What Would Be The Toughest Human Thing To Explain To Aliens?

[pkbites]

Broccoli.

Alien: Some of you actually eat this shit?

[Moriarty]

@silenus

Porn.

Sexual mores in general

Person: You can’t sell sex. That’s illegal. But you can film it and sell the recording. Then it’s legal. Well, depending on where you film it and who you film it with. And who you sell it to.

Alien: Is it ever free?

Person: It’s usually free. Except, if somebody gives it to you for free, it’s customary to give that person objects they want, purchased with your money. Like food, but also toys and baubles. And you could technically give them money, if they needed it. Just not for the sex. Although if they stopped with the sex, you’d be justified if you stop giving them items and money.

[boson]

Why a lot of us have guns and that they, the aliens, should leave sooner rather than later.

[Turek]

Religion

[Tibby]

Me explaining Pet Rocks to aliens:

Me: A while back humans paid money for rocks that were were given names and sold as pets.

Alien 1: Did these rocks do anything special?

Me: No, they were just basic rocks that did nothing.

Alien 2: Were these rocks rare?

Me: No, they were just common rocks that can be found in abundance everywhere on the planet for free.

Alien 1: So…you humans paid money for common, non-functional, inanimate objects, gave them names, brought them into your homes, and treated them as pets?

Me: Yes, we even gave them to other humans as gifts.

Alien 1 [whispers to Alien 2]: Oh, this planet is going to be easier to conquer than we thought.

Alien 2 [whispers to Alien 1]: Yeah, we can just air-drop a butt-load of our Exploding Kill-Spheres with cute names attached and tell humans they’re pets.

Alien 1 [whispers to Alien 2]: Hell, we can even charge these idiots for them.

[Toxgoddess]

Cricket.

[Limmin]

@Isamu

So they didn’t understand the difference between something they thought was true and something that was factually false?

IIRC the aliens had a “thought balloon” or glyph of sorts, some sort of mental image displayed over their heads at all times, so an alien could not say a falsehood without immediately being seen as lying. But humans, OTOH, could say things like “sure, we’ll welcome the aliens, we are all nice, etc.” but really be thinking “there will be acts of violence and terrorism if the aliens show up here.”

[Dr_Paprika]

Alien: So what do you do?
Human: I am an athlete.
Alien: Wow. What is your event?
Human: Video gaming.
Alien: Huh. How did that begin?
Human: There used to be dark places where people would put coins in machines. They have mostly closed now. There they would dance on a mat, run around a maze eating pellets while being chased by ghosts, drive cars and try to run people over, fly spaceships over and under walls, fight while riding birds, stack disappearing blocks, pretend to be Olympic athletes, or shoot aliens with missiles.
Alien: You wanted to shoot us?
Human: No one plays that game anymore. Now we usually shoot other things while others watch.
Alien: Well, at least probably no one wants to watch other people play video games. How many people might want to watch someone else play a video game?
Human: Twenty million?

[Gatopescado]

@dtilque

…but have only the vaguest idea of what constitiutes a balk.

That’s the noise a chicken makes.

[Voyager]

@Turek

Religion

Yeah.
So, you have hundreds of groups of people, all convinced that the creator of the universe spoke only to them in their tiny geographic region, and that all the other groups are wrong, and they are right because of faith.
Sure, pull the other one, it has bells on.

[silenus]

Or they would take action because we weren’t followers of whatever deity they worship. Which means either global extermination or……missionaries!

[Kedikat]

How we came up with democracy, but then became too stupid to operate it.

[EinsteinsHund]

@silenus

Or they would take action because we weren’t followers of whatever deity they worship. Which means either global extermination or……missionaries!

I’ll choose the former, thank you…

[ftg]

@Tripler

What ‘icing the puck’ is.

Not the infleld fly rule?

[Ike_Witt]

@silenus

extermination or……missionaries!

Does extermination have a sex position named after it?

[Machine_Elf]

@Moriarty

Sexual mores in general

Person: You can’t sell sex. That’s illegal. But you can film it and sell the recording. Then it’s legal. Well, depending on where you film it and who you film it with. And who you sell it to.

