What the hell is that NOISE?!?!?

The BBQ Pit
1

It started out as a rather innocuous thing. beep As I was watching TV, trying to recover from a bout of diverticulitis, my sub-conscience picked up on the subtle beep sound. Nothing too hairy, here. Just a little noise at the far reaches of my little world. beep Wandered in and out of the room throughout the day, tending to the annoyances of a chronic illness beep but still catching that sound on occasion.

Day 2 of still not feeling well, back to the TV. beep After a couple of hours of nothing to watch, but still unable to unglue myself from the boob-tube beep, I decide to put in a choice video and watch The Great Race. beep That Jack Lemmon cracks me up! This is one of my all-time favorite movies! beep Well, there’s another 2 hours down - let’s watch another classic. How about It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World? beep All righty, then. Hoo-boy! That Jonathan Winters is a card! beep Well, this is starting to get a little annoying beep, so off to bed I go.

Day 3 - yep, still under the weather (and over the toilet), so back to the Idiot Box. beep Let’s see, how about Some Like It Hot? Yep, that’ll do. beep More Jack Lemmon - did I mention he cracks me up? beep Ok, this is getting really annoying, now. beep “Hey, you guys. What’s making that sound?” beep

PARENTS: “What sound?” beep
HIHORSE: “That beeping sound. It’s been going on for a couple of days, now.” beep
PARENTS: “I don’t hear anything. What’s it sound like?” beep
HIHORSE: “Like a beep. Is it the smoke alarm?” beep
FATHER: “I don’t hear anything.” beep
HIHORSE: “Of course not. You couldn’t hear a freight train if you were standing on top of it!” beep
MOTHER: “Where’s it coming from?” beep
HIHORSE: “If I knew that, I could find out what it was.” beep

Mother wanders into the living room and begins to chatter like a magpie. beep She’s nuts, you know. Poor old dear. Toys in the attic, and all. beep But, God love her, she at least puts in an effort. Now, if she’d just be quiet for 30 seconds beep she could hear what I’m hearing. Noooo. That would be too easy. beep

HIHORSE: “Check your Rascal (little motorized cart) to see if you left the key on, or if it’s the battery charger, or…something. beep Hell, I don’t know - just check it out.” beep
MOTHER: “Nope, it’s not making any noises. beep Oh, is that the sound you’re hearing?” beep
HIHORSE: “Why, yes…yes, it is.” beep
MOTHER: “What is that? Is that you?” beep
HIHORSE: “Oh, good grief. If it was me, do you think I’d be asking what that noise was?!?” beep

::Mother wanders off again, back to her own little world::

beep

All 4 cats are walking around with their ears out flat, giving little starts & jumps beep everytime it beeps. Once in awhile, somebodies tail will pouf up - just pffft. beep If it weren’t so damned annoying, this could be kinda cute to watch. Maybe on mute. beep So you wouldn’t be driven insane.

beep

HIHORSE: “What the HELL is that NOISE?!?” beep
FATHER: “What’s it sound like?” beep
HIHORSE: “For the love of Pete, it sounds like a BEEP!! beep Haven’t you been listening to me?!?” beep
FATHER: “Well, it’s not the smoke alarm. Just checked that.” beep
HIHORSE: “It almost sounds like it’s coming from the front door.” beep
FATHER: “Could it be the doorbell?” beep
HIHORSE: “Our doorbell BEEPS?!?” beep
FATHER: “No, I don’t think so.” beep
HIHORSE: “Then why did you ask me if it was the doorbell?” beep
FATHER: “Because you said it sounded like it was coming from the front door.” beep
HIHORSE: ::heavy sigh:: beep
FATHER: “Oh, is that the sound you’re talking about?” beep
HIHORSE: “Yes, oh yes. Finally! Do you have any idea what it is?” beep
FATHER: “Well, that sounds like it’s coming from the motorhome.” beep
HIHORSE: “Great, let’s go check it out before I lose my ever-lovin’ mind!” beep
FATHER: “No, you stay here - I don’t want you tramping around in my motorhome.” beep

::what the…?!?::

So dear, old Dad ambles out to the motorhome beep that, apparently, I’m not allowed into and begins futzing around for what seems like an eternity. beep If he doesn’t find something soon, I’m going to become homicidal. Patricidal. Nuts. Officially, nuts. beep He mutters and fumbles and checks all sorts of beep wires and gadgets before he determines it’s one of the detectors. beep Finally, he decides it really is OK for me to “tramp around” his beep motorhome, since he can’t determine if it’s the smoke detector or the CO detector that’s beep making that sound.

Now, these detectors have little lights on them that blink beep when they make a noise, and the CO box has a display screen that gives you beep messages. But Daddy-dearest can’t seem to see the light beep or the display, so I have to be his eyes. I determine beep from the flashing light and the Err message displayed on the screen that beep it’s the CO box.

I wrench the dreadful little monster beep from the wall and flip it over, hoping to be able to beep remove the freakin’ battery. Alas, beep this was not to be. It’s a sealed unit beep with no screws or anything to take it apart, no beep seams or anything the like. Apparently, this is a beep lifetime battery and if you need to replace the battery beep you have to replace the entire box. However, there are some helpful beep messages on the back - things like “If you see Error in the display beep, please refer to your user’s manual.”

