What to do when you find your kids Stash?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Well Phlosphr’s co-worker came in today with a very interesting dilema and a very large sachel of very smelly Marijuana.

First of all for the benefit of statistics lets use some ages here. Said co-worker is 46 with a 17 year old son.
I am 32 with one on the way.

The first words out of his mouth this morning – aside from oh my God my kid smokes pot – were “Should I call the police?”

I of course stated that no way should he involve the police. As this is the first time he has found anything like this on his kid.

The poor guy found it under a corner of ripped up carpet in the kids room. He actually went to fix the divit but ended up finding a huge bag of weed. I’d say it’s about an once and a half. Its a sandwich bag full to the brim, and barely shutable.

He is appauled, and from his reaction I can tell he was one who has never smoked, probably not even in College. He did not know much about the substance in the bag he had in his briefcase. I had to assure him it doesn’t bite…

Having lived a full life in college and indulged in my fair share of the Ganga, I can tell this is not your runt of the mill schwag, nope this is high quality Hydroponic crystaline Bud.

The advice I gave to him was to get rid of the product – as I am sure it was expensive – and sit his son down and have a little chat. I am all for being able to talk to your kids about drugs, but punnishment in my experience – at least for having some pot – is counter productive.

I think he should sit his son down – he’s a single father – and just be straight with him. Let him know the risks, let him know its not allowed in his house, and leave it at that. The punnishment comes in the form of having dumped the weed.

He is mulling this over today, and is not in a very good mood. The poor guy looks like he is going to have a nervous breakdown. I keep assuring him that it’s only marijuana, its not like he found heroine or acid or anything like that.

He is beating himself up because he is a teacher, and he thought that this could not have happened to his child.

Anyone gone through this with their children? Any thoughts? Punnishments? Non-punnishments? Words of Wisdom?
I have been on these borads long enough to know There are plently of people who partake of the pipeweed and that there are plently of parents on the boards with older children.

As an expectent father who considers himself pretty layed back, I’d like to know what others think at least for my future reference, and my sorrowful friend here.

2

I’m 35, with one already here, and my take is that he certainly shouldn’t involve the police in what most likely is a youthfull transgression. Involving police would give the kid a record that could someday comeback to haunt him (Forget Politics, somebody would surley dig it up). Just good old fashioned parental punishment is the best solution for first offenses.

Take that stinky stuff away from him! and mail it to: NurseCarmen, 222 south 9th street…

I still partake once or twice a year, jus cause Imma grown up doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the responsible use of such a thing.

3

Glad to help out. I’ll dispose of the stuff for you. :wink:

Definitely no to involving cops. I believe that is only an option in most nonviolent household situations if family relations have been tried and exhausted.

Would send a clear message to the kid to not bring any private matters to dad. Also, could have any number of other implications beyond the dad’s control regarding school and extracurric activities.

Tossing the stuff should be considerable punishment for most teenagers ’ budgets.

Bottomline IMHO is, pot is not necessarily the worst thing in the world. For instance, I’d rather my kids get high than have unprotected sex.

How long was the oz+ gonna last the kid? Was he dealing? Is he still getting grades and performing in other areas of life? Who are his friends? Who is he getting it from/smoking it with? When is he smoking? Is he drinking as well? Doing other drugs?

The guy should want to get the answers to these and other questions. And I doubt that involving the cops is the best way to open lines of communication.

Moreover, dad wants to retain some authority. Wants the kid to listen to what he has to offer in terms of moderation, health and legal implications, etc. Will reduce his credibility if he flies off the handle toward the police.

Realistically, tho, the guy has less than a year before the kid is emancipated. No reason to make this a huge permanent wedge between them without much more info.

JMHO.

4

Just curious. What do you do, that folks feel comfortable bringing baggies of pot into the workplace?

The co-worker runs a risk possessing it. What if he gets stopped for a traffic offense, and his car is searched.

Forfeiture implications are another reason parents can legitimately insist upon zero tolerance in their homes/vehicles.

5

I’ve gone through three kids – the last one just moved out – and there has certainly been a fair amount of the stuff coming through the house. After my first girl was caught my son – middle child – thought he’d had all the answers and could get away with anything.

Weirdest place I or my wife ever found it, was probably taped inside our living room TV. My son thought we’d never look there.

We basically just sat our kids down and let them know how we felt about it. No smoking in the house, don’t drive while intoxicated because it’s just plain dumb and you could kill yourself, experiment but don’t go overboard. BE RESPONSIBLE!!!

I already had a kid when woodstock was going on, and never really got into the smoking scene but I also never condemned anyone for using the stuff. Its a helluvalot less detrimental than becoming a drunk from what I have heard. The oldest daughter still smokes on occasion I think, but the other two lost interest after college.

6

Personal experience here.

