What the FUCK don't you understand about defensive driving?

I am sick and tired of all my idiot friends who do not understand what defensive driving really mean. Let me break it down for those morons:

I DO TOO practice defensive driving! Haven’t you shrivelcocked pisswads heard of Sun-Tzu? Repeat after me: ATTACK.IS.THE.BEST.DEFENSE! Thus, in my defensive driving, I’m following the precepts of Sun-Tzu AND YOU CAN TOO IF YOU FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE 3 STEPS!

**1-Always keep the other drivers guessing what your next crazy move is going to be.

2-Harass the other drivers and pretend you’re about to hit them to scare them out of your way.

3-Always drive as fast as humanly possibly and try to sneak to the front of traffic so that you may have the initiative.**
It is thanks to people like me and you that defensive drivers can practice their skill to the limit so don’t fuck this up America!

You’re all welcome!


This cat would like to have a word with you.

Well if it’s DEFENSIVE driving then somebody must be out there OFFENDING me! That fucker’s gonna pay!!

Excellent OP. It reminds me of my father once fuming about another driver, “That SOB didn’t even honk when I almost hit him.”

As I told my son when he started practicing his driving, and insisting that because he had the right of way* the other car would be at fault if he hit us

“If someone is going to be stupid, get out of their way and let them be stupid. And assume everyone on the road is stupid.”

*I know there is no right of way in Florida, just the requirement that you yield the right of way. But I wasn’t interested in addressing that little nugget at the time."

I have an adult friend who thinks exactly that way. The “…or, you know, you could recognize the other person’s an idiot and still avoid an accident altogether” argument has never flown with him. :rolleyes:

Or, as I say everytime some idiot pedestrian walks right into the street at the crosswalk without even looking, “It is possible for right and dead to be concurrent conditions”.

I love that cussing cat picture.

Scare people out of my way, eh? Hmm, this has possibilities.

Oh, that is EXACTLY my philosophy on other drivers. Or as I put it,

If someone is going to be stupid, I’d rather have them get in front of me where I can keep an eye on them and give them all the room they need to be stupid in.

If only there were more drivers on the road like you and me.

I read this years ago in an old Bartlett’s, attributed to Anonymous:

Here lies the grave of Mike O’Day,
Who died preserving his right of way.
His right was clear, his will was strong -
But he’s as dead as if he’d been wrong.

Sums it up beautifully.

Oh, I’ve been stupid. Once, with my family in the car, I reacted to a green left turn arrow (I was going straight) and drove through the intersection. It was a major brain fart, and I couldn’t believe I’d done it. Fortunately, the cars turning in front of me stopped and let me be stupid. :smiley:

I would submit that every driver is stupid. Some drivers are just stupid on a more continual basis.

No no no no no…you got it all wrong! It’s not about being aggressive; it’s about being assertive. It’s about positioning and tactics, it’s about predicting the other guy’s moves so you can blow past him and make that lane change while his head’s buried in his PDA. It’s about tailing that guy’s bumper just far back enough to not look like an asshole, but close enough to make 'em uncomfortable (“stalker sense” I call it) so they’ll yield and get out of your way. “Defensive” driving is an art form, and like any battle, it’s usually won or lost before it’s even fought.

Fair enough…but it’s more effective to pretend like you’re a typically clueless, half-drunk, cellphone-talking idiot. “OOPS! Silly me, I drifted into that guy’s lane! Sorry! Lucky me he was paying attention and hit the brakes.” Who cares if he flips you off or honks his horn – you got the position, and that’s all that matters. (Naturally, this tactic is ineffective against GENUINE clueless idiots…and since they outnumber other drivers by a vast margin, it’s rarely the best maneuver.)

Heh…don’t know what it’s like where you live, but here in L.A., that’ll get you shot at. :cool: (And I say this as the guy who used to keep a .38 under the seat. For the record, I don’t anymore – too tempting.) Yeah, it’s cathartic to blow off steam by harassing, yelling, honking, but all that detracts from the primary goal of getting there before that other asshole gets somewhere.

