What tasteless ideas for commercials have you had?

Cafe Society
1

Two of mine:

1- A cartoon roach mother and her children, the youngest a just hatched babe in arms, are running screaming down a burning street. Behind them is the hellish din of sirens, machine guns, bombs and screaming in an animated scene somewhere between Schindler’s List and the future scenes from Terminator. They hear a motorcycle engine behind them and all of them, Mother Roach and baby and little roach children, duck behind some rubble.

The motorcycle spots them. A goggled and machine gun wielding stormtrooper hovers over them. The little roach children look up at him with huge terrified eyes, a teardrop rolls down Mother Roach’s face, Baby Roach looks at him innocently and coos, and the Mother says "Please… "

The stormtrooper smiles. Then opens fire with the machine gun for a full 15 seconds, giving all of the Roach family the Romanov treatment and then some.

Then the Caption:

RAID: We show no mercy.

Tasteless Commercial Idea 2:

It’s black and white film. A young and obviously blind girl is standing by a water pump desperately struggling to get away while an almost equally blind young Irish lass is forcing her to stand still while desperately spelling into her hand and saying "It’s a wword Helen! W- A- T- E- R! W- A- T- E- R! W-A-T-E-R!

The clouds part and a beatific burst of sunlight lands on the girl’s face and she says, as if dredging from an ancient stream, “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—waaaaaa! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA- WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!*”

The teacher bursts into tears, her family runs and hugs her, she’s smiling like a fiend and screaming “Waaaah Waaaah! Waaah Waaaah!” The maid hands her a Dasani, she takes a sip, the scene turns to color, she looks at the camera and says

Now THAT is what I fuckin’ call *WATER! *

There are more, but I’ll see if there’s any interest or participation before posting. Please post any ideas you may have for the best commercials you’ll never see.

2

*Pointless movie trivia: When Patty Duke couldn’t say “waah-waah” as primitively and passionately as her Broadway director wanted, he finally got the desired sound by telling her “Pretend that you haven’t had a bowel movement in two weeks, you’re absolutely miserable and you’re straining to get out the biggest piece of [excrement] you’ve ever had inside of you”, and she nailed it on the next go. She imparted the same advice to Melissa Gilbert 20 years later. Watch their faces whenever you see the movies again and you can tell what they’re thinking.

3

Unfortunately, 9/11 kinda stole the humor out of this one…but if we’re just talkin’ tasteless, it’s off the charts:
February 26, 1993. World Trade Center, New York. Ryder was there.

May 19,1995. Murrah Federal Building, Oklahoma City. Ryder was there.

RYDER: For All Your Terrorist Bombing Needs.

4

We got our Main Character walkin’ down the street, see. He spots a dude in a Porsche; Main Character walks up, pops a Mentos, and pulls the guy out of the car. He drives on his way, smiling… his carjack victim smiles broadly and gives the guy the THUMBS UP! as he leaves.

The guy stops at a big, expensive-type house. He pops a Mentos, and walks right past the security guard, who grins broadly and waves.

The guy goes in the house and starts stealing stuff, raiding the fridge, pissing on the rug… a woman appears on the stairs and gasps. The Main Character smiles and pops a Mentos, and smiles. The woman smiles back. He pops another Mentos and proceeds to have sexual relations with the woman (who, due to the Mentos, is willing, so it’s not rape, so I won’t get sued by a trillion advocacy groups).

And, well, that’s the commercial: Mentos lets you have sex with whatever you want.

5

Open commercial shot of terrified older black women being robbed in the street by two very disreputable-looking white guys. We should see this and think “Hate Crime.” One takes her purse, dumping its contents over her body. The other gives her a last contemptuous kick as she lays prone.

CUT TO: The two running off, laughing themselves sick.

CUT TO: Closeup on Lead Thug: “'Ey!” he says (in a thick Australian accent) “Look over there.” He points.

CUT TO: We see a young Mexican woman walking with a small child. Suddenly they are accosted by the two thugs. One takes her purse. The other grabs the child, pulls out a knife and says, "I’ll cut your kid! I will cut your kid wide open! Give me your purse!

