What The Hell Has "The Change" Done To My Mother?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My mother is not even a little bit like the person she once was.

Always quiet and timid, she’s now aggressive and takes pride in “standing up for herself”, to the point of being abusive and completely out of line.

Always tidy, even as a child, she now does the bare minimum around the house, and if my father wasn’t there I don’t know she’d even bother to do that.

Always slender, she’s within arm’s reach of morbid obesity (if she’s not there already).

Always reasonably sensible and down to earth, she’s lost all common sense, practicality and good judgement.

Always depressive, she got by unmedicated for my entire childhood even though she really should have been on something. These days, even on heavy duty dosages of antidepressants and under the care of a psychologist, she’s often talking about wanting to die, even in really inappropriate settings like in front of strangers, or her mother, or her grandchildren.

Always selfless, she’s now a black hole of selfishness. Things like… my father gets called in to work in the middle of the night, and she complains to him that she’s going to struggle to get back to sleep because the phone woke her. Everything is about her and how it affects her.

Even small things… once, she wouldn’t watch any violence in movies, now she will only watch violent movies. She used to be pretty normal about her pets, now she’s extremely overprotective and obsessive about them. She used to enjoy going on vacation, now she attempts to derail any plans my dad makes to go anywhere.

In every single conversation we’ve had in the past decade she’s told me in detail about how the slightest exertion makes sweat pour off her and how she gets too hot to wear anything other than sleeveless shirts even in the depths of winter. I cannot even fake sympathy for her anymore because I am so GODDAMN sick of hearing it. Everyone is. She works it into every possible conversation with anyone. Last week someone she’d never met before was telling her about the new house they’re building and she used that to segue into the hot flush story.

The negativity. The unrelenting negativity about everything. Five beautiful, healthy grandchildren and what’s the first thing she tells people about them? How much she hates the name of one of them. My brother said the other day “If she won the lottery, she’d complain that she had to go to the bank to cash the cheque”. I added “She’d complain they gave her the cash in hundreds instead of fifties.” Dad said “She’d complain about the colour of the cheque”.

She won’t try anything new. We’ve been urging her to do some sort of charitable work, thinking that working to benefit the less fortunate will give her a new outlook on life, make her feel needed and useful, and get her out and about. She refuses because “They make you go on a roster. That stinks. You’re volunteering. They ought to be grateful to have you whenever it suits you” and “My friend was volunteering at this one place and the woman who ran it was a bitch. Fancy treating volunteers like that. I told her I didn’t know why she put up with it and eventually she quit”. That’s it. No matter what you say, what logic you lay on her, she stubbornly sticks to those arguments like they’re convincing (or make sense) and will not even look into volunteer work. For the record, she had a part time job between when she got married (1974) and when I was born (1976), and has never worked since. She refuses to look for any sort of job now because she says she would only be able to get work in a supermarket, and cash registers are too confusing these days so she couldn’t learn to use one, or cleaning work, and she doesn’t want to clean other people’s houses. End of discussion.

No one is allowed to have any sort of opinion about her actions, no matter how what she’s doing affects them. Everything is an attack. I’m cruel and hurtful for asking her to check with me before offering my kids treats. My dad is controlling because he wants her to continue to contribute to the household. That sort of thing.

This has all been going on for years now. I can’t remember exactly when it started but it’s been more than 10 years. At first I figured it was peri-menopause, then menopause but it’s still going, and it’s horrible, and my father is verging on leaving her, and she damaging all our relationships with her. Is it ever going to get better?

And… is this my eventual fate too? I can’t say the thought doesn’t keep me up at night. I don’t want The Change to change me into the person my mother has become.

2

IANA doctor but it sounds like the change in hormones has really caused a major hormonal imbalance. You say she’s on antidepressants - is she doing any sort of hormone replacement therapy as well? Does her psychologist have a view on this?

