What should you say? About a Stalker?

The BBQ Pit
1

Especially if you had the horrible misfortune to run into the asshole, here, on-line, in the SDMB? Should you warn others? Should you keep your mouth shut and let the chips fall where they may or what? How much do you “owe” to other posters? Or is what happens “off the board” private? What if you think someone, or his/her children could be hurt by this person? What should you do?

What if you know other SDMB posters could back you up? Does that make it more valid or should you still keep your trap yapped?

Where does freedom and privacy intersect here at the SDMB?

2

Having been afraid of just such a situation at one time or another, I say notify any posters you might believe to be directly affected by this person via e-mail. No use running off a decent poster who might only have a jones for a couple people.

On the other hand, if said individual has nothing to offer the community at large but leering stares and threatening harassing e-mails (or what have you), I say let it fly.

Although, I guess some sort of legality might come into play here if you accuse someone of being a stalker (a crime, no?) and they dispute it.

I think if someone could be hurt by this, you should definitely let someone know. Maybe a moderator–providing, of course, that the person isn’t currently one of our moderators.

3

I don’t see a problem with you revealing them, you probably should. A person’s right to privacy doesn’t extend that far.

4

Byz, why don’t you e-mail me or any other moderator/administrator with a little more detail before jumping to conclusions here.

Thanks.

5

May I suggest that you post this question in ATMB? I’m sure that TubaDiva can either handle your question or can refer you to the right person.

6

Byz, could you e-mail me? Or I’ll mail you, I think we should talk.

Oh, and I’m not the stalkette, for those curious. :wink:

7

Byz, would you mail me? Your addy on the board is bouncing back to me. I’d like to talk to you in private, please.

8

At another message board I posted at, there was a poster who would create false identities and start email friendships with posters who hated him or that he had crushes on, and then post personal info they obtained through his false identities on the board with the intention of embarassing people or proving his points about them. A number of other posters, after he was found out, started calling him a ‘stalker’ and posting warnings about him in every thread he started - this wouldn’t happen to be the kind of stalker you are talking about, would it?

9

I have no advice. I can only say I’ve had one RL stalker (who located me online), and you should think about how “real” many of us are on the SDMB.

This cat is a guy that I went to high school with - he claims to have been “in love” with me for the past 12 years or so. Since high school, he wrote me a letter addressed to my parents’ house,and maybe tried to call there once or twice, but that was it for years…

Now, I live in a place where nothing is in my name, but he somehow found me. He showed up on my doorstep about 20 minutes after I’d returned from a week-long vacation… odd coincidence, no? He asked me all sorts of questions, including if I lived alone (Yep, I lied and said no)…

Then after I did my best to brush him off, he showed up a week later w/ more questions, especially about how to contact me OTHER than showing up (I had already given him an email address)… it was creepy as hell, as you can imagine. And then a day or so later I found footsteps in the snow, circling my house… This happened a quite a few times. None of the creepy stuff was enough to call the police, but I still felt threatened. I called several family members and friends just to warn them that I might turn up dead - that’s how frightened I was. This kind of shit continued until my then-boyfriend moved in with me…
All of this was freaky, but nothing was illegal.

Now, ask yourself this: would you want to expose an online friend to this kind of thing? I know that while my well-being was never ACTUALLY threatened, I sure as hell felt vulnerable and scared. I’d lay in bed shaking in terror when I tried to sleep, and be convinced there was someone breaking into my house. It got to the point where I couldn’t sleep until the sun came up. And that was for things the cops would think of as nothing.

If you’re putting yourself in a bad position, that’s your judgement call. However, if you are risking other people, it’s your obligation to let as many people as possible know.

That’s my point of view, anyway. I realize I might be over-reacting about the whole affair, but I feel as though it’s a ‘better safe than sorry’ situation. The word “stalker” is thrown around as though it means nothing, but even for those of us that have never been harmed it holds some real meaning. You have to decide who needs to know.

PS - I’m on vacation now, again, and I fully expect to have this guy show up, or to at least find the creepy footsteps around my house when I get home. It’s been over a year since the last direct contact, and I still don’t feel safe in my own home. Use that information as you will.

10

Stalkers are psychos. I say bust his ass.

If someone says something to you in confidence, that’s private. If somebody’s trying to get over on you, that’s not private. Scream it from the mountain, sister!

11

I always thought exposing a stalker would take away his power.

12

Byzantine, e-mail a mod or administrator. Explain the situation, provide them with your evidence for suspicion, and voice your concerns. The mods/admins then can discuss their options - they may be able to research this poster a little more, they may choose to notify suspected ‘victims’ by e-mail, and they will certainly closely monitor all board activity by this poster. In the event that a situation DOES develop, they may then be in a position to help identify/track down this person and provide evidence of his/her actions.

I don’t think it is fair to make any public accusations, nor to e-mail strangers with your suspicions at this time. Someone who doesn’t know you may not only dismiss your warning, they might actually be MORE receptive to the suspected stalker because a total stranger has ‘attacked’ him/her for no reason - YOU might be accused of ‘stalking’! And, if the accused poster is innocent, you will have defamed his/her character, possibly damaged friendships, and possibly endangered yourself - what if you e-mail someone with your suspicions and they forward your e-mail to the accused poster? You might become a target yourself.

My advice would be to let the SDMB mods/admins handle it, but definitely inform them so that they are at least aware of a possible problem.

Oh, and I think it’s great that you are concerned and want to do something about it - many people would not. A smiley in the Pit just for you! :slight_smile:

13

I had an “almost” stalker. A guy I was friends with at work, he had some very deep emotional problems. He was super sensitive, and very moody. Once, I told him I couldn’t talk on the phone because I had to study, and he started screaming at me. I hung up and he kept calling back and back. Finally it stopped…and then he pulled up in front of our house.
He came up on our porch, slamming on the door, demanding that we open. My mom talked to him through the doorway, while I sat up stairs, crying hysterically while my little sister held me. My mother finally convinced him to leave, and left a message on his parents’ answering machine. AS he he had just quit work, and was moving, I never saw him again.

I still get creeped out whenever I think about him…

14

[blatant hijack]Valerieblaise, I watched an Oprah show a few years ago about being attacked and stalked, etc., and her guest expert said the most important thing women (and men) can do is trust their instincts. If you feel something is dangerous or wrong, you are right in listening to that voice. We have a victim liaison department with our police force here; you might want to consider talking with somebody in that capacity (if it’s available where you live), and see if they have any advice for you.[/hijack]

15

Byz - presumably you’re already talking about this with the mods and/or admins here, since it’s been over a day since Coldie’s post. IMO, they should handle it, if it’s possible for them to do so in a manner satisfactory to you. My $.02 would be that they should ask him to leave voluntarily, with the understanding that they, or you, are free to ‘out’ him (and, in their case, ban him) if he ever reappears.

I suspect that places like this board will increasingly need to have policies in place concerning situations like this - where one poster follows another from or to RL, or across cyberspace, despite the attention not being wanted. Unfortunate but true, especially now that the Internet has made it all too easy to find anyone.

Val - have you actually taken your story to the police? If you keep a record of instances where either (a) he comes by, or (b) someone that you have every reason to assume is him has been prowling around your house, a printed list of such incidents in their hands makes it harder for them to dismiss you as ‘another hysterical female’. It also lays the groundwork for a restraining order.

His feelings for you are of course no excuse; they’re his problem, not yours. He’s got a right to be in love with you. But you have every right for him to be gone.