CUT TO: Back of Tall Man’s head, suddenly appearing. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

CUT TO: Thug one spins around, swings knife wildly in hand. “Who the hell are you… Oh!” Thug one stops. He looks up, sees tall man’s face, which we still don’t see. He freezes.

CUT TO: Pan up from approximately mid-waist to Tall Man’s face. It’s O.J. Simpson. Camera holds steady on O.J.'s disapproving eyes.

CUT TO: Montage: Scared reaction shots of frightened woman, crying child, thug one, thug two.

CUT TO: O.J. speaks. “Give me the knife. Now.”

CUT TO: Terrified thug hands O.J. the knife.

CUT TO: O.J. frowning at the knife, hands Thug One new knife. “Here. Try this. It’s sharper and more versatile. Believe me.”

Thug Two looks carefully at knife. “Strewth. That is a good knife.”

Thug Two looks up, beaming. “Right. Now give me that purse, bitch!”

O.J. smiles, walks off. Thugs resume mugging. Glamorous young blonde runs up to O.J. laughing.

Camera holds steady on departing figures as O.J.'s V.O. softly reads the caption that appears on screen: “Swiss Army Knives. Versatile and sharp.”

6

Remember those Lexus ads that emphasized how the car blocked out all external noise and vibrations?

OPENING SHOT:
Luxury car is travelling down a suburban residential street, late afternoon, rays of sunlight streaming through nearby trees.

CUT TO:
Scene of young children, looking kind of lower-middle-class, blue-collar, playing stickball in the street. No sound.

CUT TO:
Various shots of the car’s interior, detailing the leather seats, quality sound system, wood and leather trim, etc. The only sound is the faint hum of the engine.

CUT TO:
Close up side view of the front bumper, giving an impression of speed and power as the car moves down the street. The engine’s hum is louder.

CUT TO:
Slo-mo shot of the kids starting to scatter as they see the car approaching. No sound.

CUT TO:
Slo-mo close-up of one child in the middle of the road, looking over his shoulder, seeing too late what his playmates are yelling about. No sound.

CUT TO:
Interior of the car, still silent except for the soft hum of the engine.

CUT TO:
Close-up of slow child, now frozen in the middle of the street, screaming in terror. The scene is still sielent.

CUT TO:
Interior of the car, the child’s screams are completely inauduble. Only the strains of Vivaldi from the car’s sound system can be heard.

CUT TO:
Wheels of the car rolling over the child’s body, crushing the life out of him.

CUT TO:
Glass of water in the car’s front cupholder. The surface is comepletely motionless.

CUT TO:
Wide shot of the car driving off down the road, the child’s dead body lying in the street behind it.

V.O.:
The Lexus Evrémonde

CUT TO:
Car interior, close-up of an 18th-century gold Louis coin on the dashboard.

V.O.:
In some ways… the economical choice.

7

1: A black man with a chain around his leg runs out of a barn and is followed by a white guy with a shotgun. The white guy shoots and hits him in the leg. The black man struggles to get up, hops a little and keeps running, albeit a bit off-kilter. We see the white guy call out to other farmers and dogs are brought out. The black man runs into some woods with the white mob in close pursuit. As they traverse the forest, the dogs are increasingly uncertain of which direction the black man went and we see the white farmers breathing heavily. Eventually, the dogs give up and the mob disperses, the men exhausted and barely able to stand. We see the black man far off in the woods still going. He looks back for a second and continues running. A check mark appears on the screen with the words Just Do It.

2: The opening shot is that of a fat girl and her parents welcoming guests into their home. The couple greets the girl’s parents and then stares at her for a moment. The wife grins and exclaims, “Well, Anne, you’re looking healthy!” The girl, obviously upset by her weight problem, turns away and runs up to her room, crying.