3

She’s under the care of a doctor for both depression and epilepsy so she sees him regularly. Though he has needed to keep increasing her dosage on the antidepressants, as far as I know neither of them have discussed HRT. She hasn’t mentioned discussing it with her psychologist either, or any of her prior psychologists (there have been at least two). I have wondered why they haven’t approached this personality disorder from a hormonal perspective, but I don’t know if they realise the extent to which she’s changed. All they know about her, they know from her.

4

Is she on meds for the epilepsy? Certain anti-seizure meds can cause horrible mood swings, depression and one causes something similar to 'Roid Rage. Has she had her meds adjusted lately? Might be time.

It really sounds to me more like depression than just peri-menopause/menopause. BUt what do I know, IANAdoctor or anything remotely close to that.

5

Took me a moment to realize you weren’t referring to a book.

6

Eliahna — you’re Cazzle! God I was so confused. Um, hi! :slight_smile:

I really have no knowledge of this issue unless you count reading articles in women’s magazines. I do have a question, though: can you accurately pin this change in her personality to the time when she entered perimenopause? Also, will she entertain any sort of discussion about her behavior change?

7

I got nothing, but perhaps this book with good reviews on Amazon?

8

These two are classic symptoms of depression.

Yikes. Does her psychologist know this?

Loss of interest in activities she once enjoyed is another classic symptom of depression.

This is another symptom of depression. But it’s also something that happens to a lot of people as they get older.

Classic symptom of depression.

Are you sure that the treatment she’s getting for depression is working? Not all antidepressants work for everybody who’s depressed. Sometimes they work for a while, then become less effective or stop working. Is she seeing someone who can prescribe medications? (In the US, a psychologist couldn’t do this, but I’m not sure how it works in Australia).

Hormone replacement therapy is not risk-free. We found out in the last ten years that it increases the risk for heart attacks and strokes. A competent doctor is not going to give her HRT just because she’s not getting along well with her family.

Does she agree with this, and agree that these are good and necessary things? If she doesn’t, she would hardly be the only person who looks for excuses not to do things she doesn’t want to do. Have you talked to her about what she might like to do, or are you just telling her to do what YOU think she should do, because it will be good for her? Make sure you’re not treating her like someone who has no valid thoughts or opinions on what she should be doing. Very, very few adults like being treated that way. Treating people in ways they do not like generally doesn’t improve their disposition.

9

If Requiem For A Dream has taught me anything, it’s that when your mother starts acting strangely it’s because she’s addicted to amphetamines.

10

Her first (grand mal) seizure happened when she was about 40 and the next few years were spent trying to get her dosage correct. I don’t believe her medication has ever been altered since her seizures were entirely eliminated. Certainly the timing has made me wonder over the years if the epilepsy meds were related.

Hi! Yup, I’m Cazzle and not a brand new, decade old Charter Member :slight_smile:

It’s hard to pinpoint the start. There was an incident at my 21st birthday that she laughed and laughed about and I remember that as the time when she was newly on antidepressants and they were working for her. That was 1997. Within a few years the anti depressants became less effective. Her dosages were continually revised up, eventually reaching a point where her doctor became quite grave about what would happen if they needed to go higher still. Also, originally she would be on them for a few months (usually over winter, I think she suffers SAD) and then be weaned off. AFAIK, she’s on them permanently now. Anyway, she was 44 when I was 21, so I guess 46ish when it all got crazy and that’s why we associated it with menopause.

Thanks. I’ll check it out.

I don’t know. I don’t know how much she tells him. Wouldn’t that be fun, if she talked about her suicidal thoughts with the car salesman but not her shrink :confused: I would think he must know. She isn’t coy about it.

I agree. The depression is clearly rioting out of control. Medicated, she’s far more of a mess than she once was unmedicated.

I know her doctor worked with her for a long time to get her dosage right and kept increasing it as it became less effective, but I don’t know if that has stopped, or if she’s just stopped talking about it, or if she hasn’t let on how bad things are so he doesn’t know her treatment needs reviewing. AFAIK she’s on Prozac.

