Several years ago, I composed an OP called “Bitter truths you learned growing up” which answered this very question, but for whatever reason I never posted it (although I was sufficiently impressed with it to store it in some musty corner of my hard drive for all this time). I might as well post it here, or else it will never see the light of day…
-
Aside from your immediate family and close friends, nobody gives a rat’s ass about you.
-
You really aren’t the smartest, most talented, most beautiful, or most interesting person in the world. Sorry.
-
The best days of your life are over.
-
Becoming president of the U.S. is a whole hell of a lot harder than your parents made it out to be (unless you were born into the right family, of course).
-
Level of intelligence has little or nothing to do with how much you get paid.
-
People really do judge you by your looks.
-
There are way too many painters, cartoonists, novelists, movie directors, screenwriters, playwrights, actors, singers, and composers in the world. Artistic creativity is virtually worthless if you want to make a living.
-
All those confusing things that make modern life so complex – credit cards, loans, mortgages, insurance, taxes, inflation, interest rates – have a single purpose, which is to screw you out of your money.
-
Money is an illusion. The value of currency is based on your faith that the government will exchange it for something of real value (which they cannot and will not do).
-
Both the Democrats and the Republicans are lying, cheating bastards.
-
Some of the vilest acts are committed by people who believe they are doing the right thing.
-
Even the finest human beings on the planet have flaws. Lots of them.
-
Most people are perverts, although some hide it quite well.
-
Being against the law doesn’t necessarily make something wrong, and being legal doesn’t automatically make it right.
-
Alcohol is a drug. Just like heroin or cocaine. When people say they’re gonna grab a few beers, it’s code for “I’m gonna go get high on ethyl hydrate”.
-
All people have the capacity for evil, not just an imagined subclass we call “criminals”.
-
There’s no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny. There are no ghosts, UFOs, angels, or demons, and there is no God or Devil. There is no afterlife, and when you die, it’s lights out.
-
The truth sucks (see #17). You can either learn to accept it or go into denial like 90% of the population. It really doesn’t make much difference in the big picture.
-
You will never find your Prince Charming or your Cinderella. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a person whose flaws you can tolerate for longer than a few years.
-
Childbirth is not a miracle. Any woman with a functioning womb can do it, provided she can find a man willing to donate some sperm (not all that hard to do). There are too many goddamn childbirths on this planet.
-
The number one factor contributing to success is not intelligence, talent, courage, honor, charisma, or even ambition. It’s dumb luck.
-
No matter how badly you want something, the minute you actually get it you’ll forget about it and move on to wanting something else.
-
As an adult, you’re exactly like you were as a kid, except you have less energy, enthusiasm, confidence, and hope.
-
The English language is the most difficult language on the planet. Even native speakers, after years of intensive study, can’t get it right. Whoever invented it was obviously insane.
-
Even sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll get boring after awhile.
-
Money can’t buy you love or happiness. It can buy you success, power, status, influence, respect, glamor, luxury, freedom, security, and recognition.
-
Animals are the greatest oppressed underclass on the planet. Millions of them are routinely humiliated, killed, exterminated, maimed and tortured, and nobody seems to care about it except those PETA lunatics.
-
Meat is produced from the slaughter of innocent creatures. But it tastes so damn good!
-
A majority of the categories we impose on the natural world and ourselves are meaningless, since most things exist in gradations and subtle shades of gray that cannot be easily pigeonholed. Consequently, most of life’s important questions do not have concrete or simple answers. This really pisses people off.
-
An overwhelming majority of the world’s murders, assaults, rapes, and genocides are fueled by a pesky little hormone called “testosterone”.
-
Women are moody, hysterical, petty, feckless, and vain. And they’re the better sex.
-
Stereotypes are false. Sometimes.
-
A lot of people are mean and stupid. A lot of people are intelligent and kind. Guess who gets more attention?
-
If you want something done right, chances are you have to do it yourself.
-
If you want to make it to the top, you have step on a lot of toes and kick some serious ass. That’s why most politicians, military leaders, and corporate executives are dickheads.
-
All human emotions – sadness, desire, love, anger, hatred, fear, and hope – are merely the result of brain chemicals and can be manipulated at will by the right combinations of drugs.
-
Even if the human race manages to survive nuclear war, famine, disease, overpopulation, natural disaster, climate change, and greedy politicians, the dying sun will eventually turn our planet into a lifeless, smoldering cinder. And if we somehow survive that, the universe will either implode into an infinitely small singularity or expand forever into a lifeless, entropic soup. Any way you cut it, we’re screwed.
Have a nice day. 