Cut to an aging, bedraggled man wielding a pick ax and striking at a piece of stone. We next see him struggling to carry huge slabs of rock through a barren, gravelly field. The camera starts to pan across and we see that other, similarly dishevelled, people are working under the same conditions. They are all dressed in striped, drab clothing and are clearly toiling in misery. The camera continues to pan until it reaches a slender girl. She is happily skipping around the camp and, as the camera zooms in on her rags, we see that they are personalized, with Anne Frank on the lapel. The camera follows her, drawing ever closer, until the girl whirls around and, flashing a bright smile, says “Auschwitz, baby!”

Announcer: “Anne. Be envied.”

8

I’d pay to see that.

Here’s my crappy three:

Crappy Three Num One

It starts off looking like one of those History Channel documentaries. We see Hitler on his podium acting all erratic like giving a speech. It then cuts to a street level shot of a parade, then pulls back to see the whole yard from Hitler’s left side. The camera then pulls back and we see Hiter with his right arm out in the salute. But, in his left hand, we see a blue can. The camera then zooms in and it says PEPSI. Writting then comes on screen

Hitler drank Pepsi. Do you want to be like Hitler? Drink Coca-Cola

Crappy Three Num Two

Opens to the siege of Troy. After a few quick battles, the whole Trojan Horse thing is played out. Then, we see the pillaging, the babies being thrown off the walls. You, all the bad stuff. Then we see some men go into the center of the town, and we see a can of Vanilla Pepsi. Everyone’s all happy. Zooms out.

It’s that damn good.

Crappy Three Num Three

We see a bunch of Japanese running around, chasing a bunch of Chinese women. We see a Japanese officer walking around, satisfied with everything. But, lo and behold, he see an enlisted soldier, chasing this one woman, and she’s obviously not happy. He stops him, gives him a good talking to, maybe hits him a few times. He then gives the soldier a small, square package. The soldier smiles and then begins to chase other woman. Zoom out.

Trojan

You said tasteless.

9

You are all so freakin’ depraved!

God bless you!

10

I guess nobody wants to know about my Mr. Coffee commercial, where Joe DiMaggio drinks the coffee, then shows that there are no grounds in the cup, because, you know, a Mr. Coffee coffeemaker never lets grounds get in the coffee, but then Joe DiMaggio grins and we see a crapload of coffee grounds in his teeth?

No, I thought not.

11

Really, this one is pretty lame and could be used for just about any product (versatility!). In this case, I’ll just say Pepsi.

I always just pictured a commercial with someone running frightened down a darkened alley. A man (sillouette only, of course) chases behind this person. Eventually he catches up to them and murders them brutally. The camera pans to the ground to see a blood-spattered case of Coke. The tagline says:

Drink Pepsi. Or else.

12

A band of goons drag a bound and gagged man to a tree and lash him to it. The goons’ leader walks up and turns so we can see his face. It is Christopher Walken.

WALKEN: “So. The great outdoors! Mother Nature, eh? Hehheh. Boy - you are one hard guy to get ahold of! And I totally understand - after WHAT you’ve done, maybe you weren’t so hot to come back here, right? ‘The scene of the crime’ …”

“You see, I believe that our actions, they have consequences - consequences that have an effect on the lives of others. No argument there, hmm? Not from you. (laughs) No, not from you. Because you know … that that is true. It’s as plain as plain can be, look around!”

"Now when I heard, about what you had done, it made me sad. Very, very sad … And I knew that you and I would have to have this conversation someday soon. You let me down. You let us all down. And now … (shrugs)

Meanwhile, the goons pile sticks and debris around the tree and pour lighter fluid over his head.

“I’m glad we could have this talk. And hopefully, you will learn something from this. And maybe - hopefully, other people will benefit too. I only wish it didn’t have to come to this. But it’s a drop in the bucket compared to pointing THAT. And that, and that, and that …”

drawing close, whispering “How many times did you have to hear it … Only YOU can prevent forest fires!”

turning to walk away “OK boys, let’s do this … and I want him extinguished FULLY, you hear me - when you’re done I want that fire OUT.”

The camera pans back to show the surrounding acres of charred forest and the burned-out hulks of homes. Sound of a merry fire blazing up. Fade to black.

