Seriously, I don't think he's a stalker.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a friend who joined a gym. She’d been pretty happy with her experience there until this guy, let’s call him Larry, started talking to her. Normally, I can see where unwanted male attention could be discomfiting, especially if you’re just there at the gym to work out. But she’s talking about reporting him to gym management because she thinks he’s a stalker. I’m trying to think of a good way to tell her that I disagree with her (other than what I’ve already told her, which is: “Um, Kristin, I really don’t think that guy’s stalking you. I think he was just trying to be friendly. Besides, he’s got a girlfriend and has engaged in one conversation with you. Why don’t you just not talk to him again? I think you were unfriendly enough he probably won’t bother you anymore.”)

Here’s the sum of their one and only conversation.

Larry: “Hey, I noticed you and your husband recently joined the gym. There’s a trivia night coming up soon at my church. My girlfriend Cathy and I are going and we wondered if you were interested in coming, too? We’re new to the area, so we’re trying to find some other couples to hang out with.”

My friend says, “No. Don’t talk to me ever again.”

Larry: “Oh, I’m not trying to hit on you. I’m just being friendly. Like I said, that’s my girlfriend Cathy - see? She’s right over there.”

Friend: “I don’t care. Don’t talk to me anymore.”

Larry: “Actually, the reason I came over was because I got to talking with your husband and he said he might be interested in trivia night but he wanted me to ask you first.”

Friend: “Don’t talk to him again. I’m not interested. We’re not interested. That’s it. Leave me alone.”

Larry: “Um, okay. Sorry. 'Bye.”

So, normally this would be the end of the story. But my friend insists he keeps saying hi. She also says he looks at her. She’s told him to stop and says he’s still doing it. She also claimed that once when he was looking out the window, he was trying to see her license plates so he could follow her home. I asked if he knew what her car looked like and she said that she was sure he’d followed her to her car, even though she’s never actually seen him do it. Also, she’s never seen the guy without his girlfriend being near.

I think this behavior sounds really paranoid. He’s talked to her once (other than to say hi which is for some reason offensive) and he might be looking at her sometimes, to which she’s responded by essentially telling him - rudely - never to look at her again. And she saw him looking out the window. She insists that all of this is stalkerish behavior and, as I said, is planning on reporting him to management. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

All I can think is:

A) There’s something she’s not telling me.

B) She’s gone absolutely nuts.

Since she’s adamantly refused that A is true, my only option is B. Any thoughts on how to get through to her? Should I even bother? I’ve only been to her gym once and I’ve seen the guy and his girlfriend. They seemed normal and didn’t look at her any more than the usual zoned-out-while-working-out glance. She’s never behaved like this before, either. It’s kind of freaking me out.

2

Your friend is behaving very strangely. Ask her to articulate exactly WHAT she thinks stalking is and what he’s doing that fits that definition. Ask her to actually spell it out. Maybe she simply doesn’t know the definition of the word.

3

I’d ask her husband what’s going on. Chances are that he may be willing to impart more of the story than she is.

4

He might just be looking at her because he thinks she’s crazy. From this retelling she does sound a little nuts.

5

That’s really odd behavior. Other than her being a little crazy, the only explanation I can think of is that maybe there was something about his demeanor the first time he talked to her.

6

That’s what I’m thinking – he sees her and stares a second, thinking, “There’s that insane woman again. Jeez. Dodged a bullet there.”

7

Did Larry actually talk to her husband first, and did husband actually tell Larry to ask her about trivia night, as Larry claims?

If it’s true that he keeps saying “Hi” after she asked him not to, he’s probably kind of thick, but I don’t see him as a stalker.

8

Has she had other really bad experiences with men coming on too strong? The fact that her first response when he asked her about trivia night was, “Never talk to me again” suggests that. It doesn’t seem like a normal response to a fairly polite question.

9

Understatement of the week.

10

It’s an uncomfortable thing for some people, but the answer boils down to “no, means no.”

You’re friend needs to be blunt along the lines of “I have a boyfriend who prefers I not talk to men, I know it’s silly but I hope you’ll understand why I can’t speak to you anymore. I know it’s dumb, but it’s just easier than fighting.”

Then if he keeps it up, report him.

I see a bunch of guys at the gym, who don’t seem to do much but talk. And they aren’t hitting on women. They walk in, look at a machine, find a friend and start talking. There are times I see guys do NOTHING. I’m at the gym for 2 or 3 hours and they’re talking to everyone.

And it’s not a matter of hitting on people, they’re just gabbing along. I guess it’s sort of like going to bar for them. There not hurting anything, it’s just a form of socializing to them.

That’s why when I say “no, means no,” it’s simple, if you make it clear to someone not to talk to you, then they do it, it then is reportable.

