I work for the Department of State.
“Which state?”
Better yet, you all sit around and listen to the ringing and place bets about what might be the caller’s problem. If the wagering gets high enough to make it worthwhile, then you answer.
Have you noticed an uptick in treadmill questions of late?
I’m a magistrate. People usually get a puzzled look and ask, “How is that different from a judge?” But, consistent with the Straight Dope motto, I don’t mind explaining.
Why does everyone assume writers all produce novels? People sound disappointed that I’ve “only” written children’s books and technical nonfiction and magazine/newspaper articles. Then they say, “But I’ll bet you’re working on a novel now, right?” Yeah, because I won’t be a “real” writer until I’ve written a novel.
sigh
See, that one doesn’t strike me as a stupid question. I’ve been of legal drinking age for close to 30 years, and I’ve been in a lot of bars. When I was young and single, I’d go out to bars four or more times a week. I’ve visited a lot of bars in my time. And in all of those visits I’ve never seen anybody thrown out of a bar. My group was asked to leave once (we were harassing a bartender for not having closed captioning turned on and he got pissed at us), and I’ve been present one other time I can recall where someone was asked politely to leave.
Based on my personal experience, I would guess a bartender throwing someone out of a bar is probably as common as a cop shooting at someone. Perhaps I don’t drink in the kind of bar you tended.
When I say I’m a child support officer I usually don’t get questions. Instead I hear whines, rants, long drawn out stories about their sisters’ boyfriends’ cousins’ stepbrother who totally got screwed by the sysem, and comments about what a man-hater I must be.
So now I usually just say I work for the county, or in human services for the county. If a person asks me to be more specific I say “You know, human type stuff”.
When I worked for a bookstore: “Boy, you must read a LOT” Well, yes I do, but what does that have to do with anything? I also worked in a candy store and was not Augustus Gloop’s twin.
When I worked in a cutlery store: “Aren’t you afraid to cut yourself?” I’m more afraid of idiots playing with knives and cutting me. “OOhhh, a girl selling hunting knives? What do you know about hunting?” I don’t need to know about hunting - most people don’t use a knife to bring game down. I can tell you the best knife for whatever game you’re dressing though. I won’t even start on the truly hideous misogynistic questions I’d get with regularity.
fisha, what do you do? TheKid is super interested in weather, especially tornadoes.
Not too far from my world at cocktail parties. I’m a security analyst, specializing in a large bank’s wholesale banking division. In small words, I keep your money safe and available when and where you expect it to be. I can’t help the “how much” part, though.
You work in a warehouse? No. “Wholesale” is referring to huge-value customers like various states’ payroll accounts, corporations and absurdly wealthy individuals who maintain “private banking” relationships.
Who are your customers? Can you look up Bill Gates’ checkbook balance? This is the “I’d have to kill you” part. Just saying who banks with us can be a termination offense as it can get us into all sorts of regulatory grief with all of the consumer privacy laws. I have no idea where Mr. Gates banks, and I truly don’t care.
*Can you get me any samples of money? * Like I’ve not heard that fifteen times in the past hour.
*Can you fix my computer? It’s been really slow and it crashes all the time. * Yes, I could, but you won’t like how I do it or what I’ll charge you for it.
You carry a gun? Yeahhh… I need to defend myself from rabid passwords now and then. Nope. no guns in the building.
I’m in library school, learning to be a proper librarian. What I keep getting is:
“What, you need an education for that?”
:rolleyes:
Where do you think librarians come from, punk? Do you think they grow on trees? Fall down from the moon? Fuck, some of the librarians right down at your local public library probably have more years of higher education than your fucking doctor.
I have two “professions,” and I get a variety of odd responses.
- I’m a History student. I always get the “oh, I hate History” comments. I still don’t have a good response: “well, I… do?” I’ve now taken to defending my field as something significantly more complicated than people imagine it, since it is.
