What to do when constantly accused of lying

[Cat_Whisperer]

@purplehorseshoe

I did once have a roommate with the annoying habit of saying “Nuh-uh. You’re lying!” to anything that someone else would have just flickered an eyebrow. Say something to which a normal person might say, “Really?!” and she’d instead say, “Oh, SHUT UP!”<snip>

I would have a lot of trouble associating with someone that rude. I think the first time she told me I was lying or told me to shut up would be the last time I had to put up with her.

The OP - what everyone else has said. This isn’t part of a healthy relationship.

[Geek_Mecha]

It’s not the frequent accusations of lying that would bother me.

It’s the frequent accusations of lying PLUS the inaccurate claim of me frequently accusing her of lying PLUS brushing off my attempts to discuss it with a dismissive “whatever” that would bother the living shit out of me.

Lying isn’t the same as leaving the bathroom light on. It’s not something you accuse people of lightly, nor is it something you should inaccurately accuse other people of doing, nor is it a conversation topic you avoid having with anyone who means a damn to you.

I would find it impossible to trust an SO who treated me this way. And, as I learned during my breakup four months ago, if there’s no trust, you’ve got nothing.

[Shirley_Ujest]

@TruCelt

My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves.

If you are very serious about this relationship, then tell her in no uncertain terms that you find this extremely offensive, and you are done being nice about it. Give her a couple of weeks to break the habit, and call her on it then immediately end the conversation any time she does it. Never again continue a conversation in which this occurs.

My bet is that she gets a power surge from you begging her to believe what you’ve said. Ick!

It remains to be seen whether she willbe interested in continuing a relationship in which you insist upon being treated respectfully.

Your grandfather was a very wise man.
I wonder if her mother always did something like this because Mom never trusted Dad ( for real or perceived problems. ) Maybe she is acting like that because that was what she saw growing up. Just food for thought.

[phouka]

@TruCelt

My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character.

It’s called transference, and I swear to Og, I run into it more every single day.

My guess is, however often she accuses you of lying, that’s about how often she lies to you.

People like that don’t change until they’ve had their face rubbed in their decisions often enough to realize that’s the way it is - you lie, you lose your boyfriend.

Leave. Now.

[Blisters]

I think the advice you’ve gotten is good, and I have nothing smart to add (yet here I am posting…)

Growing up we were taught that some things we joke about with siblings can get you a punch in the mouth from someone at school. Calling someone a liar and accusing them of cheating are two that I remember.

[Apollyon]

@msmith537

Persian eh? …
I thought the correct term was now “Iranian”.

<pedant>Just over 1/2 of Iran’s population are Persian, and people of Persian ethnic background can be found in quite a few other ME countries.</pedant>

[lieu]

@TruCelt

My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves.

I’ve considered starting a thread before to see if there’s a name, clinical or cultural, for this behavior. Having observed it a number of times, I’d agree that it can be very telling.

ETA: Phouka, argh, don’t know how I missed that. “Transference.” Thank you!

[overlyverbose]

I don’t have a whole lot to add, but…

Please tell me she was 100% kidding about the movie star comment. People who are narcissistic enough to assume that others are jealous of them because of their looks are usually pretty arrogant in their relationships, too. Saying something like that out loud is usually a bad sign.

I used to have an acquaintance (note the term used to) who would remark that black people were jealous of her because she could have blonde hair naturally. As you can imagine, she wasn’t very popular with…well, anyone, including me, and still has very few friends for good reason. That arrogance carried over into almost every aspect of her life - remarks on her own intelligence, the assumption that she didn’t need to learn anything else because she was so very clever, etc.

[Translucent_Daydream]

Well.

I talked to her. She said she didn’t realize it was hurting my feelings (her way of saying she didn’t realize she was annoying the everloving piss out of me).

I flat out told her that that was rude as hell and it was going to stop. She said she was sorry about it, but didn’t say why.
I am probably going to keep it up, but my “taking shit” threshold in regards to her is at zero, which is pretty odd because I am a very patient, tolerant dude.
On an unrelated note, the chewing out and the “how it is and how its going to be if this is going to work” speech really turned her on. :dubious:

[purplehorseshoe]

@Translucent_Daydream

Well.

I talked to her. She said she didn’t realize it was hurting my feelings (her way of saying she didn’t realize she was annoying the everloving piss out of me).

I flat out told her that that was rude as hell and it was going to stop. She said she was sorry about it, but didn’t say why.

I am probably going to keep it up, but my “taking shit” threshold in regards to her is at zero, which is pretty odd because I am a very patient, tolerant dude.

On an unrelated note, the chewing out and the “how it is and how its going to be if this is going to work” speech really turned her on. :dubious:

We all hope you took full advantage of that fact.

It’s okay to be a very patient, tolerant dude and still not take shit from your partner. Patience and tolerance are needed in a cold, harsh, crowded world … your partner shouldn’t be a source of additional crap being flung at you.

Congrats on standing up for yourself!

[phouka]

@Translucent_Daydream

On an unrelated note, the chewing out and the “how it is and how its going to be if this is going to work” speech really turned her on. :dubious:

It could be that she’s looking for a “strong” man, specifically one who will call her on her shit and not let her get away with anything. Part of me - the immature, lazy ass part of me that doesn’t want to be a responsible adult - can see the allure. The rest of me says “ick”.

[Cat_Whisperer]

Please tell us she didn’t say, “I’m sorry if you were annoyed.” If she did, you must end your relationship with her immediately. Non-apologies and the people who make them need to be cut out of society like a cancer.