What to say to someone who had one twin baby stillborn?

[dngnb8]

@cwthree

My neighbor and I are quite friendly, and we chat about goings-on in our respective families. Her son and daughter-in-law were expecting twins, who would have been full-term right about now. A couple of weeks ago they learned that one twin had died in utero. The other twin was delivered alive, healthy (reasonable weight for gestational age), is thriving, and should come home soon.

When my neighbor told me, I expressed my condolences regarding the lost baby and my relief that the other twin was expected to be fine.

Eventually, I’m going to run into the son and daughter-in-law. I don’t want to be rude and ignore the new baby, but I don’t want to add to their pain; I also don’t want to act as though everything is just peachy. What do I say to them? Do I say the same thing I said to my neighbor, which was basically, “I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m relieved to hear that (whatever the kid’s name is) is well?” Do I say “Congratulations, and by the way, my condolences?”

Has anyone here been in this situation? What would you have wanted to hear?

Thanks.

Just talk about the living, talk about how beautiful their child is.

[Mangetout]

@Noone_Special

I don’t necessarily disagree – I did say I wasn’t sure which order would be appropriate.

Sorry - I meant to quote that sentence too.

I still think it’s probably going to depend very much on the circumstances. I will agree this you that, absent anything pointing to the opposite, yes, living first.

Agreed entirely. Circumstances may dictate a different approach.

[yellowval]

@Mangetout

This. Coo joyfully over the surviving child, offer sincere condolences for the loss. In that order. Let them steer the conversation after that.

That is what I would do as well. “Oh, this must be [baby’s name]. He/she is beautiful! I am so sorry to hear about the loss of his/her sister/brother.”

[TBG]

Outside of maybe sending a sympathy card, I don’t understand why you would bring up the dead twin ever. If they bring it up, certainly be supportive, but it just seems like it would be weird to start talking about in any manner on your own.

[kimera]

@Guinastasia

Trust me, I’m not a religious basher – I believe in God myself. But if you don’t know the religious beliefs of these people, you very well could offend them. Perhaps a better way might be – “She/He will always be with you, to watch over you.” Something like that.

I’m not religious and I would not appreciate any sort of statements along these lines. The only thing that would come close is if they said, “[Lost twin’s name] will always be a part of you” because that is scientifically true and very heartfelt.

Rand Rover, while I can acknowledge that having twins is a huge, expensive pain and it would be easier if there was just one, I’m at the point now where I have two babies (rather than blobs) and the loss of one would be just as devastating as the loss of a single stillbirth. I’d prefer to have the child acknowledged, and I would greatly appreciate those who did, but YMMV.

[TokyoBayer]

To add, my wife and I used to go to a support group for parents whose babies dies either before or after birth.

One of the most common things which parents said was difficult that people didn’t want to acknowledge the loss, or would minimize it.

[Damuri_Ajashi]

@TokyoPlayer

I would come right out and ask your neighbor how her son and daughter-in-law would like you to do. This is really a bitter sweet moment and everyone is going to react differently.

When we lost our baby, my wife really liked people asking about and commenting on the baby as if he had been fine. by that I mean to comment on how cute he was, etc.

A good friend of mine asked me a couple of months later if he should do anything, since they hadn’t really done or said anything at the moment. He wondered if saying anything at that stage would actually be worse, in case it was something which we were getting over and saying something would cause additional pain.

From our experience, it’s not a cold that you get over in a week or a broken bone which heals in a month or two. It takes time, and having others acknowledging the loss was helpful.

People often struggle to try to say something which is comforting. I wouldn’t worry too much about that because you are not going to say something magical which will make all the pain disappear. For many, just mentioning the loss is enough to let them know that you are sympathetic without trying to force a good thought on them.

I agree. Ask your neighbor “how are they handling it?” Your neighbor probably has a good idea of the best approach.

[Guinastasia]

@kimera

I’m not religious and I would not appreciate any sort of statements along these lines. The only thing that would come close is if they said, “[Lost twin’s name] will always be a part of you” because that is scientifically true and very heartfelt.

Rand Rover, while I can acknowledge that having twins is a huge, expensive pain and it would be easier if there was just one, I’m at the point now where I have two babies (rather than blobs) and the loss of one would be just as devastating as the loss of a single stillbirth. I’d prefer to have the child acknowledged, and I would greatly appreciate those who did, but YMMV.

I said IF they were religious. And even then, tread very carefully. I like the idea of, “they’ll always be with you/part of you”, though.

[Peremensoe]

Many responses seem to assume that the live birth is the primary one to be acknowledged. I suspect that for the time being at least, the loss is weighing very heavily indeed on these parents. The live birth, after all, is the common, expected event.

I would suggest being very careful to avoid saying anything that suggests the live birth is more important, or that it in any way mitigates the loss. While it would of course be macabre to focus on the dead child in the presence of the living one, I would otherwise suggest, contrary to some advice above, that the sense of condolence for the loss be paramount, exactly as if their born child had died shockingly just a couple weeks ago.

@gwendee

For myself I’d be hurt if my close family tiptoed around it, but would likely be perfectly fine if my mother-in-law’s friends just said “How are you, dear” in that pointed way that means “I know you’re dealing with some stuff, and we can talk about it or not. I will follow your lead.”

This is a good answer.

[TheBori]

I have had great “success” in situations of grief (death, cancer diagnosis, loss of a child, etc) by simply walking up to the person and giving a sincere hug. They know whats going on, they know you know, both of you know there are no words that will help. The hug shows support without creating any need for conversation…which is always awkward and or trite.
Come in, hug, let go and carry on. Message sent.