What should Disney butcher next?

The Disney Corp. has butchered classics of literature (Alice in Wonderland, "Hunchback of Notre Dame), historical figures (Pocahontas), historical events (Iron Will), and mythology (Hercules). Sure, all Disney releases should carry the disclaimer “Any resemblance to the actual source material is strictly co-incidental”, but what should they butcher next? My vote would be “The Story of Jesus”. There would be some drawbacks of course (they probably won’t have any qualms about skipping the crucifiction), but think of the possibilities! Numerous wise-cracking animals from the manger, great songs (He’s walkin’ on water, doin’ it with dash, You try it you’ll make a big splash), unlimited merchandising potential (Lil’ Jesus Carpentry Set, Jesus’ Home winemaking Kit, Pontius Pilate soap and hand towels). What’s your vote for their next bit of mindless fluff?

I read a short story once about Disney doing “The Diary of Anne Frank”. I won’t go into details, but just think about it.

With the Disney requirements of songs, happy ending, love intrest and a cute animal sidekick.

Hurts, don’t it?

They also looked into doing a version of “Catcher in the Rye” with dogs…

pesch

or Pet Sematary w/ dancing animal corpses.

While discussing the previously mentioned short story, someone in my class suggested:

“Hiroshima: City of Light”.

Believe me, there were much worse suggested.

The Seven Samurai, starring the Seven Dwarves.

[sub]Actually, that’s how I describe our tech support staff, myself included.[/sub]

They butchered The Jungle Book and Escape the Witch Mountain by fundamentally changing the storylines.

I’d like to see (or, rather, wouldn’t like to see) them do some of Hans Christien Andersen’s work.

And, of course, who would miss Jesus getting accidentally killed by his mother? Or Noah’s Ark, with Disney sending out some fairies to make sure everything was okay, and with it being a town effort instead of the work of one family?

I’d really hate to think of Disney touching The Exorcist. Oh man, what would they do with that? Would they be able to keep any of the original story?

Or would that just defeat the purpose?

Walt Disney Presents, Beowulf

Didn’t you see The Little Mermaid, punha?

Hmm… what could be done to Romeo and Juliette? The Taming of the Shrew?

Arden Ranger! King Lear :rolleyes:

Stop it, Ell! You’re scaring me!

I personally would LOVE to see Disney try “A Clockwork Orange.”

My friends and I had this conversation a few years ago, sometime after Pocahontas and before Mulan. We decided on Joan of Arc. It has the quasi-spritual aspect Disney seems to like, a strong heroine which Disney also sort of likes (even if they do subordinate themselves in the quest for us men folk quite often), and even more sword fights. And, for the sake of marketing, they can give her a pet dog (since, as we all know, Little Brother didn’t get nearly enough screen time).

Hitler,they could write him up as a picked on child. Then they could go into his magnificant cleansing of the human race for the pure, and then the terrible way in which the world treated him. He then gets the ending scene where all are to pitty him because the world hated him as a beast that lay dying.

How about Moby Dick? They could turn it into an environmentally correct drama, where Ahab’s young son or nephew shows him the folly of his obsession with killing the great white whale, and instead, he becomes obsessed with stopping whale hunting throughou tthe world! I still see Patrick Stewart doing the voice of Ahab.
Or maybe another look at Native Americans with an adaptation of . . . wait for it . . . . yes–Bury my Heart of Wounded Knee. Any chapter would do, but the Wounded Knee massacre seems best suited for Disney–it’s already got a big dance number! Just think of it, Disney’s interpretation of the Ghost Dance. And, at the end, the pretty young Indian princess (Sitting Bull’s neice, perhaps?) can lead the soldiers and the Native Americans in a dance together, and then they all share a meal (no alcohol allowed).

How about changing {i]Of Mice and Men*, or The Grapes of Wrath to have happy endings?

Does anyone own the rights to the original Wizard of Oz books by Frank Baum? Now that I think of it, I’m surprised Disney hasn’t done them. Unless they did that terrible Return to Oz travesty awhile back.

<uncurls briefly from the fetal position triggered by previous suggestions>
They could do the Salem witch trials. For that quintessential Disney touch of hysterical inaccuracy, they could have the accused being burned instead of hanged.
Picture it: The stoned, homicidal villagers singing and doing this huge spiralling (for irony) circle dance around the stake, while the woman who tried to warn them not to eat the big black grains advances from “very rare” to “medium”. Of course, someone (with no historical correspondence at all) will show up to rescue her, and together they will foil the real “evil witch” who poisoned the grain in the first place.

Hmmm…who could do the voice for Cotton Mather? I have an amusing image of Leonardo DiCaprio doing it, but I’m open to suggestions.

Hans Brinker or The Silver Skates. Or did they do that already?

Brave New World. Instead of genetically engineering children, you clone happy little animals. Of course, in the Disney version, you don’t need drugs to control them.

or this: http://www.bway.net/~hunger/classics.html

Actually, one of the major TV networks already beat Disney to the Noah story in a mini-series over 2 night. Didn’t watch it myself, but according to the TV review, the writers added sea-monsters and a ship of pirates to the story to “jazz it up a little” (as if the death of almost the entire human race wasn’t enough of an audience grabber!).