an impassioned speech instead.
  • Actually, thinking about it, Obi-Wan lying to Luke about the whole Vader thing is really acceptable either. “Your father wanted you to have this… before he turned to evil and became DARTH VADER!”

Replace James Earl Jones with Hayden Christensen’s voice.
Replace all Yoda appearances with CGI (not just Phantom Menace).
Put more superfluous creatures in every Mos Eisley shot.

Not only has the Sarlacc pit tentacles and a beak now, it also shoots lasers at everybody.

Instead of one Boba Fett there’s, like, five of them, or something. And they shoot laser out of their eyes.

Add some lava to the Death Star scenes. How can you call something a Death Star if there’s no lava?

Luke’s landspeeder in A New Hope now has fire shooting from the back, and shoots lasers.

Obi Wan no longer highly regards lightsabers as he’s too busy wildly firing his laser minigun (an elegant weapon from a more civilized age).

Obi Wan no longer scares the Tusken raiders away with a scream. Instead he shoots them with his laser minigun.

Alderaan is no longer destroyed, only very badly burned.

Chewbacca is now fully CGI, and he carries a laser bazooka.

Everyone shoots first. Han never fires a shot. Also, he’s CGI.

Luke is now altered to look like Hayden Christensen through CGI.

Han no longer replies to Leia’s declaration of love with the phrase “I know”. Instead he compares her eyes to the laser falls of the planet Phaseria and tells her how much it hurts for him not to be able to be with her. He also farts.

Ewoks now have CGI tentacles.

In ESB all the asteroids in the asteroid field shoot lasers.

^ That was inspired.

You seem to be suffering from laser rash, some sort of cream may offer relief.

Redub C3PO using Eddie Deezen.

Fun Fact:

Jar Jar Binks’ currently canon fate in the Star Wars saga is to be frozen in carbonite on Kashykk and then blow up by Vader’s secret apprentice in Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

-Yoda gives advice like: “May the Force be your umbrella.” and “Do. Or Use The Force To Make Someone Else Do It.”

-Product placement.

-Change “Midichlorians” to “Thetans.”

-In fact, just drench the whole Force concept with Scientologist quackery.

-Give Palpatine or Vader a pet like from the Bond Villians.

-Have Luke or Han say a catchphrase after killing a bad guy.

-Change all the Stormtroopers’ weapons to walky-talkies.

I’m one of JJB’s biggest fans, and I agree, he has no place in the original trilogy, the two droids already cover the comic relief niche, and he is not at all necessary to the plot.

Though… having his forceghost replace Yoda’s would be worth it, just to see the nerdrage.:cool:

Good point about the mitochlorians

You think too small my dear, Have Hayden dub over Chewbacca :slight_smile:

You are good!

Great idea about the pet. I’d make it one of those wisecracking trunked flying things like Watto. Model their relationship on Yago and Jaffar from Disney’s Aladdin

Have all the Stormtroopers replaced by CGI Ewoks in miniature Stormtrooper armor.

Have Vader rip apart the Emperor and reveal that he’s actually a hollow droid being piloted by an Ewok.

Have Chewbacca be an Ewok.

Have Han, Chewbacca and Leia do an explicit three-way together. Bonus badness if it’s the Ewok version of Chewbacca.

Have Yoda be a shaved Ewok.

Replace Jabba the Hut with Rosie O’Donnell
Chewbacca shoots first…
The Tauntaun drops a big steamy turd on Luke, and that’s how he survives the freezing cold.

Oh, yeah, one more thing…

Make the Mos Eisley Cantina a gay bar…I mean it looks like one already…

With every new announcement from Lucasfilm, it becomes more and more apparent that Star Wars succeeded in spite of Lucas, not because of him.

-Make it clear that Han and Chewie are lovers.

-Have Obi-Wan use the Force for petty crime like stealing tips off the table in the Cantina or copping cheap feels off of green chicks.

-Have Luke declare explicitly that he totally has the hots for Leia.

-Change Huttese to Ebonics.

-Change the holographic monster chess to whatever Itchy was watching in the Holiday Special.

-For that matter, CGI Bea Arthur in again as the bartender in the cantina.

-A new soundtrack by Danny Elfman. (Yeah, stole that from Family Guy).

-Give R2 the voice of the “You’ve got mail!” guy from AOL.

All Lucas has to do to destroy his legacy is stay alive.

Some of these ideas are really funny, but not something that Lucas would actually do.

The OP pretty well came up with the best in his first post. Those were almost believable. Especially this one…

LOL. Smuggler of medical supplies. I can see that getting rewritten in somewhere.

(“I can do the Kessel run in less than twelve UNICEFs.”)

Howard the Duck crossover.

-Have Luke **show **explicitly that he totally has the hots for Leia

Digitally alter Leia’s metal bikini to make it less revealing and more family friendly.

Rule 34? I’m afraid to look for myself…