What the fuck was I thinking?

The BBQ Pit
1

Through no fault of my own, I was a child of the 80s. Born in 72, I hit the “Me” decade running, and I saw it all. And one of the defining characteristics of that decade was the music, and the videos.

I was flipping through the channels the other day when I hit one of those retro 80s shows. They announced that after the commercial break, Twisted Sister!

Oh yea! We’re Not Gonna Take It! That song kicked ass! Sure, I was maybe 12 at the time - but what a rebellion song! I wanted to be that kid in the video - having this bad-ass band helping me stand up to my oppressive father! (Even though my father was nowhere near oppressive) And the song rocked! Blistering guitar solos! Man, if you liked the song, you were tough! Yea!

So after the commercial break - the opening scene at the dinner table. Oppressive dad eating with his mouth open, master of all he surveyed. Kid excuses himself, goes to his room and practices guitar to the tune of another Twisted Sister song. Dad gets pissed! Dad goes upstairs! Dad starts chewing out his son! Son finally gets the courage to tell his dad “I wanna rock!”. Strums the guitar and dad goed flying! Way to go son! You show him! Then the drums start! The song begins! This is so bad-ass! The band comes in the room, and…

What the fuck was I thinking!!! Who are these clowns? These guys aren’t tough! Dee Snyder? What the hell? Bunch of pasty white boys wearing makeup and pleather outfits. Have some pride guys… And the song? Repetitive. The guitar solo? Simplistic. This is silly. This is dumb. What the hell?

So I got to thinking about other “tough shit” from the 80s, and almost started to cry. How could I been that dumb? What the fuck was I thinking!?!?!?

Quiet Riot - Cum On Feel The Noise - get it? Cum… Oooh… tough.
Helix - Rock You - “Give me an R! {R!} O! {O!} C! {C!} K! {K!} What you got!?! {Rock!} And what you gonna do? {Rock You!}” Video of some 3 ft midget (lead singer) jumping around some medieval rock quarry…
Lee Aaron - Metal Queen - Followed years later with the deep and meaningful “Watcha Do To My Body”…
Kiss - How did these guys get a whole Army?
Def Leppard - Actually, I can’t slag these guys. I still pop Hysteria into the CD player from time to time.
Ratt, Poison, Warrant, Montley Crue - O.K. Maybe The Crue have a little more history, but they all look and sound the same. What is the attraction to makeup and plastic chains as a fashion accessory?
Guns 'N Roses - a friend lent me his copy of Appetite for Destruction. I was impressed by all the f-words used. Clearly, this was not something I could play in front of my parents. Clearly, these guys were geniuses I thought. Cleary, I was wrong…
Scorpions, Slade, Great White, Tesla and too many others that I have repressed their names. Big hair, short careers…

When I listened to these guys, I was tough. Now, they are a historical joke. I can’t picture a struggling Twisted Sister, playing in small clubs, hoping to hit is big someday, dressed in full “macho” regalia.

Actually, maybe there is a better question. What the fuck were they thinking?

2

Actually, if you think about it, Twisted Sister probably had to be tough because of the way they dressed. Otherwise, they probably would have gotten beaten up long before they were popular.

3

Aww, age comes to us all.

4

Hold up there, 80’s boy. You make a few valid points, but you’re way off the mark on a few of them too.

Kiss deserved the army they garnered by virtue of the work they did when you were still crapping in your drawers. By the eighties they were sucking like a Bancock hooker. But in the 70’s they were rock ‘n’ roll.

I’d slag Def Leppard if I were you. They got lucky in their stardom and I can find nothing remarkable about their music. Not that it wasn’t ok, it was just nothing new - how many songs can you write about sex before everyone starts to wonder about the size of your johnson?

Guns N Roses - Appetite … was one kick ass record in a sea of Phil Colins and Madonnas. It was just what the 80’s needed at the time. Unfortunately Axel Rose seemed to blow his wad on the album and turned into Engelbert Humperdink with tattoos and a drug habit. Slash is still the man, though!

The Scorpions may have had a brief flash in the world of pop music, but those German motherfuckers had been around forever. They put out their first record in the early 70’s (I think). It wasn’t until Winds of Change that they turned into pussies.

But all in all I’ll give you that the 80’s sucked balls for music. By the way, I turned 15 in 1980, so that’s right in my wheelhouse too.

5

Come to think of it … wasn’t Guns N Roses more of a 90’s band?