Alien: Is it ever free?

Person: It’s usually free. Except, if somebody gives it to you for free, it’s customary to give that person objects they want, purchased with your money. Like food, but also toys and baubles. And you could technically give them money, if they needed it. Just not for the sex. Although if they stopped with the sex, you’d be justified if you stop giving them items and money.

Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

Cheese.

@Becky Chambers

He paused in thought. ‘Cheese. Is that a real thing?’

Pei erupted in laughter. ‘Ugh,’ she said. ‘Stars. Yeah, cheese is real, unfortunately.’

Roveg was both delighted and horrified by her answer. ‘Not really?’ he said.

This was finally enough to coax Tupo out from under the table. ‘What’s cheese?’

Speaker cocked her head. ‘I second the question.’

‘Oh, please don’t make me explain this,’ Pei groaned.

The Akarak leaned back in her cockpit. ‘Well, now you have to,’ she said.

‘Mom, what’s cheese?’ Tupo whispered loudly.

‘I don’t know,’ Ouloo said back. ‘If you listen, you’ll find out.’

Pei set down her plate and exhaled apologetically. ‘Cheese,’ she said in a clinical manner, ‘is a foodstuff made out of milk.’

Ouloo blinked. ‘You mean like …’ She gestured at her own underbelly, where her mammary glands presumably lay beneath thick fur.

‘Yep,’ Pei said. ‘Exactly that.’

‘So, a children’s food,’ Speaker said, her tone suggesting that this struck her as no stranger than the concept of milk itself.

Roveg laughed. ‘Go on,’ he said to Pei goadingly. He continued to snack, enjoying the show.

Pei winced. ‘No,’ she said to Speaker. ‘It’s not for kids. I mean, kids eat it, too, but … so do adults.’

Everyone present – with the exception of Pei – let out a reflexive sound. There were low growls from Ouloo and Tupo, a short trill from Speaker. Roveg, for his part, let out a triple-clicked hiss. A brief cacophony of varied species all communicating the exact same thing: complete and utter disgust.

‘No,’ Ouloo said.

Tupo cooed in fascinated horror.

‘Wait, so, how …’ Speaker made a hesitant face. ‘I’m going to regret this question. How is it … prepared?’

Pei grimaced. ‘They take the milk, they add some ingredients – don’t ask me, I have no idea what – and then pour the mess into a … a thing. I don’t know. A container. And then …’ She shut her eyes. ‘They leave it out until bacteria colonise it to the point of solidifying.’

The cacophony returned.

‘I knew I’d regret it,’ Speaker said.

Roveg laughed and laughed. ‘I’m so glad I asked about this,’ he said.

‘Mom, can we order some?’ Tupo said.

‘Absolutely not,’ Ouloo said.

‘They don’t all eat this, do they?’ Speaker asked.

‘I don’t know,’ Pei said. ‘I know they don’t make it in the Fleet, and a lot of people there can’t eat it without getting sick.’

‘Understandably.’

'No, it’s not that. Humans need a … oh, what is it … it’s something with their stomachs. An enzyme, I think. For digesting milk. Only some Humans produce it naturally. But here’s the thing: they’re all so fucking bonkers for cheese that they’ll ingest a dose of the enzymes beforehand so that they can eat it.’

‘That seems a bit extreme,’ Roveg said. ‘

Have you eaten it?’ Tupo asked.

‘Not if my life depended on it,’ Pei said.

‘How is it that their milk makes them sick?’ Speaker said. ‘That’s got to pose a problem if they can’t feed their young.’

‘Oh, no, I – stars, I forgot the worst part.’ Pei rubbed her neck with her palm. ‘They don’t make cheese with their own milk. They take it from other animals.’

At that, chaos broke out.

From The Galaxy, and the Ground Within

[TriPolar]

Bout time they started cracking down on that scam.

[Gatopescado]

@Ike_Witt

Does extermination have a sex position named after it?

It’s called “The Lethal Injection”

[silenus]

Ask David Carradine.