I think I'm being stalked

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, here’s the story: I met this guy online. He contacted me first, if that matters. We chatted over the internet, then the phone, then finally met in person after almost a month. All seemed normal. He wasn’t quite my type, but being that I’ve been unattached for much too long, I decided “why the hell not give him a chance?” So I did.

Anyway, we had coffee and chatted. Although he was decent looking, and seemed nice enough, I did not feel much chemistry sizzling. But he asked if I would like to take a walk, and I thought ‘what would it hurt to hang out for a little while longer?’ So, as we’re taking a walk, and right as I was in the middle of saying something, he abruptly grabs me and wags his tongue in my face. I wasn’t turned out, but I felt put on the spot and tend to have a hard time saying ‘no’ to someone in that position. So, we smooch (well, more like he rolled his tongue around my face and I tried not to act like this was the most awkward thing I’ve done in a while), and then he tells me -

“I stare at your profile every night and jerk off to it. I have this fantasy that you jerk off on top of me right in the middle of a subway car”

I said I was flattered (I wasn’t, but didn’t want to seem rude) and made an excuse that I had to get up early, etc., etc. He let me go, but when I got home, there was already a message from him on my answering machine.

A couple of days go by, as I screened my calls (yeah, that was cowardly, but…), and he leaves me at least a message a day. Finally one day as I’m leaving work, he happens to be strolling along - right outside my office door. He claimed he just happened to be in the neighborhood (exactly why, he was vague about) and asked if I wanted to get some coffee. I couldn’t think up a reasonable excuse, tried to beg off that I was tired & wanted to go home, but he insisted on walking me to the train station.

Enough was enough I decided. I told him we’d have coffee. In the coffee-shop, he tried to tongue me again (which was even more awkward, as there were other customers and he was making a spectacle), but I pushed him back and told him, as nice as I could, that I didn’t feel attracted to him, thought he was coming on too strong, and didn’t want to go any further with this. As he listened, I could see tears welling up in his eyes and he whimpered and see to cave in a little. I really thought he was going to start bawling hysterically, but instead he said “fine” and left.

That was about a week and a half ago (the Monday after Thanksgiving). Just this past Sunday, my phone started ringing at 2am. Thinking that nobody would be calling at that time of the night unless it was an emergency, I picked it up. Sure enough - it’s him. His voice sounded slurred and fuzzy, and he tried to initiate phone sex with me. That’s when I let him have it. I yelled at him, stating bluntly that he gave me the creeps, that I didn’t appreciate getting drunken calls in the middle of the night, that - then he hung up.

That was Sunday. In the past three days since, I have come home to find at least three hang-up calls on my answering machine each day. I’ve been screening my calls, but I get at least two or three more hang-up calls every night.

Should I be worried about this? He hasn’t done anything genuinely threatening. In fact, he’s not very imposing physically. But I don’t feel particularly at ease alone in my apartment when the phone rings at 10 or 11 at night.

2

First off, unplug your phone at night.

Second, do not have any contact him any further. He is creepy, but I don’t know if enough has happened for the police to have a wee chat with him.

Third, if he comes by your work again, let HR know. They may be able to take further measures.

And fourth, sweetie, if some guy creeps you out, don’t be afraid to tell him right then and there. The first time he waggled his tongue in my face would have been it. You were too polite in a situation that absolutely did not call for it.

3

Man, I wish I could be that smooth on a first date.

4

Your feelings are totally justified and you may have a serious problem. I know from personal experience that it is a horrifying experience to be stalked. So far, you have handled this very, very well. It’s a mistake to give him any attention at all.

If the hangups continue, contact the police and the phone company and have them put trace on your line. Tell them what you know about this guy. This needs to be nipped in the bud.

5

If he calls you again, tell him “I am logging your calls to me on caller I.D. and if you call me again I am going to talk to the police.” (even if you don’t have caller I.D., he doesn’t know that.)

Then don’t ever communicate with him again. Any further interaction with you, even negative, is likely to just get him thinking about you more. You want him to forget about you and the only way to do that is no contact.

If he threatens you or shows up at your work again I would contact the police and ask about a restraining order. At least get something started on file.

6

If I was in that position – and, um … if I was female – I’d have been pretty damn creeped out after he pulled his first Gene Simmons. Og, who the hell thinks that telling a new potential paramour that he rubs one off to your picture and having masturbatory fantasies about subways could in any way be considered anything but get-right-the-hell-away-from-me creepy? I’m with the others. Don’t talk to him, don’t give him any indication that you even exist anymore. That guy sounds pretty damn freaky, and you never know what really freaky people will do.

7

I would not bother being as specific as saying “caller I.D.” because then he will use payphones or the *67 feature. Simply “I am logging your calls, never call here again” should suffice.

Do cut off all contact and quite completely. If you tell him to f–k off, you are still giving him attention, albeit negative attention. If he upsets you, he is still getting a reaction, he is still getting an emotional response. No response is the best response. There may be a brief escalation if in desperation he tries other ploys, but eventually a wooden demeanor and “no response” will sink in.

8

I can’t be this smooth after 10 years! :eek:

9

Incidentally – have all US states enacted stalker laws? I mean I’d hope it never gets to that but it’d be nice to know the law in the OP’s area at least covers that base.

10

Tell him flat out that you don’t want to have anything to do with him, and he is not to initiate any further contact with you. Do not try to be “nice”–tell him directly, in language that leaves no room for doubt. If he does contact you again, go to the police.

Stalkers are people who will not take “no” for an answer. It is not an issue of his "loving"you. It’s a issue of his wanting to control you.

