Stalkers-have one? I do- Advice please?

The BBQ Pit
21

If T had left her alone after the first time AubreyAnn told him she wasn’t interested you might have a point, Blalron.

Still, it’s extremely rude to show up at her job uninvited and could have gotten her into trouble. If nothing else it shows T to only care about himself and his needs. If he truly cared about her and respected AubreyAnn, he’d have not jeopardized her job.

Reading the OP, it’s clear that AubreyAnn told him she wasn’t interested. T persisted and was told again she wasn’t interested. T responded with a veiled threat against Gary. T later called AubreyAnn again, after she’d made it clear twice contact with him was not desired, and said he was considering moving to town.

It’s clear to me T is stalking her. It’s also clear AubreyAnn feels the same way. This is a serious and potentially dangerous situation and she does not need it to advance to the Peeping Tom stage for it to be stalking.

AubreyAnn, do get the police involved immediately. Some states require previous reports of behavior before a stalking charge can be legally made. Insist the officer take at least an information report from you, one for each incident in order to document things. Keep a personal journal of contacts as well, to include witnesses, what was said, dates, times and locations. I hope T leaves you alone and you’re safe.

22

Idaho’s Stalking Law and Definitions.

Below is why I suggested reporting it immediately and reporting each incident separately:

23

I (personally) would be armed from that point on and would gladly put a bullet into anyone who tried to hurt/kill my husband. I would take that threat as seriously as if he’d put a gun to his head. Call the police and report this immediately. Mr Matthew is right- you need to make sure you establish a pattern of conduct with this.

24

I hope that the posts following yours have shown you what a fucking idiot you are.

25

Well, y’know, if I were interested in beginning something romantic with some female, I would take into account that CREEPIN’ HER OUT is prolly a bad way to get her interested.

I have known guys who did not know this, though. And a couple who didn’t care. This did not make them stalkers. It did make them assholes, but once it became clear they weren’t gettin’ any, they’d move on. At least one had to be threatened, but he, too, moved on.

…but when they don’t… when they keep coming back, and back, and back… well… it’s not a relationship. It’s a power issue, at the very least, and it may well be the tip of the iceberg as far as his delusions go (see previous posts in this thread for examples).

The bottom line is this: The cops will NOT protect you. At least, not unless one is willing to hang out at your place, and at your job, and so on and so forth.

A restraining order will NOT protect you. Period. All it does is give the cops an excuse to bust him if he violates it. And that’s assuming the cops are willing and able to do so.

The law will NOT protect you. All it will do is punish HIM after he does something. And that’s assuming he gets caught, and there is evidence.

That leaves a variety of choices. Reason. Compulsion. Ball bats. And guns, of course.

I personally vote for “whatever works.”

Just don’t expect the cops, or the law, or the restraining orders, or whatever, to slow this asshole down. They will either stop him cold… or affect him not in the least.

Be prepared for BOTH possibilities.

26

I would just like to warn against any non-defensive confrontation or violence. If someone were to go kick his ass, for instance, or fuck up his car, he would then be able to paint himself as the victim and try to use the law to his own advantage as a means to exert control over his target or her family.

Get a restraining order for sure. Carry some mace in your purse. if you’re going to carry a firearm, make absolutely sure that you are trained with, are comfortable with it and will not freeze if you have to pull the trigger.

I would take the threat against your husband very seriously. Talk to the police.

27

Sad as it is, Wang-Ka is right on the money … the cops will NOT protect you, a restraining order will NOT protect you, and the law will NOT protect you. As it is, the system forces victims to protect THEMSELVES.

If I hadn’t experienced stalking first hand, I might have thought Spooje was being a little too flippant about a serious issue. However, since I lived through a nightmare of court appearances, 911 calls, and lawyer bills, I agree completely.

Get yourself some mace, keep a baseball bat behind your front door AND in your car, sign up for caller-ID immediately, and be alert and prepared at all times. Hope for the best … but prepare for the very, very worst.

In my case, it was an ex-boyfriend. I moved out of our apartment five years earlier because he was a complete loser … unemployed, perpetually stoned, frequently violent … you guys know the type. It started innocently enough when he showed up at my work, said he missed me terribly, and asked if I would want to have dinner. I politely told him no … and it went downhill very fast from there.

Let’s see … pages and pages of creepy notes on my car, flowers delivered constantly, driving around my block all night, following me to work, messages on my answering machine (… "you just won’t listen … if I could just get you alone, I could make you LISTEN … I saw you with him … if I can’t have you … "), calling my parents and threatening them AND me … I mean, Jesus … imagine your worst nightmare and he was it.

I went to court and got a restraining order … he quit his job so he couldn’t be served. I went BACK to court and requested he be served as his mother’s house where he was living … they HID him. Jesus! My boyfriend at the time left me … said it was too “intense” … my employer said I must need therapy because I would sit at my desk and shake … the cops agreed he was a dangerous menace … but said there was nothing they could do … they couldn’t even catch the bastard to serve him!

