Made-up programs acceptable, along with actual programs that already exist but Spike ignores. Help me reprogram Spike to be an ACTUAL men’s channel instead of the pathetic thing it is, whatever it is.
A few starters:
The Half-Naked Women Dancing Program. A bunch of hot babes dance sexy to modern hit music in the skimpiest clothing that they can get away with on a basic cable channel program (i.e., things and variants). Basically the equivalent of the TV Aquarium for men … always something pleasant to see and hear on the screen.
Sam Raimi Movies. Big breasted babes with guns, nonsensical plots. Tasty!
1980s Big Hair Big Breasts Barbarian Movies. You know what I mean. Deathstalker. Barbarian Queen. And the rest.
Reruns of Cleopatra 2525, The Lost World, Xena, Hercules, etc.
I’ll have to note that the other cable channels have stolen Spike’s Reality-Based Macho with programming like Dirty Jobs, Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch and so forth. The Spike execs would probably feel like total saps, if they had the brains to understand how thoroughly they have been had. Hell, Mythbusters has more geek macho than Spike can handle!
MXC rules all! It should be on a minimum of 4 times a day.
I also have to agree with the inclusion of Hercules and Xena. Finding a way to include more sports on the channel would help as well – Maybe start broadcasting lacrosse – that’s an awfully macho sport. Also, getting the broadcast rights to lingerie football and lingerie basketball would help. Some NASCAR as well to get in the fast car angle.
There should also be a requirement for a western movie at least weekly, prefereably starring either John Wayne or Clint Eastwood.
Also, Russ Meyer movies–same things, different era, just as much fun.
In fact, more B-pictures, or drive-in pictures, period. Cars (Vanishing Point, Two-Lane Blacktop), westerns (Duel at Diablo, Valdez is Coming, even The Cheyenne Social Club), and action pictures (They Came to Rob Las Vegas), would be great. Those, and other, old B-pictures were lots of fun.
The Sports Bar Review Show. A couple of hosts (no idea who, but guys like Adam Carolla, Jimmy Kimmel, and even Guy Fieri might give us a starting point to discuss hosts) travel the country, visiting sports bars. They’d do such things as report on:
– The variety of beer available.
– The quality (or lack of it) in the food (this is why I was thinking of Guy Fieri–he’d probably be good at judging sports bar food, and improving it if necessary).
– The number and size of TVs.
– The variety of sports available (i.e. not all TVs on one sport, as happens with hockey in Canadian sports bars).
– Other available diversions (Golden Tee, Big Buck Hunter, air hockey, pub shuffleboard, etc.)
And so on. The idea would be to report on a place that you might want to go to if you found yourself in its locale, and where you might find fellow sports fans with whom to watch the game. There are enough restaurant shows out there that are produced for the upscale couple or foodie demographics; why can’t there be one for Just Plain Guys who want to drink beer, eat wings, and watch TV?
Actualy, it occurs to me the biggest problem with Wipeout is that the challenges are just too fucking long. In MXC, the events were about 60 seconds, tops, with most contestants getting splattered or dunked or whatever in less than five. Compare to Wipeout where the “whacky” obstacle courses can take a contestant more than ten minutes (!) to complete. The Americans wear life jackets not just as a nanny-state sop to a lawsuit-crazed nation, but because by the end, they’re typically exhausted to the point of passing out. That’s not funny. It’s just kinda… sad. Fuck the big obstacle course concept. Run a bunch of contestants through single challenges, like the giant bouncy balls or the boxing-glove wall, something they can pass or fail quickly.
You forgot a rating on the hotness of the wait staff.
Oh yes, there MUST also be a Kung-Fu movie of the week and a big scary monster movie of the week!
Bryan Eckers, I think you’ve nailed it on your comparison of Wipeout! to MXC. Just get to the losers falling in the mud pit already! And more contestants named Babaghanoush!
Get Ninja Warrior from G4. Screw up once and you’re done.
Bring back “Bond marathons whenever Holiday Inn might be open”, or at least do more fun marathon programming of racing movies, Godzilla movies, whatever.
Telecast the running of the bulls. I know it used to be on OLN back before it was renamed Versus.
EDIT: And swap out TNA for a WWE show if you’re going to show wrestling.
You know, I thought about that; but too late, after I posted. So I’m going to fall back on the "that part of the show is included in ‘And so on’ excuse.
Preferably with horrible dubbing involving lots of grunts and supposedly-evil laughter, and over-the-top dialogue:
“Wang. Huh! You have dishonored my sister. Huh! Now you must–huh!–prepare to die! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“Your warriors cannot defeat me, Chen. Huh! For I have studied not only kung-fu–huh!–but also fung-ku, under Master Po, for lo these many years. Ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“Master Po! Fung-ku! Huh! Curses! [Dramatic pause while Chen’s mouth continues to move, then his dialogue continues.] We will meet again, Wang, and when we do–huh!–your lessons from Master Po will not save you. Huh! I will avenge the honor of my sister. Ha-ha-ha-ha!”