I wouldn’t even go through the whole “drugs are bad for you” speech. Chances are the kid has had that drummed into him for his entire life.

I would say that a) the family will not tolerate illegal substances being brought into the house; b) that there is a consequence attached to engaging in illegal activity (within the family, not just from the police) and c) as far as said co-worker is concerned, the youth has violated his trust and must work to get it back.

As far as what the consequence should be, for a first time violation, I wouldn’t go overboard. Maybe a short-term grounding, but more importantly a type of “You don’t go anywhere unless I know where you are, who you’re with and when you’ll be back.” I would also warn him that the parents will turn his entire room inside out, and that if he has anything else he doesn’t want found, he’d better get rid of it now.

The important thing is not that he smoked dope (unless he’s also dealing it.) The important thing is to make sure the kid understands that behavior is unacceptable to the parents and there will be serious consequences if he does it again.

7

Dinsdale you bring up an interesting point, that I did not even think about. Dealing, gosh I hope not, but there is quite a bit of weed to just be for consumption. I never really thought about that because I personally was just a social smoker, consumer type.

I doubt he’s dealing, he doesn’t need the money or anything. He works as far as I know.
As for your other question: We are both teachers at a small liberal arts college. Not a big deal at all that my co-worker has it with him. We are the only two on this side of our building anyway.

As far as what my co-worker is going to do…He called his son about a half an hour ago and told him to be home when he gets home.
He’s not going to involve the police. NurseCarmen had a good point. The kid is afterall a good kid. No need to tarnish an up-until-now exemplary record.

8

I’ll agree with Dinsdale that these questions need to be answered. Many people do/have smoked and continue to lead productive, happy lives. I think your coworker should remember this. Just because his son smokes doesn’t mean he’s destined to failure, especially if the answers to the above-quoted questions are favorable. I think just talking about it, finding out all the details of his usage, without being critical or condemning him in any way is the first step. Then make sure that he is being safe, and then set some ground rules (ie, not in the house, etc).

I’m definitely a believer that “communication is the anti-drug,” or at least the key to safe, responsible, and not becoming alienated from parents/children.

9

Well SOMEONE’s gonna have a crappier Friday afternoon than me!

Coupla suggestions. Friend has to remember who is the adult. Do not let the situation get overly emotional, do not respond to personal insults, stay on task. This one issue is a big enough topic for one family discussion. No need to pull in disparate issues.

Remember the goal is to resolve this positively with improved relations between him and his son. Do not get emotionally involved in a manner that deteriorates father/son relations.

Keep in mind what dad can and can’t control. Example, dad CANNOT enforce a rule against the kid ever smoking pot. He CAN attempt to keep it out of his house. Making rules he can’t enforce just makes dad sound silly.

Finally, don’t over-react. This is not the end of the world. And do not give the kid overly strict repercussions to hold against you.

What kind of relationship do the dad and kid have? Do they talk? Is the kid generally a good kid? Or would you describe him as a stoner/troublemaker/loser?

One of the saddest things I ever saw was some years ago, a teenage girl was walking down my street, apparently going somewhere she had been forbidden to go. Her mom was walking with her. She would stand in front of her, and forbid her to go, make all kinds of threats, etc. And the kid would say, “I don’t have to listen to you” (and much worse), and step around her and keep walking. The mom said she would go with the girl, and embarrass her in front of her friends. Which led to wonderful insults from her daughter. This repeated all the way down the block. I resolved to do my best to NEVER get in a situation where things are that bad between me and my kids.

What are you going to do when your kids get to a certain age short of kicking them out of the house? You can’t live their lives for them. But you can try to encourage them to at least talk to and occasionally listen to you. And you hope they are able to size up the likely consequences of their choices.

10

Remember- in the US, even simple drug convictions make it very difficult, if not impossible to get financial aid in college- so DO NOT under any circumstances involve the police.

11

Just wanted to add that he should toss it somewhere that the guy isn’t going to be able to get it back. Flushing it down the toilet, something like that.

And yeah, a stuffed-to-the-brim sandwich bag full sounds like way more than one person would have for usual consumption, unless this guy is just into stocking up.

I’d go with the recommendations of the other people - be cool but firm, remember it’s not like it’s hard drugs, but emphasize it’s your (the coworker’s) house and that some police departments have severe penalties regarding seizure of property if drugs - especially an amount they might consider “intent to distribute” - are found. Say, if the teen was driving the dad’s car with that amount of pot inside and got busted for some reason, some police departments like to seize property they think is “involved” in drug dealing, like vehicles.

12

The kid is generally a good kid. He doesn’t act out, never been arrested, and actually likes and respects his dad from what I gather.

The reason it is so hard is because he has never done anything like this before. He always goes out with his buddies and when I go out with my friend he always talkes like his kid is a generally good kid.

