A female friend of mine has an unwanted male who turns up ‘coincidentally’ at every pub and other venue that she visits. She did lend him her smartphone (in happier times) and thinks he is tracking her phone’s location via GPS. This sounds quite plausible in this Brave New World - can anyone advise how he might be doing this, and how she could prevent it? In the UK, if it makes a difference.
Hire someone to stalk him back, by following her at a comfortable distance, someone tough and intimidating, and at certain times and places at the enforcer’s choosing based on his intuition, have the enforcer jack the stalker up against a wall in an isolated, out-of-sight (non-public) place and deliver a very clear (and at this time, non-violently delivered) message: “Stay away from my very good friend Sally, or I will start breaking your fingers. I’ll be watching you, asshole.”
I’ve never had to deal with this situation but I think this approach would be effective. “Sally” could let the enforcer know, over time, if she sees the stalker again.
The enforcer could be a friend, or friend of a friend, so doesn’t necessarily have to be hired. I would think a rugby player would be a good choice for this, someone who is nice enough, and yet can be a badass when that is needed.
The enforcer could also be a tough, physical military soldier. I’m reminded of the USMC bumper sticker that says, U.S. MARINES: YOUR BEST FRIEND. YOUR WORST ENEMY. Doesn’t have to be a Marine, of course, but the saying fits the solution I’m suggesting.
I think echo7tango’s advice is terrible. I hope you don’t pass it on to your friend. I don’t really have any advice since I don’t know the history between these two people. In some cases I might suggest she speak to him about it, but in other cases not. So, not enough information. But hiring someone to make threats is sure to escalate this in a way that will not help anything.
How about she turns off the GPS on the phone to test and see if that is how she is being tracked in the first place.
I think it’s good advice! Some people like this stalker have no social graces and don’t communicate like normal peopl doe. My offered suggestion would deliver a clear message. And I doubt that someone like the stalker here would retaliate with any escalation. Stalkers are spineless wimps looking to prey from afar (initially, anyway) someone who they think is weaker. Nip it in the bud, now, with this clearly-delivered message.
Of course, it’s up to Staggerlee and the friend on how they choose to proceed.
I see I’m the first one in to recommend the book: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Your friend should follow his advice. In a nutshell, that advice will probably be: “Don’t engage the stalker in any way at all, if possible. Ignore, avoid, Ignore, be as boring as possible. Any kind of interaction, be it a friendly plea to leave you alone, or telling him to f* off, will buy you six more months of stalking”.
Tracking software that runs invisibly could be installed on the phone especially if they had physical access to it.
This article gives a few good tips. The surest of which is doing a factory reset of the phone.
I disagree. Besides being a good way to endanger everyone in the situation, most especially Staggerlee’s friend, I’m pretty sure that “jacking someone up against a wall” and threatening them would be considered illegal in the UK as it would in the US.
Every time he turns up she should call the police. Tell them some guy is stalking her. She is afraid, very afraid.
Info here re removal. It’s tedious but not complicated.
If there is no tracking software have friend send the phone to another pub and see if he shows up where the phone is or where she is.
If it’s not the phone it may just be randomness. There are people I know who spend a LOT of time in local bars and pubs. It’s practically their hobby. When I go out occasionally I often run into them. It may just be chance if he’s a much more devoted scenester than she is.
I read that book. The gift of fear.
Started questioning everyone in my life I had known, I know, and everyone I started to come in contact with after reading it.
Now I forgot everything he wrote and suggested.
It looks like it’s mentioned in the article astro linked to, but the best course of action would be to do a factory reset on the phone. Back up the contacts, reset the phone, reload the contacts and apps. The whole thing will probably take a half hour to an hour and then some playing around to get it back to the way she wants it.
Also, while she’s at it she needs to change the password for her phone’s online access. That didn’t make sense. What I’m saying is, you don’t need an app on the phone to do that. For example, I can go online and “Locate my phone” with nothing more then my password. My dad has an iPhone. I can Locate his iPhone because I happen to know his password. She needs to change whatever the password is that allows access to that setting. That’s probably what he’s using.
I don’t know about the iPhone, but on my Android I did have to put an app on the phone before I could use that feature.
Oh, and if she wants to see if it’s random or not, she could try leaving her phone at home or trading it with someone that’s going somewhere else and seeing if he shows up there.
Is it time for a phone upgrade? That could work.
Just turning off the phone when out and about will also work.
I do like the idea of trading phones with someone else a few times to see if the dude shows up.
It’s also possible that it isn’t the phone at all. If she has a car, he could have installed a tracking device on it. That would be a very serious, and probably dangerous, stalker. If the phone tricks don’t work, try taking a cab or riding with someone else.
