I was a child of the ‘70’s Wild and free. During that time, I encountered a man 10 years older than myself. We had a relationship that lasted 2 years- he didn’t want a commitment, but I did. I shall call him “T” I married some-one else, and went off to share my life with him. After 15 years of marriage, we divorced. Then I met the love of my life, Gary- well to cut to the chase, Gary and I have been together for 9 years, and into my workplace "T’ shows up- he has been searching documents at the courthouse to find me, he has been looking for me( My 1st husband was military-hard to trace) I am not flattered and make that clear to him- He calls my home- once again I make it clear that I am NOT interested-he suggests that if my husband " Were out of the picture you might be"-Right now, he lives 72 miles away, but today announced he may take a job in my city- any suggestions?
Change your number. Make it unlisted. Make sure people at your workplace know that he is NOT a friend and not to be allowed in to see you.
Try not to ‘live in fear’, I suppose, just do all you can to keep creepy boy away from you.
Also, a little preemptive planning would be to find out what is required by law to get a restraining order in your state, and what constitutes stalking so you will know if/when he crosses the legimitate line.
It’s been over 20 years! I have to wonder if this guy’s lid has been flipped or what.
Good luck, and please stay safe.
As my grandmother used to say, “nothing takes the fight out of a man like a sucking chest wound”.
You will have to shoot him.
I am only partially kidding. Arm yourself, and tell your husband. I’m tired of all these stalker stories. 99% could be quickly and easily solved with a good beating. He needs to know that there are consequences to his behaviour.
Ok. My first instinct here is creepy. It’s been at least 25 years since you’ve seen this guy, and now he won’t leave you alone? Make sure your husband knows about this, in case “T” decides to do something stupid, to either one of you. And the next time he calls, inform him politely that if he calls again, you’re going to consider it harrassment and call the police.
sounds like a veiled threat to me. Perhaps I am unnecessarily suspicious, but take no chances. And if there’s any security at work that he would have to pass through to see you, inform them that he’s not to be allowed in to see you.
Like I said, creepy.
I don’t remember where I heard this, but it has stuck with me:
“If you tell a stalker to go away ten times, you’ve spoken to them nine times too many.”
Stalkers can’t be reasoned with, they’re not in reality in the first place. They also tend to consider ANY kind of interaction as being part of whatever funky “relationship” they have with their prey in their head.
I agree with the other posters, legal means are your best bet, and educate yourself, right away.
How to get a restraining order in Idaho
A self-defense class and a nicely charges taser or bottle of mace doesn’t hurt either.
Here’s some info from Survivors of Stalking, Inc., Gavin de Becker, Inc. and the Los Angeles Police Dept., Threat Management Unit. Their full set of recommendations can be found here, but the general gist of things goes like:
Take this situation seriously. Go to the cops. Read the rest of that site, there’s some good advice there. And get more information from the police.
Good luck.
What ever you do, take this threat seriously. If someone is obsessed with you after this amount of time, he has a really serious problem.
I’ve been involved in a couple of stalking situations, and the tact I take has been to state, emphatically, that I wanted no more to do with the person, and then to never, ever speak with them again. (mind you, this has been about reletively short term situations, cut short before any real obsession could build).
This man has had years of building fantasies around you, and will probably have a huge emotional stake built up. Go to the cops and watch your back. You are potentially in a very dangerous situation. Do not, ever, talk to him again, not to explain, not for anything. It just adds fuel to his delusions. Show no emotion of any kind, not fear, exasperation, or annoyance towards him. Don’t try to reason, just go into robot mode, and say no. And hang up the phone. If he approuches you in person, act the same way. Act like a stranger. Show no emotion, and say you have to go. Then call the cops. But make sure you know he’s not going to do something to you when you turn and walk away from you.
It’s really, really horrible to deal with this. I hope it’ll blow over quickly; best wishes to you.
For christs sake, can’t anyone try to rekindle an old relationship without being called a stalker?
When he starts trying to peek at you through the opaque window in the shower, that’s when it’s time to get worried.
I’m no expert, but MrVisible seems to have good advice.
My only experience with a stalker was mild, and a two-hour conversation about reality was sufficient to end it.