1a) I’ve applied to medical school. “You must be smart!” Well, no: anybody can apply. I haven’t been accepted, yet. The more logical question is “then why History as a pre-med degree?” The answer is that I love medical history, and plan on continuing to work in the field after (if) I get my MD.
- I’m a rental caretaker. That is, when people rent out school spaces when regular janitors aren’t working, I get pulled in at minimum wage so that the school system doesn’t have to pay the regular janitors overtime. My job consists of unlocking doors, sleeping/studying until the people leave, and sweeping up after them. A killer shift will see me having to take out and put away 100 chairs. I get all kinds of classist criticisms/looks/sniffs. It’s not frustrating, even if it is stupid. I’d prefer to be underestimated!
I work at a newspaper.
“Oh, you’re a reporter?”
No, I’m a page designer.
“…Oh.”
I should really just tell people I draw rectangles for a living.
I’ve got the same job as the OP (minus the engineer bit). I don’t get either of those questions, but I do get, “Oh. You must be really smart.” (answer - not really, I’m sort of a glorified cook) and “I hated chemistry in highschool.” (reply - I’m sorry to hear that; I think it’s pretty fun.)
And I *did * make drugs and enjoyed telling people that. The adults usually figured out that I meant the legal variety, but with 12yr olds on facility tours I usually got an, “Ooooooh!”
Now I make an interesting component of a commercially availble product that people don’t think of as having a whole lot to do with chemistry. It’s good conversation fodder.
I’m a petroleum engineer
“Why do you hate the Earth?”
Umm . . . I don’t I kinds need it to live.
“So are we running out of oil?”
Ya, in my life time no
And lately the one that really gets me
“Why don’t you lower the price of gas?”
I drill oil wells I have exactly nothing to do with gas prices heck my company has nothing to do with gasoline prices.
Yeah. I’ve published short stories, scripts, articles and other stuff for ten years but I still get “Oh, so you want to be a writer” - because I haven’t published a novel. Apparently I’m also not a real writer because I work in an office a couple of days a week. (Everyone knows that real writers live off generous inheritances or the profits of their bestsellers.)
“So when do we get to read your bestseller?”
or
“So can I read some stuff you’re working on? I bet I could help you out.”
or, my favourite
“So do you believe in science fiction?”
(edited for clarity)
“I buy wrecked cars for [insurance company name]” is pretty much all I say anymore in answer to the occupation question. “Claim Representative” is too vague.
But always the question is, “So I’ll bet you get wikkid good insurance rates, huh?” And in fact I do, but it’s because I haven’t run into anything in the last 25 years.
And in The Army I was an Arabic linguist in military intelligence. “Oh, know any secrets?” “Oxymoron!” and “Say something in Arabic!” to which I give the following stock answers: “Yes.” “No, you’re thinking of ‘Army Finance’” and “(Arabic for ‘something’)”–>'Huh, what’d you just say?" “‘something’”
Oh yeah, this one too.
When I worked Security at a major Distribution Center for a national retail chain, my mother kept asking when they’d have a warehouse sale. :rolleyes: No matter how many times I described the place* to her and said “NEVER”, she’d invariably ask again a month or so later.
- The building was a quarter of a mile on a side, racks higher than Sam’s Club, conveyer belts and scores of forklifts everywhere, 40+ truck internal bay, several hundred trailers parked outside…
No, they do not want the general public wandering around inside, dodging forklifts, getting injured by the conveyer belt system, playing with their equipment, exploring all the truck trailers.
You make meat? :eek:
I’m a writer, so I get the “novel” question a lot too.
I have yet to write a single word of fiction, but I’ve been writing for a living for more than 20 years. Newspapers, television shows, promotional material. That stuff has to be written by somebody too, ya know.
Also the grammar thing, once it’s discovered I majored in English in college. I always say I majored in literature, not grammar! 
Yes, magical color-changing meat. 
Try being a librarian.
That’s not magical! All meat changes color. Just look in my refrigerator … or on my kitchen counter, even!
<shakes fist> Dammit, I wanted to make that joke.