A co-worker and friend of mine has a stalker after her. He was a boyfriend of hers once-upon-a-time (year or more ago) and she broke-up with him but clearly he is not accepting that message.
Over the past year or so he has continued to pursue her. Unfortunately he has always managed to stay just on the side of not quite breaking any laws sufficient for police to take action. That has not stopped him from showing up at her place randomly, e-mails, calls and so on. To make matters more difficult he is a foreign (not US) citizen. As such she perversely is finding legal action against him even more difficult.
He left the country awhile but has now returned (his family has money so he pretty much travels at will with no issues like keeping a job). He is staying in a hotel near her place, roaming around outside her place all weekend and now just showed up at our place of work. Security stopped him from getting in (they were forewarned) but still…the creepy factor is really notching up.
My co-worker has contacted the Chicago police, the FBI and the State Department (at least) over the course of the year. She is giving the police a statement as I write this and she is at every turn calling law enforcement when he shows up or does something new. Unfortunately the answer to her is always essentially, “We can’t do anything, call the police/FBI/State Department/lawyer (anyone not us)”.
So I figured I would ask here since you lot know everything. The usual disclaimers apply that this is only a message board for our entertainment and all that. Advice is welcome just the same. Police in particular seem surprisingly reluctant to do anything which really stinks (he showed up over the weekend with candy and they told her that does not seem particularly threatening :rolleyes:).
Are there any women’s shelters or support organizations you can contact? If so, they should be able to offer advice and counseling. At the same time they would know how to deal with the police since it sounds like the various law enforcement authorities prefer to take a not my problem attitude.
I can’t help much (being on another continent and all), but I can recommend this book. Buy it. It’s probably best source of practical knowledge regarding stalkers and what to do being stalked.
This is what really burns about it all. It might be one thing if this was just a once-off occurrence but it is not. It has been progressing for quite some time and she has been pointing this out to them at every turn. A quote from the book puppygod just provided:
"People don’t just “snap” and become violent, says de Becker, whose clients include federal government agencies, celebrities, police departments, and shelters for battered women. “There is a process as observable, and often as predictable, as water coming to a boil.”
That is what is most concerning here I think. This guy will not give up. How long before he escalates and something truly awful happens? At the least you think the US could take the opinion that while they cannot lock him up he is a foreign citizen with a history of harassing a US citizen and is therefore not welcome in the US any longer.
She should not have any contact with the guy in any way after telling him, ONCE, not to ever speak to, call, or contact her in any way again. (Ideally this would be via email or some other method that leaves a trail, or in front of witnesses.) Telling him every time he calls not to bother her any more is rewarding him with interaction, which is what he wants. After the single instruction (which provides a legal basement for a harassment or stalking complaint), don’t respond to him in any way.
Tell her to start keeping a detailed record of every contact that the guy has with her. Save every email, IM, text message, etc. Keep a log of every call attempt, save every voicemail message. Try to unobtrusively take pictures or video of him hanging around outside the house, or at least take note of it with specific times and details. Keep any ‘gifts’ or take photos of them for evidence if they won’t last (eg flowers.) Keep a copy of any security report from work when they stopped him from entering. You get the idea. Once she’s built up a consistent record of his stalking, law enforcement may take her more seriously.
She ought to vary her patterns of movement as much as possible, so that he won’t be able to show up places and expect her to be there. Does she normally buy her groceries on her way home from work at X store? Maybe she ought to try going on the weekend at store Y.
Also, restraining orders work differently in different locations, and I’m not familiar with those in Illinois. Look into those, and see how she could go about getting one.
I do not have the full story on this but apparently a restraining order is not something easily done in this case (she has tried she says). He is a foreign citizen and has no actual residence here (staying in hotels). Somehow, someway that apparently makes the whole process (serving him with papers, getting him to court, etc.) a problem that has managed to preclude this route.
I told her many months ago to log every action he takes in some fashion. I think she is.
The police are not nearly as nice as played on “Law N Order.” They just don’t give a damn. Your in Chicago, land of the most corrupt government and lawmen in the US of A. Better quit waiting on them. Your friend is going to get hurt…
One thing you might try is to offer the following to him - and a lot of this depends on you and him: Tell him you understand that he feels a need to at least say something to you, let him know that you will accept one email/letter from him no earlier then one week from today (to make sure he says everything he wants, let it be as long as he wants). Let him know that you are probably not in a place in your life to receive that message at this time, but you will read it and you will also put it away to read it in the future, in exchange for this he recognizes that at this time he is go go forward with his life without you.
Dude - that was uncalled for. Seriously - not cool. Whack-a-mole - here are a couple of places that you can talk to that might help her get started in the best direction.
The first is in Palatine, WINGS (Women in need growing stronger) and they may be able to point her to some resources/help.
The second is the CAWC (Connections for Abused Women and their Children) and they may also know what number she can call or what she needs to do to get help.
She could always take the step of hiring a couple of guys to beat the piss out of him. Mess him up a little, give him a warning of what’ll happen if complaints are heard about his conduct towards “an anonymous ex-girlfriend” again.
Do you seriously think this has any possibility of producing a positive outcome? This is awful advice. It’s not the worst thing she could do, but it’s pretty close.
Completely not helpful but maybe something to hope for…but is he coming in from a country with a Visa Waiver program? Where he can freely come and go into the country without the need for an official Visa. If so…often times if they notice the person is spending much more time in the US than out of it, the border officials will deny entry to the US. If he’s not from a VW country, perhaps there’s some conditions on his Visa that he might be violating and thus give your friend something to work with?
This is not my area of law, and I am not offering legal advice. Here are some suggestions:
She needs to hire a competent lawyer (if she doesn’t have one already) who has experience dealing with both serving transient people and with stalkers. There are ways in most states to get emergency service out for these kind of people.
She should contact her Federal Representative or State Legislator. These people may be able to push the State Department into investigating the man for possible visa violations.
She should look into hiring a private investigator–but she needs to do this in consultation with her lawyer. And make sure the PI is instructed not to violate any laws. This way she can compile evidence for a restraining order or visa violations.
The suggestion above about contacting a woman’s shelter is a good one. She needs to actively work on tracking down resources that can help her.
Tell your friend good luck!