Well, come to think about it, I thought it ended it, but she showed up last weekend at a tavern where I was enjoying a frosty beverage and has since resumed sending me whiny e-mails (in which she admits that she went there because she knew I’d be there), but I feel certain I have nothing to fear and she’ll back off shortly. (No, I’m not answering the e-mails.)
Again, take MrVisible’s advice.
And Blalron, trying to rekindle an old relationship is not usually done by showing up unannounced at the person’s place of employ and making comments about having tried to find him/her for 20-some years. Here on Earth, we start with a phone call.
Tell him you hate his guts. Tell him he turns your stomach. Tell him that if he was the last man on face of the earth, you’d go lesbian. Tell him you’d sooner date George Bush, or George Steinbrenner, or curious George.
Then bust one of his knees with a ball bat.
Call the police, file a restraining order for both you and your husband, and make sure that both of you are armed and able to defend yourselves in some way.
If he does actually try to harm you, the restraining order will serve as more evidence in your favor should either you or your husband be attacked by this guy and have to shoot him.
Let the restraining order do the talking. Other than informing this guy that you have contacted the police and filed a restraining order, do not give him any attention, not even negative. Anything you say to him, even if it’s ‘I hate you’ will be interpreted as ‘She wants to talk to me.’
Stalkers will take anything they can get, and will take your negative attention as a sure sign that you want them in your life. If he calls, hang up and call the police. If he’s near your house, call the police. If he follows you, call the police. The more of this behavior you can document by police involvement, the faster you can get him away from you. Have your husband do the same thing, since he has also been threatened.
Good luck.
Spooje, I’m getting sick of your suggestions of violence. Part of living in a civilised society is that one does not take the law into his own hands. Give so more meaningful advice or fuck off.
UnuMondo
Fuck off yourself. You’d rather she change her name and go into hiding? Move? Get restraining orders? How effective do you think that’ll be?
Let the police handle it? They can’t do shit till he actually threatens her with violence, and stalkers are usually too smart to do that. And even if they do, the cops STILL can’t do much. Have you ever seen the shows on stalkers on A & E?
The civilized approach don’t work. Never has
I don’t normally advocate violence as a solution to problems. But, this is one of the exceptions. Talking about civilized society is irrelevant, because stalkers are NOT civilized. They are pure, animal predators that do not recognize any constraints on their behavior. Spooje’s point in his inital reply, that “He needs to know that there are consequences to his behaviour”, is dead on target. If you do a little reading on sociopathic killers/rapists, you will find that most of them led “charmed” lives, and never suffered any serious consequences for their evil actions until, and unless, they were caught and convicted. Spooje apparently understands this, and expects others to, as well. So he used shorthand, rather than a verbose explanation.
His advice was very meaningful. If you didn’t understand it, that’s unfortunate. You’re welcome to disagree with it, and AubreyAnn is welcome to ignore it, but telling him to “fuck off” was uncalled for.
While I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to bust a stalker in the knees with a baseball bat, I do somewhat agree with Spooje.
You can’t really talk about how things happen in a civilized society when you’re dealing with a stalker - a person who most certainly does not live in civilized society. Being armed and ready to defend yourself at the first physical move a stalker makes towards you is a really, really good idea. You’ve gotta be somewhat careful not to say anything that’ll make it look like you were planning violence should you ever have to defend yourself, but I don’t think it would hurt to let someone know there are dire consequences to the action of harming you. Living in a self-imposed prison is still living in a prison, no matter how plush the place is.
I’ve had a problem with a psycho before, someone who followed me around until I let him know that not only would I get a restraining order, I’d enforce it myself. I made it pretty plain that I carried a weapon and that approaching me in violation of the restraining order put me in ‘reasonable fear for my life’. There are instances in which flight doesn’t remove the danger, and being stalked is one of them.
I have to agree with spooge, in part.
I was stalked by a guy that was so full of delusion that eventually he truly thought we were married. Even after months and months of bullshit and restraining orders, he still had someone call me to see if he could “come home”. He had told this person we were married and having a trial separation and that he missed me and his son. Weird thing is, is that “his son” was born 7 years before I even met the guy.