True, but the morbid obesity can’t be doing her health any favourable either. Also, I think she’s been told she’s pre-diabetic because she was asking one say if diabetes would kill her quickly if she just did nothing about it (I told her it would blind her and cost several limbs first and she looked annoyed). Surely if HRT can get her functioning as a normal adult again, she’ll take more care of her health. Anyway, quality of life has to count for something. She’s a miserable wreck.

Each psychologist she’s seen has begun by trying to get her volunteering for something. She was grumping to me about it one day and I laid out for her what I think everyone’s reasoning is. I told her it’s fulfilling to be needed and feel like you have a purpose, and that’s why I think she managed better unmedicated when we were children and she had to take care of us. She agreed that her psychologist has identified empty nest syndrome as being part of the problem. She seemed to understand what I was explaining but, as with everything she doesn’t want to hear, it was like she’d been reset next time we spoke. We’ve even had the identical conversation again since then. While it feels like maybe it’s getting through at the time, soon after she seems to decide I’m part of the evil conspiracy to force her to labour in the salt mines of the local op shops (thrift stores?). No matter how many times I reiterate that they aren’t the only form volunteer work can take, she never acknowledges other options.

I have asked what she’d like to do, and the answer is that she doesn’t see why she has to do anything. The conversations are circular. You don’t have to do anything, but volunteering potentially offers these benefits to you. Wouldn’t that feel good? Is there anything that you think you might be interested in giving a try? You don’t see why you should have to do anything.

11

Wouldn’t she be thinner?

12

Did it start when she was prescribed Prozac? I tried SSRIs once. ONCE. They made me into a horrible human being, not unlike the one you’re describing. I couldn’t finish anything, including thoughts, I was terrible to live with, and I was a hazard to myself in many ways – it was like I’d had my common sense gland surgically removed. Cooking was especially bad. I would pick up knives by the sharp part, forget about pot holders, leave the stove on, right down to burning my tongue because I forgot the food was still too hot to take a bite. I have a lot of big gaping holes in my memory for the weeks I was taking them, but the people I shared an apartment with inform me that I was a rampaging bitch.

There are other varieties of antidepressants, so it might be worth having her ask her doctor about them. SSRIs just don’t agree with some people. There might be something from another family that will play well with both her brain and her seizure medication.

13

Initially Prozac was wonderful for her, but over time it seems to have become ineffective. I know she won’t try Zoloft because it made me ill when I tried it; I don’t know if that has translated into a refusal to try ANY other medication or if her doctor sticks with it for another reason.

14

If cost is a problem, that may be why. Prozac is one of the cheapest generic antidepressants you can find, IIRC. I tried Prozac, and when I couldn’t stand it, Celexa. The bottle of generic Prozac was something like $10, and the bottle of generic Celexa was more like $30.

15

That seems unlikely to me. Certainly my parents wouldn’t hesitate to pay whatever was needed, and with the Australian Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme in place most medications are a lot cheaper here than in the US.

I have just remembered that she’s on Lamictal, but I think that’s for epilepsy.

16

My mother will tell strangers about her hot flashes, her insomnia, her aches, her poop, her pee, and if she’s in the mood, her sexual history.

But on the day she has to see her doctor, she spends longer than usual on her makeup and goes for a more “natural” look than usual; she dresses with extra care and takes extra painkillers. When she’s got an appointment and I’m visiting, I come with her (which I don’t think you can do, being the psychologist). The digestive system doc asked Mom what meds she was on: Mom “forgot” half of them, but they’re in the computer; when the doc asked “what about X and Y?” “oh, I didn’t think those were important!” (turns out one of them was causing the majority of her digestive troubles).

17

This unfortunately is not uncommon and is not something doctors like to talk about. It doesn’t happen to everyone or even most people, but it does happen, although no one really understands why. There are various things that are tried to fix this, but I’m sure the psychiatrist is already aware of most of them. I’ll mention a few new studies that are trying vitamins D or B12 or a former B vitamin called inositol. If you want more information look up SSRI tachyphylaxis.