How did I get rid of him? One night when he was stalking around my apartment complex, I called my “black sheep” cousin … who parked down the street, snuck around back, beat the living shit out of him, and said he’d kill him if he ever came back.

Want to know the twist? Fast forward ten years … my best friend called to tell me he was on the front page of the paper. The federal marshalls had hunted him down and arrested him for attempted murder. His wife was in intensive care … he beat her so badly she almost died.

And you know what I can’t stop thinking? Why didn’t I stop him when I had the chance? Late one night, I pulled into the alley behind my apartment to pull into the parking lot … and there he was … riding his bike down the alley. I wanted to hit him … seriously … I … wanted … to … hit … him. I lost my boyfriend, my privacy, and nearly my job and my sanity … and I wanted it to stop.

I didn’t … I stopped, pulled into my lot, and called the police (again.) Now looking back … I should have … I really should have. I could’ve saved that woman from nearly being killed … and saved their three kids from WATCHING him do it to her. That weighs heavily on me.

AubreyAnn … seriously … hope for the best … prepare for the very, very worst.

28

May I make another suggestion? Call it “spooge Lite.”

Power and intimidation are two of the things that real stalkers appear to get off on. However, in my experience, they are also highly responsive to the same when it is directed back toward them.

AubreyAnn, you know this bastard better than we do. In fact, you know him so well you might not be quite aware of the power you potentially hold over him.

What sorts of things do you know about him? His full name? His birthdate? Perhaps other important pieces of personal information about him which should never be shared with anyone else and certainly shouldn’t be used against him in an illegal fashion?

Start with a Google search on his name. What has the fellow been up to since you last saw him? Has he done time? Is he on probation? Is he a known sex offender? Do you know where he lives? Can you find out without asking him?

Assemble a dossier on the SOB. Find some dirt on him. Then find his family and friends and any dirt you can find on them.

Do not do this yourself, but if you had the help of a friend–one whom he doesn’t know–you could perhaps turn the tables on him by following and photographing him–particularly if he’s following you. If the law offers such small protection from stalkers, then the law certainly won’t mind if your friend also finds and photographs members of your stalker’s family, and his friends, his place of work, et cetera.

If the problem persists, a very carefully constructed copy of the information you have on the fellow might just have to anonymously show up in his mailbox–or someone else’s, like his employer’s or his girlfriend’s, or the police’s. Or maybe it can be presented to him in person by persuasive people who can help work the problem out to your mutual satisfaction.

Start now. Assemble as much as you can about him. And if you have to, use that information as a weapon against him.

29

So that’s 3 times he has pestered you? Your OP is unclear about how you communicated your displeasure with him. Did you make a face or did you clearly communicate your displeasure? This is not the time for subtleties. Be very clear, “T, I do not wish to re-kindle our relationship in any way whatsoever. I want you to leave me alone. No more phone calls, no more visits to my office. If you continue to call me, I will involve the police.”

If he continues to call, do not engage in a conversation with him. You said that “today he announced he might take a position in my city.” He cannot announce anything if you do not give him an ear. Hang up.

Block his calls from your home and work phone, if you have the technology to do so.

If he persists, call the police. If you work for a large corporation, speak to someone in security and give them enough details so that they know what this guy looks like.

30

AubreyAnn, you have received some excellent advice. I know that this situation is terrifying for you. Sit down, take a deep breath and ponder over what has been said to you by the many people here who have responded to your post. You MUST take this threat seriously.
As you know, we know each other in real life. Feel free to give me a call at any time. You are one of my most cherished friends.

31

AubreyAnn: one of my sisters had her own stalker a few years ago. She was pretty much safe because her stalker was an inmate of a mental facility in Ireland but he did send her gifts and make harassing phone calls. She kept a log of everything he did and still has one of his boxes, unopened. I suggest you do the same as she did: [ul][li]Document all contact you have with this guy.[]Get callerID if you don’t have it already.[]Get anonymous call block if you don’t have it already.[]Get an answering machine of you don’t have one already.[]Whenver this guy calls, let your machine get it and keep the message as evidence.[]If he sends presents, do not open them and keep them as evidence.[]Once you have enough evidence on tape, change your number and have the new one unlisted.Take whatever evidence you’ve collected to the authorities.[/ul][/li]
Going to the authorities without enough evidence is probably a waste of time.

32

It may not protect you from the stalker. But if you have to use force to defend yourself, and there’s anything borderline about the legality of that, having the restraining order will tip the scales in your favor.

33

There’s nothing wrong with looking up an old flame.

But when the old flame tells you to go away and you don’t, you’re then a criminal. File a police complain. Then there is something official on paper. they may not have anything on him yet, but you will have something on record. Then when he shows up again, they’ll know what you’re talking about when you call 911. (many pds have an incidient file on their computers which corosponds with 911).

34

The problem is that spooje’s advice includes confronting said stalker.

