My neighbor and I are quite friendly, and we chat about goings-on in our respective families. Her son and daughter-in-law were expecting twins, who would have been full-term right about now. A couple of weeks ago they learned that one twin had died in utero. The other twin was delivered alive, healthy (reasonable weight for gestational age), is thriving, and should come home soon.
When my neighbor told me, I expressed my condolences regarding the lost baby and my relief that the other twin was expected to be fine.
Eventually, I’m going to run into the son and daughter-in-law. I don’t want to be rude and ignore the new baby, but I don’t want to add to their pain; I also don’t want to act as though everything is just peachy. What do I say to them? Do I say the same thing I said to my neighbor, which was basically, “I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m relieved to hear that (whatever the kid’s name is) is well?” Do I say “Congratulations, and by the way, my condolences?”
Has anyone here been in this situation? What would you have wanted to hear?
I don’t see that you need to mention the deceased twin at all. I think it’s perfectly fine to treat the surviving baby as you would any other baby, and in fact not make any mention of its sibling.
The parents have had enough people convey their condolences, they might even appreciate someone simply admiring their child instead of casting a pall over the whole thing by bringing up that badness…again.
Anyway, I can’t imagine they’d be offended if you didn’t say anything about it.
I dunno, often we get threads here of people who are grieving and are hurt by people avoiding the issue and them. Of course, this is a different situation.
I don’t know. I’ve had a couple of friends who went through this or something similar and they certainly were happy to have people acknowledge their loss.
Chances are the non-surviving twin had a name and everything.
I strongly disagree. Nothing is more hurtful than not having someone acknowledge a loss. Express your joy at the new baby, sorrow at their loss. Move on if they don’t seem to want to talk.
Yes, definitely mention it. “What a darling baby! Congratulations! And I’m so sorry about the loss of your child.”
Just because they came as two doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving the loss of a child. However, having one living child makes it easier to bear; I say this as someone who had a baby within a year of losing a child. (That pregnancy and subsequent birth gave me joy to look forward to and focus on while I grieved my loss.)
No. I agree with doing the good stuff first, and leaving the condolences to the end. It’s uncomfortable, to be sure, but it’s the first, and last time you should bring it up, and you’ll feel better getting it over with.
I’m not sure it’s as cut and dried as that. For myself I’d be hurt if my close family tiptoed around it, but would likely be perfectly fine if my mother-in-law’s friends just said “How are you, dear” in that pointed way that means “I know you’re dealing with some stuff, and we can talk about it or not. I will follow your lead.”
I have lost a husband and worked with a client with a situation like the OP. Both of us were hurt when someone didn’t mention it. Take that for what you will.
I have not gone through this, but I’m currently pregnant with twins and, as I’ve done my research, I’ve come across accounts of this, including how to deal with it.
Never, ever say something like, “At least you have one.” Or “Thankfully, one survived!” They lost a baby. Treat it like you would the regular loss of a baby. Express condolences and offer help and support. If they are like many parents of twins where one dies in early (even in utero), they will still consider the surviving child a twin.
I think acknowledging the twin born still is a wonderful thing to do. My first granddaughter was born still and it is very heartwarming when friends would come up and acknowledge our loss. Just be yourself. Ask about both babies names. Not avoiding the situation your neighbors children are dealing with is a very loving and caring gesture.
I begin my emails to the parents of a baby born still this way:
First off ~ I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your precious son/ daughter (and name the baby). It is surely the most devastating situation to have to endure and there are no words to ease the pain. The path becomes a little less rocky as time goes on but the valleys and peaks remind us of the long soulful journey we all must make. My first Granddaughter was born still at 36.6 weeks due to torsion of the umbilical cord ~ not a true knot or nuchal cord but delivers the same devastation and heartache.
And, ask how the parents are doing. You can always add, “Now your little baby will always have a special angel by his/her side.”
Hope this helps…xo
No, just…no. Not unless you know their religious beliefs. And even then, it sounds like, “well, at least they have someone to watch over!” No.
Acknowledge the loss, (I’m sorry for your loss.) Wait for their thank yous, etc. THEN offer congratulations. (Congrats on the little one) But don’t say, anything like, “Well, she’ll always be with you, blah blah blah”. Just leave it. I had a nun once tell me that my aunt (who had died) would always be with me, and I would always be able to prayer to her and ask her to remember me to god, etc. And I knew she meant well, but at the time, I really resented it.
Ask how the little one is doing then, all the normal baby stuff, etc.
I personally would love it if casual acquaintances don’t bring up the painful things in my life. Why would I want to revisit things with people who are barely more than strangers?