Here’s a Mayo clinic article to get you started: Antidepressants: Can they stop working? - Mayo Clinic

This is yet another reason why SSRI therapy should not be used alone for depression. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has a much lower recidivism rate.

And I second making sure the doctor knows about the suicidal ideation. It’s not good.

18

Communicate with her doctor what you’ve told us prior to her next check-up. Just cut & paste your OP into an email, if you wish.

While the doctor may not be able to discuss your mother’s condition with you (not sure of Aussie privacy laws), there is nothing ethically or legally preventing you from informing her doctor what you’re observing. People in the throes of depression don’t often recognize the disease for what it is.

The doctor can use your information to better diagnose and treat her. Certainly he/she needs to know that the anti-depression medication needs to be switched out. A more thorough examination might reveal other things going on here, such as thyroid imbalance. FWIW, My aunt’s drastic (and nasty) personality change turned out to be caused by a malignant brain tumor. He took her in to a neurologist because she was starting to have small seizures.

19

My word. If not for the fact that my mother was born in the US, and my sister has never been to Spain, I’d think you’d stolen my family. And if you had, you would be welcome to keep them. Does your mother love doctors right up until the day she fires them, too? Mine had one once who was treating her for recurrent infections, whom she adored right up until the day she had a flare-up while he was on vacation. He had the pharmacy give her co-Tylenol, but that’s the strongest stuff doctors can prescribe by phone in the US, and she wanted hydrocodone. Apparently seeing his on-call wasn’t good enough.
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I would like to assure you, OP, that if Nava’s mother is indeed like mine, she has always been that way. The fact that your mother pulled a 180 while you were old enough to recall an exact-ish time of onset suggests that you and your menopause theory, or the people suggesting you look at medications, are more likely correct. I don’t know what the laws are like in the antipodes, but in the US I know there’s no legal reason you couldn’t send a letter to your mother’s physician detailing what’s going on – but you should also be mindful of the fact that, since you aren’t the patient, there’s nothing stopping the doctor from telling your mother what the letter said and who signed it. If your mother already lacks self-awareness, you might want to brace yourself for her to truly wroth before she realizes that you did it out of love and concern. The thing about brain-whammies is that if you’re in the aforementioned brain suffering the aforementioned whammies, you have no idea, and perfectly logical, well-intended things seem like attacks or rejections.

On the other hand, if you don’t live with her, perhaps better you than someone who does. Food for thought.

20

I suspect the menopause is a red herring which got linked to her condition in everyone’s mind due to the coincidence of the timing of onset. And I use the term “onset” loosely, because it looks like much of this goes back far earlier than menopause, if I have the timeline right. We’re talking 15 years now - whatever hormonal imbalance comes with menopause has almost certainly settled down by now. And some of what you’re pointing out - like the fact that she doesn’t want to work, like you say she got through your childhood unmedicated but probably should have been medicated - stems back to the '70s, when she wasn’t menopausal. An almost 40 years old personality trait isn’t really a “change” in personality at this point, it’s who she is. It may even be who she was back before you were born; the “old” her may only exist in family lore and wishes.

But all that aside, yes, I agree with everyone else that this sounds like Depression, pretty cut and dried. If her doctor won’t listen to your concerns and suggest some changes, find her a new mental health specialist.

But all that being said…has her thyroid been checked? It’s almost too bloody obvious to mention, so I assume it has, but lots of these symptoms (sweats, aggression, oversharing, memory loss) can be seen in hyperthyroidism. Weight gain usually doesn’t happen with hyperthyroidism, although a person with Depression who treats it with food might be able to overcome the increased metabolism of hyperthyroidism and keep on excess weight.

And I’ll nth the suggestion to talk or write to her doctors yourself. It’s unbelievably common for people to complain to the check out person at the drugstore, the bagger at the grocery store, the secretary at the doctor’s office, the janitor sweeping the hallway, and then see the doctor and say, “Oh, I’m fine, fine. Getting along. One day at a time, you know…”