Most people don’t vary much in their habits - if she goes to the same three pubs, the same gym, the same grocery store every week… it’s not rocket surgery finding someone where they usually are.
Does she see this person in places she doesn’t normally go?
Moderator Action
While some factual responses are possible, this is more of an advice question than a factual question and as such is better suited to IMHO.
Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion.
Also, please refrain from suggesting illegal responses to this situation. From the SDMB registration agreement:
If you aren’t sure, you can discuss whether a particular action is illegal. But once you are aware that it is illegal you cannot suggest or encourage it.
No warnings issued.
No, its about the worst advice possible. Ok, the worst advice would be to start dating him. You come in second. When someone is the victim of a crime the best advice is not to go out and commit a more serious crime. (stalking vs assault (possibly aggravated), improper restraint, terroristic threats and conspiracy to start with). Stop giving advice you are really bad at it.
All good advice. I would probably just get a new phone on top of changing passwords.
Being in the UK makes a big difference. I have no idea what the stalking laws are there. In my state there are protections beyond what harassment would have. For instance its one of the few non-domestic violence statutes* that you can get a restraining order for. Your friend needs to go to the police. She can put in a report so that it is documented. They can explain the law to her. She may proceed further or not. But that is the first step. One of the elements to stalking is that it is repeated behavior. If down the road she decides to push for charges it would be easier if she has multiple reports.
*Just to clarify since this is GQ. Stalking is a crime listed under our domestic violence statutes. However it is only a DV if there had been a prior or current relationship. You can certainly be stalked by someone you never had a relationship with. If thats the case it is still a crime but it does not fall under the DV statute. Which is what is happening here.
ETA was writing response and did not see the post by robomod.
That won’t work. With my Google password I can load apps from a computer to my phone (or tablet) without physical access to my phone. There’s plenty of times where I find an app that I want on my tablet (while I’m at work) so I send it over. When I get home it’s been downloaded and installed.
The actual ‘native’ “Locate My Phone” app that’s part of the Android system requires some user input (mostly to verify that the person installing it has physical access to the phone) but I’m sure others don’t.
I’d imagine that Apple (and other) devices are somewhat similar.
TL;DR You can wipe the device or buy a new one but if you keep the same Gmail or iTunes password I can still reload a nefarious app or track your phone from thousands of miles away if I know that password. Start by changing the password. Just getting a new phone is like breaking up with a scary ex-boyfriend but only changing one of the locks on your house and leaving the other one the same.
Thanks for all this. I’ll certainly pass on the technical advice. The problem with involving the police would be that (AFAIK) he doesn’t actually lurk around her house (though he recently moved house to live quite close by!), and presumably it’s not illegal to ‘happen to’ frequent the same nitespots.
She does go out a lot, to various places - promotes events and things sometimes - so isn’t too habitual, which makes him popping up rather creepy.
She is friends with a massive ex-army chap, but I really can’t see how introducing threats of violence into the equation will help…
Stalking laws are different so I can’t say about the UK. Maybe some Brit law-type person will see this. In my state it does not have to involve lurking around her house. Stalking is define by statute as purposefully or knowingly engaging in repeated conduct that would cause a reasonable person to fear for their safety or the safety of someone else or if it causes them to suffer emotional distress. Nothing about a private dwelling or a specific behavior. To me, as a reasonable person, if someone repeatedly showed up at any random place I happened to be at I would suffer emotional distress.
She should go to the police and let them know before it escalates. And as I said before, committing a crime in order to stop the behavior is not a good idea. So no threats of violence.
In the real world social sets where people circulate people tend to stick with what is familiar and the chances that two young, single people of approx the same ages and in the same social sets would be constantly running into other at bars and other scenes around town is pretty high, especially if one is out socializing a lot more than the other. It could easily seem like they are always there. The real world chances of this being a stalking scenario via GPS are probably fairly tiny.
Have her and friend go to out of the way bars and see if he pops up.
As a side note there are also a lot of people who are seemingly normal but are simply constitutionally paranoid and weave conspiracies out of random happenstance. You know your friend better than we do re whether she has this tendency…
Can the police check the phone to see if anything was installed on it? That would be step one for me. Walk over to a police station, tell them a guy has been showing up in the same clubs, you gave him your phone once, and now you think it might have spyware.
If they can’t, ask them what you should do in this situation.
If they say or do nothing, then get a new phone.
If the guy still shows up, then ignore him. If he tries to talk to you, then tell him you don’t want to talk to him. Be clear. If he keeps talking, walk away. If he follows you, then call the police, and get a report. Repeat.