HIHORSE: “Dad, it says to look in the manual to resolve the error message.” beep
FATHER: “Your brother-in-law didn’t give me a manual.” beep
HIHORSE: “What does Rex have to do with this?” beep
FATHER: “He’s the one that bought and installed it. beep I think he just threw the packaging away.” beep
HIHORSE: “That’s not like him to do anything like that. beep Check your folder of manuals & guides to see if he stuck it in there.” beep

Dear old Dad collects the folder of books for the RV, and beep takes the blankety-blank box out of my hand and saunters back into the house. Finally! I can get some beep peace & quiet. Ha! I say, Ha! again. beep He decides that the best place to thumb through this 10" deep folder is right…behind…ME !!! beep For 30 freakin’ minutes! Page by page! beep

HIHORSE: “So help me, God, if you don’t get that thing away from me, I’m going to go postal! I’m not kidding!!” beep
FATHER: “Quick, Pat, hide the guns. The kid’s gonna lose it! (snicker, snicker)” beep
HIHORSE: “Yeah, you’re a regular laugh-riot, you are. Please, Daddy…I’m beggin’ you here beep to please take that thing somewhere else. Please.” beep
FATHER: “I think I need to call Rex. I can’t find beep any manual for this thing. Maybe he’s got it. Or another one.” beep
HIHORSE: “Great. Call him. Just take that beep abomination with you. PLEASE!!” beep

Did I mention that Dad’s not too tightly wound either? Not as bad as Mom, beep but gettin’ there. Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the doors don’t always open all the way. beep He takes the CO box down the hall with him, and shoves it in a stack of towels in the beep linen closet. Well, at least it’s muffled. At least it’s not right behind me. At least mmeeep it’s…well, quietter. Quieter? More quiet? Less noisy. Never does call Rex. Why? mmeeep I don’t know. Something in his wiring, I guess. Who knows? That’s just Dad. mmeeep

Day 4 - mmeeep It slips into your dreams. It invades your every waking moment. It’s almost as annoying mmeeep as the full-on beep. I’m going to the hardware store, I’m buying a new CO box and a sledgehammer. mmeeep Anybody wanna go along?

2

Oh my God- I’m sorry to laugh at your pain, but that cracked me up. Great story- the beep/meeping is even driving ME nuts now!

Please feel better and I hope you get some peace soon :slight_smile:

3

I have a sledge hammer you can borrow, if you’d like. :wink: (I take no responsibility for who/what you choose to use it on.)

beep

4

Ha! Funny stuff. Thanks for that laugh this Sunday morning.

beep

5

If there’s any justice in life, you’re still in college or getting ready to go. Then you can use your OP for a writing assignment. That’s the best thing I’ve read in well over a year!

6

Hihorse : Great story, nicely done! maye I use this for Teemings Extras?

7

::blush:: Why, I’d be honored. Thanks.

beep

8

What you need to beep do is take the beep detector and somehow beep find a way to hide it in the beep house of your worst enemy. beep

9

Hihorse,

That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time, excellent writing and thank you for the laugh (apologies that it is at your expense).

I do hope you find a solution, I’m worried that attacking it with a sledgehammer, may just result in it letting out a somewhat flattened beep!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeppppp

10

And still my family chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible they heard not? Almighty God! - no, no! They heard! — they suspected! - they knew! - they were making a mockery of my horror! — this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! — and now — again! — hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! —

Villains! Dissemble no more! — here, here! — It is the beeping of its hideous heart!

11

LOL. I can imagine your pain! My SO has now had 2 watches in a row die on him, and when these particular watches die, they don’t do it quietly. Rather, they screech out a very loud and painful death BEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP, which they do for not hours, but DAYS!!! DAYS of incessant BEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, without the blessed silence of an intermittent death rattle. We’ve placed these watches in towels and closed them up in closets, but the sound still comes out to you, especially in the depths of night when you’re trying futilely to sleep but can’t because of the bloody BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP.

I an relate to being on the brink of insanity because of a noise you can’t stop.

12

Excellent rant - thanks!

Reminds me of when we moved into our new home and had a similar, intermittent beep for days and days. It turned out to be an electronic typewriter at the bottom of a box which had been inadvertently left on and had something resting on one of the keys.

Being so muffled in the box, it was almost impossible to pinpoint the location and I’d even gone as far as switching the electricity off at the mains to see whether this was some weird alarm feature of our new property that we didn’t know about.

Kudos to you for making such an entertaining story out of your situation.

13

beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep I just heard a remade rumpshaker mix which has the same smoke alarm sound as the beep in the background…

I feel the pain!!!

Hilarious story, made my day.

14

ROFLMAO!! :smiley: Beautiful! standing ovation

15

Kinda makes you hate the Road Runner don’t it? :smiley:

16

Now that was a proper rant. Kudos!

17

Welcome, HiHorse. You’ve just made my day.

Your rant is one that everyone can appreciate to some degree. We’ve had the rogue smoke alarm beeps and annoying watch alarm beeps but the best one in the Ruby House was the muffled bzzzt that drove us nuts for a day and a half.

We finally discovered my pager was left on vibrate in my briefcase. :rolleyes:

18

My wife tends to buy beeping appliances, small clocks, timers, things like that which will NOT be quiet. Clocks that chime at 0230 in the morning, similar inventions of the devil.
My remedy is simple, quiet, and non-violent. I creep through the house in the dark of night until I determine the offending appliance, gently remove it from it’s designated place, and place it gently into the freezer. Peace and quiet. Ahhhhh.
The freezer effectively muffles the thing and the intense cold gets the batteries shortly thereafter.
Only 2 small drawbacks to this approach; guests may be somewhat startled if they open the freezer and find a clock there. Also, the wife gets a bit peeved when her latest purchase dies.

Testy

19

Brilliantly done, HiHorse.

Encore!

20

Dang, that brought tears to my eyes - beautiful!

And to show my appreciation, I won’t even bee… /clamps hand over mouth (meep)

I have to second the freezer idea though. Or a sledgehammer.