Ok kids…sit down and listen to what happened to me last night
My girlfriend and I had settled down for the night when the phone rang. It was my girlfriends sister, a good for nothing layabout from across the country. She usually calls when she wants money or something from my girl. This time it was a new one.
She wants us to ADOPT her kid. Turns out her husband from her first marriage got arrested for child neglect and polygamy(?)-trust me, Mike is that dumb to do something like that he makes Jethro Bodine look like Albert Einstein- and basically he is gonna be carted off to jail. The sister gave up the child due to the fact she cheated on him and is now getting her back. Now the sister is calling us saying she is a drunk and can’t hold a job and to take the kid (who we have not seen in like 7 years). Trouble is, we both are heavy professionals and do not want children, are not ready for children, and have no room for kids.
My girlfriend went as far as to say “how about my parents?” who is just about to empty nest with my sister going off to college (“Hi mom…I know you finally got the house to yourself…how about letting this little one shack up with you for the next 18 years”) NO WAY am I gonna pin that on my parents.
So what do you think? What advice can we give her sister? I am out of ideas so I appeal to the big brains here for options.
You are under no obligation to sort out the problems generated by another despite the fact that there may be blood ties.
Well that was easy enough but…
Moral issue here, if you know you have the means and ability to help is it correct to refuse to do so?
In the UK 66% of children taken into state care end up in jail who then comprise 33% of jail population, nothing to do with you, you have done what you could.Maybe it is similar in the US.
I’d imagine that a large proportion of what was left have severe difficulties in life.Very vague, I guess but reasonable.
You cannot take on all the problems of the world though , Lord knows, the US does try.
You would be no worse a person for getting by in the best way you can and who knows how screwed up the child is likely to be and are you equipped to cope?
Looking after your own children is hard enough, even if it is rewarding, I would say that if you have not already got the experience of this then you are in for a hard time if you try and take this on.
Your sister sounds like she is offloading and trying to put some emotional pressure onto you but this might well interfere with your own relationships, basically she is not being fair to you or her child.
Summary then, since you have no children and therefore little experience you would be best to keep out but be prepared to be unjustifiably blamed for the consequencies.
It’s not fair and people you love may take her part.
Oh, Heath, sweetie, you’ve got my full sympathy. My sister has pawned off her daughter on my parents, and I can certainly understand why you wouldn’t want to saddle your parents with that. In fact, I’m trying to get them to allow me to adopt my niece (or at least become her legal guardian) so that they can enjoy their empty nest years. Of course, my situation is different, since I’ve got a child of my own a year younger, so it wouldn’t be the burden for me as it would be for you.
I guess the only thing your sister can do is to contact social services and ask them for help. Warning: I’m fairly sure that they will put heavy pressure on you to take the child, because they prefer to place children with relatives. Perhaps it won’t be so bad since your GF is not married.
Can the father’s family help? [rant]Why is it 8 times out of 10 that the mother’s family is the one expected to help?[/rant] I’d hate to see that little girl wind up in the foster system (lots of great foster parents out there, but a lot of crummy ones, too), but I can fully understand why you would be reluctant to take on the responsibility of a child who is at least 7 years old. Especially since you say you do not want any children, and don’t have the time for one.
Sorry, I don’t seem to have much helpful advice to give you. I hope it helps to know that you have my full sympathy.
Understand, Heath, that I would probably want nothing to do with that kid. But really, it seems there are no easy, or even “right,” answers. It might be a different story if you’d been married to your g/f for a while, but y’all simply aren’t ready, from the sounds of it.
One of my closest friends has a sister who had a child outof wedlock when she was around 22 (basically, when she was old enough to know better). When she got pregnant, she moved in with her parents, and proceeded to use them any which way she could. She’d leave the kid at home with the folks while she’d party the nights away. The little boy is very high energy, and I remember that when he was around two, all anyone seemed to do was yell at him. His mother acted like she resented him, that everything he did annoyed her, and the grandmother was so frustrated with everything that was going on that she would oftentimes snap at the grandson. (The baby’s father is long gone, and the grandfather refused to become involved–except to say, “He’s our grandson. He stays with us.”)
Years go by. The mother decides to move out, and leave her son with her parents for a few years. Parents decide to move to Tennessee, and give her back her son. She keeps him for a while, maybe a year or two, then finally says she’s had enough and sends the (now 10 year old) back to Tennessee.
Growing up, all this kid has ever been told is “No one wants you. No one likes you. No one wants to have you around. Not you mother, not your grandparents, and not you father, whoever he was.” I feel horrible for the boy, and shudder at the thought of his future.
Wow, tough one. My sympathies to you. I agree with most people here that it is not your obligation to take a kid who you don’t want. I think that is the worst situation for the child. There are a lot of people who do want children and can’t have them. I read this story of an 8 year old girl who had been shipped around a dozen times and trusted no one. She didn’t want to want anyone because she though eventually they wouldn’t want her. She did everything she could to get her foster parents to hate her. Until this one woman came along. The little girl tried everything, until the woman sat her down and said no matter what you do and no matter what happens I am not letting you go and I will love you as I love you now. They still had thier problems. but they both found what they needed. Someone out there will want your gf’s sister’s kid. It is just finding them.
I don’t know if that helps you answer your delemma. If it was me I would not take the child but help the mom find a home for him.