I honestly think this just broad-sided the guy. He has been a single father for almost ten years, he’s a widower and has never remarried and never really seriously dated. He also thought his kid was very honest with him, and thus gave him a lot of space.

He is a rational man and will take all that into account. And I agree with most posters above that information and keeping your kids informaed is the best way to go. But my buddy thinks there has been some sort of breakdown between his relationship with his son. Why else would his son hide this from him?

As for the poster who is from Burlington – I was raised in VT and our laws and attitude for smoking weed is very lax, as I am sure you are aware. I think he will make the right decision and be respectful and fair to his son. I know I would be.

Now as for the weed itself. We were contemplating what to do with it…OH the temptation is definitely there at least for me. But my wife would kill me and on a rainy day like today I guess the best thing to do would be to… evil hat on – save it till tomorrow – *evil hat off * – throw it away. We did think about giving it to the weekend custodian but that would be bad… I think he’s going to chuck it in a dumpster somewhere before he gets home.

I am glad to knwo there are reasonable people out there still.

13

Dad = authority figure. Smoking marijuana = illegal.

Their relationship may be close but I doubt that he would tell his father when he was breaking the law. Unless of course it’s a father-son thing like that recent baseball game fight.

I would be especially concerned over the quantity found. That sounds like far too much for one individual’s personal use. Hopefully he isn’t dealing it and just bought that to split amonst his friends.

14

He probably scored it with a bunch of his friends, and he’s gonna catch hell for losing custody of the stash.

It is not the end of the world, as long as he has a life outside the bag-o-dope.

I’d tell him not to bring it home anymore if that’s an issue. Personally, I don’t see it as a big deal at all.

15

Well I am a very cruel person.

I would not tell the kid I found it. He will literally drive himself insane trying to figure out what little hiding place he misplaced it in. (not that I’ve done anything like that…okay I have-I found twelve hundred dollars my husband was hiding for my engagement ring, but I never did find the baggie and I cleaned the whole house looking for it) Maybe the people living there now found it.

I would agree, he is going to catch hell for losing it. HOpefully he isn’t dealing and owes someone money for the unsold bag.

16

Just curious, Echo. Do you have any kids? What would you see as “a big deal” in terms of parenting?

17

Why would such a child have a quarter, or a nibbled at half?? Economics. It’s cheaper. And having a quarter for personal consumption is not unheard of. I can gar-an-damn-tee the kid has been smoking for a while, but I did too. I turned out fine. I bought a couple halfs in my life, and several quarters. Was he planning a camping trip/big concert/etc. with his pals? I woulda bought big back then for those occasions back in the day. I bought a case of beer last night. I intend it to last me a while. It’s cheaper than buying six packs or singles.

18

Well NuresCarmen, Thanks for the economics lesson. I must admit that was another avenue I had not thought of. I guess it has been a while since I have indulged. But anyhow, I rather it was an economics issue rather than he was dealing. I seriously doubt he was dealing though. He does not seem like that kind of kid.
Then again I’d never of guessed 19 men would highjack a couple planes and send them careening into the WTC and Pentagon…

It’s interesting, I am discussing this with Mrs.Phlosphr and I had her read the posts above and I think we all agree that information sharing among child and parent is key, and that without that children have a higher tendancy to deceive…

19

An ounce and a half is a lot to have for personal use, even if he’s stocking up. That’s around $300 worth of pot. Now, maybe he just really hates doing business with drug dealers… but I’d be suspicious.

As to the kid having a job: There just isn’t enough profit in dealing pot (at least the kind of dealing you can do out of your dad’s house) to justify quitting your day job anyway. An ounce and a half will probably only make $100-$200 profit, which isn’t much for a couple weeks’ work.

I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions, of course. Perhaps he really did just stock up. Perhaps he went in on it with several friends and got caught before they split it up. But I have a hard time seeing 1.5 oz as a personal stash, unless the kid is Snoop Dogg or he’s on chemotherapy.

20

I’m 20 now, but when my older brother was about to end his Jr year of high school, he got caught. My parents made him spend his entire summer at home - no parties, friends, or sports. He hated it. Of course he snuck out and did what he wanted anyway and it only made him who he is today (he gives no weight to anything our parents say).

I, on the other hand, was always the “good” child. However, when I got to college I learned a lot. My mom asked me just a few weeks ago if I had ever tried pot, and I told her yes. I explained that I don’t use it really (only VERY rarely) and tried to have an open conversation with her. She just kept saying, “I thought you were smarter than your brother. You’re a failure. You just try to hurt me.” Well, she never gave me a formal punishment, but she hasn’t been the same since.

The thing I don’t understand really is what I did wrong. Since I started smoking (again, VERY rarely) my GPA at university has gone from a 2.95 to a 3.86. I’m working two jobs now and doing just fine. I’ve never gotten into any trouble, and I don’t do any other drugs - yes, I’m including alcohol as a drug. What did I do wrong?