Disney Films We Just Don't Need To See

Cafe Society
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It seems Walt Disney will make a movie out of anything, as evidenced by “The Hunchback of Notre Dame.” But is there anything they won’t make a musical cartoon movie out of? I sure hope so, so that we won’t have to see…

1. Walt Disney’s Lolita

Humbert Humbert (Voiced by Tim Allen) battles Clare Quilty (Kevin Spacey) over the affections of Lolita (Some teenager) and they… no, that’s enough of the plot. Featuring a score by Tim Rice and Elton John, highlighted by the hit “It’s Always Better The First Time.”

2. Walt Disney’s Atlas Shrugged

The upbeat musical number “Who Is John Galt?” highlights this 7-hour animated masterpeice starring the voice of John Travolta as John Galt and Julia Roberts as Dagny Taggart. Special director’s cut is 9 hours long on 3 DVDs, plus an additional 6 DVDs of Ayn Rand fans talking about how good it is. Great performance by Will Smith as James Taggart, who (in the movie version) is Dagny’s dog.

3. Walt Disney’s Das Kapital

Not a literal interpretation of the book, but rather the story of its creation, starring Christopher Lloyd as a zany Karl Marx and Anthony Hopkins as Friedrich Engels on a roller coaster ride of fun as they create a political philosophy that will result in the murder and enslavement of millions of people! Children will delight in the hit song “Overthrow the Bourgeoisie!” sung by “The Proletariats,” a wacky bunch of singing factory children voiced by a variety of child actors from TV shows I’m too lazy to look up.

4. Walt Disney’s Equus

Test audiences agreed that Edward Norton as Alan and Tom Hanks as Dysart are just hilarious in this animated version of Peter Shaffer’s play about insanity, societal conformity, the nature of sexuality, and grotesque animal abuse. Sting pens the movie’s hit song “Who Needs Horses, Anyway?”

5. Walt Disney’s The Shining

Didn’t like the Kubrick version? Well, Ebert and the other guy agree it’s two thumbs up for this wacky musical version! You won’t want to miss SNL alumni Will Ferrell, Norm Macdonald and Nora Dunn as the Three Murderous Topiary in their dance number “Ain’t No Ghosts Here!” Stars the hilarious Matthew Perry of “Friends” as an alcoholic who’s driven insane by evil spirits and tries to murder his family. Bring the kids!
Anyone else have some movies Disney should NOT do?

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Walt Disney’s The Dukes of Hazzard

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Great, now people at work are looking at me and trying to figure out why I just laughed so loud. Good one, RickJay*. :smiley:

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When I first heard about Disney doing The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I swore I would not see another shitty saccharine Disney remake until they came out with Disney’s The Passion Play.

Disney’s Das Kapital puts me in mind of another great hit: Disney’s Das Boot. A family-tastic followup to The Little Mermaid. The whole family will delight to “Under the Sea” sung
by terrified Nazis and punctuated by the ping of a sonar system.
Daniel

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Hamlet.

Oh wait…

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A Disney Twin Peaks.
The Prostitute Wore Tennis Shoes.
Flesh Gordon: The Musical

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Walt Disney Presents: Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka: Feel good movie of the year! Andy Dick provides the voice of Gregor Samsa, the plucky insect who overcomes the tribulations of everyday life and eventually finds the true meaning of Christmas.

Walt Disney’s Naked Lunch: Lush adaptation of the classic work by William S Burroughs. Features a wisecracking can of bug spray and an unforgettable gospel adaptation of 2 Live Crew’s “Me So Horny” sung by a trio of anuses.

Walt Disney Presents: Ulyses by James Joyce: Review not available due to reviewer’s head exploding during preview screening.

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Walt Disney’s Lord of the Flies:
John this seasons favourite teeh heart throbs as they live a Survivor type musical extrava-dancing as they learn to survive without adults on a Pacific Island.

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Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Disney!

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Disney’s Pocahantos

oops
Disney’s MacBeth

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We’ve played this game before, and I still have only one entry:

Walt Disney’s Caligula: Sickly, tragically orphaned Cal (Iggy Pop) rises to the throne after the death of his evil uncle Tiberius (Alan Rickman). At first he is awkward and unsure of himself, but with the help of his best friend, a talking equine with plenty of horse-sense named Incitatus (Freddie Prinze, Jr.), he gains self-confidence and becomes the extravegant, deranged, bloodthirsty emperor he always wanted to be. Musical highlights include the big production number “I’m a God Now”, where Cal puts on the breastplate of Alexander the Great and rides Incitatus across a bridge of boats over the Bay of Naples, and a David Bowie-composed love duet with Drusilla (Christina Aguilera) titled “My Favorite Sister”.

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Now THAT i’d by the “Special Edition DVD” of…

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“Walt Disney’s Mein Kampf”

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Walt Disney takes on Victor Hugo’s Other classic in “Walt Disney’s Les Miserables.”

“Join the Valiant Valjean as he helps the ill(but not quite dead) fantine rescue her incredibly cute daughter from the Evil Javert. Set in post-Napolianic Paris, he is joined by couragous students and singing animals, they will eventually bring France out of the dark ages when Javert is convinced of the true meaning of forgiveness after Gavroche lets him relive the childhood he never had”

“Walt Disney’s At the Mountains of Madness. Join Howie Lovecraft as he slips and slides through the wonderous ice-covered wonderland of Anartica, singing with the peguins and shoggoths. They discover a long abandoned city, ruled by the old ones, who eventually learn that Isolation is not the answe, thanks to howie. They come out into the world and Mankind is driven screaming insanely into the safety of a new dark age.” (I’m sorry, I couln’t bring myself to write “into a mind-numblingly utopian future”)

Though pretty naseatuing would be “Walt Diseny’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”

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Goofy and Maude: Join a cheerfully suicidal Goofy on the road with his funny new friend. Children will love the scenes of Goofy romping through life with Ruth Gordon, and they’ll learn a valuable lesson, namely that no matter how gross you thought the love scene between Jack Nicholson and Cher in Witches of Eastwick was, things can always get worse.

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“Disney’s Wonderful World of Quentin Tarrantino”

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Actually, I’d be really interested to see that, particulary Reservour Dogs. Casting would be interesting, at the very least.

Crying Child: “Mom! WHY DID GOOFY CUT OFF MICKEY’S EAR?”

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Walt Disney’s Oedipus Rex, featuring the hit songs “(When I Grow Up) I Want to Marry A Girl Just Like Mom”, the hit hip-hop-style single “Who’s Your Daddy Now?” and the duet “Nobody Knows A Boy Like His Mother”.

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Minnie does Minnesota

Disney’s Valis

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Walt Disney’s Medea

Huey, Dewey and Louie served a l’orange.