6

Have you seen Dee Snider lately? He has really gone to hell. And he’s also trying to cash in on vapid pop crap, like that “Lady Marmalade” song from Moulin Rouge.

7

What? The Deester’s done a cover of “Lady Marmalade”? This I gotta hear! Its gotta be worse than Shatner’s cover of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”! Heck, if its bad enough, I’d even BUY a copy of that! (Be good for clearing the place of unwanted pests!)

8

I thought Dee Snider was doing morning radio somewhere now.

I just saw VH1’s Behind the Music on Twisted Sister not too lng ago. He didn’t seem to be all that worse for the wear.

9

Appetite was released in 1987.

Does yojimbo know there’s a Twisted Sister thread going?

10

No shit?
Wow, I thought it was later than that. Ah well, the late 80’s - early 90’s are one big blur to me.

11

Someone please correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that Legomancer was referring to Christina Aguilaria’s uncanny resemblance to Mr. Snider in the Moulin Rogure video. Although the idea of a Twisted Sister cover of the song is freaking hilarious…

I figured that someone would call me on The Scorpions. I was aware that they had been around long before they decided to Rock Me Like A Hurricane, but like Kiss I was only remembering the brief period where if the song was loud, then it had to be good. I mean no offence to long standing Scorpions or Kiss fans.

Maybe I should go rent Detroit Rock City.

12

I have to agree with Jack here. KISS kicked ass until the '80’s. His description of Guns N Roses is brilliant! Appetite for Destruction is a great album. I don’t know what the hell happened to the band after that.

13

I remember Kiss in the 70s. Yeah yeah! That was good stuff… except Beth makes a real sour face
Love the description of Axl… ohhh heard Slash’s Snake Pit the other day uh huh now I know who the real talent in GNR was. Personally I still crank Judas Priest and Def Leppard mixed with Tool and Linkin Park… scares the hell outta the neighbors
But I hear the synth bands of the 80s now and think GOD! I listened to that tripe and thought it was profound! oh to young and dumb and full of welll anyway… later mates

14

No, but the rest of the band did. It was if they all had swelled.

Kiss sucks hard, but Destroyer is still a great album.

15

I sort of vaguely liked Quiet Riot – and then I discovered they were basically just doing covers of Slade songs, the originals of which were substantially better.

Now poor Noddy Holder is reduced to doing BBC panel shows and episodes of the Grimleys in which he parodies himself (“So here it is, happy Easter, everybody’s having buns…”). [sub]Serves him right for spelling his songs like that…[/sub]

16

Anyone who wants to start bagging on *Queen is going to have to go through me. Hrumph.

17

Honey, Queen RULES! Freddie was the tops of list. He kept the audiences attention WITHOUT having to talk about sex.
Freddie Freddie Freddie!!!

18

When I was 13, I was into Duran Duran, Kajagoogoo, etc., but I also loved “Pyromania” by Def Leppard and “Metal Health” by Quiet Riot, so when I asked for the cassettes for Christmas of '83, my mother replied with, “I will NOT have anything called ‘Quiet Riot’ in my house!” She ended up buying me both tapes anyway, but that’s not the point.

Think about what we, as parents now, wouldn’t want to have in our houses: Eminem, Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Insane Clown Posse. Quiet Riot pales in comparison, doesn’t it? I totally agree with the OP in that the music was a little soft and simplistic in structure, but I long for the cheesy '80s music when I have to hear millionaire Fred Durst get all angry over…what, exactly. Why does he want someone to give him something to break?

Ben Folds hit the nail on the head with his new song, “Rockin’ the Suburbs”:

“You don’t know what it’s like
Being male, middle class and white”

Maybe I’m showing my age, but I just don’t get why all these bands have to act tough. Does that make their music better? It’s all noise to me anyway.

Now, will someone help me into my rocking chair? And where’s my afghan, it’s chilly in here!

19

Dee Snider made that movie where he picked up people on AOL and then tortured them. I forget the name. He was one scary motherfucker in that movie.

20

That’d be Strangeland, also known as Dee Snider’s Strangeland, available on cassette and DVD. I’ll give him this, Snider looked scary as hell in that movie. He was apparently working out a LOT to buff up for the movie, and they put (mostly simulated, I’m sure, but still freaky-lookin’) tattoos and piercings all over him. Sadly, while the look was good, the effect was substantially diminished as soon as Snider opened his mouth.

Snider’s character in the movie is named “Captain Howdy”. Dig out your Stay Hungry album and listen to that track. heh.