Contact is the LAST thing you want. Telling him he’s a loser, you’re gay, whatever-that only encourages a stalker.

Let the law deal with it. See about the anti-stalking laws and good luck.

35

Thank you everyone for the vast array of advice, I appreciate the feeling of enpowerment I now have, knowing I don’t need to be a victim. I choose to be pro-active . Thank you again!

36

.** AubreyAnn **, this is a serious threat. Normal people do not behave this way. I will think of you,and your family,and pray for a quick end to this. Stay strong.

Does your workplace have video cameras? How good is the picture quality? Does he appear on film? If so,can you get a copy of what he looks like now?

Do go and get a restraining order,for yourself,your husband,and your children if you have any. As stated by other posters,it will tip the scales in your favor. It will get the cops to look twice when you are complaining,and it will make you the wronged party if there is a mutual confrontation. (Though as stated,you should avoid that,sometimes the creep forces one though.) Learn the laws of your state,and be prepared to stand up for yourself,and see to it that the cops follow them. (I had to,when I had a restraining order,I’m a survivor of marital abuse.)

Finding out about his possible criminal past is not a bad idea,it can help you in getting the restraining order,especially if he’s been convicted of a violent crime. It’s also a good idea to get the tag numbers of every car you see him driving,and to let your workplace/neighbors etc. know the car description,and numbers.

Document EVERYTHING that happens involving him. Buy a notebook,and number the pages. Give date,time,location and witnesses to each incident. If possible get the witnesses to write down their own version of what happened and sign it. (Maybe buy 2,one to carry on your person,and one to keep at home,so you can document incidents while they are “fresh” and get witness statements too?) Maybe see if your neighbors will keep a log of sightings in your neighborhood? Make certain they know to number the pages,and put the date and time down along with a description of what happened. It should be fairly precise. (Length of time they saw him parked car description,tag number,etc.) The reason I say to number the pages is,because it’s the method that the battered women’s shelter I was in used,to prove that no tampering occured. Their logs are pretty much considered unimpeachable evidence in court. (The pages are numbered,the time,and date occurs with each entry,and the worker on duty signs each one.)

Keep the restraining order on your person at all times,even if this means taking your purse into your own bathroom as you shower. Same for your husband,and make sure your children’s school has a copy too, along with a recent photo of him if possible.

Don’t speak to him anymore,but do record his rantings on your answering machine. Date each one,and catalog them. (Buy plenty of tapes.) Especially don’t speak to him once you know the restraining order has been served,in my state at least,that weakens your position. (A person who wants no further contact will not speak to the one they have the restraining order against in the law’s eyes here.) Call the police every time he tries to initiate contact etc. Get a police log of the activity too.

Especially make sure you are not outside alone with him,have someone escort you to your car if he’s parked nearby,and if he follows you,drive straight to the nearest police station.

Getting a gun is understandable,I’m nuetral on this one. Just remember,it could be turned against you. If you do get a weapon,make sure you are legal about it,get a license to carry concealed. (Don’t leave it in your car for him to take either.) Mace,and a tasar are good ideas,so is a self defense course. Make sure you learn how to properly use mace though,it’s pretty easy to mace yourself. I’d tighten your home’s defenses too.

Until this situation is resolved,I’d be as cautious as possible. Good Luck,we’re all hoping for a quick end to this for you.

37

File a complaint.

Get a restraining order.

Carry a disposable camera to document his forced encounters.

Keep a log of every single contact this person has with you.

Block his telephone number.

Explain how you would sooner be dragged through thumbtacks and dipped in rubbing alcohol than ever see him again.

Have some really nasty people find out where he lives and pay him a nonviolent but extremely intimidating visit.

38

In theory, I would agree. But not in practice. Seems to me that the stalkers are bringing the contact. (I certainly did not mean to imply that she seek this man out, but to confront him when he seeks her out.

See, here’s my theory. While I agree that these guys are nuttier than a fruitcake, they know what they’re doing. They are like bullys. They want, nay, NEED, someone they can push around. They choose their victims carefully. They choose essentially decent civilized women. Such women are rarely confrontational and expect people to be reasonable and play by the rules. They count on things like restraining orders to be effective. Heck, to a reasonable person, they would be effective.

But stalkers use your civility and respect for the rules to their advantage. And while stalking laws have come a long way, they still have a long way to go. Stalkers also seem to be favored by old fashioned mysogony, slow response time, brain-dead judges, plea bargains and overcrowded jails where they can slip through cracks. (at least in urban areas)

I believe that when you stand up to bully and let him know that win or lose, you’ll get your scrapes in, they move on to easier targets. I believe the same is true for stalkers. If you let him know that if he comes close, he’s gonna get hurt, he might try and find a less combative victim.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am.

39

Stalk the Stalker.

Hire an incredibly ugly, annoying, and unattractive person to follow him around and do the same thing to him as he is doing to you.

40

I wonder if that is possible, to fight terror with terror?

To turn the tables on the harasser?