It seems Walt Disney will make a movie out of anything, as evidenced by “The Hunchback of Notre Dame.” But is there anything they won’t make a musical cartoon movie out of? I sure hope so, so that we won’t have to see…
1. Walt Disney’s Lolita
Humbert Humbert (Voiced by Tim Allen) battles Clare Quilty (Kevin Spacey) over the affections of Lolita (Some teenager) and they… no, that’s enough of the plot. Featuring a score by Tim Rice and Elton John, highlighted by the hit “It’s Always Better The First Time.”
2. Walt Disney’s Atlas Shrugged
The upbeat musical number “Who Is John Galt?” highlights this 7-hour animated masterpeice starring the voice of John Travolta as John Galt and Julia Roberts as Dagny Taggart. Special director’s cut is 9 hours long on 3 DVDs, plus an additional 6 DVDs of Ayn Rand fans talking about how good it is. Great performance by Will Smith as James Taggart, who (in the movie version) is Dagny’s dog.
3. Walt Disney’s Das Kapital
Not a literal interpretation of the book, but rather the story of its creation, starring Christopher Lloyd as a zany Karl Marx and Anthony Hopkins as Friedrich Engels on a roller coaster ride of fun as they create a political philosophy that will result in the murder and enslavement of millions of people! Children will delight in the hit song “Overthrow the Bourgeoisie!” sung by “The Proletariats,” a wacky bunch of singing factory children voiced by a variety of child actors from TV shows I’m too lazy to look up.
4. Walt Disney’s Equus
Test audiences agreed that Edward Norton as Alan and Tom Hanks as Dysart are just hilarious in this animated version of Peter Shaffer’s play about insanity, societal conformity, the nature of sexuality, and grotesque animal abuse. Sting pens the movie’s hit song “Who Needs Horses, Anyway?”
5. Walt Disney’s The Shining
Didn’t like the Kubrick version? Well, Ebert and the other guy agree it’s two thumbs up for this wacky musical version! You won’t want to miss SNL alumni Will Ferrell, Norm Macdonald and Nora Dunn as the Three Murderous Topiary in their dance number “Ain’t No Ghosts Here!” Stars the hilarious Matthew Perry of “Friends” as an alcoholic who’s driven insane by evil spirits and tries to murder his family. Bring the kids!
Anyone else have some movies Disney should NOT do?