After the restraining order, the guy knew how far he had to stay away from me but it didn’t stop him from parking down the street from my house or office in a spot that I would be sure to see him. It didn’t stop him from sending dozens and dozens of flowers to me anonymously or from “your loving husband”. Earlier in his flower sending campaign but before the restraining order, he once stood in my office that was filled with the many flowers he had delivered that day and said loudly (he had a HUGE booming voice) “Ahhhh, you look so beautiful with all the flowers, just like you’ll look on our wedding day.” he then leans down and whispers “Or your funeral”.
It was a fucking nightmare and it didn’t help that he is a 7’7" WCW pro-wrestler. I couldn’t threaten him with an ass kicking and he tested the limits of the restraining order. It was only when a cop friend of mine threatened him with a bullet to the gut did the guy finally leave town and go back to his home 2400 miles away. It still took months and caller ID and blocked calling service to get rid of him completely (or at least I hope).
As uncivilized as it sounds, sometimes the threat of violence is the only way to get through to these nuts.
Another “agree with spooge”.
A restraining order meant diddly to one of my ex husbands; the jail time was pretty meaningless to him as well. The places where he broke my face still hurt at times, though.
Civilized? Are you SERIOUS??
(sigh)
Here is a long and sad tale of the stalker of my sister.
This started when I was 15. My brother played on a softball team and he talked my sister into being their score keeper. My sister had gotten divorced and had a young son. After a game at a team party she strikes up a conversation with one of the other players. (let us call him Ron) He is a friend of my brother and she knows that about 6 months previous he was, quite literally, left standing at the altar.
They talk for a bit and go on one date. Near the end of the date Ron starts to plan the wedding. He is not kidding. He completly believes that he and my sister are getting married. She tells him no thank you and the stalking begins.
Phone calls
He would call and say nothing or simply hang up.
Following
My sister had moved back in with our parents (I still lived at home) after her divorce. She worked nights and Ron followed her to work every night and home every morning. He followed her to take her son to pre-school. He pretty much folled her everywhere she went. Police shrugged their collective shoulders and said “He can drive on public streets”.
Vandalism
He started vandalism as a way to force contact. For example, he might slash her tire while she was at work and then when she came out he would conviently pull up and offer to change it for her. Once we cam out and ‘someone’ had rammed her car. All four doors had been hit by another car. (gee I wonder who did that) Of course that was a problem because without a witness…
Several of Ron’s friends told him to stop it. Begged him to stop it. Ordered him to stop it. He might slack off for a while but he would always come back.
About two years later
We lived on a dead end street that had a circle at one end. We lived about halfway up the street. Ron would go park there and wait for my sister to leave for work. One night my dad decided to go and ‘talk’ with Ron. (He had no intention of hurting Ron. He wanted to talk to him. We basically all felt sad for him as he really need help. I was in my freshmen year at college so I wasn’t home that night) Anyway my mom told me that she from our yard she saw Ron’s car sort of jerk around and then it tore down the street at high speed. My dad was hanging/caught in the drivers window and was being dragged. Ron turned right at the corner and my dad went rolling off. About 20 mins later on while the police were taking him to the hospitable he had a massive heart attack and died.
Ron plea bargained for manslaughter and was give one year probation and told to start thearpy. (you know, it was his first time in trouble with the law and all)
AubryAnn
My advice to you is to TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY STARTING RIGHT NOW He has basically threatened your husbands life. At some point some sort of crisis will happen. Your Gary will get fed up and go to ‘talk some sense into him’ and who knows what will happen. Maybe Gary will kill him. Not on purpose but in a fight you never know what will happen.
Please understand this.
THIS MAN IS INSANE.
I don’t suggest confronting him at all. Get the police involved today. Most states have stalker laws now. (at the time OK did not) Get the restraining order and get the cops to talk to him.
Caller ID blocking. A wonderful point. Never, ever pick up a phone call from him, either.
I once read an account of a woman who had a stalker who would wait in the bushes outside her house in order to make contact. She never answered the phone when he called and she let all her neighbors know about her situation and carried an airhorn. When he approached her, she blew the horn and all the neighbors came running. Eventually, he gave up and, I suppose, went onto his next victim.