Ok, #2 was mostly hyperbole, but this one’s for real:

Here in L.A., we’ve got a lot of jet-set, A-type personalities everywhere. People who can’t stomach the idea of being BEHIND someone else. Naturally, that applies to the freeways as well. Especially the freeways. If you signal to change lanes in front of a BMW/Lexus/whatever, it’s guaranteed that the other guy will SPEED UP just to keep you from taking his lane – and once he’s half a car length ahead of you, he’ll slow down. What the hell does he care? He doesn’t want to get anywhere faster – he just doesn’t want you to get anywhere faster than him.

So…how do you deal with that? By turning the tables on him. When someone won’t give up their lane – slow down. Back off, ever so slightly. Inevitably, he’ll slow down as well (after all, he’s gotta keep you in the rearview, to reassure his ego that he’s ahead of somebody.) And once he starts to look complacent – VROOOM! Leave his yuppie ass the dust! Haha, sucker!!

Like I said, it’s all about timing, positioning, and planning your moves in advance; and above all, NOT calling attention to yourself. Better to be a snake in the grass, sneak up on 'em and pounce on that open lane when they’re not even looking. Then vanish into the traffic, like you were never there to begin with. Just like Keyzer Soze.

Reminds me of a little poem I learned years ago. It’s in the form of a tombstome epitaph:

Here lies the body of Thaddeus Jay
Who died defending his right of way.
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.

ETA: I was beaten to it. (Must learn to read entire thread before posting.) Oh well, consider this a slightly different form of the poem.

After our Drivers’ Education teacher finished grilling us on right of way, he closed the book, and he got real serious. He said, “That’s what the book says, and I hope you learned it all.” He brought his eyebrows down a notch. “That’s not all there is to it. Don’t you EVER let some fool run into you just because you have the right of way. You only win that match by not crashing. If you crash, and the other guy is wrong, sure, his insurance pays, but your car will never be quite right again. If you are hurt, he’ll pay the doctors and the hospital, but your body will remind you every day that you had a crash.”

With that, he turned and limped out of the classroom.

After so many years living in Panama, I am never going to be able to drive in the US again. You have to not only have very highly tuned defensive driving skills, you’ll never get anywhere unless you have excellent offensive driving skills as well.

I was once told by a friend in India that driving there requires just three things:

  1. Quick eyes
  2. Nerves of steel
  3. A complete disregard for human life.

That fairly well sums it up here too.

There are lots of intersections between two busy streets where there are no traffic lights and only one of the cross streets has stop signs. The only way to get across from the street with the stop sign is to inch slowly out into traffic until you get the ongoing traffic to stop. Then all the traffic from the side street pours across until someone from the other street inches forward enough to stem the tide. I call them “chicken intersections.” My apartment overlooks one such intersection. I am sure I have seen at least 50 accidents there in the past 10 years, and I’m not usually home when the traffic is heaviest.

Ordinary motorists drive like Iraqi taxi drivers, and taxi drivers drive like inebriated chimpanzees. As for buses, it’s best to just assume they’re not under sentient control at all.

This OP will fight ignorance most thoroughly and for years to come.
I intend to quote this OP by cut, paste or link, every time someone from Florida complains that people from NJ don’t know how to drive. I’ve argued for years that the only New Jerseyans that Floridians ever see drive are over 80 and are there to die anyway (‘Snowbird Kamikazes’). I’ve also always held the opinion that it’s really the ‘genteel and well-mannered’ Floridians who don’t know how to drive, not the poor frightened octogenarians who panic at their native driving habits.
Much thanks to the most distinguished author of the OP for settling this irritating argument once and for all. :smiley:

I get so mad driving that I have visions of pushing idiots right off the road into the woods and laughing at them while doing it. Get.The.Fuck.Out.Of.My.Way.

There’s no fucking reason to be going 50mph in the left (fast) lane. The right lane is there for that, the fast lane is for faster traffic and passing, dumbass.

Do you have any bumper stickers on your car?

And this is one of the reasons I don’t drive. I have enough aggravation in my life without having to deal with people who see driving as a competition to see who can be a bigger jackass.

I practise defensive driving … when I’m not on the phone or buttering a sandwich. :eek: :rolleyes: