I would have excellent hearing and sense of smell, making for great tracking abilities.
I would be excellent at lying around and sleeping all day.
I would howl all night, keeping my enemies awake, causing them to be fatigued.
I would dig holes in my enemies’ gardens, causing them endless frustration.
I would then drown them in my “super-drool”.
However, I would have a really wrinkly face, long droopy ears, and stubby legs.
People would always want to know why I looked so sad, and they would give me things to try to cheer me up even though I was actually quite content in the first place.
All this “radioactive” stuff is old hat. Nowadays one acquires one’s superpowers from being masticated by genetically altered beasties.
I think I’d like to be bitten by a genetically altered bookworm. One that had just digested the contents of the Library of Congress.
With my new powers I could become Etaoin Shrdlu, mighty defender of the English language! With my stupendous worm-begotten storehouse of knowledge, I would roam the streets looking for l33t slackers and braining them with my solid steel copy of Strunk & White when they say stupid things such as “Who cares - you knew what I was trying to say irregardless of how I typed it.”
BROINK! “Take THAT, you sloppily typing purveyor of hashed syntax!”
“groooan… unh… It’s all so clear now. Thank you, Etaoin Shrdlu! Instant messaging is going to be different now for my friends and myself…”
BROINK!
“[sub]ow - jeez[/sub]… I mean ‘my friends and me,’ of course!”
A radioactive bear, if I thought I could survive the experience. I’d get to ramble around having people being afraid of me, even if I slept all winter.
Or a bee-- zip around and shit honey. But the sterility thing would get annoying.