Stalker laws have been enacted just because of this. Stalkers do not think they are doing anything wrong. They think they can make you love them.

11

She’s already done that. I would advise not speaking to him again. You may have to start documenting stuff.

12

She said he told him “as nice as she could.” She shouldn’t be nice. He’ll interpret that as interest, and maybe she’ll change her mind. I’m advising her to tell him flat out NO.

13

I agree with the advice to log every phone call, every hang-up, every encounter where he “just happens” to bump into you in public. Let your friends and co-workers know as well as your landlord or building supervisor if you are a renter. Do not speak to this man ever again. Change your phone number if you have to.

There are laws, yes, but you need to be as proactive as possible in insuring your own safety.

I don’t even know you and now I’m worried for you. Good luck in dealing with this shitstain.

14

Well, thanks for the feedback. I actually have a called ID box, one that I unhooked because it drove up my phone bill. I believe I still have it somewhere in my apartment though, so I’ll hook it up again.

I guess I should mention that the reason I didn’t pull the plug right away is that he didn’t seem that scary. Although it was uncomfortable, I saw him as being more desperately needy than threatening. To be perfectly honest, I felt a little sorry for the schmuck. That was before he showed up where I work, or called me at 2am, or called me a dozen times, though.

But I will do my best to cut off communication with him. I took down the personals profile he’d answered to, so he couldn’t stare at it all night anymore. I won’t be answering my phone w/o screening it first for the time being. I’m not sure what the HR at my office would be able to do, since he didn’t actually enter my building. He ‘just happened’ to be outside on the sidewalk as I left it, but I will mention it to them.

And just for the record, I’m a guy myself. I don’t know if that makes a difference. I noticed a couple of posts referred to me as ‘she’. Not that I’m offended, but I felt I should mention it. I know part of me would like to think that I shouldn’t worry about it, or should be tough enough to take care of this by myself. Still, I have to admit, I was more than a little disturbed when I saw him outside my office.

15

If I were in your position, I would tell the guy in no uncertain terms that you do not wish to see him again. Make yourself very clear on that point. I totally understand the feeling that you want to be nice about it, but that doesn’t work on everyone. Since you have let him know once that you don’t see it going anywhere I would also let him know that if he continues calling you, stopping by your work and the like that you will persue legal action against him. Good luck!

16

I would recommend keeping a log of all calls, e-mails, and run-ins you have with him. Write them in a little pad or something, because you might need it to show a pattern of behavior with this guy. They do tend to escalate, so be careful. Does he know where you live? Is your phone # listed with your address? Type your phone # into Google and see what pops up. You never know what this guy could find out about you over the Internet.

Also, can’t emphasize enough that you should NOT interact with this guy in any way at all ever again, even to tell him to fuck off. Any response = encouragement (this is not a normal psyche here).

Should it make a difference that you’re a guy? No. Might it? Yes. My best friend wasn’t taken seriously by police after domestic violence. They made it clear they didn’t want to get involved because it was two guys. Made me a little cynical about how police sometimes handle issues relating to gay men. That’s why I say, keep a record of everything to back yourself up.

Good luck and be safe.

17

I don’t know if it’s verizon specific or not, but pressing *51 after a phone call will automatically trace it. The phone company will keep a log of the traced calls and turn them in to the police if you ask them to.

18

If the cops try to stay inactive point out to them that a stalker is a stalker regardless of the sexual orientation of either party involved, (straight people get same sex stalkers too) and you have been documenting this, you will contact an attorney (be prepared to follow through on this) who will go public with your records and if anything happens to you, the lawyer will see to it that they are held fully accountable for not dealing with a stalker in the legally approved fashion. Do document, and save any e-mails from him you have so you can prove the origin if he begins to harass you via e-mail. After you have told him in no uncertain terms that you want nothing more to do with him ever again, do not respond to him. He feeds off any reaction you give him. He wants your fear, he wants your anger/exasperation/anxiety. He thinks as long as he keeps himself imposed on your mind eventually you will magically “change your mind” and give yourself over to his power. Do not feed the “troll”. He might be the kind of stalkerish type that will go away for good if you are firm because he really doesn’t want trouble, or he might be the fully stalker type, and will escalate until the police make him stop. Good luck.

19

In addition to the good advice that you’re already getting here, I would suggest that you work on your own boundaries a little bit. If you don’t like someone, you’re not turned on by them, you’re uncomfortable, whatever, you have every right to just tell them flat out that you don’t want to participate in what they have in mind, and you don’t have to be all that nice about it - just firm. Your feelings are as important as theirs.

Good luck with the situation - hopefully, he’ll get the message and move on.

20

Yeah, I agree you need to tell him “no more contact” in a very firm and unambiguous way, then cut off ALL contact.
Since your profile on the dating site seems to be feeding his obsession, you may want to delete it/hide it for a while (as well as hiding any other websites he may have found through google-stalking you or whatever).
Is your voice on the answering machine? It’s possible he keeps calling just to hear your voice on the answering machine message. You may want to erase the personalized message and use the default mechanical voice for a while.
I definitely agree that you should tell the people at work, friends, etc. that this guy is bothering you (even if you don’t want to go into the details about it being a romantic thing, since sometimes heterosexuals end up with same-sex stalkers), so they’ll know to keep an eye out for him and know who to look for in the event that (God forbid) the stalker does something to try to hurt you. If possible, you might even want to consider staying with a friend for a while to be extra-cautious.
This guy really sounds creepy. I hope he leaves you alone soon.