If she can’t do that, I recommend a walkman. Just get it and wear it constantly. If he tries to talk to the woman, she should say “I’m sorry, this is a book on tape, I have to listen to for work. I hate to be rude, but I have to get this listened to by tomorrow.” Then she should walk away.

11

As this guy as already spoken to her husband, lying is unlikely to be the best way to go. Is she going to report this guy for saying “hi” to her?

12

But that’s not what she said. She said “Don’t ever talk to me again.” There is no interpretation I can put on that that’s not openly hostile. And since, all he ever said to her was “hi”, and she calls that stalking. That really doesn’t square with your interpretation.

13

My inner smart ass instead immediately thought “There’s that bitch that was rude to me for trying to be friendly. Now I’m really going to fuck with her head.” Then he wages his war of subtle head nods and half smiles and mouthed "hi"s until she cracks.

14

I don’t think we have enough data to know what’s going on. He should have left her alone the first very first time she told him not to talk to her, instead of persisting in trying to make friends. My impression of that conversation was that he might have been trying to recruit her for his church (that’s my suspicion of [i[anyone* I don’t know who wants me to vist their church), but the rest sounds like it could all be her imagination.

He keeps saying, “hi,” but some people are just pathologically friendly like that and can’t help themselves. Her belief that he’s “looking at her,” or that he tried to get her license plate number sound a little more paranoid. I’m usually one to give women the benefit of the doubt when they get the vibe that a guy is overly interested, but the license plate thing is a little out to lunchm as is the very abrubt manner in which she shut him down the irst time he tried to talk to her. She’s sounds a little paranoid. Do you know if she’s been messing with meth? That causes irrational fears like this. If not, she may have a mental health issue she needs to address.

Has she been irrational in any other ways? Has she been suspicious or accusing of others around her?

It’s not impossible that her radar is working fine, and the guy really is being creepy, but it’s hard to tell without more (and more objective) information.

Certainly, she has no case with the club for accusing him of harrassment or “stalking” based on this little evidence.

15

Jeez, I kind of feel sorry for the guy. He’s trying to make friends in their new hometown and this woman not only shuts him down, but is out of the way rude.

I think you need to find out if Larry did talk to her husband first.

16

That’s awesome.

17

About him looking at her, I tend to zone out at the gym when I am doing cardio. Sometimes I have caught myself “staring,” not really at anything, but have often wondered if I ever freaked anyone out…

18

Ah, that’s such a classic stalker ploy, hitting up women and their husbands for couples trivia night at church. Clearly the guy is up to no good.

19

Yeah. Apparently Larry gave the husband his card during their conversation, then came over and talked to my friend. The husband was initially interested in going out with Larry & his girlfriend, but had to go out of town on business that weekend. My friend refuses to talk to her husband about why she feels uncomfortable around him. She says her husband (who I’ve talked to maybe once or twice) is very possessive. So maybe that’s the issue.

The whole thing is so weird - she’s never been this paranoid sounding before, which is why I was wondering if there wasn’t something she didn’t tell me.

She got kind of annoyed with me when I was trying to clarify what happened. Mostly because I was so confused as to why this was stalking behavior that I was acting a bit on the thick side.

Me: “Um, wait a minute. You think he’s a stalker because he asked you and your husband to go trivia night?”

Her: “Well, yeah. He keeps looking at me!”

Me: “As in, leering at you? Or as in ‘I’m not touching you?’ Or maybe he’s just zoning out?”

Her: “No! And besides, I saw him at the window once. He was looking for my car so he could follow me home. I’m going to find out which one is his car and see if I can have a friend of mine run his plates. My friend used to be a cop, so he can do that.”

Me: “Ah, but doesn’t that make you a stalker if you run around trying to find out what his car looks like?”

Her: “No! He started this whole thing.”

Me: “Kristin, it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to stalk you. Maybe he came off weird the first time around - I wasn’t there, so I wouldn’t know - but I’d take what he said at face value. Maybe you should talk to Tom (husband) about this.”

Her: “No. Then I’d have to tell him why Larry makes me uncomfortable.”

Me: “Why is that again?”

Her: “Because he’s stalking me!”

And so on.

20

If she reports him to the club, they’ll probably ask why she thinks she’s being stalked. If all she has to offer as evidence is the conversations your presented, they’ll think she’s a loon.

She can show more disinterest with a polite “no thanks” and body language than she can with elaborate stories about books on tape and how her boyfriend prefers she not talk to other men- I don’t even know what that’s all about.

Sometimes it takes us a while to get the hint but if his interest is harmless, as the OP implies, he’ll eventually get the message. Consistency is key.