13

RTA. Bravo! Bravo! Bellissimo! (throws kiss) Mmwah!

14

A view of the Empire State Building in all its glory. Voice over:

Visit the Empire State Building. Now the tallest building in New York City.

15

It occured to me that I could go much, much, much, worse. I thought of a commerical involving the North American Man Boy Association honoring Jesus. (“Because you can’t spell NAMBLA without the L-A-M-B.”) Thankfully I talked myself out of posting the worst of it.

This thread is bringing out a nasty side to me.

16

I KEEP coming BACK to this UNHOLY thread.

Last one.

“Mouth sores, dick drips, itchy crab lice, distended asshole, gonorrhea! … Hey! Penicillin!”

17

That is freakin’ brilliant. Sir, I salute you.

18

I.

Setting: an ER

Dramatis Personae: A generic ER doctor and a frazzled middle aged man.

Dr.: It’s called Adereonalitsitis mellanomatosis. I’ve never seen a case, I’ve only read of them. You have tumors the size of grapefruits that are growing at an alarming pace. They’ll soon slow your breathing, your blood flow, they’ll call seizures and dementia. There will be incredible pain, more than you can imagine. Because it’s such a rare disease, there is no known treatment. It is fatal, but very very slow. But there is one piece of good news…

I just saved a bundle on my Car Insurance…

II. Yuppie frau to a friend: "… and you know who else was gay? Grandpa Walton… Will Geer! Can you believe it! And one of the Darrins from BEWITCHED was gay, and Tab Hunter and Tyrone Power… and Ro-bear from HOGAN’S HEROES got caught in a men’s room soliciting recently and he’s ancient, and John Gielgud and Alec Guinness and Karl Malden all got arrested when they were at the top of their careers for renting male hustlers! And that gorgeous English guy Rupert Everett is gay and Robbie Williams! And I was reading just the other day that there Matt Damon was seen polishing some guy’s knob in the backroom of the Viper Club… I want to say Tobey Maguire but that’s not it…

Duck: AFFLECK!

Frau:… or maybe it was Elijah Wood’s…

Duck: AFFLECK!

Frau:… or Johnny Depp’s…

Duck: AFFLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECK!!!
III. Voiceover as monastic chant fills background and images of the Shroud of Turin fill the screen: Some say it is the work of Leonardo da Vinci, others that it is the earliest known example of photography and the work of an unparalleled anonymous genius. We know it’s history to the Renaissance, but to millions of the faithful it is the burial garment of Christ, the son of God, the Redeemer of Mankind… the greatest physical link to the Almighty and the tangible proof of his Covenant… it has been credited with healings and miracles… but can it stand up to new heavy duty TIDE?
[images of a transparent washer, then a snow white sheet]
Tide… if it can wipe away the blood of Christ, think what it will do to your skidmarks.
IV. “This is Charlton Heston. Alzheimers is a condition that affects millions of Americans and their families, ultimately robbing them of their dignity and their memories long before killing them. Perhaps the worst part is the stigma. That’s why I say they’ll have it when they take it out of my cold dead hand. I am the NRA. Alzheimers is a condition that affects millions of Americans and their families. Michael Moore you deceitful fuck! Alzheimers is a condition that they’ll take from my cold dead hand. You blew it up. Thank you.”

19

:smiley:

That was inspired!

20

Zoom into a playground with a group of kids in a circle. As we get closer we see a bully shoving a smaller boy, taunting him and knocking him down. The bully starts kicking the boy and the shot fades.

Second shot opens with the same boy, older looking, in a high school letter jacket. A boy with glasses walks by and the bully trips him, he then gives the kid a wedgie and laughs.

Last shot is a closeup of a blindfolded darkskinned man, as the shot widens we see he is tied to a chair. A hand comes in from off-screen and slaps the man in the mouth really hard. The shot pans over to the slapper who is…you guessed it, the bully. This times he’s in fatigues. He smiles broadly.

V.O. “The Army, now you can get paid for it!”