What Should I Do With My Mustache?

Back in November, I helped a small group of guys establish Indianapolis’ Mustaches for Kids charter. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a fundraising organization that gets guys to grow mustaches, and raise sponsors to donate to charity (usually local schools). The growth period of the mustache is typically 1 month (usually mid-November to mid-December, so that you can ask people over the holidays. You get set up with a website through donorschoose.org (which I highly recommend for anyone doing an independent fundraiser), and people can make their tax-deductible donations online at their convenience.

Well, I went a step further. I have a background in fundraising, so set up my webpage a bit more extensively. Particularly, I created donor levels:

$20 donation got you a picture and thank you letter from the mustache
$25 donation got the $20 thank you, and allowed you to add or subtract a week from the growing period.
$100 donation got the $20 thank you, and allowed you to add or subtract one month from the growing period.

I raised $1300 and don’t get to shave until March 17.

I’d like to do something special for the big day. And since the mustache has not sent out thank yous yet (it’s both lazy, and waiting for the Big Idea on what to do), the possibilities are big. I’m looking for unique ways to get rid of this mighty pushbroom. Is there a way to shave it that wouldn’t completely destroy it? Would waxing it both keep it completely intact and not be the most painful experience of my entire life?

And since you read this far, here is a pic of the magnificant sonuvabitch:

Munch’s Mighty Mustache

You should grow it long so you can twirl it with your fingers. Chicks dig that.

No, no, no. I’m absolutely getting rid of it. It must go. I cannot stress that enough.

Porn 'stache! Take pics before you demolish it!

Actually, what if you shaved it slowly, carefully, and in successive steps, taking pictures all the way, and animated the results? :slight_smile:

I do not think waxing will pull it off in one go. No way.

Have you considered getting a nose hair trimmer and shaving a little smiley face into the stache?

Or, since it’ll be going on St. Patrick’s day, have you considered bleaching it and then dying it green?

  1. The tradition (at least for full beard going down to nothing) is a stepped approach. With the 'stache alone, your choices are kind of limited: your first move can more or less just be the pencil (John Waters) or the Hitler. Both would make an amusing photograph. I wouldn’t wander the streets with a Hitler, though. Unless dressed as The Little Tramp. Or there’s someone who looks like Russell Mael walking next to you.

  2. I’m not sure what this means. If you try and shave it without trimming it down first it’s your face that will be destroyed. You could “save” the hair from this trimming, in the same sense that the trap in the shower drain is “saving” the rest of your body hair. It’s not going to be something you’ll treasure.

  3. I would hazard to guess you’re talking about the pain of shaving/cutting a waxed moustache off, and not the emotional pain of looking like a Gay Nineties barkeep or a Gay Seventies gay man. I can’t help you there, but your particular model doesn’t look long enough to be waxed into anything solid enough to land in your sink in 2 preservable clumps. So I’d wait another 6 months. Maybe it will come back in style by then – people have been trying for years, but it looks like Brad Pitt’s finally on board.

Okay, how about this:

  1. Apply duct tape to the mustache.
  2. Carefully shave underneath the mustache.
  3. Profit! Err… Intact mustache!


Just trim it off and then shave. You can’t save the thing.

Ok, just so this is done with, you cannot wax a mustache without excruciating pain and bleeding. It would be like waxing your head. I suppose it’s possible to actually do, but you will end up with a huge mustache shaped scab which will then have a mustache growing back out of it since you won’t be able to shave.

Another fun idea that does not involve mutilation is going to the costume store and buying cheap fake mustaches to stick on the picture send out to your highest level donors. They’re really cheap (a buck or two) and it would be pretty funny to get a “3-D” stache pic.

You obviously didn’t click the link. :slight_smile: Waxing my head would be quite feasible.

True story. It would be like me waxing my head then. :smiley:

I don’t think the Teeming Millions are willing to give up quite this early.

Is there some way you can encase it in lucite and then cut it? And then encase THAT in lucite? Then maybe put it on a lit pedestal? Dude, you could offer a $1,000 level, and whoever buys it ACTUALLY GETS YOUR 'STACHE!

I’m a fucking genius…

Do a plaster mold. Don’t forget to coat the 'stache with vaseline or something, or you’ll be plastering your 'stache instead of waxing it.

Then send a 'stache mold to people. Heck, you do it right and you’ve got your Christmas shopping done.

This is kinda what I’m aiming for - but I have no idea where I’d get lucite, and how dangerous melty plastic would be to have near my nose.

But back to the waxing idea. Is there a way to seal it all up with wax, and be able to shave underneath it? Then I’d be able to melt the wax out, leaving a fully intact (but detached) lip warmer.

You’d have to build a mould, put the lucite in, and then dip your mustache into it until it hardens.

ETA: You’ll need a vibrating surface to put the mould on, so that the lucite gets into the gaps.

I would think you’d be able to just start at one side with clippers and carefully clip underneath while moving sideways across your lip, and holding the wax block in the other hand. You’d have to use a pretty hard wax though.

But once you melt the wax away, won’t you just have a pile of hair? With lucite, you keep the essential mustachiness of it, is what I’m saying.

So, you can cut it on March 17th? How spraying it with the green hair dye that is so widely available around that time? Do a St. Paddy’s Day type thing with it.

If nothing else, get a pic of you with the ultimate milk mustache (but with Guinness).

Don’t get rid of it. Use some of the money you raised to hire a special attendant whose job is to care for your mustache full-time.

Kaiser Wilhelm had such an employee.

I don’t think he earned his pay, though.

You’ve still got a month left? Start waxing the tips. See if you can get a good Poirot going by then.