What the hell...Law & Order drinking game

Cafe Society
1

Drink every time…

…Briscoe makes some wisecrack about the corpse in the opening scene.

…Briscoe comments about one of his exes.

…Briscoe comments about alcoholism.

…Van Buren orders the detectives to do something that involves lots of unnecessary paperwork, like “Get me a list of everybody in NY City who’s been mugged.”

…Briscoe’s partner (Logan, Curtis or Green) has some sort of crisis of conscience and beats up a suspect.

…Adam Schiff tells his ADAs “We don’t have enough evidence! Offer them a plea!”

…McCoy ignores Adam’s order to offer them a plea.

…a cocky defense lawyer tells McCoy “You’ve got nothing!”

…a whiny defense lawyer tells the judge “They’ve got nothing!”

…McCoy’s assistant babe receives a blue paper from some guy, turns around and says, “Motion to suppress.”

…a judge passes the “Motion to Suppress” because they think McCoy’s a prick.

2

Drinking game? More like “Suicide attempt by alcohol poisioning”. Thats every episode of L&O! Your only hope of survival is watch a real early one with no Lenny or McCoy.

3

…the string section starts playing, signalling that the suspect is about to confess every detail of the crime.

4

I prefer the more wholesome fun of the Law & Order Colouring Book.

5

Oh gawd. I’d better take the pickup truck to the liquor store… I’m a complete L&O addict. I think I saw 3 episodes last night.

Here are some more:

Drink every time some woman hits on Logan or Curtis.

Drink every time a person that the detectives want to talk to tries to run away.

Drink every time they consult a fellow police officer who is an expert in some arcane area, like Chinese gang tattoos or a particular type of computer game.

Drink every time McCoy makes his “I’m making a big point” face. (Eyebrows raised, beady eyes fully open and round) Drink twice if he makes that face after quickly turning around.

Drink every time ADA Stone condescendingly calls someone “Sir.” Drink twice if he’s looking over his reading glasses as he does it.

Drink every time a key witness for the defense is an old professor/colleague/lover of the pretty female ADA.

Drink every time the defendant or defendant’s father is an old crony of Adam Schiff.

Drink every time Van Buren uses the following interrogation techniques:

  1. Relates to the person as a fellow mom.
  2. Relates to the person as a fellow black person.
  3. Relates to the person as a fellow woman in a male-dominated field.
    Could we have some rules for SVU, too?

Drink every time Benson makes the “concerned face.” (Mouth slightly ajar, eyes averted, lighting assuring that the cheekbones look perfect.)

Drink every time Stabler makes the “seething with rage about to bubble over” face. (Chin tucked down, looking out the top of his eyes, lighting throwing the area under his brow into shadow)

Drink every time someone calls ADA Cabot “Alexandra” in an exasperated voice.

Drink every time Munch alludes to his paranoia or conspiracy theories.

Drink every time we see a crack in Fin’s tough-guy image, and see his true sensitive nature show through. Chug out if the scene involves Fin holding a child.

6

…Briscoe and Sidekick find a bag of weed on/near a young person they are questioning. They won’t care about this, as long as the person tells all they know about the case.

…Van Buren pretends to sympathize with the person in the interrogation room.

…the only person who survived the initial crime dies on the operating table mid-way through the investigation.

…the ADA requests remand at the arraignment.

…McCoy offers a plea, but the defense rejects it.

…McCoy pisses off Carmichael by not pursuing the death penalty against a jaywalker.

…the defense says “if you’re going to charge my client, charge him…otherwise, we’re leaving”.

…the defense tells McCoy “the only deal I’m looking for is a full dismissal of all charges”.

7

Let’s play fair, here… you need some of these to be “sips” (if you’re drinking beers) or “half-shots”. I recommend the CHUNK-CHUNK noise for a sip, just to keep everyone honest.

Also, if the transition from the “Law” act to the “Order” act is within three minutes of the halfway point, sip. Within two minutes, drink. Within one minute, down/finish/chug your current drink.

Agree on a clock ahead of time (the cable or VCR clock is probably best for this).

8

I finished off a pint of Beam watching the episode last night.

9

Drink everytime the cops endanger the case with some elementary procedural mistake, and don’t know enough to lie about it like on NYPD Blue.

Drink everytime the DAs think up an ingenious way to win the case despite the cops’ elementary procedural mistake.

10

… every time McCoy drinks, or talks about drinking.
… every time McCoy is seen with his motorcycle helmet, or Claire Kincaid with her leather jacket.
… every time Adam Schiff is seen eating a sandwich.
… every time they visit Medical Examiner Rogers. (I looove Medical Examiner Rogers.)
… every time a female cop hits on Detective Green.
… every time Cragen says “zip,” “bupkis,” or “squat.” Chug if he says all three in one sentence.
… every time Greavey sighs.
… every time Briscoe dismisses a minor transgression by telling a witness, “We’re not from the [name of minor crime] Squad, we’re from Homicide.”
… every time the ADA says “Pick him up.”
… every time Stone is seen eating in a café.
… every time Curtis appears in his undershirt.
… every time Jamie Ross is hit on.

Some special occasions should require immediate chugging of the entire remaining beverage:

— When a character from the episode takes his/her own life.
— When we see the inside of a regular character’s home.
— When a character other than Briscoe makes the opening wisecrack.
— When the episode ends with a shot of the cops instead of the DAs.

11

Add to the chug-your-whole-drink for these:

—When McCoy actually loses a case.

—When the opening scene doesn’t actually involve a murder.

—When one of the people in the opening scene who discovers the body actually turns out to be the murderer.

—When one McCoy’s ADA babes tries the case instead of him.

—When somebody’s who’s actually had top billing in a movie is on the show, like Tom Berenger or Kevin Smith.

12

Heh heh. Lots of good ones taken.

• Every time the bail judge is a wise-cracking smart-ass.

• Every time the episode ends with the elevator door closing.

• Every time the phone presciently rings and the character answers it with their last name.

• Every time McCoy’s closing statement wipes the floor with the defense attorney’s closing statement.

• Every time Briscoe “knows the place” - two if it’s a bar.

• Every time Fred Thompson drops a Southern-style witticism.

• If “Inevitable Discovery” is mentioned = three drinks.

(Me only) • Every time my litigator friend mutters something under her breath that they should have said right then but didn’t, followed by a comment about how they’re more accurate than most courtroom dramas.

13

Final bonus - finish off whatever you’re drinking when the preview for next week’s show opens with the phrase “ripped from the headlines.”

14

Drink every time the cops use the “we understand” gambit to get a suspect to confess, e.g. BRISCOE: Well, I can see how it happened. You two got into an argument, it went too far, you pushed her… You didn’t mean to do it, right? GREENE: If you confess now, I bet the DA will only charge you with manslaughter. Maybe you won’t even have to serve any jail time.

Drink every time a character’s personal life makes an obvious shoe-horn into the scene (e.g. Curtis’s wife’s medical problems, Van Buren’s lawsuit).

Drink every time a witness or interviewee makes a statement or observation that seems to be from out of the blue, but serves to put the cops/ADA on the right track.

Drink every time a witness remembers a suspect or event that (s)he has no right remembering.

Drink half your drink every time a departed ADA is mentioned. Finish it if a departed ADA actually shows up in the episode.

Drink half your drink every time a minor character (a non-top billed character who’s appeared in at least one past episode) is either shown to have committed a crime or dies.

15

Oh, and drink every time a previously recalcitrant witness spills all the beans as soon as the cops make some minor threat against them (e.g. arresting them in front of clients, bringing them in for drug dealing). Drink again if they sigh audibly before talking.

16

…every time there’s a major cast change…

17

There is so much evidence suppressed on that show, and it’s always the evidence that is would ensure an automatic conviction if it were admitted. I think this show may have given me waaaaaaaaay too much optimism about being a practicing defense attorney in a few months, where I’ll probably be up against rural Missouri judges 99% of whom used to be prosecutors, with little guillotine models on their bench like in that one movie with Grandpa Munster.

18

“No problem, here’s the phone book.”

(Admittedly, stolen from the Mad Magazine parody of “Death Wish”)

19

Take another swig when…

  • Briscoe is angry because the investigation is going overtime and will cause him to miss a sporting event. (“I had courtside Knicks tickets!”)

  • That defense attorney who kind of looks like Lauryn Hill shows up again.

  • A defense attorney tells his client, “It’s a good deal, Scott!”

  • They reach the moment where the DA, the ADA or his babe realizes they have to prosecute or screw over The Former Colleague Or Mentor They Used To Really Admire.

  • The underaged suspect, under interrogation or cross-examination, suddenly loses all veneer of humanity and reveals themself to be a reptilian psychopath.

  • One of the detectives picks up The Gun That Was Used In The Crime by sliding a pencil through the trigger guard.

  • Briscoe and his partner grab a hot dog from a street vendor.

  • Van Buren says she has to go home and “hug my kids.”

  • A recalcitrant witness is browbeaten or physically threatened by one of the detectives, and he begins to spill the beans by saying “Okay, okay, okay!”

  • A suspect or witness is coerced into letting them in because “we could just go get a warrant.”

  • A slovenly superintendent lets them into someone’s apartment, despite expressing doubts about its legality, because “we could just go get a warrant.”

20

Take a sip for every suspect they haul in and publicly humiliate before bothering to arraign someone, who will guilty on 50% of the time.